To be disappointed at big birthday?

[Sadatbirthdaydis]

I recently had a big birthday and I love giving and receiving presents and go all out for everyone else's birthday.

This year I sent my husband links to gifts I'd like so he could pick one because he isn't very good at gift giving and I didn't want to be disappointed.

The day of my birthday came and there was no card or gift or flowers but no big deal we might be going somewhere after work...

My parents arrived with cards and flowers after work and husband just looks confused and it suddenly dawned on him that it's my birthday.

Off to the shop he pops on the pretense of needing milk.

There was meal out yesterday afternoon that seemed very badly planned (not somewhere we'd usually book and not with the usual birthday invite people) with pretty poor service at the restaurant and I just feel really disappointed.

AIBU to leave him in the doghouse for a while or just suck it up that I'm not that important to him.

Why is there so much allowance given for people being 'rubbish at remembering ' etc...it happens every year.

Sorry I'm a bit behind with the responses
Generally a good marriage - we both work full time and have two children
Links were sent about 4 weeks ago with a reminder on Monday and Friday of last week
Last weekend I asked which restaurant we were going as we passed our favourite restaurant
All birthdays are on the family calendar in the kitchen

He's crap at birthdays because he chooses to be. My dh isn't fussed about his own birthday which is fair enough. He likes it lowkey so that is what he gets. I do care about my birthday as do our children. He understands as an adult that these occasions are important to us so steps up to make them special. When you are in a couple it isn't about just you, relationships involve thinking of your partner! If you brush this under the table you are just letting him get away with inconsiderate behaviour and nothing will change. Explain that his lack of care made you feel sad.

I agree with this. I am the crap one more likely to forget. So to make sure I don't, we choose a restaurant or show in advance together, and I book them, put them on the calendar. DH also drags me out shopping and shows me something he'd like which I buy right then.

Then I’m afraid he’s actively choosing to be shit because he doesn’t care enough to bother.

Is he normally like this?

Because to be sent present links, reminded twice, and also asked about going to a restaurant and still completely forget suggests such a complete lack of giving a shit that I’m surprised it doesn’t show up all the time in things he does/doesn’t do.

To prevent this I buy something for myself and organise something nice to do..

You shouldn’t have to when you’re married. That’s what single girls do who aren’t washing their pants and I’m washing their socks.

Im so sorry it wasn’t very special OP.

Do you know what? I think you should take yourself off for something really indulgent. What do you enjoy? Spa weekend? Walking weekend? Shopping spree? Trip to Paris? If you’re short on cash you can still do something really nice for yourself.

Go alone or take a friend. Fuck him! Make yourself happy!

That is unforgivable. The only way you could have given him more help is if you’d bought your presents yourself. I’d be sitting him down for a very robust discussion.

Unless (or actually, EVEN IF) he has something else going on (MASSIVE work project, major depressive episode, other serious illness) this is really indicative that he doesn’t think about you at all. All those cues and not once did you cross his mind in a ‘I must get Sad her birthday present’ sort of way. If this happened to me I would feel broken-hearted. Has he addressed it with you since? Have you asked him about it directly? “Hey husband, you know my birthday the other day, how did you forget about it when I’ve mentioned it several times and it’s on the calendar? Why didn’t you do something about it?”

I would have to ask. Sod being polite and dancing around his feelings. YANBU and he really needs a fecking excellent explanation.

YANBU to be disappointed.

YABU to "leave him in the doghouse for a bit" rather than using your words and actually telling him how you feel about him forgetting your birthday despite all the reminders.

Including me 🥴.

Not that I would actually forget my husband's birthday 😨

Not unreasonable to be angry. I would sit him down for a very direct discussion - you want him squirming and uncomfortable or at the very least provoked into being defensive. He needs to basically admit that he didn't care enough - either because he's a selfish shit in general or because he takes you for granted. Hopefully the latter as it can be remedied.

Sure some people are less organised than others but there's no excuse here - he was reminded and literally all he had to do was click some links, we live in an age of overwhelming convenience. If you have rubbish executive function there are techniques in place (eg make the order the second you get sent it, so you don't forget).

Have you considered 'accidentally' doing the same to him on his next birthday? You could have his present in backup, but pretend you've forgotten so he can get a taste of it? Or does he not care as much?

There is no objective right or wrong for how birthdays are celebrated in a marriage - it's whatever the couple are comfortable with.

So I don't mean this judgementally, but personally I would find it tricky if I had a partner with birthday expectations as specific as yours. You had a list of approved gifts for him to buy you. And clearly a specific restaurant in mind, with specific guests.

Given you did not want him to put any thought in, but rather just adhere to your expectations it might be better in future if he just gives you the money and you arrange it yourself?

That's not to say it isn't bad that he forgot - I agree it is. I must admit I too am shit with dates, and could easily forget a partner's birthday if not reminded (and I am female). I do try to take steps lioe putting it on the calendar to help, though - so there is no excuse really.

Not worth falling out over - what's. The point. Speak to him, explain what you would like to happen next time. Either he will accept that as reasonable, or say he feels it's too demanding, but either way at least you will know where you stand.

I bet he doesn't forget his own birthday or to go on holiday or to get to a sports event/tournament or meet his mates down the pub for their birthday...

There's absolutely no excuse for forgetting a birthday of someone else these days, especially your wife. He'll have a phone that has a calendar in it, where you can enter a birthday and get remainders every day for 3 weeks if you want...

As various others have said - some people care less about birthdays and some people have a hard time remembering or organising (I am the latter). But being a grown up and being a good partner (or friend or sibling or whatever) means that you make an effort for the person you love who does care about birthdays. Even for people who don't want a fuss you still make an effort to remember and acknowledge it.

Tell him how hurt you are and see what he says.

Why on earth would you suck it up" you're not important to him? What a low bar to set for a relationship!

YANBU. Make sure not to make any effort for his birthdays in future.

I’d be organising a nice meal out with friends in the next few weeks to belatedly celebrate, and book yourself a day alone or with a friend up in London to see a show etc or a spa day etc.

Tell him explicitly how hurt and let down you are and ask him what he intends to do to remedy it.

You did remind him, sent him gift links and mentioned going out - he's at fault here and is either thick, lazy or just doesn’t care enough about you. Pretty unforgivable on a milestone birthday.

I think he has no absolutely excuse for his level of shitness with the update you posted, I guess it wasn't "important enough" for him to get round to organising. I would have given mine (he died earlier this year) a LOT of grief about that. I'd also do very little for his forthcoming birthday, childish I know but they have no idea how it feels when nobody bothers for your birthday... my DH's big error was giving me a sewing basket and a gallon of car shampoo one Christmas, his parents came for Christmas lunch and brought their really smelly little dogs with them when we'd asked them not to, they peed everywhere and well, it was all too much for me, I lost it and locked him out of the house after he made one stupid pissed comment too many (he'd had a fair amount to drink over the day). He learnt a lot from that episode and all the many subsequent birthdays and Christmases were much much better.

it's all about respect and feeling valued for what you do. If you don't have that then what have you got?

Well je wouldn't have forgotten if it was a work task his boss had allocated to him would he, he just didn't care to make the effort to remember because it wasn't important enough to him.

I'd have it out with him. He forgot and then made a poss poor attempt at recovering it and hiding his mistake.

Don't make yourself small and ignore shitty behaviour on the basis that you know he will sulk and make a fuss about being told off like a pathetic manbaby.

Yes this is rubbish and he needs to do some serious grovelling to make up for this.

I am not big on birthdays and usually say people are being unreasonable - especially if they don't say what they want, but in your instance you sent a list of gifts you would like and even mentioned the restaurant.

I think you need to tell him how disappointed you are, how easy you made it for him to actually organise something (the gift list, naming a restaurant) and as someone else mentioned, how you feel that you are not a priority (as if this was indeed a work task he wouldn't have forgotten then).

So It is pathetic with all these reminders that he failed. I think the main question is, is this a one off big screwup (we all have to be allowed one every few years if there is no ill intent), or is this one in a series of screw ups all with the same theme of being bloody useless, or thoughtless, or failing to make you happy?

I can't believe you'd send him links for things you want to be bought for you, how presumptuous and self centred. I'm not sure why you'd expect a fuss and expect people to part with their cash to buy things for you. How selfish can you get!

I'd be upset too. It's not good enough, especially as you had done most of the heavy lifting already by giving gift ideas and dinner ideas and he didn't even have to remember the date as it was on the calendar.

From now on his gift would be socks or a packet of jocks. Chocolate if I felt generous. My birthdays I'd buy myself something nice and book a night away with a friend for a show and dinner at a nice restaurant or whatever you enjoy doing.

After a particularly shit year of birthday gifts I decided going forward I'll spend on myself what I'd spent on gifts for others during the year. I've gotten myself some beautiful presents since!