Adult ADHD diagnosis!

[TheBeaTgoeson1]

last Monday, somebody very close to me was diagnosed with ADHD following an assessment process. They are an adult, and have lived with what they now understand to be symptoms (is that the right word?) for decades.

They do feel relieved, however they also feel almost like they might be judged by people thinking they are almost trying to excuse some of their behaviours. Nothing bad, but behaviours around disorganisation, timekeeping, procrastination! I’d like to support them, and I guess my question is two fold.

What is everybody’s honest opinion when they hear that somebody has received a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult?

How can somebody Neurotypical support somebody with ADHD in any practical ways?

Honestly, she might want to be cautious about sharing the information with too many people. A lot of people don't believe that ADHD is real, and they think people are just lazy or disorganised or whatever. And if your friend is anything like most of us with ADHD, she will have probably spent her life telling herself that she is lazy or disorganised and just needs to pull herself together, so she really doesn't need to be exposed to the views of people who are just going to reinforce those harmful thoughts. There really isn't any point in arguing with people who don't get it because they never will.

Congratumisserations to your relative with a recent diagnosis. It can be overwhelmingly helpful in knowing oneself, and at the same time fill you with grief as the realisations that you've gone your whole life without support and understanding and still face further misunderstandings simply by nature of the condition.

I think there's a lot of misinformation about people with ADHD seeking PIP, as shown from some posters. ADHD isn't seen as the disability it genuinely is.

To the OP, the systems that work best for supporting someone with ADHD are based on Novelty, Urgency, Interest and Challenge. A lot of the time when someone with ADHD needs to start a task and it doesn't meet the above requirements it causes this decision-paralysis type state. I'd strongly recommend you look into executive dysfunction, it will explain a lot.

Equally if something really grabs the attention of someone with ADHD it can give this horrible inertia when trying to stop, which can be equally devastating and disabling. I've seen a lot of quirky memes about not being able to clean or not being able to stop cleaning until its 4am and you've to set off for work at 6, while yes, this can happen, it's also applicable to many other things such as hobbies and interests, which is why people with ADHD get a lot of flack. I've seen it posted plenty of times "well if he/she can spend hours on their hobby why can't they do the laundry" or "I bet they manage to do their Big Adult Job perfectly fine so why can't they pull their weight at home?" And it completely neglects the way the ADHD brain works.

It's a really tough landscape to navigate OP, but having support is really something that is invaluable.

If you share responsibilities with this person, play to each other's strengths. It will make task management a whole lot easier.

I am currently on another, similar thread.

Some of this perhaps won’t reflect overly well on me but the OP did ask for honesty!

I have realised either autism or ADHD, possibly both, probably accounts for some of my rather strange behaviour as a child / adolescent and accounts for something of a car crash of my twenties and to an extent my thirties.

I don’t want a diagnosis because quite bluntly I want to be ‘normal.’ It may explain a lot of things but I am still someone with autonomy and I can make choices and decision. What goes on in my head may be extremely weird but how I choose to present myself is not.

I think that both autism and ADHD have become so broad as to become meaningless and this detracts from the suffering of those genuinely impaired by these conditions. I don’t generally see it as an attempt to get money. It’s more a way of rewriting the past and (I’ll get annihilated for this) I think it’s a dangerous route to go down as it puts yourself in the position of perpetual victim and that’s not something I have a lot of time for.

I'm the same. Used to hyperfocus on books when I was a child, but I can very rarely do that now. Occasionally when I'm on holiday.... and then once I get stuck in, I really can't put it down!

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBackYES! I think you have hit the nail on the head here!! And I think this is on the back of their mind. They have had a lifetime of not thinking they are good enough, thinking that there is a failure in them, but they are a bit useless, disorganised, And sometimes I think even feeling that they are not very intelligent. Despite everything pointing to the fact that they are!! Just a feeling of not being able to o
overcome certain aspects. I think this is really good advice, they will most likely choose to share the information with.

One thing they are working out is whether to share with their workplace, but that’s another question!

I can't be arsed to get a diagnosis because I don't want medication. I don't want to become high functioning!

I would just not think anything really. It seems like the illness du jour in adults so lots of people seem to be getting diagnosed.

It wouldn't make me think any worse of the person. If I found them annoying or whatever then tough, that's just the way they are. But I'd think that regardless of a diagnosis.

I was diagnosed in my mid 50s about 18 months ago. The overwhelming attitude from friends and acquaintances has been positive mostly “no shit Sherlock”

Other people don’t matter.

I am 99.9% sure I have ADHD, I have all the hallmarks, but at 34 years of age and having found plenty of coping mechanisms that work for me I do not see the point of getting a diagnosis now.

However I don't judge people who do seek adult diagnoses, I understand the uncertainty of not knowing can be horrible, and just being able to definitively say "this is why I do X or Y" could be beneficial.

I do wonder if as many people would be angered by adults seeking diagnoses for physical conditions that they've always had but didn't have a name for until recently, something like lipoedema for instance. Can't imagine that would be as divisive. Wonder why that is.

I think there are multiple things going on with the recent increase in ADHD (and ASD) diagnoses. A lot of ADHD was missed in the past, particularly in women, and much of the current increase is just catching up from that.

But I also think that because these conditions are now so well known and prominent, people with similar symptoms from other, perhaps less well known issues are more likely to have their issues mistaken for ADHD etc. Things like PTSD/CPTSD and other trauma related issues, post-infectious conditions such as Long Covid, and other medical issues like hypothyroidism. (These are all things people I know turned out to have, which were originally mistaken for ADHD). Probably various other things too, those are just the ones I know of.

I also think our society is often very demanding and misaligned with our mental and emotional needs, and people quite naturally having difficulty dealing with these pressures can sometimes be mistaken for ADHD etc.
I think misdiagnosis is more likely to happen in private clinics as some of them don't seem particularly thorough (though I know there are plenty of reputable ones too).
So when I hear that someone I know has a new ADHD diagnosis, I do wonder if it is actually ADHD or not, but I wouldn't say that to them as I wouldn't want to hurt them, and I'm not qualified to judge whether they have ADHD anyway! Plus even if they had been misdiagnosed I would in no way blame them for that! In that case the fault would really be with the clinic, not them. In terms of support I would think best just to ask them if there is anything in particular they would like support with? That was a bit rambly and probably not very helpful, sorry! 😄

@LoveSandbanks Love this 🤣 And this was a bit like with this friend!

Lots of people have suggested that I might have adhd, but I haven’t even been brave enough to mention it to my lovely gp for fear of being accused of jumping on a bandwagon, so there you go. I’ll just carry on living a shit show.

First really on this thread is really depressing. I really hope that's not a popular opinion.

I'm an ADHD hipster (diagnosed before it was cool 😎) and I don't think it's a bad thing that more people are exploring diagnosis. It's one of those conditions that presents differently in women and has therefore been massively under diagnosed, which is now being corrected.

In terms of support, medication will make the world of difference, but I think if you're close it's also good to be that devil's advocate - if your friend ever blames things on ADHD, be that gentle voice to say "ok, so we know what causes it, but what do you want to do to change it, and how can I help you?". I think a big problem at the moment is that people have such a long waiting list that they've pinned all their hopes on being diagnosed as a magic bullet, and have kind of become "helpless" - the thing that helped me the most 10 years ago was this idea of ok, the way you feel and act is influenced by your neuro type, but you still have to exist and function in an neurotypical world, so how are we going to do that?

I've been off medication for three years now (not by choice) and it's bumpy at times but a million times better than before diagnosis and medication. It is possible to learn how to cope with it; medication is hugely helpful while learning.

What do you think would happen if you did mention it to your GP?

I think this is what I do genuinely find bewildering; what do people think will actually change when they have a diagnosis? There isn’t a cure, it is you, for better for worse so to speak.

@Zippidydoodah this was their problem as well, they didn’t want to appear like they were jumping on a bandwagon either, but they were really glad that they did do it. It has led too much great understanding, and it will be interesting to see if medication can help them.

It has actually ruined my life. Massively underachieved despite having a great education and very bright parents. Not being able to concentrate is a blocker to any half-decent job. I use alcohol to help calm my mind but decades of doing that has led to me having early stage liver disease. I get so angry at people that minimise the impact ADHD can have on people.

It's a tough one re work. I have a lot of autonomy in my role, so I don't really need specific adjustments to be made by anyone else. For this reason, I have chosen not to share at work, with the exception of sharing with one of my direct reports who was line managing someone who I strongly suspect also has adhd.

If adjustments are needed, then disclosure is probably advisable, but I would advise anyone to proceed with caution in this situation.

I think your friend should follow tips for living with ADHD, take medication if prescribed etc but not tell everyone in his/her life - work, casual friends, wider family etc, as when a diagnosis is widely spread, it does seem that the person is looking for special treatment.

I have a friend who has a successful life - degree, job, friends, seems generally content with things. She got an ADHD diagnosis and it's become a big part of her personality now - she finds the way her ADHD brain works really interesting, but it's not that interesting for anyone else

@iamfairlysureiam this is an interesting point, and something that they explored as well. To a certain extent a case of why “do I need a diagnosis, even if I do think I fit the criteria, I already know how to live my life”
but I think it came down to understanding again. A diagnosis formally has also given them the opportunity to explore medication.

I'm not going to flame you for it, but can't you see that willing yourself to be normal won't make you normal?

Many of us have willed ourselves into being normal until we've had mental breakdowns, relationship breakdowns, ended up sectioned, asking for voluntary holds, lost jobs, been abused, lost skills we previously had, developed cPTSD.

One of the criteria is that the traits presented must be substantially disabling. You don't get a diagnosis if you're not substantially disabled. I know that's probably hard for you to see as you've not been through the diagnostic pathway, but the assessments themselves are like walking through the circles of hell on your hands and knees, being flagellated as every single thing in your life is pathologised against your will.

I also understand your point of view that you think the diagnostic criteria is being diluted, it isn't. Support needs are recognised even if they're not labelled at diagnosis. There will always be those who are higher support needs and those who are lower support needs, but the lower support needs people are still substantially disabled by having autism or ADHD.

In a way, for late diagnosed people it does rewrite the past. That's not a bad thing in context. We also don't all view ourselves as perpetual victims either. If that's how you view us, do you think the same of blind people for living in a world that isn't accessible to them? I mean, people don't always respect that guide dogs have a job to do, or move out of the way, or recognise the tactile pavement they're hogging is necessary for people using a cane to determine where abouts they are, and people who are distracted by phones, kids, chatter, often bump into them. Does that make them perpetual victims for having a disability that they can't control? I don't think they'd think kindly of being viewed as a perpetual victim.

The world isn't built for them, no more than it is for us, but your inner sense of ableism is telling you that if we make our needs known and they're habitually not met that we're victimising ourselves.

Anyway, I don't expect I can change your mind. You think what you think and that's that, but sometimes we need to check our inner narrative.

I think that, unfortunately, this will be the view of more people than are willing to say it out loud.

'Jumping on the bandwagon'. Bloody hell. Would you say that about depression? I bet not.

Having a diagnosis is hugely helpful to a lot of us, simply in terms of understanding ourselves. And medication can make a huge difference for those who are able to take it.

It's fair enough not to pursue a diagnosis if you don't feel that you want one, but that doesn't mean that others might not find it helpful.

I have this diagnosis. I think I am unusual in some ways but I also think ADHD is in general a load of old cope for people who either need more sleep or aren't nearly as clever as they think. I know so many neat, dull little women insisting they'd have done SOOOOO much better at school if only they'd known and I just think no my love you are a dim lady raised in aspirational lower middle class climes that's all.

I would add. I'm "normal". Whatever that is. I just happen to have adhd as well. It doesn't make me a freak!