Fed up of ‘sexual’ dynamic between DP and my friend

[Georgiamayy]

One of my friends is very sex positive and not at all backwards when it comes to discussing things.

There have been countless examples where she has been drinking around DP and I’ve found the conversation a tad inappropriate. DP isn’t someone who I’d describe as overly forthcoming usually but around her he happily talks about sexual things.

I feel like last night crossed a line though. We were out as part of a wider group and my friend drunkenly blurted out how I should give ‘X’ a go. X being a sexual act which I’ve previously told DP I’m not interested in. She was really persistent about it, and when I spoke to DP he admitted they’d had a conversation and it had come up.

Im not sure who I should be more annoyed with, and if I just need to lay down the law now?

'Sex positive' doesn't mean making your friend feel awkward or trying to make them do something they don't want to. That's the opposite of sex positive.

She might be open about sex but she certainly isn't positive.

All so seedy and childish and just… gross

to think they’re in their mid thirties is depressing

to think they might have children is terrifying

Forget about them, they both sound awful.
What is going on with YOU that you would tolerate this?
Do you really think this is normal behaviour?
Do you actually still find him attractive?
The mind boggles at what some women will accept.

I used to work with someone who wouldn't shut up about anal sex (and how much she liked it). I think she thought it would make her really popular with the blokes in the office. This was the late 90s, and anyone around that time will remember the Ladette culture where a lot of women felt they have to compete with men, even in being crass and vulgar.

In my experience, sex positive gay men and sex positive lesbians both have something in common - they're massively into men

Nailed it!

Oh god yes the laddettes, they are now doing podcasts about sex during menopause still trying to be "edgy"

If the thing he wants to try that you don't is a threesome, that would explain a lot, and I wouldn't trust either of them an inch.

In fact I'd dump the pair of them right now, anyway.

There all sorts of reasons why people “make friends”. It’s not always to be friendly. Even if they like you.

Sometimes it’s because they enjoy comparing themself favourable to you. Sometimes because it’s because they like getting under your skin.
Many reasons, all at once.

I tend to downgrade the Not “That Well Hidden Agenda Burdened” friends to acquaintance. And gently, gradually ghost them out of my earshot.

Took me a long, long time to work out that it wasn’t me being paranoid that not all my friends seemed agenda-free , and I was allowed to have boundaries, where I wanted them, for my own reasons, that did not require justification to anybody else.

Doesn’t have to be a big hoo-her. Actually based on one of my own experiences the hoo-hear seemed to be the entire end goal. It can be done quietly, slowly, with an eye on not rising to any stray bait slung your way as the slow walk away takes place.

How would she know? If she’s gay then I presume she doesn’t routinely peg men. I’d rather divorce my husband than peg him.

Just really inappropriate on both counts. DP for discussing it and then her for saying you should.
You should do what makes you feel good and comfortable and no one should be pressurising you.
Not a friend

If she was a man she wouldn’t be ‘sex positive’, she’d be a pervy creep. She is a pervy creep. She can do what she wants with her own sex life but when she’s butting into others that’s crossing the line.

She sounds like a foul mouthed slag, real scum class. I'd tell her that to her face being drunk is not an excuse.
I do not have a problem upsetting some people but I doubt she'd give a toss anymore than I would saying it.

If "sex positive" means a loud mouthed, crass bitch then it's a good description for her. She's humiliating you in front of your face. Is she jealous of your relationship with your DP and trying to destabilise it? Is she bisexual and maybe would like to shag him? Would she like to shag you? Either way, she is not your friend.

Exactly this ,if she was sex positive she wouldn’t be pestering you to do something you are not interested in .

Classic case of what you allow will continue.
Lines have been crossed which should have been drawn a long time ago.
I have never been in this situation so difficult for me to give practical advice but this 'friend' would be totally binned.
As for your partner he wants something you can't provide (no judgement for not doing so) however will his courosity (or sex drive) get the better of him?

You need to bin her and read him the riot act and follow through. Private stuff being betrayed is utterly wrong and he needs to know it. Be harsh.

The next time this happens (though I hope it doesnt), quite clearly and loudly state "Please can you stop sexually harassing/intimidating me".

Because that's exactly what's happening. Thats no friend and your husband is awful too, I wouldn't let that go at all. Completely wrong.

She’s trying to appear like she’s someone that does it all and you dont so she becomes appealing and attractive to your man. I’d never mix the two together again or be her friend

You have a DP problem.

If a man did this, or one of your husbands friends did this, you might not be so nice about it.

honestly i don't know how people judge their friends these days
(thinking of post earlier today about a couple supposedly friends met on hol but end up sponging off them)
she is obvs looking for a shag
as others have said
get out of her company!!

😂 Julia Davis in Nighty Night as Jill:
'Did she take it up the rear then?....Cos you know, I would take it up the rear till I am blue in the face given half the chance!'

Nighty Night was such a funny series. It would never be on the TV today.

“Sex positivity” doesn’t include pressuring your friend to engage in a sexual act that they aren’t interested in. I’d tell her to shut her mouth and keep the fuck away from my sex life. Make it clear that it is not up for discussion with her.

I’d also tell my DH to be more discreet about our sex life.

Well, you obviously like her as she's your friend, but I'd be so annoyed by this that I'd be done with the friendship. She's crossing lines and ought to know better. Being 'sex positive' is one thing, but some boundaries exist for very good reasons. Talking to your friend's partner about sex when you're not around isn't acceptable. Neither is trying to involve yourself in your friend's sex life without specific request.

ETA: And your partner is a creep for having these conversations, too. Instant ick.