Fed up of ‘sexual’ dynamic between DP and my friend

[Georgiamayy]

One of my friends is very sex positive and not at all backwards when it comes to discussing things.

There have been countless examples where she has been drinking around DP and I’ve found the conversation a tad inappropriate. DP isn’t someone who I’d describe as overly forthcoming usually but around her he happily talks about sexual things.

I feel like last night crossed a line though. We were out as part of a wider group and my friend drunkenly blurted out how I should give ‘X’ a go. X being a sexual act which I’ve previously told DP I’m not interested in. She was really persistent about it, and when I spoke to DP he admitted they’d had a conversation and it had come up.

Im not sure who I should be more annoyed with, and if I just need to lay down the law now?

I'd be wary. Why is he bringing up your sexual conversations? Agree with this comment. She's no friend.

I actually think what’s going on here isn’t really about “sex-positivity” at all — it’s about power.

Your friend has used “openness” as a way to embarrass you and centre herself. By bringing up a sex act you’ve said you’re not into, in front of your DP, she’s not being liberated—she’s being dominant. She’s showing off that she knows private details about your sex life, and then using that knowledge to make you the prudish one. It’s a humiliation play disguised as banter.

And your DP joining in with sexual chat about things you don’t want to do, with your friend — is also crossing a line. It’s a quiet betrayal of confidence, and it puts him on “her team” rather than yours.

What’s dressed up here as “sex-positivity” is actually a kind of social hierarchy. She gets to be the worldly, enlightened one; you get cast as the repressed one. He gets to look cool for engaging in it. It’s the same old dynamic, just wrapped in modern language.

So no, you’re not being unreasonable. You’re spotting a power play that’s hiding under a progressive label. You’d be well within your rights to have a calm but firm conversation with both of them about boundaries, and about not making your private life into public entertainment.

I’m a bisexual woman and generally pretty relaxed about sexual talk, but this isn’t that.

I knew it would be that!

i could throw multiple psychological guesses here… she secretly thinks you’re a bit of a mouse and she enjoys playing hopscotch with the boundary line that would be the norm to most… rinse and repeat the same attitude but it’s how she perceives him… she fancies u and wants to give u the ick from him and swoop in somehow… she enjoys the power she holds over ur dh and it may well be a psychological thrill for her to dominate him mentally and she’s translating that into delusional intrusion, maybe it’s a fantasy for her to do something so taboo when it comes to her usual sexuality. Maybe she’s heard he’s online looking for hookups of that nature and she thinks she’s helping prevent straying. Any and all of the above are not ok for both of u though and would be resolved a lot better by shocking her big mouth into silence and tell her to shut the fuck up.

I think she fancies him.She could be Bi .Its inappropriate to make sexual remarks and talk about your sex life which is private between the two of you .They both sound shaky TBH. You deserve better .Look for a new BF and "friend"

I would be so cross about this from both of them, really unacceptable and embarrassing.

Tell him if he talks about your sex life with anyone else in future he will not be having sex with you or in the foreseeable future.

Last that law down with both of them. Tell your friend to be as sex positive when anyone she likes but not your partner. Tell your partner the same. But..., what will you do if they ignore you?

Woman like this are looking to have sex with your husband. Been there. One girl told me in front on my husband that she liked her pulled and to be spanked. Another bitch who I thought was my best friend at one time told us both how she had monkey sex with her husband. This is to put thoughts in your husband mind. She’s not your friend. It might be too late but lose her fast even if it is. She’s garbage

It doesn’t. It’s just that most of Mumsnet seems to use the term wrongly. It doesn’t mean what the OP seems to think it does.

If people were enjoying having wild great sex with multiple people, they'd be off doing it rather than drunkenly haranguing "friends" about the mechanics of pegging. She wouldn't be my friend any more and I'd be getting a bit of ick about dp too - first of all because I personally don't like the idea of pegging and it doesnt sound like you do either, I'd like it even less if he nagged about it and I would seriously dislike the fact that he told your friend.