AIBU to spend on my ‘step’ daughters?

[sohappens]

Genuinely not sure if I’m in the wrong or not! Brief backstory - met my boyfriend 18 months ago. All good and very happy. We introduced our kids into it about 4 months ago. Again all good, we all get along. I have two boys aged 10 and 13, he has 2 girls similiar ages. I’m a high earner, he isn’t. This isn’t an issue, he pays his way and works hard in a job he loves- it’s a role that serves vulnerable people and he’s amazing at it. Anyway the issue is his ex (the girls’ mum). I give my boys £20 each a week pocket money. Once we all started spending time together as a family, I started giving the same to the girls. They’re all sensible ish with the money. They spend it on shit on Roblox but they all save too. The mum only found out when the girls brought her a £50 birthday present and she asked where they got the money from. She’s gone mad about it- saying I’m trying to buy their love and that it’s too much money for their ages. She has demanded that I stop. What do you think?

And nothing that anyone has said has made you consider, just at least consider, even if discounted, that this might not just be about the pocket money when considering their well-being?

And do you think that people that are saying these things all have a nasty ulterior motive, or that just possibly we might be trying to give a little objective advice, given it’s often easier to do that from the outside.

Not really no. And it’s 57% of the replies that think I’m AIBU. The other 43% think it’s fine.

Why is their wellbeing at risk?

I can spoil the girls a bit while he can’t then why not?

Because you should be considering the bigger picture of the potential major impact of your short relationship with them going wrong.

You should, as an adult in their life, be being considerate of the fact they've already had a lot of turmoil in their lives and minimising any potential future impact of you leaving their lives. Not taking a parental role (which giving pocket money absolutely is - it's something parents or grandparents do) after a matter of weeks.

I appreciate that- and I’ve been broke before so I have perspective. But I can afford it now

If she isn't the main carer then ask the main carer if he is okay with it. If he agrees then carry on as normal. If be thinks it's too much then reduce everyone's to £10 per week.

As has been said a number of times, you’ve only known these girls for a few months and it’s likely they have quite a bit of trauma given what you’ve told us about their mother.

Obviously, I’m sure you’re hoping to be in their lives for the long run, but it’s very early days for you. Any situation that creates more change in these girls’s lives is probably not in their best interests.

If their dad has a problem with it, or asked for it to stop then I would stop immediately

But then we’d never do anything… no holidays I. Case we split up, no days out I. Case we split up. As parents who have made the decision to mix our family we have to be confident in our ability to mage the situation if the worst happened. To be honest the girls would most likely be more upset about losing me and my boys than the pocket money

I love the people saying that you’re not a family after 18 months, how long do you have to wait?

I married my husband 6 months after we met and he definitely met my children before the wedding 😂

We’ve been married almost 15 years and he’s more of a father to my kids than their biological dad, in fact he gained PR over them after 11 months, which is more than their biological father had (his choice).

Not everyone is the devil and just because you may have had a bad experience or your husband left and the kids prefer his wife, don’t take it out on people who just want to be nice to kids who you’re going to be living with.

Ah lovely. Glad it all worked out for you and your family x

You have been with this fella for a few months, met his kids a few weeks ago. You’re hopeful about a future together so have jumped in with both feet. Calling yourself a step parent, giving pocket money. All because you really like him and them and hope you’ll have a future together.

I never called myself their step parent. You really should read the thread before you comment and make yourself look silly.
We have been together for a year and a half.
You come across and angry and unhappy.

I’ve read all your posts, you back tracked on the title in one of your later posts after being challenged.

I have no concerns about looking silly. I know what 18 months is, no time at all.

I’m also neither angry nor unhappy, I’m an experienced and very happy step mum and grandma who can see that the fantasy of a lovely new family is not usually the reality of life, it’s far more complex than you (general you not you) think it’s going to be, boundaries and respect for the other parent and the child’s relationship with them is incredibly important and without it - the future holds challenges.

No. I never backtracked. I simply never referred to myself as a their step mum. You’re wrong.

There Is no fantasising going on here. Just two people who have met and fell in love and trying to do the best for our kids.

I hope you can find similar happiness too.

I think in general it’s too early for most of those things, you’re so new in their lives, it sounds like the pocket money is the least of it then. But I do hope it works out regardless.

And I’m absolutely sure they would be more upset about losing you and your boys. I mean, that’s the whole point really. That’s what we’re trying to say.

I love the people saying that you’re not a family after 18 months, how long do you have to wait?

She only met the kids a few months ago, that’s what people are referring to. I’m glad it worked out well for you though. I don’t think anyone thinks anyone in this situation is the devil, just it’s really complex and moving quite quickly.

we’ve been together for 18 Months! It’s unrealistic to wait any longer. And if we split up they will survive ! Ffs couples split up all the Time.

🤣🤣🤣 25 years in, we’re doing alright thanks 🤣🤣🤣

You called them your step daughters, that makes you their step mum.

Much as I’m loving your attempts to treat me like a naive and desperate woman who can only hope to achieve what you have, I have stuff to do.

Not before you found the time to reply though eh? Xx

Guys, this is clearly an antagonistic, troll post.

OP clearly doesn't have the brains or maturity to actually be a 'high earner'

That's enough internet for the day, everyone.

It's just a weird, fetish driven troll.

Are you ok?

Absolutely fine Hun, you're the one who's losing your mind.

You’re the one engaging with a weird internet troll, Hun.

So, you're admitting your a weird internet troll?

Deary me. I think you need to go to bed.