AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

I realise that now! Thanks x

You don’t need to do anything about the face she’s pissed off. I’m just saying…
Clearly she has her issues but even someone without issues would find £20 a week for a step child a lot so she’s clearly going to be more offended given she’s skint!

weight loss initially is what she said to my BF.

She’s hardly a step mum. She only met the girls four months ago, and is not living with their dad.

Thanks for that input.

You’re just ignoring the step parents who think you are unreasonable and this is a useful excuse for that

I’m not ignoring them- just no one has said anything of note

Ok but you do concede then that you are supporting him financially? I know on the surface it doesn’t look like it, but you are. If you’re happy to, then that’s fine but that’s still what’s going on.

You also didn’t answer my question, how many of the 16 weeks that you’ve known these girls have you been giving them money? It might be a clue as to why their mum (addict or not) isn’t pleased.

At this point you are a relative stranger, 18m is a new relationship and 4 months is VERY new for meeting someone’s kids. As I said in my first reply, I appreciate you are trying to be kind but you are not anywhere near a step parent unless you’ve missed out the part where you got married last week and you actually live together.

I say this with the best of intentions for you and those girls, please consider the implications of being so financially involved so soon.

It shouldn’t be about you taking this personally though, it should be about the girls. It’s actually a really hard thing to do, to put the kids first, it’s not about your ego. I mean the word ego, in the true sense of it, not as an insult. It’s human to want to think of yourself as a kind person doing nice things, but in this situation, it’s not as simple as that. It’s about them.

Not one single person has given you any genuinely useful advice?

I’ll add, I’m a step parent and we have a blended family.

Many, many people have pointed out that you are not their step mum. Your hope that you have a future with their dad does not make you a step parent. You are their dad’s girlfriend and you are massively overstepping the boundaries.

The fact that you are choosing to ignore that doesn’t mean it isn’t an important issue, it means you don’t want to hear it.

And you’re using the old trope of ‘mumsnet hates stepmums ‘ when (although it’s true at times), this is not one of those times.

No one has said anything that has made me think I should stop giving the girls pocket money

I think it is one of those times.

It is that simple though. I do it because I care about them. Simple.

I give the girls pocket money- other than that we split 50/50 days out , meals etc .

I’ve been giving them pocket money for about ten weeks ish now I would say

I see you do want to do good, but it is too much money, for kids you just met. May be their mother has another financial plan and finance educational plan for them....please, leave that situation alone and back off.

She’s a drug addict who is meant to have her kids every other weekend,and that has to be with the grandmother present. She manages once a month, on average. There’s no plan; financial, educational or anything else!

I totally agree . Also people are very disparaging about dads ‘girlfriend’. Heaven forbid she became a wife. Don’t forget if she has his children (the kids siblings )they will be just some ‘random child’ they didn’t ask for ,born to disrupt their lives .

It’s not, because you’re not their step mum you are their dad’s gf who has known them a matter of weeks.

It’s lovely you care about them. It’s lovely that you want to be “fair”. But please consider some of the wider implications of what you’re doing (and I’m not even talking about what their mum thinks). The fact that your partner hasn’t stopped to consider how he would keep up the level of pocket money that you have accustomed them to if you were to split, for instance, is concerning. It’s not something I would ever have allowed for my kids from their step dad at such an early stage in our relationship.

I’m sorry to be blunt but nothing seems to be connecting with you. You’re role playing this and there’s no point anyone trying to have a reasonable discussion with you because it’s all about you and your fantasy life.

This is risky for the kids and they should be the priority

@sohappens Mum doesn't have the means to be as generous, and I'm sure you can imagine this might make her feel a bit 'threatened' for want of a better word. You sound like a lovely, generous woman, but it seems as though you are underestimating how well off you are.

£80 a week on pocket money for the kids? Some people don't have that much money to spend on everything.

No, but I’m in the category for bashing. I used the term “step” daughter in the title for brevity. I’m not trying to be their mum- I’m very much their dad’s girlfriend. BUT- I think they’re awesome. They are lovely and kind and all 4 kids like each other. It could all go horribly wrong I get that , but now, it’s working and we’re happy. Considering their lives exploded when they were 4 and 8 , they are well adjusted and coping with a shitty situation - and this is down to their dad being a really great guy. He’s never once said anything negative to the girls about their mum. She ruined him. Mentally and financially. He’s nearly paid off their mortgage and she remortgaged behind his back, took loans out in joint names and so much more. He’s recovering from the financial abuse and if I can spoil the girls a bit while he can’t then why not?

I’ve been giving them pocket money for about ten weeks ish now I would say

You've been giving children you met four months ago pocket money for more than two months... and you cannot see why people think that is inappropriate and far, far too soon?

my “fantasy life” ? Explain