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Original poster

To not give my address to brother for job application?

99 replies

Ellie126 · 19/10/2025 20:00

I was adopted as a baby from birth and only in the last couple years discovered my ‘biological’ sibling who’s 6 years older than me. We’ve met 3 times, all for lunch / dinner. He seemed like a really lovely guy, but fundamentally I don’t KNOW him really. Not like I know my cousins and adoptive family etc etc.

anyway, he text me asking if he could have my name, surname, address, DOB, occupation etc because he’s in the army and I think is applying for an internal job that requires strict vetting.

he put me down as a sister which in hindsight is quite sweet as I don’t think he’s got any family left (for reference he was adopted by our biological grandma) who’s dead. So I guess it makes sense why he selected me since we’ve met.

but I just didn’t feel comfortable giving him my address….. I feel like a bit of a bitch. He did say it would create ‘ road bumps’ but he said he understood. I feel quite bad but I also feel comfortable in my decision in that it’s true I don’t know him THAT well. I’m probably being over cautious but I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry?

OP posts:
FrodoBiggins · 20/10/2025 17:53

Bobiverse · 20/10/2025 17:38

But adopted away. There is no legal link. Adopted people do not need to put their blood family on these forms, because they’re not family. And most don’t have contact, or only have limited contact. It would exclude adopted people from applying for these roles as they’d be unable to name their biological family.

They’ve only had dinner a few times so they aren’t even close associates. These forms want family, partners and maybe very close friends. The OP isn’t part of that list.

Show quote history

Do you have DV clearance?

londongirl12 · 20/10/2025 18:00

He knows you’re his sister, so he has to put your details down. Vetting requires you to put all family down. He knows you. If someone happened and he didn’t declare he knew you but then they find out he did, he could lose his job. That’s how vetting works, you have to put down all family, and you are a biological sister.

Bobiverse · 20/10/2025 18:00

Hoppinggreen · 20/10/2025 17:46

Its not worth him risking it IMO.
The Vettings people can look at it and make the decision but the Vetee can't.
You would be amazed what Vetting can find out, bit scary really

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They don’t get access to adoption records. Adopted people are not excluded from applying for these jobs, and they do not need to provide information about a family which is no longer their family.

I’ve been through vetting. I know this.

EBearhug · 20/10/2025 18:03

He can list her and just put her phone number and explain they don't really know each other and she won't give her address.

I put down my sister's address but explained we are not close, and I don't actually know if she currently has a partner or lodger. It was fine. I assume the Vetting service knows, but I still don't.

Before I went through it, everyone told me it's okay as long as you don't hide anything or lie, even a criminal record. If he gives all the info he has, they will either ask him to ask you or will contact you themselves, if they want to know and don't already.

Peridoteage · 20/10/2025 18:03

He probably doesn't have a choice. If he has a phone number or email address for you, he can pass that to the team doing security checks and they can take it from there.

Simonjt · 20/10/2025 18:36

Chiseltip · 20/10/2025 17:39

Yes you can.

Show quote history

No you can’t, she’s adopted.

Simonjt · 20/10/2025 18:36

Hoppinggreen · 20/10/2025 17:44

He HAS to list all siblings
DH has been through similar and he had to provide information they asked for, there was no choice and if he hadn't and it had emerged he had a sibling or had missed any other info it would have caused a problem. a lot of vetting is not about what is uncovered that you hav not been honest about (even by accident).
This is not a Job application as per the Thread title

Show quote history

She isn’t his sibling.

Simonjt · 20/10/2025 18:37

londongirl12 · 20/10/2025 18:00

He knows you’re his sister, so he has to put your details down. Vetting requires you to put all family down. He knows you. If someone happened and he didn’t declare he knew you but then they find out he did, he could lose his job. That’s how vetting works, you have to put down all family, and you are a biological sister.

Edited

They are not family, do you not understand what adoption is?

ChillBarrog · 20/10/2025 18:38

Ellie126 · 20/10/2025 12:10

I’ve met him 3 times so maybe a total of seeing him for 6 hours. He said he couldn’t give me any further info than a job he’s applying to. I guess I was a tad taken aback he selected me given we don’t know each other THAT well. No security concerns other than you see in the news all the time estranged brothers / family members murdering people and no I’m not particularly sure I want to keep up the relationship, for no reason other than I don’t feel the need to be in touch with biological relatives when I have a perfectly good family. I guess we met up to provide closure

Yes I know extremely dramatic and over cautious but we’ve had two incredibly different upbringings (no he doesn’t seem violent) but I just don’t know him well enough to provide my address, brother or no brother. No security concerns other than being a woman (that does live with her husband) but at home a lot alone when I wfh.

Show quote history

He hasn't selected you. It's for vetting, he has to give details of his family members for security purposes

Simonjt · 20/10/2025 18:43

ChillBarrog · 20/10/2025 18:38

He hasn't selected you. It's for vetting, he has to give details of his family members for security purposes

Show quote history

She is not a family member.

ChillBarrog · 20/10/2025 18:45

Simonjt · 20/10/2025 18:43

She is not a family member.

Show quote history

Well, she is, as he has declared she is his sister. Which she is. Adoption severs legal ties but not biological ones.

Original poster
Ellie126 · 20/10/2025 18:46

Thanks so much all for your replies. I admit I’m probably being too cautious but as someone said - I wouldn’t give these details to a stranger and despite meeting 3 times, he still feels more of a stranger to me. yes I do wonder who he would put down if he had never met me (he’s already in the army) so assume he’s done this process before but as someone said although blood related, I don’t consider him as family and I suppose legally we aren’t either.

I have provided him my number (which he already has) and email and so hopefully HR or whoever can contact me if they need to confirm my identity :)

OP posts:
Simonjt · 20/10/2025 18:49

ChillBarrog · 20/10/2025 18:45

Well, she is, as he has declared she is his sister. Which she is. Adoption severs legal ties but not biological ones.

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Severs legal ties, so she isn’t his sister, so would not be part of the vetting process. Lots of us have an aunt, uncle etc who legally isn’t that person, its no different to that.

Seahorsesplendour · 20/10/2025 18:51

@Ellie126 I hope you don’t mind I’ve posted a link to this on the adoption board to try and get you some more informed responses .

you really have done the right thing and I hope you hold firm 💐

YYURYYUCICYYUR4ME · 20/10/2025 19:13

If for defence vetting, it might be required. Just ask for clarification as to what the vetting is, as different to a reference.

SummerEve · 20/10/2025 19:58

Bobiverse · 20/10/2025 14:54

In the eyes of the law, you’re not his sister. And you’ve only known each other as adults.

He can’t put you down as his sister. He needed to say no family. Because, legally, that’s the truth. He could have asked them for guidance on it, and maybe they’ve have enforced it due to the biological link and the fact that you’re in contact, but what does he think all the other adopted people do? Because they’re not all in contact with biological family and some won’t even know.

They don’t need to vet you. He put himself in this situation.

What? Seriously?

BoudiccaRuled · 20/10/2025 20:04

He hasn't selected you, he has to declare all his known relatives. Name of town is fine - he can state that he barely knows you and give them more of an explanation in the follow up interview.

Hoppinggreen · 20/10/2025 20:08

Simonjt · 20/10/2025 18:43

She is not a family member.

Show quote history

I know you have adoption experience but do you know much about Vetting?

namechangeaaargh · 20/10/2025 20:43

If it's developed vetting or something similar (other levels are less stringent) then if there's a sibling you're in touch with you do have to put them down. For DV they want to know whether there's anything you could be pressured or blackmailed about. If for example an adopted sibling is back in your life and has money problems they might put pressure on you to lend them money and that might put pressure on you to leak or sell secrets or do something you shouldn't.

Downtrod · 20/10/2025 20:59

He may have been asked to name a next of kin especially if he has no one else.

Mumofteenandtween · 20/10/2025 21:15

Relevant link. https://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-files/Guardian/documents/2011/07/21/DVform_NSV002.pdf

Page 8 makes it obvious that birth parents matter.

Page 13 talks about siblings. It is not completely clear whether a biological sibling counts although it does ask for all brothers and sisters so I wouldn’t want to bet my career on them not. (Which is what the Op’s brother would be doing.)

https://image.guardian.co.uk/sys-files/Guardian/documents/2011/07/21/DVform_NSV002.pdf

Zanatdy · 20/10/2025 21:33

If for a vetting I do think it’s a bit mean not to provide your address. He must feel hurt that you’re wary that he might do something terrible. I guess he’s going to have to advise he has a sister, but she has declined to give her details. Perhaps they can provide a number so you can provide your details direct to them.

WatchingTheDetective · 20/10/2025 23:20

I wonder if he is writing his will.

Are you worried that he will just turn up there?

Poppyseeds79 · 20/10/2025 23:36

WatchingTheDetective · 20/10/2025 23:20

I wonder if he is writing his will.

Are you worried that he will just turn up there?

To be honest this is what I previously thought/posted along the lines of. I'm both adopted, and my sibling (non bio adopted) was in the army for several years. He was strongly advised to have a named person for life insurance & death in service. If he's got no other family he might be wanting to name OP, as it'd be a sizeable chunk of unclaimed money if not.

I'm not saying it's the case, but it'd make a lot of sense that he wouldn't want to inform OP of it in case it changed the new relationship between them, or in case his situation changes further down the line in regards to a partner/child coming along.

EBearhug · 20/10/2025 23:49

It's for Vetting. They want to know everything. If you go through it, they end up knowing more about you than you do yourself.