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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed at big birthday?

153 replies

Sadatbirthdaydis · 19/10/2025 06:09

I recently had a big birthday and I love giving and receiving presents and go all out for everyone else's birthday.

This year I sent my husband links to gifts I'd like so he could pick one because he isn't very good at gift giving and I didn't want to be disappointed.

The day of my birthday came and there was no card or gift or flowers but no big deal we might be going somewhere after work...

My parents arrived with cards and flowers after work and husband just looks confused and it suddenly dawned on him that it's my birthday.

Off to the shop he pops on the pretense of needing milk.

There was meal out yesterday afternoon that seemed very badly planned (not somewhere we'd usually book and not with the usual birthday invite people) with pretty poor service at the restaurant and I just feel really disappointed.

AIBU to leave him in the doghouse for a while or just suck it up that I'm not that important to him.

OP posts:
TheHairInClaudiasEyes · 19/10/2025 11:54

He didn’t realise it was your birthday until other people came round? The first words out of my mouth when I awoke would be referring to cake! Plus going to bed I would have referred to it being the last day of whatever decade.

Bloozie · 19/10/2025 11:56

Oh I would be furious, and my husband would know it. He forgot your birthday, it's unacceptable and I wouldn't even feel able to allow him to make it up, because any gifts would feel coerced and any redo of the meal would be forced awkward. There would be no way my husband could 'win'. He'd just have to be very sorry, and I'd have to accept it and not hold it against him.

And make him set a reminder 3 weeks ahead of next year's birthday so he could book the restaurant etc.

Wasssuuuuup · 19/10/2025 12:01

I think it's different if he is normally good and this was fluke or if he is always crap in this. My DH messed up one year confusing dates with something else. 2 day difference. He was proper sorry. It never happened before or after. Was it disappointing? Yes. Did I tell him? Also yes. Has it happened again, absolutely no.

Rhaidimiddim · 19/10/2025 12:02

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Did you miss the bit where she sent him a gift list and reminders, reminded him twice in the week before, and asked about which restaurant they were going to?

Typo edit

Rhaidimiddim · 19/10/2025 12:10

Bloozie · 19/10/2025 11:56

Oh I would be furious, and my husband would know it. He forgot your birthday, it's unacceptable and I wouldn't even feel able to allow him to make it up, because any gifts would feel coerced and any redo of the meal would be forced awkward. There would be no way my husband could 'win'. He'd just have to be very sorry, and I'd have to accept it and not hold it against him.

And make him set a reminder 3 weeks ahead of next year's birthday so he could book the restaurant etc.

It isn't (even) just that he forgot her birthday; she was reminding him of it for a period of time beforehand. The embodiment of the attitude "my wife says I never listen to her, or something like that".

The OP was tuned out, and her birthday forgotten. He'd have to have some hugely impressive other husbandly qualities for me to overlook that. I'm furious on her behalf.

asmallbluething · 19/10/2025 12:14

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

therewasafishinthepercolator · 19/10/2025 12:24

He forgot your birthday despite several reminders. Yep, that's pretty shit.

If doghouse means being off with him or giving him silent treatment then no. Just tell him outright he was shit and it made you feel like shit.

I'd also be pointing out that he shouldn't actually need reminders. Do better, sir.

He should apologise and make it up to you. Its shitty but not unforgivable. Hopefully a one off and he'll not do that again.

TheoriginalMrsDarcy · 19/10/2025 12:45

ChocolateCinderToffee · 19/10/2025 10:19

Er. My late father, born in the 1930s, was the most unreconstructed chauvinist you could imagine but he NEVER forgot my mother's birthday, or their wedding anniversary, and he also went out and chose gifts for her carefully, himself. If a guy doesn't remember his SO's birthday, it's because it doesn't matter enough to him.

Show quote history

Maybe OPs DH doesnt consider her important enough to remember but not everyone can be perfect and remember everything. My DH is so busy at work that he even forgets his own mothers birthday and once even his own daughters birthday. I routinely forget things as well, so im not perfect. We're forgetful because of our jobs which is highly intense, pressured and stressful. But thats no excuse either but it doesnt mean people dont matter to us.

This is a first world problem and hardly grounds for divorce.

Couples just need to chat and discuss. Yes, its very disappointing but you cant go back in time. The only way is forward so what can you do? Best to salvage what you can of your birthday.

Sunshineandgrapefruit · 19/10/2025 13:08

I would be very hurt and disappointed. He would not be getting off lightly. Has he apologised? Spell out how this has made you feel and that he needs to put more effort in.

rwalker · 19/10/2025 13:10

Some people including myself just see birthdays as non events
sounds like he’s one of them you’ll never change them and let’s be honest what is a point of a card and present off them it’s forced and meaningless

DingDongJingle · 19/10/2025 14:48

rwalker · 19/10/2025 13:10

Some people including myself just see birthdays as non events
sounds like he’s one of them you’ll never change them and let’s be honest what is a point of a card and present off them it’s forced and meaningless

It’s fine to not care about your birthday. It’s pretty shit to not care about your wife’s birthday when you know that they care about it.

ScrewyouJonathon · 19/10/2025 14:56

rwalker · 19/10/2025 13:10

Some people including myself just see birthdays as non events
sounds like he’s one of them you’ll never change them and let’s be honest what is a point of a card and present off them it’s forced and meaningless

So you never do anything nice for anybody else when it means nothing to you? Sounds incredibly selfish, I get joy out seeing other happy. I fucking hate Xmas but every year I paint a smile on and embrace it for my DC because you know thats what you do for the folk you love.

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 15:38

Sometimes I wonder whether the “gift” is for the OP to feel martyrish and indignant on her birthday.

I mean, don’t get me wrong, he’s an inconsiderate fool who was spoon fed what his wife WANTED (ah the joy of receiving gifts knowing you’ve ordered it!) but he’s no doubt been an inconsiderate fool every year for the OP’s birthday, Christmas, anniversaries. And the OP clearly sent the links and then to test him, didn’t mention it again.

And now…. She has every right to feel hurt and pissed off

and she’s going to rinse that for all it’s worth!

JoshLymanSwagger · 19/10/2025 15:51

Has he been shit before? Busy at work? Any possible excuse for you to cut him some slack? inability to count, and thought you were 39 not 40?

Remember, Christmas is 9ish weeks away...so if there's something you wanted him to buy for you, print out pictures with website/order details and stick to every flat surface possible (and the steering wheel of his car).

He's getting a bad tie or some socks for Christmas, isn't he? Wink

eta My DH forgot my birthday entirely one year, he remembered about 4 days later.
He's never forgotten again - it's part of the house alarm code.

Airspice · 19/10/2025 18:38

I think if I had a big birthday and it wasn’t even mentioned by my OH in the morning before we left for work, it would be blindingly obvious that they’d forgotten rather than ‘we might be going somewhere after work’! No one just doesn’t even mention it unless they’ve completely forgotten!

Jackiepumpkinhead · 19/10/2025 19:01

Bikergran · 19/10/2025 06:17

You've reached a big birthday and he doesn't have form for doing this before? Yes, I agree it feels shit, but some men are just really crap at birthdays. Doesn't mean you're not.important to him, just that he's bad at this. So, don't sulk or put him in the "doghouse", but (as long as he can afford it) either insist on the best of the presents you previously suggested, and/or just brightly say "Since you obviously forgot my big birthday, how about we have a weekend away as a belated celebration?" . No need to add a silly miserable interlude which will make you feel as crap as him, on top of feeling sad already.

No, some men aren’t ‘really crap at birthdays’. They are selfish and are being excused by women like you.

Jackiepumpkinhead · 19/10/2025 19:06

Happy birthday, OP! You are not being unreasonable, I’d be really disappointed too. I wouldn’t put him in the dog house, I’d be honest and tell him how upset you are by his lack of consideration and thoughtlessness. And then tell him exactly what you want to do for your belated birthday treat.

Pessismistic · 19/10/2025 19:15

Hi op you have every right to be disappointed can you buy what you wanted tell him he owes you and do another meal at the restaurant you prefer.

J3001 · 19/10/2025 19:20

I never got anything for birthdays big or normal , christmas or anniversarys but he expected for him for all of them

DingDongJingle · 19/10/2025 19:21

J3001 · 19/10/2025 19:20

I never got anything for birthdays big or normal , christmas or anniversarys but he expected for him for all of them

Why did you buy things for him when he didn’t buy anything for you?

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 19:32

Hotdoughnut · 19/10/2025 07:03

I always struggle with these threads. I can't get past how a big birthday didn't come up in conversation in the weeks (or even months!) leading up? I literally can't understand how it's been forgotten. I'm so sorry for you.

I'm the opposite.

Neither DH or I do or like big birthdays. We do get each other a nice gift, but nothing extra for some as opposed to other years.

How many of these "big" birthdays do you consider people have op? Perhaps he just didn't realise it was one of them? If it wasn't your 21st or your 100th I probably wouldn't have ...

If I am honest, it always seems a bit babyish making a fuss of a birthday as a grown up.

DingDongJingle · 19/10/2025 19:46

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 19:32

I'm the opposite.

Neither DH or I do or like big birthdays. We do get each other a nice gift, but nothing extra for some as opposed to other years.

How many of these "big" birthdays do you consider people have op? Perhaps he just didn't realise it was one of them? If it wasn't your 21st or your 100th I probably wouldn't have ...

If I am honest, it always seems a bit babyish making a fuss of a birthday as a grown up.

Show quote history

It’s irrelevant whether you like to celebrate birthdays or not. The thread isn’t about you. The OP does like to celebrate her birthday (many adults do, celebrations make life more fun), her partner knows that, and he still didn’t do anything. Thats the point.

AmethystAnnotation · 19/10/2025 19:56

Aww, sympathies. My last 'big one' was a let down. My sister spoiled it by harping on the whole day about a family issue that was going on at the time, and I couldn't relax at all.

If it's any consolation, the following year, where I had no particular expectations, was brilliant. After the previous year, I gave my family a swerve and just had a day out with DH.

DH and I don't ever exchange big gifts, we just buy stuff throughout the year for ourselves if we can afford it and want it, so it's always just a small (less than £20) token present and a card each, which saves expectations and disappointment.

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 19:56

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 19:32

I'm the opposite.

Neither DH or I do or like big birthdays. We do get each other a nice gift, but nothing extra for some as opposed to other years.

How many of these "big" birthdays do you consider people have op? Perhaps he just didn't realise it was one of them? If it wasn't your 21st or your 100th I probably wouldn't have ...

If I am honest, it always seems a bit babyish making a fuss of a birthday as a grown up.

Show quote history

You were the poster going on about how birthdays are a special day for mums and that you would have no qualms telling your children (10 and 12 on the thread in question!) they’d been thoughtless gits if they didn’t acknowledge it and treat you!!

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 20:08

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 19:56

You were the poster going on about how birthdays are a special day for mums and that you would have no qualms telling your children (10 and 12 on the thread in question!) they’d been thoughtless gits if they didn’t acknowledge it and treat you!!

Edited
Show quote history

Yes, but that was a different context. The birthday meal was all planned and they were misbehaving (if I remember rightly).

And I did say DH and I acknowledge it; I just don't think this whole "big" birthday thing makes much sense. Why is 40 more important than 39? Or 50 more than 51? They are all the same to me, and my point was I wouldn't have thought to make more of it than usual - other than a 21st or 100th, which I can see have significance.

I have known quite a few people to get upset when people didn't make an "extra" fuss and the truth is often you don't even know once you all get past a certain age. DH and I don't celebrate the age. It's just another birthday - and I've always done that for my parents too. Children are obviously different.