To be disappointed at big birthday?

[Sadatbirthdaydis]

I recently had a big birthday and I love giving and receiving presents and go all out for everyone else's birthday.

This year I sent my husband links to gifts I'd like so he could pick one because he isn't very good at gift giving and I didn't want to be disappointed.

The day of my birthday came and there was no card or gift or flowers but no big deal we might be going somewhere after work...

My parents arrived with cards and flowers after work and husband just looks confused and it suddenly dawned on him that it's my birthday.

Off to the shop he pops on the pretense of needing milk.

There was meal out yesterday afternoon that seemed very badly planned (not somewhere we'd usually book and not with the usual birthday invite people) with pretty poor service at the restaurant and I just feel really disappointed.

AIBU to leave him in the doghouse for a while or just suck it up that I'm not that important to him.

Er. My late father, born in the 1930s, was the most unreconstructed chauvinist you could imagine but he NEVER forgot my mother's birthday, or their wedding anniversary, and he also went out and chose gifts for her carefully, himself. If a guy doesn't remember his SO's birthday, it's because it doesn't matter enough to him.

Is that what it comes down to then you buy me stuff otherwise I won’t fuck you ?
That’s not a marriage or any kind of relationship

Why would you ever just suck it up?? How could you not have told him I just had a milestone birthday and the most memorable part of it will forever be how my husband made me feel like shit??

I'd be honest and tell him that you were disappointed as it was a big birthday and say that you want a part two celebration - at your favourite restaurant and then a gift from your birthday wishlist. I'd also say 'do not deviate from the list'. If he fails at this, then it would be the doghouse/couples therapy.

Oh, bore off. 🙄

I'd be really disappointed. You've sent him a list of what you want. He hasn't acted on it. Hes a selfish pig. I'd also let him know how upset you are.

Well you know what to do. Don’t make a bid deal about his birthday.

Is it like that?
Relationships go both ways. Make the OP feel special, loved and appreciated and bingo!

Based on this part of the OP, yes - ‘AIBU to leave him in the doghouse for a while’

Did you ask ChatGPT to write a post in the style of Hyacinth Bucket?

Absolutely no excuse for his shitty half assed ‘planning’ of your birthday meal. Sorry OP. He had so many reminders, all these posters saying that you should be reminding him like a fucking child, and YOU DID and he still ballsed it up.

I would suggest that with his next wife he at least sets himself a calendar reminder to buy her a card the night before instead of on the day, then kick his sorry arse out tbh. When someone shows you how unimportant you are to them, take note and act accordingly.

Sending you belated birthday hugs.

You need to sit him down and explain just how shit his actions made you feel. You told him what you wanted and reminded him twice and to not do anything at all just shows a complete lack of thought and effort. I bet he would be embarrassed if people ask in front of you both 'did you spoil sad on her birthday' and you told people what he really did

OP DID remind him several times.

Depends what you mean by leaving him in the doghouse. If that means the silent treatment and sulking then no. If it means having an adult conversation telling him how you feel and how to make it up to you then fine.

I certainly wouldn't want to have sex with someone who clearly couldn't give a toss about me and treated me as her husband has.

But that's having self esteem and self respect.
I wouldn't tolerate such treatment.

I was fresh out of hospital after a C-section on 40th so I agreed with exDH that 41st birthday would be my big birthday. He forgot it completely. I decided that was the final straw and ended the marriage.

Maybe your marriage is much better than mine was, all-round? Is he attentive, considerate, a team player? Does he bring a lot to your life that you couldn’t get elsewhere? Were you happy until this incident?

I think you should tell him how he's made you feel unloved and unappreciated. Tell him that you can't help feeling sad and a bit cool towards him now and not to expect any warmth or affection from you for a while.

I usually try to give a balanced view and avoid the "LTB crowd".

But this is pretty bad tbh, you're right to be disappointed.

Or rather, it is a very specific kind of relationship, ie a transactional one, in which case may as well just ask for cash..

This is it in a nutshell.

I’m sorry you had such an awful day. But this is why.

Did he respond to any of this?

Exactly! Not the “withdrawal of sexual services” (🤢) but just being open about the fact that emotional neglect and carelessness isn’t exactly a turn on.

Following this update - he is deservedly in the doghouse. He should be apologising like mad and trying to make it up to you. Specifically for the hurt he has caused you. The people in your life should know you well enough not to hurt you.

Something like this would be a turning point for me. Not the birthday gifts and meal thing, but the way he really didn't bother to attend to you telling him and reminding him, several times and in different ways, that this birthday was important to you. Like you're an irritating gnat buzzing on his periphery about, oh, something or other, but he's not listening.

Ignore anyone here telling you that you're a big girl now and shouldn't fuss about birthdays - if something matters to you, it matters to you, and should matter to the people you (say they) love you.

My dh doesn't do birthdays. Just not his thing. That doesn't make him a bad man, or that I have low standards. What it does mean is I recognise it is something he doesn't enjoy so I accept him for who he is and don't force it.

He is kind, considerate and generous in the moment all year round. Little things like this morning before he went to work, without me asking/hinting, he put the ham hough on to boil for soup stock because I was having a lie in and I had mentioned last week when he asked how my soup was that it takes so long to make it could have done with an extra hour to let the lentils breakdown more by the time I wanted to eat it (this is my soup I batch cook for my lunches, he isn't keen on it). I came downstairs after my lie in and shower, him off to work and the surprise of the kitchen smelling nice and hammy and a note saying he'd put it on at 8am.

I'd rather have that any day of the week than someone who does once a year show on my birthday just to placate me!