Page 6 | To be disappointed at big birthday?

Sadatbirthdaydis · 2025-10-19T05:09:31+00:00

I recently had a big birthday and I love giving and receiving presents and go all out for everyone else's birthday. This year I sent my husband links to gifts I'd like so he could pick one because he isn't very good at gift giving and I didn't want to be disappointed. The day of my birthday came and there was no card or gift or flowers but no big deal we might be going somewhere after work... My parents arrived with cards and flowers after work and husband just looks confused and it suddenly dawned on him that it's my birthday. Off to the shop he pops on the pretense of needing milk. There was meal out yesterday afternoon that seemed very badly planned (not somewhere we'd usually book and not with the usual birthday invite people) with pretty poor service at the restaurant and I just feel really disappointed. AIBU to leave him in the doghouse for a while or just suck it up that I'm not that important to him.

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 20:10

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 20:08

Yes, but that was a different context. The birthday meal was all planned and they were misbehaving (if I remember rightly).

And I did say DH and I acknowledge it; I just don't think this whole "big" birthday thing makes much sense. Why is 40 more important than 39? Or 50 more than 51? They are all the same to me, and my point was I wouldn't have thought to make more of it than usual - other than a 21st or 100th, which I can see have significance.

I have known quite a few people to get upset when people didn't make an "extra" fuss and the truth is often you don't even know once you all get past a certain age. DH and I don't celebrate the age. It's just another birthday - and I've always done that for my parents too. Children are obviously different.

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You really do seem to struggle that people do things and think differently don’t you?

Life must be… challenging

nomas · 19/10/2025 20:12

Match his low effort for his birthday.

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 20:12

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 20:10

You really do seem to struggle that people do things and think differently don’t you?

Life must be… challenging

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Not at all.

I'm just sharing my opinion as a perspective for OP.

I wouldn't expect DH to have done things differently for a particular birthday, and I wouldn't for him. That's me offering a different perspective, rather than struggling with one.

Anyahyacinth · 19/10/2025 20:13

Sadatbirthdaydis · 19/10/2025 07:56

Sorry I'm a bit behind with the responses
Generally a good marriage - we both work full time and have two children
Links were sent about 4 weeks ago with a reminder on Monday and Friday of last week
Last weekend I asked which restaurant we were going as we passed our favourite restaurant
All birthdays are on the family calendar in the kitchen

It’s really awful he didn’t make a good effort. Can you state very clearly you want a Queens Birthday do over this year..choose a date and say straight out he needs to make it special? I junked my 40th when I came downstairs to a cake in the box as sold by Marks and a trip to a (nice) garden centre cafe …I thought there must be a surprise party this is so crap 😆 turns out he’d done a deal or no deal series of boxes leading to a trip to Vienna (maybe ..nothing was booked). Only found this out when I’d said just forget it. I was so upset it was a boring day without sparkle ~ so I get your disappointment. Queens Birthday. 👑

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 20:16

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 20:12

Not at all.

I'm just sharing my opinion as a perspective for OP.

I wouldn't expect DH to have done things differently for a particular birthday, and I wouldn't for him. That's me offering a different perspective, rather than struggling with one.

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And your opinion is * it always seems a bit babyish making a fuss of a birthday as a grown up.*

lovely 😆

arcticpandas · 19/10/2025 20:19

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 20:12

Not at all.

I'm just sharing my opinion as a perspective for OP.

I wouldn't expect DH to have done things differently for a particular birthday, and I wouldn't for him. That's me offering a different perspective, rather than struggling with one.

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I'm the same. I actually would hate people making a big fuss for my 50th birthday- I will turn 50- not 5.

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 20:20

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 20:16

And your opinion is * it always seems a bit babyish making a fuss of a birthday as a grown up.*

lovely 😆

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Well, yeah, I do think that a bit.

Maybe we are thinking different things with the word "fuss." A day of being made to feel valued, getting a nice gift, maybe a meal out, I think is lovely.

But it's the idea that on certain birthdays none of that is enough that I struggle with, and that is what I am meaning by a fuss.

Maybe you feel differently, but as you have said, its normal we all see things differently.

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 20:20

arcticpandas · 19/10/2025 20:19

I'm the same. I actually would hate people making a big fuss for my 50th birthday- I will turn 50- not 5.

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Exactly how I see it,

arcticpandas · 19/10/2025 20:21

Rogerthat14 · 19/10/2025 20:16

And your opinion is * it always seems a bit babyish making a fuss of a birthday as a grown up.*

lovely 😆

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Well, I agree. It's an opinion as valid as it's contrary.

caringcarer · 19/10/2025 20:33

Hotdoughnut · 19/10/2025 07:03

I always struggle with these threads. I can't get past how a big birthday didn't come up in conversation in the weeks (or even months!) leading up? I literally can't understand how it's been forgotten. I'm so sorry for you.

He knew because OP sent him links to gifts she'd like.

caringcarer · 19/10/2025 20:36

If it's ends on 5 or 0 it's a big birthday in my book and I expect an effort to be made. It really should not be hard to think of something he knows his wife would like.

Chipsahoy · 19/10/2025 20:38

My dh isn’t great at birthdays.. or he wasn’t. I had two disappointing birthdays early on in the marriage. We have since communicated on what we both expect or would like. Twenty years in and I’ve not been disappointed for 18 years.

DingDongJingle · 19/10/2025 21:08

Calliopespa · 19/10/2025 20:20

Exactly how I see it,

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You’re not the OP though, and everyone is different. Life can be hard, sometimes it’s nice to celebrate.

Gagaandgag · 19/10/2025 21:13

MeanWeedratStew · 19/10/2025 07:05

I get so tired of seeing “some men are just crap at birthdays/housework/communication/sex.”

Fuck that. Best advice I’ve ever heard about men is “If he wanted to, he would.”

So… if he wanted to treat you like an equal partner, he would.
If he wanted to do his fair share of home duties and childcare, he would.
If he wanted to support you emotionally, he would.
If he wanted to ensure your enjoyment during sex, he would.

OP: If your husband wanted to remember your birthday and make plans to celebrate you, he would. But he didn’t. What you choose to do with that information is up to you, but I think at the very least you need to tell him how unimpressed you are with his piss-poor effort.

Yes!!!!!

Shewhoshallnotbenamed91 · 19/10/2025 21:30

MeanWeedratStew · 19/10/2025 07:05

I get so tired of seeing “some men are just crap at birthdays/housework/communication/sex.”

Fuck that. Best advice I’ve ever heard about men is “If he wanted to, he would.”

So… if he wanted to treat you like an equal partner, he would.
If he wanted to do his fair share of home duties and childcare, he would.
If he wanted to support you emotionally, he would.
If he wanted to ensure your enjoyment during sex, he would.

OP: If your husband wanted to remember your birthday and make plans to celebrate you, he would. But he didn’t. What you choose to do with that information is up to you, but I think at the very least you need to tell him how unimpressed you are with his piss-poor effort.

Absolutely this. If he wanted to bother he would have. He didn't and that speaks volumes. Whether it's important to him or not he knows it's important to you, you wouldn't have sent him gift ideas if it wasn't ffs.
He's an absolute let down tbh and owes you massively. Has he always been like this or is he losing interest gradually? If so I would look into why.

AnneShirleyBlythe · 19/10/2025 21:32

If you’re not fussed about your birthday then that’s fine, but some of us are! I am not a centre of attention type person (wedding was less than 10 ppl) but even I enjoy my birthday & getting spoilt a bit. For years when DC were young their birthdays took centre stage, I was grateful for a small gift from DH & homemade card from DC. Now I organise a meal out for us all & yes I do expect my DH & young adult DC to remember to buy me a gift! If they forgot my 50th last year I would have been so upset!

Those saying birthdays are for kids, life is hard, why not grasp opportunities to celebrate & be happy? We’re a long time dead!

mixedcereal · 19/10/2025 21:40

What’s he normally like at birthdays? That would be the influencer no factor to how I took this

Covidwoes · 19/10/2025 21:45

I’d be annoyed too OP! I have a big birthday (tomorrow in fact!) and there’s just no way DH would forget. How can anyone forget a big birthday, unless it is never, ever mentioned (unlikely!)?

Also, do you have DC? My two have been going on about my birthday for weeks, so again, no way anyone DH could forget, even if he wanted to!

Richtea1234 · 19/10/2025 23:11

If he forgot your birthday, he may not understand silent treatment if that is how you choose to leave him in the doghouse.
If you sent him links for gifts in weeks leading up to the big day and he still forgot, his mind must be elsewhere.

SALaw · 19/10/2025 23:23

So what’s he saying about it all?

SALaw · 19/10/2025 23:25

Bikergran · 19/10/2025 06:17

You've reached a big birthday and he doesn't have form for doing this before? Yes, I agree it feels shit, but some men are just really crap at birthdays. Doesn't mean you're not.important to him, just that he's bad at this. So, don't sulk or put him in the "doghouse", but (as long as he can afford it) either insist on the best of the presents you previously suggested, and/or just brightly say "Since you obviously forgot my big birthday, how about we have a weekend away as a belated celebration?" . No need to add a silly miserable interlude which will make you feel as crap as him, on top of feeling sad already.

I don’t think that giving a birthday gift is a regressive gene on the X chromosome, is it?! Why do men get a free pass cos “some men are useless at birthdays”?!

Rogerthat14 · 20/10/2025 07:01

SALaw · 19/10/2025 23:23

So what’s he saying about it all?

I’m going to guess that the op hasn’t actually communicated anything to him but has instead moped around ever since her birthday looking sad and put upon waiting for him to ask. However him being completely unbothered… won’t. So it will limp on

and there’ll be a Christmas thread…

J3001 · 20/10/2025 17:48

DingDongJingle · 19/10/2025 19:21

Why did you buy things for him when he didn’t buy anything for you?

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Because it was expected and he was awful to live with got out after 24 years as he was controling and still is to a point but least he's out of the house and im learning to answer back

Jovilady22 · 21/10/2025 16:24

sesquipedalian · 19/10/2025 06:30

OP, if you know your DH has form in this area, why were you not dropping hints, or even being explicit? If you wanted to go somewhere specific for dinner, you should have said, “I’m thinking we should go to …. on my birthday: will you book it or shall I?” And mention your birthday - “Pity I have to go to work on my big birthday NEXT MONDAY, but I’m looking forward to going out in the evening.” And the week before - “Gosh, I really can’t believe that I shall be 40 next Monday”. My own DH is a dear and lovely man, but birthdays have simply never been as important in his family as they are in mine, and if I were to forget his birthday altogether, he genuinely wouldn’t mind - so I make sure that what I want to happen, happens. You won’t gain anything by leaving your DH in the doghouse, because that will end up upsetting you, and it’s nothing to do with your not being important to him - he doubtless feels embarrassed that he forgot, but it’s just that birthdays are far more important to some people than others. So don’t be hurt or hold it against him - you know what he’s like, so next year, you need to plan a little better, irritating though it might be.

I dropped hints for four years about what I wanted to do for my big birthday last year. We had stood outside the theatre and I told him they were taking bookings for my birthday month. We then had a conversation about it, asked me what I wanted to do so I told him, he turned round and said oh but I’m in London the night before and don’t want to go two nights running, I would have not stopped him going but he had the choice. We ended up going three months later but it wasn’t the same. The worst thing was so many people knew that was what I wanted to do but no one said a word to him and that included our oldest daughter who was 22 at the time

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 21/10/2025 16:26

Jovilady22 · 21/10/2025 16:24

I dropped hints for four years about what I wanted to do for my big birthday last year. We had stood outside the theatre and I told him they were taking bookings for my birthday month. We then had a conversation about it, asked me what I wanted to do so I told him, he turned round and said oh but I’m in London the night before and don’t want to go two nights running, I would have not stopped him going but he had the choice. We ended up going three months later but it wasn’t the same. The worst thing was so many people knew that was what I wanted to do but no one said a word to him and that included our oldest daughter who was 22 at the time

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Did you not tell him what a shit he was being, or did you pretend you were fine with it?