Adult ADHD diagnosis!

[TheBeaTgoeson1]

last Monday, somebody very close to me was diagnosed with ADHD following an assessment process. They are an adult, and have lived with what they now understand to be symptoms (is that the right word?) for decades.

They do feel relieved, however they also feel almost like they might be judged by people thinking they are almost trying to excuse some of their behaviours. Nothing bad, but behaviours around disorganisation, timekeeping, procrastination! I’d like to support them, and I guess my question is two fold.

What is everybody’s honest opinion when they hear that somebody has received a diagnosis of ADHD as an adult?

How can somebody Neurotypical support somebody with ADHD in any practical ways?

Wow, that's pretty judgmental. How can you say what they might have achieved of they had had better support?

I had the opposite problem tbh. I was very academic, so my problems were masked for years. I often think I'd have got help sooner if I had underperformed at school.

I think that a lot of people would have the view that people with depression (and probably anxiety) are just whining about normal life and need to buck up.

I think that for some people, ADHD, depression, anxiety are grouped together under the same umbrella of “things people use as excuses”.

(To be clear, that’s not my view. I had very severe PND, and have had an anxiety disorder for over a decade)

Your post is so confusing; so do you think you are also a dim lady raised in aspirational lower middle class climes?

@Jimmyneutronsforehead i think there is a bit of a spectrum with this. My brother is pretty severely affected and he can’t be normal! Me … I can mask; I do it well. But it has taken years of honing and practice. But I do recognise not everybody can do this.

@MrsBennetsPoorNervesAreBack thats true for ADHD, but medication is sometimes not the answer or can lead to further issues. And of course for autism there is nothing.

I think it has been helpful for me to understand some of my past behaviours (we all know what it’s like to be awake at 3 with your brain going ‘hmm, let’s think about that thing that happened in 2006’ but for me I can now say ‘ah yeah, that was because …’

I have more compassion for myself but also for my parents, who must have found me baffling and frustrating. So all to the good. What I really don’t personally like is when people make ADHD their personality. I may have autism and or ADHD. I’m still me. Claiming that has been the most powerful and freeing thing of all.

Yes I judge them so it is judgemental. Some of them I know well enough to know they just don't have much imagination or spark. They are neat professionals who can't focus on boring things because guess what boring things are boring but they lack the intelligence generally to see the bigger picture.

To a point, I agree with this and this is where it becomes an excuse.

I could have done better at school if I hadn’t had ADHD / mother didn’t die / revised the right part of the history exam / read the set text (no really in one case!) / done this / turned left / turned right / whispered to the moon

But I didn’t.

And that’s all there is to it. The whys aren’t important; what matters is what is.

I sometimes think similar with children, I see a lot of posts that seem to have a scooby doo view that if they hadn’t had children they’d be sipping cocktails in Paris and no, you wouldn’t be. You’d still be middle aged with laundry and a job.

I was diagnosed at 44. Not a single person - friend, family, colleague was in the slightest bit surprised. It felt as though everyone knew but me.

I have encountered relatively little negative reaction from others - mainly “we’re all a little bit ADHD, aren’t we?” (at which point I offer to run through my PowerPoint slide deck on why that isn’t the case).

I don’t use it as an excuse, but I do use it to explain to others when I might need something different or different information.

No I think I'm pretty smart tbh but I also don't think my life would be any different "if only I had known".

I live in total physical chaos and do several jobs simultaneously so I don't know what my deal is but who cares when the prescription speed keeps the mood up hey.

If you can keep your house within touching distance of tidy you do not have ADHD is my number one prejudice on the matter.

Trying to think of a polite way of saying this but please don’t do that. People are trying to move on and change the subject; they really don’t want a PowerPoint!

Yeah this is the other thing - banging on about your life changing diagnosis is like telling someone at agonising length about a dream you had. Literally nobody cares.

Maybe they shouldn’t say offensive things like ‘we’re all a little bit ADHD’…..because no we’re not.

People LOVE to tell the world they have ADHD, makes them feel good.

I got my diagnosis at the start of this year and have told nobody but my partner, precisely because of opinions like yours. It's really isolating.

Interesting that you think your diagnosis is fine, but other isn't?

It is one of those things that is a big no no to say online but in RL is acceptable. While we are not all a little ADHD many people do have symptoms of ADHD without actually having ADHD, which is what they mean.

Of course, you and anybody else are free to educate whoever you want (if educate means you will listen to me telling you how wrong you are!) but it may not be received with particular attention or interest and truthfully for most people it is just tedious and boring.

In my experience, it’s not someone ‘banging on about it’, it’s usually someone asking why they get something that they don’t at work, and then the person tells them they have ADHD, autism etc. The come the comments like ‘we’re all a little bit ADHD or on the spectrum aren’t we’. They're ignorant and offensive.

That description couldn't be further from me. I have loads of hobbies, loads of friends and people seem to gravitate towards me in all settings so I don't think I'm boring or lacking spark.

I think my "diagnosis" is a load of old guff, as above, it's a questionnaire and an interview made up of hugely leading questions. I do also have aberrant behaviours that I know many people find weird. I like dexamfetamine it's a lot better for mood than anything else I've tried.

If you think a psychiatrist who is probably being paid by you to define you in a way you want actually does define you meaningfully I think that's unfortunate.

No, they mean to minimise the other persons diagnosis ime.

I’m not ND but my sister works on a team that diagnoses autism and she hears this out of thing from people all the time. Obviously she tells them that they’re incorrect. You can’t be ‘a bit’ ADHD, and people who word it like that know exactly what they’re doing.

It was tongue in cheek…….. there is no PowerPoint.

This may be true for you but most people I know who have pursued a diagnosis have been verrrry vocal indeed about it, to the point where it is a struggle to have a conversation where it is NOT mentioned.

Fair enough, that’ll be the literalness taking over 😂

Interesting.

I'm the opposite to those people in many ways. Excelled in school, Oxbridge degree, very successful career etc. Lots of "achievements".

My life on paper looks perfect, so I definitely wasn't looking for excuses when I sought a diagnosis. I was looking for an explanation as why I still felt like a failure in spite of all the "achievements". Why the simplest tasks were so often a struggle when I was able to manage much more complex projects successfully. Why I so constantly lived in fear that the "real" me might be exposed.

Those closest to me knew my struggles, of course, and they weren't surprised by the diagnosis. The rest of the world has no idea, and they don't need to know.

It'different for everyone. Of course, the adhd is a part of who I am, and a diagnosis doesn't change that. It does help me to understand myself better.

Masking is a survival skill.

Some people call it camouflaging, because like chameleons, you do it to blend in.

You're right that not everybody has the capacity to do this because it requires the skill of the perception of the world outside of yourself, but having a perception of the world outside of yourself isn't part of the diagnostic criteria, it's simply part of a spikey profile.

Masking can also look different for everyone who does it because it depends on your environment. For me, it's rehearsing scripts both before and after they've happened. It's constantly analysing what was said, how it was said, to the point I even mimic people's accents without realising I'm doing it. I spent a week working with 2 Romanian colleagues who thought I was mocking them, but I wasn't, it was just the way my brain was processing language at that time. Sometimes, like at the wedding reception I was at on Saturday, it's needing a drink just to be able to speak at all because there's so much input in every direction. It's practicing little phrases for when people catch me behaving weird to justify my weird behaviour like "Sorry, I'm a bit deaf, could you say that slower?" For when they have an accent I can't register, or "I'm just counting something" if people catch me stimming with my fingers. It's grinding my teeth to a pulp so I don't run off when I hear people slurping or gulping.

There's a lot more that goes into masking, and some people are definitely capable of it for a lot longer than others.

Unfortunately it's psychologically exhausting and I know many people who haven't been able to keep it up and that's what has lead to late diagnosis in them, but you still need an incredible amount of proof that this has been present since childhood.

It's been a great comfort to me since my diagnosis that all of those times I had my bum smacked, sent to the chair, sent to bed without food, pulled my hair out in chunks because I wish I could have just done as I was told or not cried and promised myself I'd not do it again and then done it again weren't because I was being a drama queen, attention seeker, controlling little brat, primadonna and the swathes of other names I'd been called, but because I was actually in a neurological state of crisis beyond my control and it couldn't have been helped, and it was for the adults around me in my formative years to recognise that. It's helped me understand them and forgive them because back then diagnoses especially for women and girls were exceptionally low.

I was diagnosed just before I turned 29. My son was diagnosed age 3. According to family we were exactly the same at that age. A lot of "I wonder where he got that from" tongue in cheek style comments, but the wider understanding of autism means he'll never have to go through what I went through my entire life where I wasn't supported to improve, I was beaten and chastised and shamed and embarrassed throughout my home and school life.

Tbh, you have no idea whether most people talk about it a lot, because you wouldn't know about the ones who have chosen not to talk about it.

Most people I know have no idea that I have adhd.

I’m pretty sure my sister has ADHD & possibly ASD, as well as anxiety & depression. She has struggled with her mental health her whole life & it’s had a huge impact upon her work, relationships etc.

Things were relatively stable until about 2 years ago & she changed medication - unfortunately since then things have been “unmasked” & she’s nor has a total personality change. She is now combative, rude, reactive & lacking in empathy.

i approach it as if she does have these diagnosis, and make allowances, but in truth it’s really difficult to have a relationship with her.