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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed at big birthday?

153 replies

Sadatbirthdaydis · 19/10/2025 06:09

I recently had a big birthday and I love giving and receiving presents and go all out for everyone else's birthday.

This year I sent my husband links to gifts I'd like so he could pick one because he isn't very good at gift giving and I didn't want to be disappointed.

The day of my birthday came and there was no card or gift or flowers but no big deal we might be going somewhere after work...

My parents arrived with cards and flowers after work and husband just looks confused and it suddenly dawned on him that it's my birthday.

Off to the shop he pops on the pretense of needing milk.

There was meal out yesterday afternoon that seemed very badly planned (not somewhere we'd usually book and not with the usual birthday invite people) with pretty poor service at the restaurant and I just feel really disappointed.

AIBU to leave him in the doghouse for a while or just suck it up that I'm not that important to him.

OP posts:
Ponoka7 · 19/10/2025 06:11

How have you reached 'big birthday' age, yet can't just communicate hiw disappointed you are with him and he needs to do better? It might be time to call it quits.

GreyChicken · 19/10/2025 06:16

How is the marriage overall?

My DH is an awful gift giver and not an organiser but he's a wonderful man and we're very happy.

He'd never forget though - that's awful!

Has he acknowledged he messed up here?

Bikergran · 19/10/2025 06:17

You've reached a big birthday and he doesn't have form for doing this before? Yes, I agree it feels shit, but some men are just really crap at birthdays. Doesn't mean you're not.important to him, just that he's bad at this. So, don't sulk or put him in the "doghouse", but (as long as he can afford it) either insist on the best of the presents you previously suggested, and/or just brightly say "Since you obviously forgot my big birthday, how about we have a weekend away as a belated celebration?" . No need to add a silly miserable interlude which will make you feel as crap as him, on top of feeling sad already.

LittleMissNumber · 19/10/2025 06:23

Bikergran · 19/10/2025 06:17

You've reached a big birthday and he doesn't have form for doing this before? Yes, I agree it feels shit, but some men are just really crap at birthdays. Doesn't mean you're not.important to him, just that he's bad at this. So, don't sulk or put him in the "doghouse", but (as long as he can afford it) either insist on the best of the presents you previously suggested, and/or just brightly say "Since you obviously forgot my big birthday, how about we have a weekend away as a belated celebration?" . No need to add a silly miserable interlude which will make you feel as crap as him, on top of feeling sad already.

Stop making excuses for shit men.

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 06:27

What are they usually like on your birthday? Christmas? Generally?

Thoughtful? Loving?

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 06:28

Your big birthday

and you didn’t mention it at any point in the days immediately preceding? He’s saying be completely forgot?

Either he has memory issues, or he’s not the sharpest tool in the box or, most likely, he couldn’t be assed because he’s not bothered about what you think but he’s too spineless to admit so makes out he’s forgotten.

Nice

sesquipedalian · 19/10/2025 06:30

OP, if you know your DH has form in this area, why were you not dropping hints, or even being explicit? If you wanted to go somewhere specific for dinner, you should have said, “I’m thinking we should go to …. on my birthday: will you book it or shall I?” And mention your birthday - “Pity I have to go to work on my big birthday NEXT MONDAY, but I’m looking forward to going out in the evening.” And the week before - “Gosh, I really can’t believe that I shall be 40 next Monday”. My own DH is a dear and lovely man, but birthdays have simply never been as important in his family as they are in mine, and if I were to forget his birthday altogether, he genuinely wouldn’t mind - so I make sure that what I want to happen, happens. You won’t gain anything by leaving your DH in the doghouse, because that will end up upsetting you, and it’s nothing to do with your not being important to him - he doubtless feels embarrassed that he forgot, but it’s just that birthdays are far more important to some people than others. So don’t be hurt or hold it against him - you know what he’s like, so next year, you need to plan a little better, irritating though it might be.

youmustbeshittingme · 19/10/2025 06:32

Ponoka7 · 19/10/2025 06:11

How have you reached 'big birthday' age, yet can't just communicate hiw disappointed you are with him and he needs to do better? It might be time to call it quits.

I do agree with this. Have you told him how disappointed you are? Make your expectations clear and be clear what you deserve.

I wonder if you are one of those people who says birthdays aren’t a big deal but actually wants a fuss. I make it clear birthdays are important to me so if he makes no effort then we’re not well matched.

It’s not your fault your husband has been shit at all but how much do you communicate what you want?
Does he have form for being a selfish prick?

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 06:38

AIBU to leave him in the doghouse for a while

I don’t think he’d care OP

Anotherdayanotherpound · 19/10/2025 07:00

My husband is SO shit with birthdays. He’s actually quite work-obsessed and it’s hard to get him to focus on anything else. (But he is brilliant in other ways, hence still being married!) I could get upset and pissed off every time he’s crap about a birthday but honestly what’s the point. And I would never expect him to organise a birthday event like a dinner as he wouldn’t do it how I’d want it. If it’s a big birthday organise something yoursekf, with the people you want, at a place you like. If it’s a smaller birthday, tell him in the weeks before what you want (DH don’t forget it’s my birthday on X and I want a nice dinner at Y kind of place so don’t forget to book it!) Yes, wouldn’t it be nice to be swept off our feet but in my view, if a marriage is otherwise good, this just isn’t a hill to die on.

Hotdoughnut · 19/10/2025 07:03

I always struggle with these threads. I can't get past how a big birthday didn't come up in conversation in the weeks (or even months!) leading up? I literally can't understand how it's been forgotten. I'm so sorry for you.

Anotherdayanotherpound · 19/10/2025 07:03

Ps just reread your OP and saw you sent DH links to the things you wanted and he didn’t bother. That is crap and I’d be justifiably upset. I’d demand a decent present now tbh, but it’s a shame he didn’t bother in the first place. This I would be upset about abd id tell him

MrsJeanLuc · 19/10/2025 07:04

LittleMissNumber · 19/10/2025 06:23

Stop making excuses for shit men.

Show quote history

@Bikergran isn't making excuses for the husband, she's suggesting that op attempt to retrieve the situation by demanding reparations rather than simply sulking.

moose62 · 19/10/2025 07:04

Why do you have to 'suck it up'. Can't you just tell him how disappointed you are and perhaps he can try and make it up to you!

Why do people have to just accept it when their partner makes no effort, unless neither if you do. Stop being a martyr....or going forward, don't make any effort for him, and then neither of you can complain.

MeanWeedratStew · 19/10/2025 07:05

I get so tired of seeing “some men are just crap at birthdays/housework/communication/sex.”

Fuck that. Best advice I’ve ever heard about men is “If he wanted to, he would.”

So… if he wanted to treat you like an equal partner, he would.
If he wanted to do his fair share of home duties and childcare, he would.
If he wanted to support you emotionally, he would.
If he wanted to ensure your enjoyment during sex, he would.

OP: If your husband wanted to remember your birthday and make plans to celebrate you, he would. But he didn’t. What you choose to do with that information is up to you, but I think at the very least you need to tell him how unimpressed you are with his piss-poor effort.

CuddlyPug · 19/10/2025 07:10

I used to ring up my FIL secretly to remind him when it was my husband's birthday. My husband never realised why his dad got so much better remembering his birthday.

LittleMissNumber · 19/10/2025 07:10

MrsJeanLuc · 19/10/2025 07:04

@Bikergran isn't making excuses for the husband, she's suggesting that op attempt to retrieve the situation by demanding reparations rather than simply sulking.

Show quote history

"but some men are just really crap at birthdays"

To me this is making excuses. Anyone can make the effort to not be crap, there is nothing about a man that gives him a reason to be crap with birthdays.

ScrewyouJonathon · 19/10/2025 07:38

OP, if you know your DH has form in this area, why were you not dropping hints, or even being explicit?

Why should she? Is it really so difficult to remember your OH Birthday? Especially a big one. I would be really hurt, not because I give a shite about presents but the lack of thought and disregard. I don't buy oh he's a man, oh you should remind him. Fuck that.

MrsJeanLuc · 19/10/2025 07:39

LittleMissNumber · 19/10/2025 07:10

"but some men are just really crap at birthdays"

To me this is making excuses. Anyone can make the effort to not be crap, there is nothing about a man that gives him a reason to be crap with birthdays.

Show quote history

Stating a fact is not the same thing as making excuses.

And the point is that there are more productive options available to the op than sulking or sucking it up.

DingDongJingle · 19/10/2025 07:41

MrsJeanLuc · 19/10/2025 07:39

Stating a fact is not the same thing as making excuses.

And the point is that there are more productive options available to the op than sulking or sucking it up.

Show quote history

But surely ’some women are just really crap at birthdays’ is fact too?

BallerinaRadio · 19/10/2025 07:41

It seems like you were just setting yourself up for disappointment here. You say you sent him a link but not far away was it from your birthday? Did you mention it to him in the weeks/days leading up to it?

It sounds like you knew there was a chance he would forget but rather than nudge him you would rather let him forget and put yourself through this.

RubyFlax · 19/10/2025 07:42

Sorry OP that’s really crap. Especially if you sent him some ideas of things you’d like to help him out.

I wouldn’t sulk about it or leave him in the dog house but I would make a short clear statement about it & move on. “I’ve been feeling a bit upset, so wanted to let you know how I’m feeling. As you know I always put a lot of thought & effort in to everyone’s birthdays, & I appreciate not everyone wants to do the same as I do, but I was actually really hurt that it seems you forgot my big birthday. I know life is busy & we all have stuff to focus on, but to me these things are important, & it made me feel really unappreciated & like I’m not thought of. It’s happened now, & we can just move on but I wanted you to know that I was upset by it & in future it would mean a lot to me if you remembered & made a bit of fuss. It’s really not asking a lot”

Next year I’d plan a lovely day with a close friend or group of friends, a meal out or similar. Fuck him.
People really do make excuses for shit men. There is no excuse. We all carry around a device in our pocket/bag which holds a calendar & can send us reminders of important events. Use it.

CarlaLemarchant · 19/10/2025 07:47

Hotdoughnut · 19/10/2025 07:03

I always struggle with these threads. I can't get past how a big birthday didn't come up in conversation in the weeks (or even months!) leading up? I literally can't understand how it's been forgotten. I'm so sorry for you.

Same. DH wasn’t a birthday person but I am and I’ve got him on board over the years. Even the non big birthdays go on the calendar, ideas are shared around gifts, discussions are made around which restaurant to go to or how we’d like to spend the day and there’s normally a plan formed. Annual leave may be booked if necessary.
I can’t imagine a world in which we didn’t discuss a big birthday and how we would be spending the day. There would be no situation in which it would creep up and one of us would be confused.
Sometimes, I think people like to test their partners and it doesn’t end well.

LlynTegid · 19/10/2025 07:49

Reasonable to expect your DH to remember your birthday, unreasonable to fall for the nonsense and excuse to spend money that are so-called big birthdays.

Barney16 · 19/10/2025 07:49

He's thoughtless. If you know he's crap at birthdays and they matter to you, he should know that's he's crap at birthdays and it's important and he should plan accordingly. He should put a reminder in his phone,stick a post it on his lap top, whatever he needs to not be crap. He should also know that failing is unacceptable. Tell him clearly how you feel. It's his responsibility to get it right.