Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

Or both

I don't think that I have ever been used for sex.

I have never felt "ghosted" after a dozen dates and sex.

Because i go into things with a similiar mindnset - to the men that I am with.

We set clear expecations at the start. Its the best way.

Eg. The guy i am seeing now - we agreed that we are casually dating. Neither of us want a serious relationship. Neither of us want it to be just sex.
We go for dates - cinema, dinner , walks, we have sex.

However if he disappeared after a month and stopped texting me, i would not be hurt, i would not feel "ghosted" as we have both agreed that it will not be a serious relationship. So i am prepared for him to leave if he wants and vice versa. So if he stopped seeing me , i wouldnt feel "ghosted" and i wouldnt be hurt.

I think these men were married 20+ years and now have no idea how to date women now they’re single again when their only experiences were decades ago when we were young and foolish

It’s like they’re reverted back to being 20 something fuckboys and have zero idea about what mature women are looking for - tbh most of them
looking for a nurse with a purse anyway

You really, really don’t want to get involved with someone so anxious and needy and intense.

His insecurities are not your responsibility.

No need to bend over backwards to explain your concerns, no need to tie yourself in knots protecting your boundaries. Just bail.

The more you interact with someone like this the more they cling. Get shot.

@TwistedWonder "nurse with a purse"

Love it 😆

I've done a fair bit of dating and haven't previously had this issue where I am being pushed for home dates very early on like this, usually things just happens naturally and the other person seems to be able to read the room. Agree with posters, perhaps I need to be more direct, however people can generally pick up on signals like this regarding people's comfort levels so I'm wondering why he is not. Maybe he's used to having first or second date sex with all past partners and expects this?!

A good point.

When I used OLD just prior to Lockdown, you could see the rise in fake profiles too. I never got inundated with dick pics or the like. Again, I seem to have been lucky.

I met my partner via OLD and the attraction for us both was pretty instant.

A couple of male friends also tried OLD and would come to me for advice as they didn't understand what the women they were hoping to date wanted and were under the impressioni that the women were keeping their options open. Men seem to think that women are inundated with matches and have a lot of choice.

Seems men and women don't always know what the other wants or expects.

None of this has to do with women’s lib. It’s bonkers to suggest some link between increasing equality, autonomy and liberation for women, and women having no interest in a casual sex encounter and wanting to filter out men seeking the opposite.

It really doesn’t. Not one solitary sexual encounter.

You’re still getting it. It’s not about whether wanting / not wanting sex is a problem.

It’s about mismatched desires as to the context within which you want sex that is a problem. If one wants casual and one wants long term that’s an issue.

@AquaForce

One said that if I didn't guarantee up front to shag on the next (second) date, he wasn't wasting any more time on me. Some have been exasperated at me refusing to take them home after a first date. I was once told it was like dating a teenager and was ditched after date number two. I nearly choked at dinner when one asked when I thought we'd start having sex.
I hardly knew any of these men. I refuse to be nudged into something I don't want to do. I'm not taking a stranger home or going to there's if I don't want to either.
I heard someone (a woman!) online say women my age (40+) should have sex on the first date as we're too old to be worth waiting for. So there's that..

Dear God! Wine, a dog and celibacy sounds a lot better than that!

(And that first guy - I would bet a house deposit had you fallen for his manipulation attempt he would have ghosted you immediately after sex.)

A lot of stories I hear about a lot women’s interaction with men in the dating pool it just reminds me of sex worker friends of mine talking about experiences with clients. Just men seeking sex and sex alone but the men going with my sex worker friends are more honest / less tight-fisted.

Meh. Sounds like he thinks he's already paid for it with that round.

I disagree that it is bonkers.

Are (some of) the women deciding not to pursue casual sex doing so because that is what we are taught (as women)?

Of course, it might just be preference but some women do enjoy casual sex too. But might worry that in saying so, get labelled and so wait for X dates until it is deemed socially acceptable. Other women just wish to wait and need deeper connection. That's fine too. My argument being that in some cultures women have been conditioned and should be free to choose.

Of course women have a right to filter out men seeking the opposite of what they want. As do men. If wants are mismatched then that isn't going to work.

True. The more somebody shows who they are early, the better!

Why is it wrong for a man to want sex quickly, but it is not wrong for a woman to not want sex quickly?

He is wanting one thing. She is wanting another thing.

Neither of them are wrong. Its different wants.

Its like two friends. One wants to go the cinema, one wants to go to the pub. Neither of them are wrong.

I would ask him straight out if he’s expecting intimacy and say that you’re not ready for that yet. If he ghosts you, he was a prick anyway.

Because she has said she doesn’t want a date at home and he keeps pushing for it and getting put out. So he is wrong.

I have had a wank video before. Before our first date. He thought I would like to know how turned on he was by me the day before our date the following day.

I cancelled the date and blocked him. So gross!

I also had the guy who tried to drag me out of a taxi on our first date (I had the good sense to direct the taxi driver to drive us to his first) to his apartment ripping my top in the process. The poor taxi driver had to intervene.

I blocked him too.

He is either cock lodger, sex user or a pest
I also do not understand the term < long term >, like literally he wants long term but how long? Why not if he is so pushy, you give him all your check box and see are you really a good match.

Just be mothers? What happened to the fathers?

Why are you blaming women for how grown adult men choose to behave?

He literally tried to force you out of the taxi? So hard he tore your clothes and you needed to be helped? That's got to be criminal.

I think one reason why so many men can be so disgusting in dating is because they're doing what they'd find appealing in a woman. If the woman they've been seeing sent a sexy video of herself masturbating to the thought of him, they'd go wild, and they're too stupid to realise that it very rarely works the other way round.

He hasnt pushed for it. He has given her options every time. He asked what she wants to do. Would she rather go to her home or go out to dinner for example

yes and this is why you have to make a check box what do you want from a relationship ...and stand by it, like a moral principle, otherwise everyone up and down the road will try and get a slice if your time, body or money

Have a look at the relationship boards and at the type of feckless fathers some females pick - that's your answer !

Yes but if you are a woman, we still live in a world where a decent man will pay the bill when you go out....so you can date. It just depends who...that is the problem really