Men suggesting home dates early on

[Sunshine386]

I met a guy online, been on a couple of dates in pubs, seem to get on well and have kissed at the end of both dates. He seems to be looking for something longer term.

Thing is, he is really pushing for home dates. He even suggested it as an option for the second date, saying he could come to mine to cook or I could go to his, but he also suggested pub dates which we did. There is some distance between where we live so I don't know if that's partly why he suggested coming to mine to make things easier for me. However I was taken aback by the suggestion this early on.

I am all for this intimacy if I'm seeing someone for a bit, but it's been two meetings, and I am in the phase where I want to get to know someone over a few dates and see if they are the right fit. He's suggested home dates again for a third meeting but also given a meal out as an option, saying home dates are a good way of getting to know each other. He looked slightly put out when I wanted to go out somewhere. He also said he's away dog sitting for a couple of days at another house and even suggested casually that I could go there with him.

Would anyone else find this a little pushy this early on and off putting, and like he is trying to rush things? Surely if you've suggested home dates once and the person is not going for it you should just wait for them to give the green light. For me I would want to be inviting someone from online for a home date maybe 5th or 6th date minimum

He also did say in the interests of saving money about the home date, however he is a man with a reasonable job and no kids so I've no idea why he would be skint.

I know I'm supposed to think this is sensible etc etc, but I don't. I don't need a man to shower me with expensive gifts but my God I am so turned off by a man who is supposed to be dating and at some point presumably looking to seduce me, talking about how little he can spend on doing it. I know a woman who always talks about how little she spent when she buys you a gift, or if you compliment something of hers, the only thing she will talk about is how little she spent on it. It may be sensible, or not shallow, or whatever, but I don't care. It's deeply unsexy.

When the OP wants to and feels comfortable.

I was replying to the poster who said that any man who wants to go back to a house on the second date, is a red flag.

I asked her what her standard is.
3, 4, 5 dates?

For me it was when I knew it was going to be something serious. You can't know that after two dates. I was never in the process of letting some rando know where I live, I think that's just sensible.

I was dating my DH for 4 months, before I let him into my house. I had been round his a few times before this. Most of our early dates were day dates at the weekend, a walk around St Albans cathedral and dinner, a day trip to the beach etc. When things got more serious he would pick me up from work on my lunch hour so we could share a coffee.

The first time we spent the night together was at Coombe Abbey maybe a month into dating. So I'm no prude as we were having sex, just it was on neutral ground, because that is what I felt most comfortable with at the start.

I'd highly recommend Hand Picked Hotels. 😉

That is the timeline you want, good for you.

In my opinion, I dont think when you have sex, is a big factor in a relationship becoming serious or not. If you had sex at three weeks, instead of four weeks, he probably would still be with you

I know a couple who had sex on the first date, who are now married for a long time.

I know a woman who waited a month to have sex with a man. They are now broken up

I don't think waiting to have sex is relevant either... That isn't the topic though.

The topic is about letting someone into your home. Why any woman would let a man they don't know into their house is beyond me but we are all different...

As explained you can meet up for a shag on neutral ground, it's often more romantic and exciting.

First post nails it.

But there is also a risk factor to being alone with someone you barely know in his or your home.

Yes i agree with that about not letting a stranger into your house.

The first couple of times that i had sex with the man that i am seeing now- we stayed in an air b and b

Ok so we are on the same page then. That's why this guy is a red flag because he is pushing to go around OP's house after 2 dates!

It depends on money too.

He is probably broke too. If he could afford a hotel he would prob get one

I mean - he doesnt sound the worst. But he doesn't sound fantastic OP so far from whatyou have written.

What do you like about him?

Well that would just be another red flag for me. If you aren't solvent by 35 I'd question why.

I disagree that its a red flag, as a lot of people cant control their financial cicumstances.

My friend aged 36, was quite wealthy last year. Then she suddenly got made redundant and she was thrown into poverty.

So its not a red flag in that people become poor through no fauly of their own.

But i know that most women would prefer to date rich men, not poor men. That is a preference for a lot of women.

A lot of people marry for money, not love.

Men do it too.

A man i worked with went on a dating site last year.

He has now moved in with a woman - who owns her own house.

He met her on the dating site.

He "joked " with us that he went on the dating site to look for a house, not a woman.

My idiotic ex was recently complaining how all the women he dates want marriage and commitment and that’s why he breaks things off with them. He said he only wants a bit of casual fun. I asked him why he doesn’t match with women who also want casual fun, and he said he doesn’t want that sort of woman.

Men make no sense sometimes. They call women who have casual sex - sluts. Then they complain that women won't have casual sex with them

Well she wasn't quite wealthy was she.

The double standard is alive and well. it seems 🙄

She was certainly wealthier when she was working. Then after she got made redundant. After she was made redundant she couldnt get a job for a year.

Tight and pushy is not a great combination, at all. If the attraction is so overwhelming that you start tearing each others clothes off on Date 1 (the key words being "each others") that's fine, but I'm not getting that the OP feels like this.

Go with your gut instinct @Sunshine386 .

This!

I used to invite men for a home date precisely because I was up for sex.

Of course he wants to be indoors in private with beds as this is when sex likely happens

just say I’d prefer to meet outdoors until we’re at the stage where we’re sleeping together

Maybe he is just not having sex at all.

I think a couple of things could be going on, most likely A) he wants sex, and to be fair, when I was younger "third date" was assumed (not sure why, it just was) - so maybe he's holding to that timescale, which is clearly not for you B) is he always paying when you go out? If he is, then maybe he's pissed off at having to pay every time and is looking for a cheaper option, or maybe he's got financial issues he isn't comfortable sharing, so even if splitting the bill he's skint and stressed about it.
I do also think men are quite naive to how women think about intimacy and safety. Inviting a man you've only met 2-3 times into your home, or going to theirs, is very risky for so many safety reasons. Whenever I mention this to men they seem really surprised it's even a factor/thought process.

I'd be really open and honest "Hi John, appreciate you keep mentioning a date at mine/yours. Honestly, I'm just not open to that for at least 4 or 5 more dates, I'm enjoying getting to know you, but I'm not there yet and won't be for a little while. If you're after intimacy quickly, I'm not your woman unfortunately. If it's purely financial, how about we grab coffee, my treat, on xyz day and we can maybe have a walk and a drink another day to save us buying dinner so often"