Adult ADHD diagnosis!

[TheBeaTgoeson1]

last Monday, somebody very close to me was diagnosed with ADHD following an assessment process. They are an adult, and have lived with what they now understand to be symptoms (is that the right word?) for decades.

They do feel relieved, however they also feel almost like they might be judged by people thinking they are almost trying to excuse some of their behaviours. Nothing bad, but behaviours around disorganisation, timekeeping, procrastination! I’d like to support them, and I guess my question is two fold.

What is everybody’s honest opinion when they hear that somebody has received a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult?

How can somebody Neurotypical support somebody with ADHD in any practical ways?

I was diagnosed in 2016 so to some extent I've been shielded from this "jumping on a bandwagon" accusation since it was before the larger rush. I only had to wait 3 months for my appointment which I'm grateful for now.

In my experience, it feels absolutely huge when it first happens because it simply explains everything. Once someone has got to the point of a diagnosis of ADHD, particularly when it happens in adulthood, it often comes after several years, possibly even decades of self-flagellation, of searching for answers, of trying this self-help method or that anti-depressant or this new age approach or that unconventional diet or sleep schedule. We have often been searching for the answer to "Why am I like this? Why does nothing work? Why can't I stick with anything?" often since our teens or possibly longer.

I did become a bit obsessed with it and wanted to discuss it with everyone and in many ways I still retain a huge interest in the subject because it has given me back so much of the brain space I used to be using to try and either figure myself out, or "fix" myself and be like everyone else.

At the same time it isn't an instant fix for everything. So I can see that it might look from the outside like someone is going "Oh it's totally OK that I am moody/late/disorganised/etc because I have ADHD!" and not seeming to try and do anything about it.

The thing is I think that is a necessary first step. It's basically acceptance. Then comes a long long process of trying to work out how to live with it. Obviously medication is an option for many people and that can be very helpful. Education/knowledge has also been helpful for me and trying to find ways to work with my nature rather than against it.

Not going to list out everything that has changed in the last 9 years for me but as one example - I used to be constantly late for everything and eternally stressed about this and always running out of time for everything. I am usually on time for things now, and I'm much better at working out how many tasks I can fit into a certain time frame. However, I'm still very time blind, my time management skills are still poor, I rely almost entirely on external tools such as journey planners, maps, timers, calendar/diary, and everything takes me much longer than it seems to take other people and I still struggle with transitions between tasks so I can't fit as much in as other people seem to be able to do.

And therein lies the difference.

You are confident that, if you worked harder and tried to be more organised, you wouldn't have a problem.

Some of us have this problem despite working hard and trying to be more organised. It isn't a lack of effort, whatever you might think.

My eldest daughter got a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult. My son in law also did but I think we knew he was ADHD because of him being unable to sit still and trying to do everything incredibly quickly and lack of impulse control. My daughter manifests differently as is often the case with women.

Honestly for her it was a relief to get a diagnosis and looking back on her difficulties as a teen many of the ways ADHD manifests in women made things clearer. She couldn’t understand why she felt so different to many of her peers and I couldn’t really understand her thinking as I am NT. She was an incredible perfectionist and very hard on herself and struggled to let things go when younger. She says her brain is always busy making sleep difficult and raises anxiety. Taking the medication has helped her enormously. She holds a responsible full time job so no benefits claimed so the poster who claims people get diagnosed to claim benefits is being disingenuous. Many get diagnosed to understand why their brains work the way they do and to get medicated for it as they struggle to focus otherwise. My daughter has made all sorts of changes to her work environment and now
works mainly from home to make focusing easier and has also had other work adjustments made like having meetings set in the morning as that is when her brain focuses best. Same with my son in law. So for both of them getting diagnosed was a good thing and I recognised it as such when first told and merely confirmed what I suspected.

Assessment this Friday, 47 years of anxiety, doing things impulsively, being the weird kid, debt, alcohol dependence, randomly blurting out inappropriate/embarrassing things, over sharing, socially awkward, procrastination, changing my job every 3 years, starting things buying everything for it and going no further or not finishing. Constantly picking, scratching, biting the inside of my mouth. Needing a day after a social event, that I need to talk myself into attending and drink through it. Burnout. Showering and washing hair once a week because I can't bring myself to get in the shower, but actually like being clean. Wearing the same outfit over and over. Constant monologue in my head, it's never silent in there. I have 4 organisers at home and a calendar on the fridge, nothing in them. I have it all together at work and have a good job, but got here by accident because I did terrible in exams. Really good at quizzing. Doom scroller. I feel everyone's emotions, I can sense the shift in the room. Constantly looking for reassurance that I haven't upset people or said/done something wrong. The list goes on.

I want a diagnosis so I can understand that that is why I am the way I am, and im not going crazy, and get help and coaching in managing it.

You are a good friend.

My word, you and I sound uncannily similar down to the sibling with AuDHD. As a child, I always felt that I must just be a bit thick and nothing more because I'm not as bad as my sibling. I masked like crazy and really struggled in silence at school particularly.

Like you, I had absolutely no issues with reading and spelling as a child. Fluent from as young as I can remember. Would rather read factual text books as a younger child than fictional age appropriate stuff. Now I don't read at all as my attention span is zero. It has to REALLY grab me quickly or I have to know the subject matter beforehand so that I engage quickly or it ain't happening!!

I am appalling at maths. Like really appalling. I looked forward to spelling tests at school. Dreaded maths tests. I would never pass a maths GCSE now, nor functional skills!

I get very sentimental about silly things too like childhood films. I'll watch them again as an adult simply for comfort. Films like Labyrinth.

My DD was reading almost before she could walk, reciting the alphabet before she was saying dog! But she was really quirky as a young child and all the signs were there, just as they were for me but for me, never recognised. I'm glad I've spotted it earlyish for her and hope that because of that, diagnosis or not, she can understand, accept and forgive herself and ultimately at the least, like herself more than I like me.

In answer to your questions I would think listening to your friend and asking how you can support them and being understanding of their difficulties is the best way to go.

Often ADHD people struggle with impulse control and anxiety and executive function. Suggest ways to help with that. My daughter struggles with planning meals and not giving in to impulse to order takeaways and that affects finances and weight. I will regularly offer meals to her to save her cooking/shopping etc. maybe you could do that or help your friend set up systems to help. Every ADHD person is different so it depends on where they have difficulties.

Have they? I haven’t seen that, do you know where I can find this please?

I have it too. I don’t talk about it much as it’s currently ‘flavour of the month’ which drives me mad I must admit. Like depression, and anxiety, before it, there are always people who will say they have it, or indeed do have it, but exaggerate things for effect. I did well at school and uni and am a director at work - it can be done but at huge cost health-wise at times (I was diagnosed as a menopausal woman - a growing area, sooo many undiagnosed women out there). I would say just ask your friend what you can do that helps her. There are different kinds, and different ‘strengths’ of ADHD - she will be fine in some areas of her life - excelling even - and really struggle in others. To anyone who is rude about it, either to her or you, I would love to tell them to just FO, you have no idea how fucking hard it can be. You may not be as rude, lol.
ps @theressomanytinafeysicouldbe, you sound very like me - never did the shower thing, but everything else is similar. I’m totally together at work to the complete detriment of my home life. I hope you get the help you need.

My daughter has just been diagnosed, her psychiatrist who diagnosed CPTSD (for gynae trauma) picked up on it and forwarded her for an assessment. She’s been told there’s a 10 month waiting list for medication 🥴

All her life she’s been late, procrastinates, has lost so many keys and debit cards I’ve lost count. Thankfully she works for her dad currently so he understands why she’s sometimes late for work, he’s exactly the same and definitely has undiagnosed ADHD.

The women (bitches) that she works with sulk all fucking day if she’s 5/10!minutes late. My husband says it’s none of their business, I’ve explained to him they’ll assume she’s getting preferential treatment because daddy is her boss. I’ve advised him to have words with them that she makes the time back by staying on after they’ve gone and by law she has a disability and he is making reasonable adjustments for it. They are both dyslexic as well 🤦‍♀️, my daughter is worse than her dad so they’re working out ways to make it easier for her. Her cousin is so bad he had a scribe all the way through school.

It’s definitely hereditary in our family, the mother in law is 81 and horrendous, never on time, doesn’t understand the 24 hour clock, I could go on. I’ve known my hubby for 42 years and all the information we now have explains his behaviour, it’s only been due to our daughters diagnosis that the penny has dropped. It’s been bloody hard work for me organising these two humans, I’m not dyslexic nor ADHD, I’m very organised which I believe is why they do function to a degree, it’s exhausting though as I have M.S. It’s no joke for people with these traits, my daughter and husband would love to have my organising ability, I used to be a P.A before my illness. None of them get benefits because of these conditions, life is a lot more challenging for them though.

I don’t know where that poster has seen it but mumsnet mentioned it a while ago on site stuff on a thread complaining about the amount of anti ND posts.

Thank you for that thoughtful post. The reason I thought about this was a few years ago a friend was discussing her diagnosis and I recognised so much if what she was saying. She sent me some of her assessment questionnaires and I ticked a lot of boxes. I read them out to my husband, and he nodded away.

Then I went down a rabbit hole of ND web forums. On one, people were asked to share their latest hyper focus. People posted amazing art and crochet, intricate Lego models, etc. Then I got to thinking I'm not sure spending hours trying to get a high score on fruit merge really counts.

I obsess about computer games, particularly puzzle ones, but I'm not that good at them. I resort to walk through guides a lot.

I don't know, I just suppose I started to feel that there'd be something about me that would indicate something more going on beyond what those people who say, 'everyone's a little bit ADHD'.

I kind of wondered if I wasn't wanting to be less ordinary than I am. If I wanted a reason why I struggle to cope with stress at work to the point that I always prefer more hours at minimum wage than more stress for more money.

One of the posts further up talked about novelty, etc. I think I want novelty, but hate being in a position where I'm learning something new, because I don't pick things up quickly. It would be fine if, like the computer games, I could learn in private, without the quick people tutting, but it isn't at work. In the past, I have been known, where possible, to cover my deficiencies by simply putting in a shit ton more hours and not claiming the time back, just to hide the fact that it takes me twice as long as everyone else.

I think it says more about how much ADHD was miss understood in the 90s than anything else. You would only hear of ADHD in relation to boys, and they had to be jumping off the walls. The focus was much more on dyslexia and more recently on autism. We are used to hearing more about adults (mostly women) who were masking as children and their autism wasn’t picked up on. Women are just starting to realise that they might have ADHD and aren’t just ditsy daydreamers.

My reaction is that a diagnosis itself is less important that what someone does with that diagnosis. If they use that diagnosis to develop practical ways and means of supporting themselves through life, then that's absolutely brilliant and exactly what a diagnosis should lead to.

Ds (14) was diagnosed last year. It has opened up access to medication to help him focus better at school and hopefully reach his potential (he was tracking one or two grades below his minimum target grades). But it has also opened up conversations with him about the executive skills weaknesses he has, and some of the other strategies he can use to support himself to develop those skills. Things like timers, visual aids, phone reminders, apps to help keep him organised, breaking down bigger pieces of coursework into more manageable smaller chunks, ADHD friendly revision timetables, noise cancelling headphones etc.

On the contrary, dh refuses to seek a formal diagnosis (partly due to attitudes such as the first reply on this thread) but is beginning to recognise that accepting he likely has it will help him to better understand himself and his reactions, and manage in different ways. He has struggled immensely throughout life, suffers from anxiety (for which he has self medicated with alcohol, resulting in chronic pancreatitis) and depression, low self esteem etc. He's been employed his whole life, works hard and is an excellent husband and father. I just wish he hadn't suffered for so long thinking he just wasn't good enough. He's his own biggest critic.

Hi, apologies for the small hijack but …. Can I ask what helps ? I’m 52 and feel like my ‘pull myself together’ skills are completely over’. My mind feels scrambled all the time.

What helps ?

Thank you

It's a life changing diagnosis, largely in a positive way. It allows people to understand their life to date and why they can be hugely talented in some areas while really struggling in others. Medication can be astonishingly effective - stimulants are the most effective psychiatric medications by miles. We can but dream of making other psych meds as effective as ADHD meds!

I had my ADHD diagnosis earlier this year at 51 years old.

I also scored highly for ASD but not pursuiing that diagnosis as my assessor said without the parental letters about my childhood it would be difficult.

My child has ASD (diagnosed) and that led me to pursue my own.

I am a successful middle-aged woman, BUT I have had YEARS to develop strategies.

People say oh but you are on time, you hit your deadlines, you hold a job. What they don't see is the 5 alarms for each stage of leaving the house, the frantic procrastination before the deadlines and then fact I have been in the same job for 20+ years having built a series of accommodations and strategies even before diagnosis.

Peri-menopause actually exacerbates ADHD symptoms and that has made me get to a point where I was floundering and my strategies weren't working.

My ADHD diagnosis helped me be kinder to myself. not as an excuse as I am still fiercly independent but in a way that it's ok to slow down a bit.

I was on a waiting list for 3 years, it wasn't 'handed in' to be trendy.

ALso I tried meds - meds don't work for me. The stimulants left me with insane insomnia - i should have known as I can't drink energy drinks either - and the Non-Stimulants were working a bit but gave me gastrointestinal problems and the side effects were too much for the small benefits i got.

how you can help? i don't know? maybe making your friend aware of plans, not changing things last minute, giving plenty of notice, not feel targeted if they interrupt when you are talking or blurt out ends of sentences - honestly can't help it sometimes. and tasks have to either be done now or not-now and if a task is not-now we need reminders, calendar notices, anything to do them as the not-now time tends to vanish into oblivion.

Also we need things visible or we forget about them, in a cupboard? often out of mind. Things have to be in the same place, keys, phone, etc, or we forget. And so on...

Unfortunately I am one of the small % of people for whom stimulants didn't work.
Sigh

Trouble is, I'm incapable of putting things back in the same place without really concentrating. My husband of many years has now learnt where to find things I last had, because he's fought a losing battle trying to get me to put it back properly. I'm better than I was, and it does help that at least he puts things in the right places.

I still open every drawer for a spoon despite the fact that the spoons are always in one specific drawer. I know that, so why is it that in the moment, I don't just open the correct drawer? It isn't like we've got 47 different drawers!

ah but yes, if i don't put the keys in the dish when i get home I will look for them for half an hour as they can be anywhere - a pocket, a bag, etc.

Sometimes muscle memory helps - i could probably dial my childhood phone number out of muscle memory. and having been in the same place for 15+ years i always do the same. if i moved house i'd be fucked !

Yes, if I don't put the keys in the key cupboard, I'll spend ages trying to find them, but have to really think about it to put them there in the first place. Good point about moving, we moved three years ago and there's definitely an element of putting things where they went in the last house, if you see what I mean.

Did they try you on lisdexamphetamine or just methylphenidate? I was told the latter (eg Concerta) work for about 70% of people, and of the remaining 30% lisdexamphetamine (eg Elvanse) works for 85% of them. If you're in the UK they always start with methylphenidate. I know in some countries e.g. Netherlands only the Concerta type are available.

I hope your diagnosis has helped you understand yourself more and be kinder to yourself ❤️

I can see why people say this, and those instagram questionnaires really don’t help this opinion. The questions are all on the lines of ‘do you lose things? Do you have difficulty concentrating and find yourself daydreaming? Do you spend a lot of time and focus on tasks or activities that interest you?’

Everyone is going to be able to answer yes to those types of questions, so I can see why people think they have ADHD ‘traits’

The difference with a diagnosis is obviously the extent of the functional impairment but this is never mentioned in the online tests

Ive no problem with people seeking diagnosis but I do wish that those who are just doing so because they’re interested in answers to why they are the way the are, rather than looking for medication or help with things, would go private and not clog up the NHS waiting lists so that those with severe impairments could be seen quicker

methylphenidate - different doses and different releases.
then moved to non-stimulants.

I think I am ok trying non-meds and just understanding. I can always try again next year if things get too much again

I just used it as an excuse to get Speed free on the NHS

/sarcasm

As someone who was diagnosed as an adult a few years ago, I would be delighted for them!
Most of the people who know me well weren't surprised at all.
The best support I've had were from those who have been very patiently putting up with me while I try to process everything. Learning that you're not actually just a useless waste of space and haven't failed at being a person, is a huge thing to get to grips with. It's harder to learn that your personality was symptoms and masking, so you need to relearn who you are.
Then there's grieving what your life could have been if you had been diagnosed and medicated as a child.

I did lose some friends because they preferred me before as I was so much more entertaining being the human car crash that I was. But I've made new friends who are also ND, so we get each other and there's no judgement.

Another difficult thing as been when I've told family/friends and they've said they understand and want to support me. But that is until my ADHD affects them in a slightly negative way. Then they get angry and think that I'm deliberately being difficult. But I'm not. And I'm still learning how to get a handle on the symptoms not managed by meds. But they do need to understand that I'm not happy masking anymore, and, like most of us, we become less tolerant of certain things as we get older. I'm not going to pack it all away so that I can be more palatable to some people.