To be disappointed at big birthday?

[Sadatbirthdaydis]

I recently had a big birthday and I love giving and receiving presents and go all out for everyone else's birthday.

This year I sent my husband links to gifts I'd like so he could pick one because he isn't very good at gift giving and I didn't want to be disappointed.

The day of my birthday came and there was no card or gift or flowers but no big deal we might be going somewhere after work...

My parents arrived with cards and flowers after work and husband just looks confused and it suddenly dawned on him that it's my birthday.

Off to the shop he pops on the pretense of needing milk.

There was meal out yesterday afternoon that seemed very badly planned (not somewhere we'd usually book and not with the usual birthday invite people) with pretty poor service at the restaurant and I just feel really disappointed.

AIBU to leave him in the doghouse for a while or just suck it up that I'm not that important to him.

Happy Birthday

That's awful

I had a puppy for my big birthday ( I am an experienced dog owner and he is very much wanted ) and a necklace to match my engagement ring.
I know those gifts aren't everyone's cup of tea but they are very precious gifts to me.
You need to tell him why you feel let down and upset and watch him squirm , then tell us what he says.
I am sorry that this has happened.

Absolutely this.⬆I bet these people don't forget the date of the Ryder Cup or the FA Cup final or whatever.
It's not as bad as forgetting entirely but I spent the few weeks before my 40th saying, 'I would like to go to Paris for my birthday'. A couple of days before my birthday ExDp asked me what I wanted to do.
I knew we couldn't afford to go to Paris but there was no effort on his part at all to find any kind of alternative.

Seriously? Or sarcasm? 🙃

My OH is glad of links to potential gifts, I usually send several so that he can choose one with confidence.

As others have ask him why he has forgotten. Do not get him a gift, card or make a fuss on his birthday. DH and like low key birthdays but we would both be disappointed if the other person forgot it or couldn't even be bothered.

How is this a good marriage? He appears to care about you less than your parents?

I mean, maybe birthdays don't matter to him. But they matter to YOU.

I’d be withdrawing sexual services for a while as punishment, OP!

So basically he couldn’t be arsed to bother.

Oh shut up

He is taking you for granted and putting zero effort in.

Make this the year you stop being his secretary with all bdays and present buying for his side of the family.

And, when his bday comes around, don't make any effort.

I'd say that your birthday was a let down. Ask him where your present is from the list you sent? Don't be scared, just ask. When he says he forgot, ask him to stop being lazy and order it already, as it's late! For my birthday I always book where I want to go otherwise my selfish husband likes to choose somewhere random with poor food/staff. One year he didn't get me a present so I asked him to hurry up and order this perfume I asked for. It took a week but it was better than never!.

He screwed up massively and should be in the dog house. There were multiple.remimders in play and id be hurt. I would absolutely call him on it otherwise it will fester which isnt good for anyone.

I don’t care too much for birthdays. We agree not to buy each other cards but do buy presents. However on a couple of occasions my h has forgotten my birthday despite being together 10 years. In the years he forgets mine then I just reciprocate. Saves me buying him a present. He doesn’t like that but he knows what to do. I wonder how some men function, just putting a reminder on your phone is all that’s needed surely.

He's not a good husband.
He's a selfish, lazy man child who couldn't be arsed.
He has just shown you how little you matter to him.
I would 100% drop the rope with doing ANYTHING for him, and I mean anything.
No laundry, cooking, shopping.
I certainly wouldn't be having sex with him either.

He didn't forget with that number of reminders.
He simply couldn't be arsed.
Match his energy.
Stop doing anything for his family too.
Sounds like you may be a bit of a dormat doing everything?
Stop it, it's never appreciated.

I’d be really upset and disappointed too.

Don’t ignore him or give him the silent treatment, he probably won’t notice as he clearly doesn’t pay much attention to you currently.

You need to read him the riot act and make it absolutely clear that this is a deal breaker for you and he’s risking the marriage if he continues to take you for granted so obviously.

A man can choose to change his behaviour if he wants to.

My DH didn’t do anything special for my 50th despite arranging a great party with all my friends and family and organised the catering for my 40th. He’d become complacent. I made it very clear that I was deeply upset and hurt and the following birthdays he made more effort and for my 60th he organised a wonderful family holiday.

I seriously do not understand how this happens - surely the night before you say to him ‘woohoo it’s by birthday tomorrow’ or something similar? Surely it’s in the conversation in the few days leading up to it? Or the morning of?

OP update shows she had reminded him at least twice in the week before do basically he just couldn't be arsed

This.

We don’t even exchange gifts or cards for birthdays in our house, but I have no idea how “good” DH is with birthdays because we generally have talked about a birthday in the lead up (shall we get a cake in, are we booking the day off, when will we see parents that week) so neither of us would forget as we’d have plans made around it.

We are both prone to missing our anniversary though. We both know the date it asked but it creeps round and sometimes we miss the date itself, or are reminded when we were sent a card but that’s because we don’t celebrate it. I just genuinely can’t imagine going to bed the night before my birthday and not having said something that day about it being my birthday the next day.

Order 2 of the things you sent him links for, make him pay (if you have shared finances, make him do the paying, for the feel of it)

And in future use your words when you are disappointed about something.

This makes me so sad for you. Editing as I pushed the button too quickly..

I wouldn't match his energy or whatever, that's a miserable and petty race to the bottom.

I'd tell him how disappointing it is that he ignored everything you asked for. Tell him it is a shitty symbol of how he views your wishes.

Ask him what his plan is to MASSIVELY make it up to you and improve his response overall to your wishes and desires.

Happy big milestone birthday!!! Sorry to hear you didnt get the birthday experience you wanted.

Im afraid most men are forgetful about birthdays and anniversaries etc... for my big birthday, i just outright told my DH and kept reminding him..i made sure the whole house knew because i know i would have been disappointed. I shouldnt have to but its better this way, no disappointments from all sides. Chalk it up to experience and remind and remind again.

Id probably lay on the guilt trip and say he owes you one. Get him to take you away for a holiday.

Sorry but I fail to see how he could have forgot? How long has he known you??
I wouldn't sulk and leave him in the doghouse no, I'd tell him in no uncertain terms what an arsehole he was and I'd honestly be thinking how much I wanted to be with someone that couldn't be arsed to 'remember' my birthday.

By big birthday do you mean 30th / 40th /50th?

For non-big birthdays I wouldn’t particularly expect a meal out planned with out my involvement or a big pressie. But it’s all to do with what’s normal for you and your family and relationship.

Does it feel like he’s checked out of the relationship in other ways? Are you happy, other than this?

Yes, this.
Especially in a long term marriage.
Husband is 75 and would never forget, unless of course one day he forgets everything.
🥴

I don't think you should have to remind him at all. FFS, not just a birthday but a big one? If you put it in the family calendar, that should be enough.

No doghouse big enough IMHO.