Adult ADHD diagnosis!

[TheBeaTgoeson1]

last Monday, somebody very close to me was diagnosed with ADHD following an assessment process. They are an adult, and have lived with what they now understand to be symptoms (is that the right word?) for decades.

They do feel relieved, however they also feel almost like they might be judged by people thinking they are almost trying to excuse some of their behaviours. Nothing bad, but behaviours around disorganisation, timekeeping, procrastination! I’d like to support them, and I guess my question is two fold.

What is everybody’s honest opinion when they hear that somebody has received a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult?

How can somebody Neurotypical support somebody with ADHD in any practical ways?

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack - I know it sounds like a weak little flapping fish when I say ‘oh no no I don’t mean you’ but I guess I’m not thinking of people like yourselves.

I know for me my twenties and thirties were just dreadfully chaotic, I couldn’t seem to manage the most basic things pertaining to money, timekeeping and even having a normal ish diet - I’d generally not eat all day then binge on absolute junk all evening, normal perhaps at 22 but I was still at it at 37! - I can be kinder to myself now that I ‘know’ but I have no intention of letting anyone else know! Even my husband has no idea what my life used to be like.

I can relate to the ‘real me’ being exposed for my part, I didn’t ever do badly academically but I never really graduated properly into adult life until in the last five years or so actually. I used to think it was because my mother died when I was mid teens but I think it was more than that now.

Except lots of us choose not to share it with people in RL, because we know that there is so much judgement.

And perhaps that is the distinction; there are those who share and those who don’t and those who do share do tend to be a ‘type’, in my observations at any rate.

Love this.

My story is almost identical. Diagnosed 2 years ago in my early 50s and until a psychologist asked me if I’d ever considered that I might have ADHD, it had never even featured on my radar. He was actually a ND specialist that was assessing me to help with cognitive issues that I was suffering with due to long Covid and he later said he knew almost immediately that I had ADHD as it was so obvious.

Told a few close friends about my diagnosis and without exception my male friends did the “no shit Sherlock” response whereas my female friends seemed dumbfounded and it had never occurred to them either. Quite an interesting difference in reaction between the sexes (but obviously a small sample size!)

@TheBeaTgoeson1 I’m very open about having ADHD at work. It was actually my employer who paid for the psychologist and my subsequent diagnosis. (My NHS GP wouldn’t even refer me to be assessed as “they’ll just give you amphetamines and we don’t really advise that” - and yes, she seriously said that!). I work in Financial Services and it’s very clear (now!) that it attracts a lot of people with ADHD due to Novelty, Urgency, Interest and Challenge (great post from @Jimmyneutronsforehead - these 4 words are so powerful for understanding ADHD).

However, I’m more guarded about sharing my diagnosis in my private life. The aforementioned close friends know and one of my cousins (and my best friend’s mum) but that’s it. It’s very obvious to me now that my father has ADHD. We are SO alike. But he’s 83. When I was diagnosed in my 50s it felt like I’d been hit by a truck and I went through a real cycle of emotional turmoil trying to come to terms with it and how my life could have been very different if I’d been diagnosed much earlier. I don’t want to put my Dad through that. I’d already made the decision not to tell him but it was further confirmed recently when I visited my best friend’s 80 year mum. My friend and her brother (both early 50s) have recently been diagnosed with autism and their mum realises now that she most likely has it too and she really blames herself for passing it to her children. She feels real angst.

A diagnosis brings with it real emotional turmoil as well as an element of relief. It’s almost like going through the cycle of grief. It’s taken me a good 12 months to work my way through it.

As somebody who looked into possibly getting diagnosed a few years ago, oddly, my biggest fear was that I wouldn't get a diagnosis.
That it would turn out I really was just pretty crap at stuff. That there's no reason, I'm just not very capable.

The thing is, I'm genuinely not very intelligent. All the adults I know who were diagnosed as adults are definitely more intelligent than me.

I really am average. Some of it I can attribute to my already diagnosed dyscalculia, but not all.

In many ways I'd rather keep in my head that I might not just be rather useless, instead of having it formally confirmed that I'm just not that good at stuff.

There's no reasonable adjustment for simply being an average to below average Joe or Jane, which I suspect is really the case with me.

I'm not convinced about my ling-ago dyscalculia diagnosis now either. I think I'm just...not very bright.

I realised a few years ago that a lot of my flaws, the things I’ve beaten myself up about over the years and are massive day to day frustrations and limitations could actually be explained by ADHD.
I celebrate the current explosion of diagnosis, particularly for the value it has in a shift we need in considering what is normal. If 20% of the population fit a disorder profile we need to look at what is normal. I don’t feel abnormal or divergent just that I have a different version of how the brain works to some others. One day I wonder if brain function types may be characterised as eg blue type and green type etc rather than typical and atypical which will be more helpful. Within some types there will be people (like me) that rub along just fine and others that need more help/ medication to function.
I haven’t sought a diagnosis (if it was free or didn’t clog up a place for someone struggling more I might) and when I mentioned it to a friend she laughed in my face so understand your friends concerns.
I feel we are on a useful pathway with understanding different brain types that hasn’t quite met its end.

But you were justifying people saying ‘we’re all a bit ADHD’ by saying they were just trying to move on from the conversation. Anyone saying that knows that they’re being offensive, it’s like the people that call it a label, they know very well what they’re doing. There are better ways to move a conversation on than to be offensive.

For some reason some people get very annoyed about ND, mumsnet HQ have told us that it’s something people troll about regularly. Some posters get a bee in their bonnet about it ND, like they do weight loss injections. Very strange.

This kind of shit is the reason I told no one but DH.

I was claiming adult disability long before my diagnosis though, it’s almost as if these things are based on need and not diagnosis

I didn't pay anyone, I waited 2 years for an assessment on the NHS. During that time my mental health took a nosedive and (TW) I almost took my own life because I struggled with some parts of 'normal' life so much before I understood the reason why.

I can't speak to dexamfetamine because even though I was diagnosed in January, the waiting list to start titrating on medication where I live is another year so currently I am still unmedicated.

It's honestly been a horrendous lengthy process with seemingly no light at the end of the tunnel- if someone is honestly putting themselves through this simply for attention or to jump on a bandwagon then they're more tenacious than I am.

I think to have an ADHD diagnosis in adulthood (as opposed to childhood when it might be a problem at school) is indeed an excuse not to work on yourself. Like procrastination - it's sheer laziness. I am like that all the time - because frankly, it's always more pleasant to waste time doing pleasant things rather than work. I won't try to seek any mental health diagnosis, because I know I'm just lazy. If I worked harder and tried to be more organised, I wouldn't have this problem. As simple as that. As adults were are mature and self-conscious and should try to improve our behaviours, and not seek excuse to justify our bad behaviours.

How you describe yourself really rings true for me.

I came close to going for a diagnosis in 2021. Was referred and cancelled about 3 appointments with Psychiatry UK, bottling out because I was battling wanting answers and 'fixing it' VS just wanting to be normal and living my life. So I didn't and left it at that. I do wonder whether meds could have helped me though.

Nobody knows that I think am sure I have ADHD other than my DH, DM and my DD. I've never mentioned it to another soul. It was my DDs traits over the years that gave me the aha! moment for myself.

She too is undiagnosed but I have tried to get her talking and be really open with her about it so she doesn't get into that damaging cycle of self depreciation. I want her to like herself unlike how I feel about me. I hope that being aware that this might be explain a lot of why she is how she is, will help her. I never had that and just thought I was a total weirdo until I was 40. Still do I guess!

I don’t think people are knowingly being offensive @TheWoofsAndTheMeows . I think a lot of the time it’s an awkward ‘not sure what to say.’ And one thing I do find a bit frustrating with neurodiversity is the insistence that somehow NT people are always smooth socially. They aren’t; they will often feel gauche and anxious and fret over saying the ‘wrong’ thing.

But that aside it is not for me to tell you or anyone what to do. I just think generally lecturing tends to be ill received.

You don’t get a diagnosis in adulthood if there weren’t clear markers of it in childhood.

You’re also confusing ADHD traits as personality traits and not literal differences in brain processing. Having an underdeveloped frontal lobe has real impact. I spend a huge amount of energy organising myself at work (a very NT environment) which basically wipes out my weekends. I look at the mess and have great plans to sort it out, but there’s just nothing left in the tank to tackle it and I barely touch the surface.

Please don't let this stop you seeking a diagnosis.

I feel I shouldn't need to say this but ADHD and autism are not measures of intelligence.

They're really not. I know that it can be easy to think you have to have a particularly low or particularly high intelligence to fall into the categories for diagnostic criteria but it's about how you function day to day.

After my diagnosis, though over a year later, I was offered some post diagnostic support through OT. It's made so much difference that I cried that it had taken me so long and I'd judged myself so much before I finally bit the bullet.

That post diagnostic support wasn't wishy washy validating my crapness at stuff but it was genuine tailored support to help me get better at things and it's working.

I've gone from a huge bout of burnout, losing my job, having to rely on benefits, not being able to keep my bedroom tidy, having doom piles of things, bags, clothes, to still having a somewhat chaotic life but now I understand how my brain works I'm looking at starting my own business and working for myself where I control the input and output based on my own needs at the time.

If you've always been this way, and you feel it's stayed the same or is just getting worse, then don't let the fear of rejection stop you. See it as a box ticking exercise to knowing yourself better and stop applying moral value to how much you can output because thats not a true measure of your value.

The difference is that with ADHD, it isn't as simple as working harder and trying to be more organised. I never, ever managed to do that - despite trying very hard - until I had medication. That's how I improved my behaviours, which I think is pretty mature and self conscious.

Also, children with ADHD grow up into adults with ADHD, so what happens at the age of 18 to change everything?

My children seem unaffected but then they are only little so I don’t know.

I did have a few things going on: my brother was (is) so … difficult. I think this is why I see things from both sides; I know having autism and ADHD can be hellish and his life is so miserable but equally it can be awful for those living with it; not a popular view I know but truth.

I also was reading quite fluently by age three and everyone thought I was a genius but of course I’ve since discovered that that’s autism 😂 I definitely reached my peak early if you like; I was reading books for fifteen year olds age five but then reading books for ten year olds aged fifteen. Definitely didn’t want to grow up.

Parenting has been a massive challenge for me and it’s made me realise I am not patient or particularly nice a lot of the time. I have to mask with my children as otherwise they would be miserable! And the more you do something the easier it becomes I think.

There is no one alive or available to give evidence (for want of a better word) in me in childhood.

Any doctor diagnosing me would be reliant on my memories and something I’ve come to realise is how unreliable our own memories can be.

Same. I had no idea that other people didn’t have 30-40 “tabs” open in their brains at any given time, and meds let me focus on 10-15 of them for 8 hours a day rather then trying to juggle them all. I will sometimes take them at weekends to get stuff done, but my consultant likes me to have a regular break from them.

@ObelixtheGaul ugh, yes I really feel your post. God the thought of regurgitating how terrible and useless you are in the hope someone will tell you it's because of ADHD only told, nope you're just crap. Gah! Also why I ended up not seeking a diagnosis when I had the chance 4 years ago.

You wouldn’t get a diagnosis then. People use school reports where they don’t have people that can answer questions.

I don’t want to dismiss you but I will say you certainly sound articulate and clever to me.

I can sympathise though as I am Bad At Maths as in, I am really really bad at maths, even very basic concepts. It’s a good thing I sat my GCSE in 1997 as I would never pass it now!

@GreenGodiva
"I left school with zero GCSEs. At 19 I decided to go back to studying and it took me almost 16 years of part time study to get my degree and thena masters while juggling my kids and my home. I’ve never been able to hold down a job for more than 6/8 months due to massive burn out and huge depressive episodes. I was misdiagnosed bipolar and spent 4 years in 80mmg of quetiapine which left me with tardive dyskenisia and a desired sleep pattern." Your experience has very classic hallmarks of ADHD and you can see by the impact it's had on your life that your ADHD is a disability. I think it would be outrageous if anyone begrudged you your ADHD diagnosis.

Genuinely asking, what do you think of people who are diagnosed with ADHD late in life who gained all their A GCSEs, A levels, and first class degrees at the "correct" time, have held down the same good job since their early 20s, are happily married and have no drug addiction issues? I am very genuinely NOT* saying these people can never have ADHD or don't deserve a diagnosis, but I do understand why people look at them slightly differently to say people like yourself, or people in prison etc.

It's sort of how I feel when I see some autistic children who attend mainstream school, can talk read and write etc and I look at my non verbal autistic child, in nappies, who is screaming and flinging himself at cars. I don't want to invalidate the struggles of autistic children who are academically able etc, but something about it feels, I don't know, difficult.

And someone with likely ADHD has totally kept those for over thirty years and knows where they can be located! Which goes to show how farcical it all is! (I don’t mean the diagnosis as such, more the process.)

It is different @SomethingInnocuousForNow

Hi. It’s ruined my life too. I used alcohol to feel normal. I might get a diagnosis and try medication. However, I’m 59 so have left it v late.
Havs you tried the medication and if so , doesit help?