No not have a party or a holiday abroad for my 50th birthday

[CoffeeCakeCreamy]

I'm 50 in November. I've planned a family dinner in a restaurant a few days beforehand and another meal in a really nice restaurant with my siblings on the day itself, then later in the month with friends. Will buy myself something nice. I'm happy with this, but some people seem to think I should be doing more - a party, big holiday or something.

AIBU to be happy to celebrate like this?

Exactly this. It's like the big, all-out wedding. Where attendance requires travel, a hotel, an expensive gift and a fancy outfit. And a refused invitation is taken low-key as an insult.

A textbook example of churlishness is that response you just gave. If you’re that resentful of buying gifts and attending parties for your “friends”, I’m surprised you have any.

I did exactly what I wanted for my 50th - I went to Chester Zoo.

I'm old enough to do exactly what I want, not being beholden to the expectations of others. Do what you fancy, OP!

It’s literally up to no one but you. I didn’t even go out for dinner. I spent the day hosting a lengthy play date for my 11 year old’s friends. I wasn’t feeling it. A friend who turned 50 shortly after had a huge party. Another did 7 marathons in seven days on seven continents. Another went on a silent retreat weekend. One never mentioned her birthday.

I’m glad you arent my friend. What a horrible way to talk about her. You don’t seem to like her at all.
People who like parties can have parties. If people don’t like parties, they don’t have to attend.

Expecting other people to do things is unreasonable . Having multiple holidays and inviting others is not.

Requires?
Say no and don’t go.
The idea that anyone having a party is self obsessed and demanding is frankly bonkers. It’s perfectly normal - I wouldn’t do it, but I don’t make any judgement about people who do! Especially if they are my friends. I don’t know about you but I’m very fond of my friends and if they want to have a big party and that makes them happy, then I’m happy for them and attend if I can.

I wanted a big party for my 50th. But...COVID lockdown.

Celebrate how you want to!

How is it churlish?

As I've said they are free to do what ever they like.

If you interpret what I've said as me being " resentful.of buying gifts and attending parties" then I think your powers of comprehenion need honing.

How could you possibly be unreasonable to celebrate your birthday like this if you’re happy with it? 🤷🏻‍♀️

I'm not a party person so to me a meal with my close family is just what I want. I am going to a nice restaurant rather than having a takeaway so it's more special for a big birthday.

I wouldn't say we don't make a fuss of birthdays in my family, we do nice food and presents so on but we are all quite introverted people so it is always pretty low key and we do stick to a sensible budget, partly because we have to.

A birthday is about you and your life so it should be celebrated in a way that reflects what you like to do.

@cardibach

The idea that anyone having a party is self obsessed and demanding is frankly bonkers.

Yes it would be bonkers if any one was actually saying that. But they aren't. As you well know.

It seems so self absorbed that you would think other people would be interested in your birthday unless you are 4.
One friend had a "birthday year" for her 60th. Multiple parties, spa weekend, holidays etc.

I love to buy a gift and say happy birthday but that's enough.

Nope, you’ve made yourself very clear and there’s nothing wrong with my comprehension skills.

Thats plenty, dont know why you would need a third thing. Its only a birthday!

Exactly.
Up to them.
Lots of people like parties.

No, I don’t know that.
@Mum2twoandacockapoo wrote “the self indulgence that parties bring makes me cringe”
@isitmyturn wrote “It seems so self absorbed that you would think other people would be interested in your birthday unless you are 4”
@Slightyamusedandsilly wrote “It makes me cringe too. It's like saying 'Everyone should celebrate me! Look how important I am!'”
You wrote “Perhaps because making an enormous fuss about their birthday and by implication expecting other people to make an enormous of them says something about their self obsession?” - although you did then claim you meant people having multiple parties.
Everyone else was definitely talking about simply having a party for your birthday. Like I’ve said, a party wouldn’t be my choice, and OP’s plans sound brilliant to me, but you can’t claim that lots of people on this thread haven’t suggested celebrating your birthday with anyone but your nearest relatives (and possibly not even them) is self obsessed.

It seems so self absorbed that you would think other people would be interested in your birthday unless you are 4.
Well I'm interested in my friend's and my families and enjoy doing things with them on their birthdays. Why not? When a lot of things in the world can make you feel a bit joyless, its nice to be around families and friends celebrating with them.

I keep in mind that ive lost quite a few family and friends in the last 5 years so although their days are gone I can still celebrate and make the most of those still with us! ( that sounds more morbid than I intended it to!)

One friend had a "birthday year" for her 60th. Multiple parties, spa weekend, holidays etc.
Many of our group turned 60 this year and some next. We made a pact last year to do something like this and its been great. Weve enjoyed planning and doing different things. We've had great fun. Again, why not if it makes people happy?

Really? Birthdays are getting out of hand, or rather expectations. 2 meals with family and seeing friends seems a lot to me. Not sure when the term “big birthday” was coined but they really weren’t a big deal until fairly recently, 40th being the exception

I agree, too. My grandmother was very social and she loved getting all the family together and seeing the long lost cousins. It wasn't that she wanted it all about her, it was her treat to see everyone and she thought parties were a lot of fun.

gosh with best friends like you who needs enemies

That’s all a bit in the eye if the beholder isn’t it? What’s wrong with wanting lots of fun things around your birthday? As long as you don’t put pressure on anyone else to join it’s fine. I had a 60 for 60 list of things I wanted to do for mine last year - still not through them all. I find one then ask if anyone wants to join me. If nobody does, I do it alone. It’s been fab.
I went out for dinner twice with different friend/family groups around my actual birthday - largely because people are busy and not everyone could make the same dates. Also fab. Nobody was under any pressure to pay for anything they didn’t want to or to buy me a present. In fact only people who normally buy me something did, so the others obviously didn’t feel pressure that it was ‘special’.

Fucking hell some people have joy in their lives sorry that makes you feel embarrassed

I've read this and it made me cry. I've just turned 40 two days ago. My husband was a darling and took me and the kids out for dinner and me to a lovely facial spa treatment after. My best friend sent flowers but was too busy to do anything else. She has people coming over in 2 weeks time so apparently that means she's too stressed to do anything for me. One sibling called and is sending a gift. My mum texted me and I'll see her tomorrow but doubt she's got much planned. That's it. That's the height of what I matter to the world. So all this to say, I think no, you're not being unreasonable to want things the way you want them if that's what makes you happy. I'd have loved a party but nobody would have come. Your 30th 40th 50th etc are supposed to be a big deal. That's why you put up with all the ones in between being basically just another day, isn't it?

Happy 40th x