AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

What are these red flags then ?

Perhaps because she wants to know how much money they have access to and what they spend on. Having that much money at a young age, can lead to spending it on things their mother may not approve of.

I'm surprised your boyfriend is comfortable with it. You might like these kids but you barely know them. It doesn't sound like you live together - utterly weird you just giving these kids pocket money IMO.

I also think it's strange that you are putting these children you hardly know on an equal footing with your own children. That is a sure-fire way to breed resentment IMO. And then they'll also feel bad because it's the "kind" thing to do, to treat almost strangers as equal to your own children.

You’ve been repeatedly told that you’re giving them too much money, too soon, and you’ve attributed that to envy. You’ve also repeatedly contradicted yourself and dripfed info to make yourself seem more reasonable. Frankly, you sound immature and if any of this post is real, you don’t appear to have the intellectual or emotional capacity to deal with children who have come from such a traumatic background.

But crack on throwing money out there, I’m sure it’ll all work out nicely for you.

Red flag umpteenth

You're willing to cause trouble for your BF in his co-parenting and going high conflict with his ex will cause issues for his kids. That's not a very nice thing to do to someone you claim to love or to his kids.

You didn’t know what jealousy was earlier, chill out

That's what I was thinking. Everything about this OP's (many) posts sounds like they were written by a very (very) young person. Certainly not someone old enough to have their own kids.

Yeah, yeah, course she does.

Obviously - you're giving his kids £40 a week so he must be making even more off you!

£80-£100 each child just to waste money on things like Roblox. Sorry but this is absolutely insane amount of pocket money. Kids are going to grow up with no understanding of the concept of money and be entitled and spoiled

‘It’s my love language’ 🤣🤣🤣

‘Genuinely not sure if I’m wrong or not’
oh but if you think I am you’re all jealous of me because I’m rich!
🤑

She doesn’t want to respect the mother. She wants to show how much better than the mother she is. How the mother takes drugs and can’t provide for her children while she, the OP, is rich and oh so generous!

They aren’t your children!!! THAT is why you are being unreasonable!! You don’t go giving other peoples children £160 a month without the parents permission! It’s a really weird thing to think that it is acceptable to normal to harm over hundreds of pounds a month to children who aren’t yours

You are trying to buy their affection and make them like you

Agreed

Which is wonderful, and you're so thoughtful and generous to share that with the kids. I saw upthread that you seemed confused as to why some posters were reacting as they were.

I don't quite get why OP is getting such a kicking on this thread, or why everyone is paying so little attention to their dad's right to make decisions about his own kids in the time he has them!

But what really puzzles me is how little everyone gives their kids!

I understand if money is tight, you can't afford to give them much and that's fair enough. But it sounds like a lot of you just don't believe in giving kids much spending money, even teenagers, as a point of principle. Can I ask why?

I saw one lady suggested £4.55 for a 13 year old. My 13 year old isn't a social butterfly particularly, but I would say she goes out with friends on average once a week, I think that is normal! If she only had £4.55 a week that would basically be gone at McDonald's or wherever they go for food/drinks when she sees her friend.

It would take her two weeks of no spending to save up for a book.

If she wanted say a t-shirt from HMV or something, she would literally have to save and spend nothing else for over a month.....

People mention spending £20 on sweets or toys - but teenagers don't, do they? They go out with friends, they buy books, music, clothes, makeup. All normal healthy teenage expenses.

I just don't understand how your teenagers are doing life on such little amounts? Maybe you prefer to buy them most stuff yourselves?

But that isn't giving much autonomy or teaching them much about budgeting and money.

Did the OP stop trying to groom her boyfriends kids yet?

You must be very uncaring if you can't see why. You keep asking this same question!
Their Mum might not be able to give the same amount and you are trying to out do her.

OP if you agreed this with the dad then you did nothing wrong. I agree with others that it’s too much though. DD16 gets 20 a week to budget her college lunches etc.

Apart from that I’ll give you some advice.
Ive been a lone parent and high earner for 15 years. Partner and I only just bought/blended after 5 years together.

We waited because teen years are hard and we waited for a really good moment.
I think a little pocket money, holidays together etc are a good way to build trust and relationships but take it slow.

@TheyRepulseMe What is it you think she is trying to groom then into doing?

You’re over stepping. I wouldn’t want my young kids having access to that amount.

Oh don't be so vile. Nobody is grooming anybody here. No need to use words like that.

I don't see the issue that so many are protesting about here.

While it is a relatively short relationship, the OP and her partner clearly see it being for the long term. OP speaks highly of her DP and his devotion to his low paying but socially important job.

The girls' mum in theory has them EOW, but in practice it's often only once a month. The rest of the time they are with OP and her DP. So their father should have the main say in how they are treated. If he sees no problem that should be it.

Yes £20 a week is a lot. But OP can clearly afford it. The girls are responsible with the money, they don't waste it all. And when they live there basically full time I completely understand that OP wants to treat them equally with her own sons. I think to treat the girls differently would be unfair.

I wonder if the addict mum is just jealous that they have that money that she would like to spend on drugs.