Adult ADHD diagnosis!

[TheBeaTgoeson1]

last Monday, somebody very close to me was diagnosed with ADHD following an assessment process. They are an adult, and have lived with what they now understand to be symptoms (is that the right word?) for decades.

They do feel relieved, however they also feel almost like they might be judged by people thinking they are almost trying to excuse some of their behaviours. Nothing bad, but behaviours around disorganisation, timekeeping, procrastination! I’d like to support them, and I guess my question is two fold.

What is everybody’s honest opinion when they hear that somebody has received a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult?

How can somebody Neurotypical support somebody with ADHD in any practical ways?

Even when somebody’s only desire to go down the root of a formal diagnosis, is to clarify if it is that, but with no intention to seek reasonable adjustments, carers allowance, any sort of sympathy, Pip, or any other things like that, but more to gain a greater understanding of themselves?

Hi, I was diagnosed two years ago just before I turned 40. Firstly, thankyou for wanting to support them! I found it was very hard for some people in my life to accept, which made some relationships strained for a while. I had been extremely dismissive of adults being diagnosed with it for years, as to me what they were describing wss just "real life" which the rest of us had to get on with. After I experienced total burnout at work, a friend kindly pointed out to me that there might be a reason that the list of symptoms seemed like normal life to me, and honestly it felt like an extraordinary revelation that explained so much of my struggles in childhood, at work and in parenting. Over the last couple of years the main thing that's shifted is my sense of shame at what I thought was me not being good enough or not trying hard enough. I've put a lot of practical things in place to support myself through work and parenting, which are incredibly helpful.

I honestly think that the main thing you can do is be curious. Share how your brain works too (I have found some conversations with my neurotypical friends utterly fascinating) and help her to explore this new way of seeing herself

I'm on the waiting list for an assessment.

I'm not looking to be fashionable, or get handouts. I want to understand why I am like I am.

Sadly, there are loads of idiots like that one above. Ignore!

Thanks so much, for both those comments! I think I feel like that will be the case for them as well, they described is not wanting to see it as an excuse for the way they behave, but more an understanding. Which I think is really important, the use of the word excuse suggests that they were feeling shame in it, but understanding seems to be a word which is much kinder to themselves, and much more fair.

I do feel like this a partnership we have already worked on ways we can be an effective partnership with us both being able to do things well, but in different ways. So in a certain extent we are already working well together in that way, some of my weaknesses are their strengths, and some of their weaknesses are my strengths, so that’s good in that way! We will continue to have open conversation.

@JohnnyRememberMe Also yes, I thought there would be a lot of people who are quite dismissive, and I’m really interested to hear from those people as well, to see why that is.

I really hope that you get an assessment soon, I do think it has been beneficial for this person in my life.

Oh do fuck off. You have no idea at all. I was diagnosed with adhd a month ago and I’m 46. I’ve spent 3 weeks on medication and it’s been life changing . I’ve spent my entire life being told I’m a ditzy day dreamer, I thrive on chaos, I’m combative, I’m unstable, I’ll never succeed blah blah blah. I left school with zero GCSEs. At 19 I decided to go back to studying and it took me almost 16 years of part time study to get my degree and thena masters while juggling my kids and my home. I’ve never been able to hold down a job for more than 6/8 months due to massive burn out and huge depressive episodes. I was misdiagnosed bipolar and spent 4 years in 80mmg of quetiapine
which left me with tardive dyskenisia and a desired sleep pattern.

you have no idea what other people go through. People that THINK they know me see an interesting eloquent woman that is confident and assertive. What they don’t see is that presenting that “face” to the world takes a huge amount of emotional investment and effort. Only my very closest friends and family know what I’m like as tbh one poker see the genuine me, it’s quite hard to keep long term friends. But I do just fine with my two sisters and 3 close friends.

you can’t even begin to comprehend how hard it’s been for me. Plus all 4 of my cousin have adhd and autism. Where the heck do you think it came from? And FWIW they didn’t all sign right up to the DLA PIP train as it’s incredibly hard to actually get without EVIDENCE of how your life is affected. How do you prove that it can take 3 hours to gee up my daughter into attending college? Then 4 hours of texting to try to get her to stay there? Then the huge meltdown when she’s home? How do I actually quantify and prove that? I’d love to know.

@GreenGodiva Thank you so much for this heartfelt post. You have expressed that so well, also, that sorry you have had to wait so long to have a greater understanding of how things have been for you.

The poster who posted first, has not come back. Which makes me think that some peoples negative reaction towards an adult ADHD diagnosis is very reactive. But doesn’t seem to have any substance at all, I was hoping they might come back with a little bit more detail on why they feel that way.But funnily enough…

Thank you for your post anyway, I think it’s so difficult for people to understand what it is like to live a day in the life of somebody who has ADHD. Unless you have been there yourself.

I hate to say this as you asked for opinions but its strange how so many people are going for an ADHD diagnosis these days, it seems very trendy and I honestly dont think everyone of those is a true diagnosis. (Not saying this one is!!)

But support wise, just help them get into a routine and organised. Routine & organisation is key.

@ComfortFoodCafe it’s all good, I wanted to hear different opinions!

I don’t really know anyone else who’s gone for an adult diagnosis of ADHD. I do know a couple of people who have been diagnosed with an adult, but I wouldn’t say I am surrounded by people wanting to do it. So interested to hear that.

It does feel like it’s something which has become available in last few years, but perhaps it’s always been there. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing though, perhaps a greater awareness of what it is, isn’t a bad thing? I guess when some people were growing up in the 70s or 80s, or even early 90s, they would’ve just been viewed as disorganised, or even naughty, or disruptive. Which could be very damaging.

My honest reaction is that if the diagnosis is helpful to them, then good for them. But in my extended family, with a number of adult diagnoses within it, it does seem to become a get-out clause. X hasn’t done something ‘because of their ADHD’. Interestingly, it’s usually something difficult or unpleasant that they haven’t done. X always manages to get themselves on holiday, for example.

So I guess I’m just a bit jaded by it as I keep plodding on, doing the things that I find stressful, exhausting, distressing but nevertheless have to do. And I get burnt out by them but have to get on with them even so. I think I get tired of the notion that if you’re NT life is all sunshine and roses.

It's a tiny percentage of people, who have spent their lives struggling. In my area the waiting list is years long. I spent all my savings on getting a private diagnosis, which has changed my life. It is not strange at all, it is people suddenly realising why things have been so hard for so long.

I have adhd. Only those closest to me know about it - I choose not to share it more widely because I know that lots of people will judge.

I didn't get a diagnosis so that I could claim benefits (I don't!) or so that I could use it as an excuse (most people have no idea that I even have it).

I pursued a diagnosis because I was fed up with beating myself up over stuff that I hadn't been able to fix, despite monumental efforts to do so, and I felt that I needed to make sense of the things that I had struggled throughout my life. The diagnosis did help, but tbh, it came too late and I still beat myself up about stuff constantly. It's hard to break the habit of a lifetime.

It's hard to say what you can do to help, as it is very individual. My DH helps by sorting a lot of the practical stuff that he knows I struggle to do. My dd knows better than anyone how to get me unstuck when I'm caught in adhd paralysis - probably because she has adhd herself and gets it. My closest friend is amazing at reminding me of all the things I do, and all the things that I'm good at, because she knows that I will inevitably be beating myself up about the stuff that I haven't done and the stuff that I find difficult.

Things which definitely don't help are anything which induces shame or implies judgment. Believe me, I do enough of that for myself already. Also, "helpful" tips and strategies, like suggesting that I set reminders on my phone etc. As if I haven't already tried all that. And the assumption that things which work for organised NT people will work for me... they don't.

The best thing you can do is listen to your friend and try to really understand how she experiences life. It is incredibly powerful to feel that someone understands and doesn't judge. Take your cue from her as to what help she needs... some people benefit from body doubling, accountability buddies, reminders, help breaking tasks down etc, but everyone will have slightly different struggles and different things that help. Let your friend tell you what help she needs - I tend to feel guilty if people offer support that I know won't work for me.

You're a good friend for trying to support her.

I'd say ignore the prejudice and stereotypes about ADHD. I think the best thing you can do is to talk to the person about how ADHD impacts them and go from there.

@GreenGodiva medication has been life changing for me, too!

Hmm. Did you not realise that you would invite those sort of comments? I believe you did.

Thanks for more lovely thought out thoughtful posts, they are really helpful.

Just to come to the one about somebody using it as an excuse @TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCrossthis isn’t my experience at all from the few people that I know with a diagnosis, it’s definitely been more about understanding. Which one of the previous posters put so well, I’m not familiar with anybody who is avoiding the difficult things in their life by using their diagnosis as an excuse, but being able to do fun things like holidays as if they do not have ADHD. So that is very much outside my experience!

Thanks again for these posts, I will continue to be supportive, one thing that seems to work for us is Working together, in a way which appeals to both of our strengths.

@TheWoofsAndTheMeows yes of course, that was what I was trying to explain, I’m interested to hear about the people who are very negative about the diagnosis. It’s interesting to hear those comments, and where they stem from. This will further help my friend in knowing how to address those if they happen to them. Apologies if that wasn’t clear.

@PlayWeatherYes, we do talk a lot, that’s interesting about the medication as well, I know that they have gone on the pathway to medication, obviously with a lot of hope that it might help.

Oh your intention was very clear.

Just remember everyone, mumsnet HQ has told us that they have multiple ND trolls.

@TheWoofsAndTheMeows Just before this goes any further, I’m not interested in getting into an argument on this thread. Mumsnet HQ can look behind the scenes.

If you don’t have anything to add to it, you are free to move on. But I won’t be engaging in any arguments online.

Please don’t derail the thread with troll hunting, and attempt to damagingly shutdown people who are seeking advice online.

I strongly suspect I have ADHD and am on the waiting list but it is about 3 years long. All I want from a diagnosis is to have an answer to lots of questions I've had for years. I don't want any special treatment or money as I've managed so far this long. My concentration is so bad that I can't even read Mumsnet, I just skim through. I haven't read a book for decades. I often wonder how actors/writers manage when they say they have ADHD.

@angelos02 This is so interesting, one of the things that my friend can’t do is read a book from cover to cover! But absolutely not in the way of somebody who has dyslexia, just in purely a concentration way, it confused them for so long!

I presume for a lot of them it's an awful lot of coke!

I had that for years while also experiencing burnout. It was horrible because as a child and into my 20s I could read a whole book in one sitting. Getting into that hyperfocus state is now only possible if I'm very well rested. I blame having kids - my background emotional bandwidth is just constantly used up. I love short stories as a way back into reading.