To not give my address to brother for job application?

[Ellie126]

I was adopted as a baby from birth and only in the last couple years discovered my ‘biological’ sibling who’s 6 years older than me. We’ve met 3 times, all for lunch / dinner. He seemed like a really lovely guy, but fundamentally I don’t KNOW him really. Not like I know my cousins and adoptive family etc etc.

anyway, he text me asking if he could have my name, surname, address, DOB, occupation etc because he’s in the army and I think is applying for an internal job that requires strict vetting.

he put me down as a sister which in hindsight is quite sweet as I don’t think he’s got any family left (for reference he was adopted by our biological grandma) who’s dead. So I guess it makes sense why he selected me since we’ve met.

but I just didn’t feel comfortable giving him my address….. I feel like a bit of a bitch. He did say it would create ‘ road bumps’ but he said he understood. I feel quite bad but I also feel comfortable in my decision in that it’s true I don’t know him THAT well. I’m probably being over cautious but I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry?

But a long lost sister, with no legal link due to adoption, is not a family member the form requires.

This and it's unlikely your bond will grow if you don't.

If you order anything for home delivery you are giving multiple strangers your name and address.

Your DOB isn't exactly a state secret either. In fact, I can buy your birth certificate and a copy of your house records from the Land registry which will tell me details of your mortgage. I could get a copy of your business accounts from companies house.

You're being a bit precious OP.

You are not legally related as you have been adopted. You are not a family member.
Neither are you a close associate as you have only recently met and had minimal contact. Realistically he has probably had more contact with someone at the gym or the pub.

Good point. I wonder if this is the legal position also?

@Ellie126 you've done the right thing! From an insider in the adoption world please be reassured you need to do what is right for you!

legally he has no need to put you down, it may well come from a loving place but it is way too early in your relationship for you to know that!

I am sure now he’s done it a phone no or email address will suffice, if it’s that desperate they will contact you that way & discuss with you directly.

but do check your rights I suspect you won’t have to share details at this stage either!

you have no idea of the realities of his life up until now , protect yourself and don’t let people on this thread convince you you’re being mean.

adoption & biological families are complex and you need to do what is right for you.

there is an adoption topic that you would get more informed opinions from that perspective if you ask for this thread to be moved

If he has nobody else he might have listed you as NOK, or his "sister" if he's planning on transferring his death in service, and life insurance to you.

I'd suspect it's more likely than him rocking up to kill you 😅

From his point of view, if he refers to her as a sister and then doesn’t disclose that relationship, it might look fishy to the vetting people.

As long as you know he definitely is in the army then ask him to give you the recruiters details or tell them to contact you directly about a character reference. He doesn't need your address etc.

He really won’t need to mention someone he has met three times.

No one can buy the OPs birth certificate, including the OP.

It's a blood relation, you'd be surprised.

They aren’t related.

Fair play then. I can't remember as I've not gone back to this post today.

Well when I had to do this for a friend, I just said “as far as I know” before answering. 👍

He is a man you have met 3 times. You don’t know him. You don’t even know him well enough for him to have your address yet.

You’ve said you don’t even know if you want to continue the relationship - if you give him all those details, he knows a lot about you.

Would you give a stranger all those details?

You don’t have to ‘be kind’ you are well within your rights to say no and if he is as lovely as he seems, he will respect that and you can build on your relationship.

She said he was her biological brother

But adopted away. There is no legal link. Adopted people do not need to put their blood family on these forms, because they’re not family. And most don’t have contact, or only have limited contact. It would exclude adopted people from applying for these roles as they’d be unable to name their biological family.

They’ve only had dinner a few times so they aren’t even close associates. These forms want family, partners and maybe very close friends. The OP isn’t part of that list.

Yes you can.

Its not a job application and he has no choice whether to put you down or not. If he didn't it could cause him some issues
Its no skin off your nose and won't cause any issues for you so I don't know why you wouldn't do it

If he’s being vetted he will have to give your address and other details about you. I can’t really see what the problem is. The fact he is in a position to be vetted indicates he is trustworthy.

There is no legal link between them, and they’ve had dinner a few times so aren’t even close friends. The army literally wouldn’t find out about her.

Adoption severed their link. They aren’t family, for the purposes of this form, and they aren’t close friends or acquaintances.

He hasn't selected you specifically. For lots of civil service type jobs families need to be vetted. He can't lie and say he doesn't have a sister - that could lead to dismissal. Just give him your address and move on.

He HAS to list all siblings
DH has been through similar and he had to provide information they asked for, there was no choice and if he hadn't and it had emerged he had a sibling or had missed any other info it would have caused a problem. a lot of vetting is not about what is uncovered that you hav not been honest about (even by accident).
This is not a Job application as per the Thread title

Its not worth him risking it IMO.
The Vettings people can look at it and make the decision but the Vetee can't.
You would be amazed what Vetting can find out, bit scary really