Fed up of ‘sexual’ dynamic between DP and my friend

[Georgiamayy]

One of my friends is very sex positive and not at all backwards when it comes to discussing things.

There have been countless examples where she has been drinking around DP and I’ve found the conversation a tad inappropriate. DP isn’t someone who I’d describe as overly forthcoming usually but around her he happily talks about sexual things.

I feel like last night crossed a line though. We were out as part of a wider group and my friend drunkenly blurted out how I should give ‘X’ a go. X being a sexual act which I’ve previously told DP I’m not interested in. She was really persistent about it, and when I spoke to DP he admitted they’d had a conversation and it had come up.

Im not sure who I should be more annoyed with, and if I just need to lay down the law now?

We had a friend who was a lesbian and she was talking to DH about her boobs and being inappropriate around it.

I wasn't happy, but they were like, well im a lesbian and not into guys so it's OK to joke sexually like this together, it's just banter.

But it's not, it's a line crossed and I said how would he feel if I was discussing penis sizes with a mate of his or showing my boobs off.

He did shut it down from then on

She is not your friend. Just drop her. It doesn’t sound like your DP is particularly keen on her either if he says he finds her intimidating. She sounds over bearing at best, a bully at worst. Just drop her. Life’s too short.

Just tell her to wind her neck in.She prob thinks she sounds really cool,but she’s an attention seeker.

I had a lesbian friend like this. I still was upset as she was hugging my boyfriend for a long time. I had to be honest with her and tell her I wasn’t comfortable with the dynamic. She may encounter people that aren’t aware she is a lesbian and get a massive shock when somebody isn’t comfortable.

Inappropriate on both sides. Nothing wrong with just saying so politely.

How would your partner feel if you did the same with a friend of his.

For most people this kind of boundary can be seen from space. Weird to be so inappropriate and not even realise it.

This kind of behaviour is a great test to use to distinguish who you should have in your life. Your partner might be forgiven as it’s hard to know if the friend is driving this behavior and he’s uncertain how to curb it.

But if a gf of mine started talking explicitly about sex I would expect my dh to be immediately swerving the conversation away and it making it comfortable for everyone.

There is a vast group of people who Can’t
Handle Their Alcohol and no one will tell them as they are what, too embarrassed?

I know my SIL is a shocking drunk, and she knows it, but it doesn’t stop her.

Dear friend
Mind your own fucking business.

Dear boyfriend
Never going to happen, (pegging).
Stop telling our private business to randoms.

It just sounds like she is getting off on it tbh,just because she isn't into men in general doesn't mean she doesn't get a thrill.out of talking the way she does, your boyfriend might think she is safe because she is a lesbian. It is so out of line.

She is not your friend.
She tried to make you look stupid, in front of other friends, for having sexual boundaries.
There would be no place in my life for her anymore.

Gross.

I agree with a PP. She is a shit stirrer and a sex pest.

Oh yeah- and an attention-seeker as pp said

I'd go batshit at DP for discussing private things. And I'd lose contact with her. Probably not before telling her what I think. She;ll label you as a prude but I doubt other people have failed to notice her behaviour.

Basically she’s manipulated a conversation to let your husband know that the sex act you don’t wish to participate in, she is up for!

He has told her you don’t want to participate in this sex act which is extremely unchivalrous and a betrayal of your private life.

It doesn’t look good if he happily chats about intimate sex acts with her.

He is either fantasising about her or will at her encouragement, try out this sex act with her.

My husband would shut down immediately any kind of talk about our bedroom life or sex in general with another woman because it’s crossing a line.

Sounds fair, but also sounds like a walk in the park compared to your longtime friend telling you to peg your husband.

Yes true, but the advice should be similar. State firm boundaries and if they aren’t respected after that, break contact with the friend. Possibly even reconsider things with your partner.

I would be beyond furious with both of them but especially her. I'd be very clear with OH that I was uncomfortable with them discussing our personal life and expect him to not do it again ever and the same with her but much more stridently. Frankly I wouldn't want someone like her in my life.

And has no idea of how to behave.

Bin her, OP!

He still thinks he is in with a chance with her.

Is he fuck intimidated by her. He was open to an offer. A lot of 'Mistresses' don't see the BDSM acts, as sexual, it doesn't matter on the sexuality of the giver. No man discusses getting shagged up the arse, to someone who intimidates them. You drop her asap. You tell him straight, he's crossed a boundary. They have both been getting off on it.

I don't think she is "Sex Positive". I think she's just inappropriate, tbh.
Who the hell has conversations like that with other people's partners.

Also, your dp should have also shut it down too. All he had to say was that he isn't willing to discuss his sex life - on the grounds that it is none of her business.

Let her be "sex positive" with her own partner.

It's not about you knowing 'he'll never go there' though is it?!! It's about him thinking just because she's a lesbian, it makes it OK for him to discuss your sex life! It's him not understanding that he's over-stepped a boundary. It's about her pressurising you, and thinking it's OK to do so. Ask him how he would feel if you were discussing your sex life with a gay (or straight) friend of his? Would he think that's perfectly OK, because the friend is gay and you 'wouldn't go there'???!! I bet he'd soon have a different opinion. If she's forthright and intimidating, then he needs to grow a pair, and stand up for himself. He doesn't have or need to engage in these conversations with her.

People like this are completely tedious. They think they are so cool or edgy for talking openly about this stuff when the rest of us find it completely inappropriate or cringey.

I bet she thinks “sex work is work” or that porn is ok too.

Tell her to fucking stop it, tell your DP to keep his trap shut about your private life or it’s over.

How old are you? How frequently do you all go drinking together?

It's a weird phemonenon but I've come across lesbian 'pick me's before too. I don't pretend to know why but, conciously or not, she's trying to position herself as the Cool Girl with your DH for some reason.

I know there will be nuances to your relationship with her, but I think it's time to be quite seriously direct with her if this ever comes up again. I'd suggest: a) this is absolutely none of her business and you would be grateful if she would stop behaving like an interfering old bat trying to tell you how to 'please your man'; and b) trying to coerce someone into sex that they don't want crosses the line from inappropriate to actually sinister and our may be something she wants to watch out for in general in herself given she seemed to fall into this so easily.

I would read my DH the riot act and, if he complains, suggest that maybe either he or you should discuss the disagreement with his mother/granny/sister/ other woman whose good opinion he cares about and see what they think. He knows full well

They both sound shit, to be honest.

If she’s not interested in men why is she discussing sex with him ? And why is he clearly discussing with her what you and he do in bed ? Massive breach of trust on his part and she needs to mind her own business. If the friendship is getting a bit tired, then maybe this is a reason to put it out of its’ misery.

Kids? Jobs?

Why spend free time drinking with people you don’t like?

It all sounds…. Sleazy and a bit 🤢

Never mind her. Why is he discussing your sex life with anyone??

That would be an instant dealbreaker for me.