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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To not give my address to brother for job application?

99 replies

Ellie126 · 19/10/2025 20:00

I was adopted as a baby from birth and only in the last couple years discovered my ‘biological’ sibling who’s 6 years older than me. We’ve met 3 times, all for lunch / dinner. He seemed like a really lovely guy, but fundamentally I don’t KNOW him really. Not like I know my cousins and adoptive family etc etc.

anyway, he text me asking if he could have my name, surname, address, DOB, occupation etc because he’s in the army and I think is applying for an internal job that requires strict vetting.

he put me down as a sister which in hindsight is quite sweet as I don’t think he’s got any family left (for reference he was adopted by our biological grandma) who’s dead. So I guess it makes sense why he selected me since we’ve met.

but I just didn’t feel comfortable giving him my address….. I feel like a bit of a bitch. He did say it would create ‘ road bumps’ but he said he understood. I feel quite bad but I also feel comfortable in my decision in that it’s true I don’t know him THAT well. I’m probably being over cautious but I guess it’s better to be safe than sorry?

OP posts:
Poppyseeds79 · 20/10/2025 23:57

EBearhug · 20/10/2025 23:49

It's for Vetting. They want to know everything. If you go through it, they end up knowing more about you than you do yourself.

Is it for vetting though? They're not legally related. They might as well be "my neighbour I've chatted with 3x this year"... I still feel it's more about getting their financial ducks in a row in case something happens to them.

If he's taking a big step up security wise they're still not really going to give a shit about someone he's not related to by law?

EBearhug · 21/10/2025 00:17

Poppyseeds79 · 20/10/2025 23:57

Is it for vetting though? They're not legally related. They might as well be "my neighbour I've chatted with 3x this year"... I still feel it's more about getting their financial ducks in a row in case something happens to them.

If he's taking a big step up security wise they're still not really going to give a shit about someone he's not related to by law?

They want to know about all important relationships, whether family or not.

AutumnCosy2025 · 21/10/2025 00:31

Vetting for some positions is seriously intense.

its not a matter of 'choosing you' for a reference, its a matter of honestly answering eleventy million fucking stupid, intrusive questions.

my friends partner has just been through this, they're not married yet he had to disclose all manner of financial & family things related to her & a LOT of things about his (dead) mothers husband (married in later life, so not really anything to do with my friends DP, and also now dead). It was utterly ridiculous. A fair bit of back & forth with him ready to chuck in the towel because he couldn't answer what he didn't know!!

I also think you're being a bit weird about not giving your biological (even if not legal) brother your details. Whether it's for this or a a Christmas Csrd.

Bobiverse · 21/10/2025 00:35

SummerEve · 20/10/2025 19:58

What? Seriously?

What? She is not his sister and is literally a stranger he has had dinner with 3 times.

Poppyseeds79 · 21/10/2025 00:54

EBearhug · 21/10/2025 00:17

They want to know about all important relationships, whether family or not.

But surely there needs to be a limit? I'm bio the eldest of 6 younger half siblings. I could tell you details for the 1 bio half sibling I have had contact with post 15yrs ago when I traced my bio family. If they asked me about the other 5 bio half siblings post my adoption? I'd be absolutely fucked! 😅 I know 2 peoples first names borderline, and the rest I have no clue!

OP said they've met 3 times, and only made contact recently. I seriously doubt they would expect info I couldn't even supply when I was pregnant with daughter to the GP?... "No, I'm sorry I'm adopted so I don't know". Would suffice in any conversation?

Not "I'm adopted so I don't know", and then they say well you need to contact SS & get your pre adopted family history, and whoever you've been related to since 1822 🤔

Blanduser517481514 · 21/10/2025 01:08

It isn’t sweet, it is required.

for certain jobs we give up our privacy and sometimes a bit of freedom. Periodically I have to renew and list my best information about every my family and even old, distant acquaintances. I have to update them on my ex-h from over 20 years ago. Thankfully he is nice and always provides me with his information.

none of it goes through HR or his manager. It will all be handled securely and confidentially by the agency assigned to do his investigation.

you really don’t need to worry. Provide whatever level of information you desire. He can submit an incomplete form, but don’t be difficult just to be difficult.

TeaAndTattoos · 21/10/2025 02:06

YANBU you don’t have to give any information that your not comfortable with sharing with a virtual stranger brother or not.

Poppyseeds79 · 21/10/2025 02:42

TeaAndTattoos · 21/10/2025 02:06

YANBU you don’t have to give any information that your not comfortable with sharing with a virtual stranger brother or not.

Seriously though. Do you think alongside OP that he might want to kill her? Or just maybe he needs info to pass along?

Those two scenarios are obviously a million miles apart? Maybe OP should just you know message him and say, what do they require this for? & I'm not very comfortable in sharing it.

Vs seeming to think he's going to burst through her front window like the man from Milk Tray gone wrong, and stab her and her family to death because they've met up in Spoons three times 🙄

ARichtGoodDram · 21/10/2025 08:38

If you don't feel comfortable giving a man your address then don't.

If you'd had three dates with a guy and he asked for your address for security getting nobody would be remotely surprised if you said no. That you've met your brother three times isn't any really any different - you don't know him, you've no idea of the relationship you'll have going forward and you're perfectly entitled to keep yourself feeling safe and comfortable.

Vetting can be done with minimal details. Yes, it makes it more difficult, but it's not remotely impossible. He'll be fine just putting your name and DOB on the form.

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2025 09:15

He will not have a choice, if Vetting asks for something you provide it OR be able to give a good reason why not.
If you do not provide what has been asked for you fail, its that simple.

CuddlesKovinsky · 21/10/2025 09:22

Do you know him well enough to know for certain that he's in the army? I understand your caution - a lot of scammers choose the forces as their 'occupation' so they can explain away odd absences and requirements...

Of course, I hope that all is above board and that you go on to have a rewarding relationship. But it's always wise to be careful, especially on such early acquaintance.

JDM625 · 21/10/2025 10:06

I'm with you OP and would feel the same about a man I'd only met 3x. Some of the replies here are bonkers. You've done the right thing to be cautious.

Just because he has no/limited other family is not YOUR problem.

Last year I posted about DH's cousin coming to stay. His aunt and cousins all live abroad and the multiple times we've been to the see them, this particular cousin had moved out and lived hours away. We are very close to the aunt and siblings, but MN people were aghast that we had a 'strange woman' staying in our house!

Update if you hear any more about it.

saraclara · 21/10/2025 10:30

Simonjt · 20/10/2025 16:08

No one can buy the OPs birth certificate, including the OP.

Oh course they can! People researching their family tree do so, and when I couldn't find my original birth certificate I paid for a copy

Order a birth, death, marriage or civil partnership certificate - GOV.UK https://share.google/nvTTKJg5Slp8i53NA

PrincessNannie · 21/10/2025 11:15

I think he must be being security checked for a new role. Higher levels of security vetting demand so much info so even if you have only met him 3 times he knows you are biologically siblings so has to put you down on the form. I was security vetted to a high level and I had to put down my husbands ex wife (we had been married for 10 years) and all sorts of what I considered random people e.g. my step daughters boyfriend. Most of them were never contacted but a behind the scenes check would have been made.
If they have your mobile number if they need to they will probably just call you. He will never be told any information you divulge.

Simonjt · 21/10/2025 12:10

saraclara · 21/10/2025 10:30

Oh course they can! People researching their family tree do so, and when I couldn't find my original birth certificate I paid for a copy

Order a birth, death, marriage or civil partnership certificate - GOV.UK https://share.google/nvTTKJg5Slp8i53NA

Edited

She is adopted, her birth certificate cannot be purchased.

saraclara · 21/10/2025 13:13

Simonjt · 21/10/2025 12:10

She is adopted, her birth certificate cannot be purchased.

Ah. I forgot the adoption element.
As you were.

BauhausOfEliott · 21/10/2025 13:57

He said he couldn’t give me any further info than a job he’s applying to. I guess I was a tad taken aback he selected me given we don’t know each other THAT well

You said in your post that you thought it was 'quite sweet' that he'd put you on his vetting form, but it sounds very much to me that he had to include you on his because of the nature of the job he's applying for - it doesn't sound as if he's done this out of choice.

If the job is one he isn't allowed to tell you about, it will be one with the absolute strictest possible vetting procedures and he's probably legally obliged to disclose details of all close relatives whose existence he is aware of.

Obviously it's up to you if you don't want to give him your address, but I don't think he's done this for the sake of it; I think it was probably required, even though you barely know each other. Sounds like the HR people just calling you to get more details from you directly is a good solution, anyway :)

Andthatrightsoon · 21/10/2025 14:19

Blimey. My husband was applying for something Forces related and needed the details of absolutely bloody everyone in the family. Think 'wife's brother's wife's sister' level! YABU.

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/10/2025 15:14

BauhausOfEliott · 21/10/2025 13:57

He said he couldn’t give me any further info than a job he’s applying to. I guess I was a tad taken aback he selected me given we don’t know each other THAT well

You said in your post that you thought it was 'quite sweet' that he'd put you on his vetting form, but it sounds very much to me that he had to include you on his because of the nature of the job he's applying for - it doesn't sound as if he's done this out of choice.

If the job is one he isn't allowed to tell you about, it will be one with the absolute strictest possible vetting procedures and he's probably legally obliged to disclose details of all close relatives whose existence he is aware of.

Obviously it's up to you if you don't want to give him your address, but I don't think he's done this for the sake of it; I think it was probably required, even though you barely know each other. Sounds like the HR people just calling you to get more details from you directly is a good solution, anyway :)

If it’s a job with such a high level of security vetting they’ll be able to get the information they need with or without @Ellie126 providing her address. She has no obligation whatsoever to provide her personal information to anyone she doesn’t want to, and she can decide not to for any reason whatsoever.

Being biologically related doesn’t mean there’s any obligation on the OPs part, this isn’t someone she has a relationship with - if it causes issues with his job, then so be it.

ARichtGoodDram · 21/10/2025 16:20

Hoppinggreen · 21/10/2025 09:15

He will not have a choice, if Vetting asks for something you provide it OR be able to give a good reason why not.
If you do not provide what has been asked for you fail, its that simple.

He has no legal link to the OP so it's very likely he shouldn't actually have named her as his sister on the form as she's not (legally).

Staying on his form that he has briefly met his sister who was adopted, but she isn't prepared to give him lots of information won't fail him.

The army will have dealt with this many, many times and will have their processes to find the information they need.

Bundleflower · 21/10/2025 16:45

IamnotSethRogan · 20/10/2025 14:51

I imagine he put you because it would look like he was being deceptive if they found out he had a sister he met but didn't indicate this.

I do think you're being a bit over the top, sorry!

This 100%.

BauhausOfEliott · 21/10/2025 17:01

Jellycatspyjamas · 21/10/2025 15:14

If it’s a job with such a high level of security vetting they’ll be able to get the information they need with or without @Ellie126 providing her address. She has no obligation whatsoever to provide her personal information to anyone she doesn’t want to, and she can decide not to for any reason whatsoever.

Being biologically related doesn’t mean there’s any obligation on the OPs part, this isn’t someone she has a relationship with - if it causes issues with his job, then so be it.

I didn't say @Ellie126 had any obligation to provide information - I said that her brother was probably obliged to disclose that he has a sister. In the OP's first post, she was describing it as if he'd disclosed the sibling relationship on his application form out of choice, and my point was simply that the disclosure of her existence would likely have been requirement, rather than a choice.

Whether she, as the sister in question, wants to give him (or the employer) her address is of course up to her - I'm not disputing that she has the right to refuse to give further details.

Torvy · 23/10/2025 06:02

I think OP is right to be cautious. Once given, this information can't be taken back, and things can easily spiral. Even if brother is all chill and good, if it is shared or becomes known by others them the situation can potentially become heightened. Knowing in your own mind that you have a safe place to retreat to is important to your own mental health and wellbeing, and it's good to establish boundaries. Of course, if he was determined enough to covertly follow you home, riffle through your handbag for evidence of a address or stalk your Tesco driver, he could find it out, but moving on the assumption that he is probably just a regular guy, I'm reassuring you that it is perfectly normal to not give this information out at this stage, biological connection or not. It's not about physical safety per se, but also about the mental and emotional safety of knowing that you aren't just opening up your life to someone that you don't really know yet. You might have things that you feel protective over, or just feel you want to go slowly, and that is fine. There is no need to be railroaded into something that can't be taken back.

You have so many things to consider that people who aren't part of adoption might not really know about- how will this impact on any other siblings (bio or adopted) what precedent is being set, what is it like to feel some way obligated to someone you are connected to but don't really know, what complex family dynamics of jealousy, resentment, excitement, frustration are all present in the simple act of giving this information. It's widely accepted that children who are adopted are not frequently in contact with biological parents, which includes not sharing their new address with bio parents. This is often the case even when there is direct contact, so I can understand why this is possibly a very meaningful thing to give. To me, it's almost symbolic, and it's absolutely ok if you don't feel like you are there after so few meetings. If you were in a romantic relationship, nobody would think twice about you waiting to share certain things before certain milestones were met.

With adoption, there is no legal link between siblings post adoption order, and so I suspect technically no obligation to declare for a lower level vetting position. However, if he is fastidious enough to declare everything on his form (which is probably a good idea for him vetting wise), he can only declare what he knows. It also highlights that he has a certain family relationship going in that is potentially going to cause people to be judgemental of him and wade in with many, many opinions and a lack of understanding of the nuanced, complex realities of adoption (see many of the posts above!). If the position is a sensitive one, I would hazard that this might be a theme they want to pursue in terms of interviews, and check that he is able to cope with this appropriately. People can be dicks.... or at least very uninformed. I suspect if it is an open fact that he is adopted/was in kinship care, he will have had to have developed strategies to explain and cope, which might be challenged by a newly forming relationship with a biological sibling-not a bar necessarily, but probably to be aware of. He can just write down that she refused.

Having a biological but adopted sister who won't give her address is hardly a deal breaker though. Plenty of people have family who are far worse are in much higher positions of power. I'm sure plenty of men have had to declare mistresses and criminal acquaintances and "business partners" and illegitimate children that are far more scandalous than simply having an adopted sister who won't give her address yet. Nobody's family is squeaky clean... And I suspect if they are, you might be a bit of a boring person who hasn't had the life challenges to make you truly interesting enough to get some of the reaaaallly good jobs 😂

And as one PP said, to be honest, if it's at a level where it matters that much, they probably already know. Yes, adoption records are sealed. Call me a conspiracy theorist, but I suspect if you are going into MI5, they might have a cheeky gander just in case, you know? So its either high enough that they know and want to see if he is honest (which he is being) or not high enough and it won't matter because they only want to know legally speaking.

OP, my strong suggestion is that you keep your personal details private until such a time as you feel safe and confident, wish him luck with the process and proceed as you originally planned. If he doesn't get the job there's a myriad of reasons why, none of which are your fault. If he does, then good for him. His job is actually not your responsibility. You are well within your rights (both legally and emotionally) to give or not give whatever details you wish and feel comfortable with, or not.

I would consider how you couched the refusal, depending on what you want the relationship to be moving forward, but don't feel bad about it at all. If the recruitment people call and ask, just be honest, but do be aware of scams. I don't know how you could verify that it was actually a recruiter, not just a mate of his though, but that is just my suspicious mind 🤣

Take it slowly and steadily, at a pace you feel ok with.

Cheekychop · 23/10/2025 08:31

Hi Ellie,

I have not read the whole thread but you absolutely have done the right thing. You are not legally related to this person and therefore not his "family" in any legal sense. When you where adopted the court ended your biological (birth) parents rights and responsibilities towards you. You where then given a new birth certificate with your adoptive parents names on - they are your next of kin and where given parental responsibility for you. You therefore have no legal ties to your biological brother. It would be exactly the same as a stranger asking you for your details - and that is exactly what he is. I doubt the people on this thread telling you that you should give him those details would give their own details to a complete stranger. As you have no legal ties to this man no establishment institution will ask you to vet him .
Mumsnet does have an adoption board - it's hidden - but perhaps ask for this thread to be moved there.

Best wishes xx

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