To think we spend too long ‘parenting’ now, and it’s turned young adults into eternal children?

[Nescafeneeded]

It’s all in the title really. I read endless posts on here from parents whose 20 something year old is ‘depressed’ and doesn’t work, and is waited on hand and foot by mum and dad (usually mum) all day who is convinced they need care and a softly softly approach.

AIBU to wonder if it’s a bit chicken and egg - these kids lives have been comfortable and cosseted for so long they’re failing to launch as they’ve never had to do anything through necessity, and this looks like depression in 20 year olds as they spend all their time gaming and on tech in their rooms etc?

I was a very depressed teen (CAMHS, SSRIs, self harm etc) but left at 18 with the contents of my child savings account and expected to find work and look after myself which I did, I’m now an independent and responsible adult. I really think if my parents had still ‘parented’ me at that age I would’ve just let them and never left home or done anything for myself.

@shuggles

Contrary to what mumsnet thinks, one of the biggest influences in the lives of teenagers and young men is women. Men will do a plethora of things with 'women' being the sole motivation. Therefore, in their teens and early 20s, young men generally ventured out into pubs and clubs, and socialised, hoping to find women they liked.

The issue nowadays is that a lot of young men have discovered that women don't like them very much. So where do you go, or what do you do, when women don't like you? The answer is nowhere. So instead, young men will pour their energy into hobbies, video games, work etc.

I think that's a load of nonsense.

.

YADNBU. The extended childhood/adolescence that so many young people experience these days does them no favours whatsoever. Independence, responsibility, and freedom at younger ages should be encouraged, which consequently will have the effect of building confidence and self-esteem.

My oldest 22 is at university working and is planning on living with her boyfriend when she leaves. My 19 year old is planning on going to university next year and then she will love in another country. My 17 year old works at McDonald's and is planning to do the same as her older sisters. I think it's exciting that they are living their lives and are making plans and saving and investing in their future. No nonsense approach and tough love has got them there.

Yes and almost always women, no blaming the patriarchy for this one.

That was my first thought I wonder where she lives.

One of mine left for Uni and never came home to live again. One stayed until he got a girlfriend and could afford to rent together. The last one is still at home and I can’t see him ever moving out, he’s on his degree now and intends to do a masters and PhD. All have had to get a weekend job in the last year of school, I insisted on it

@Upsidedownagain

Moving out is very difficult for many young people these days. And why is it a necessity? Multi generational living is not necessarily a bad thing. I expected to be independent after university and I was, bar about 8 months aged 23 when I returned home, working locally, until I secured a professional position elsewhere. As did all my friends.

There's nothing wrong with living at home/with parents til your late 20s/early 30s, if you're working, and contributing to the family finances, and helping with domestic chores, and cooking now and again, and doing the washing etc... The OP (and many other posters) are talking about people who completely fail to launch. Don't leave home, can't work/won't work, don't lift a finger to help in the house, lie in bed til middday, and expect mummy to do everything for them. Girls/women do this yes, but boys/men are more likely to do it, and to do it for longer.....

No but she's assumed everyone gets the MH support she had. They don't.

Over the last 20 years we have become a nanny run society. My parents felt no pressure back in the 80's and 90's these days mothers especially feel the pressure to continue raising their adult children. It's ridiculous.

Curious as to why you’ve asked the question - do you have young adult kids, or is it something you’re worried about in the future for younger children?

Or just a general gripe?

@PersephoneParlormaid

he can still move out and do a phd?

Yep, absolutely as I have also said in later posts.
My parents are older now and I support them. Of course it goes both ways.

I was a depressed teen.

that was because I had a serious medical issue which my parents didn’t acknowledge. I was in constant pain but my parents didn’t believe in doctors and also didn’t believe in painkillers so I managed without.

i tried to overdose age 15 because I didn’t want to live a life of permanent pain.

when I went to uni (and it was made very clear I wasn’t to come back) the uni medical services spotted the issue and I was referred by my uni GP and had a couple of operations.

I will never, never subject either of my children to the absolutely shit parenting that I had.

my mum had the fucking temerity to remark to me the other day that “you always were a healthy child and we had such an easy ride through the teenage years with you”.

i can’t say that about my two kids but at least they never spent their teen years in constant pain and depressed because of it.

there are worse things than doing a young adults laundry for them.

Not sure what your post has to do with mine but, yes, once my kids have jobs and can afford house shares they will both live in one - neither wants to live at home for long but until they can afford to move out they can.
I know you and others are trying to wrong foot me and prove I'm a molly-coddling parent but I'm not that at all. I am just realistic and am prepared to offer both financial and emotional support to my kids when they need it. I don't have an arbitrary cut off point for that and I'm not planning to stop them from becoming fully fledged adults.
Oh and, yes, I offer support to my elderly parents now too.

I think that covers it.

100% agree. I've met so many people well into their 20's with all of the maturity and cop on of a 15-year-old. And it is the parents' fault. In trying to give their children all the help and support they never got, a whole generation have been infantilised.

I agree to some extent op.
Even on this thread it has been mentioned that “kids” are leaving further education with huge debts. These are adults not kids and treating them as kids doesn’t help anyone.
Yes times have changed. I took on my first mortgage, with a 5% deposit, at 21, this is not an option for 21 year olds today, through no fault of their own but even if the 21 year old today still live with their parents they are adults and should be treated as such, they should have a level of responsibility that goes with adulthood

I agree, I do have a 21 year old that lives at home but they pay rent and do all their own washing. They keep different hours so do all their own cooking and clean up after themselves. Sometimes I forget they live here tbh. The only thing I ask is if they're going away, they travel a bit, to let me know. Other than that it works out surprisingly well at the moment.

My others all live at home but they're under 18 I parent them, although I am raising them to be independent... Bit of a battle with DH on that as I think he does too much for them though.

Young adults come in all shape and form and it's really not as easy to forsee those who will do well and those who will struggle.

Some teenagers/young kids suffer with mental health issues for other reasons than lack of resilience.

It can be hard to understand why others, who have grown up with little hardship and plenty of support seem ro unprepared for adult life

My kids are early and mid 20s and both are completely independent. Both work FT, live in their own place, one in a studio, the other in a house share. Both drive and have their own car. I see and speak to them anything from once a week to once every few months.

Making sure they became independent from a young age was always at the top of my parenting priorities though. They walked to and from school before their friends were allowed to. They were able to use public transport, buses and train (short journeys) by the age of 10. They were alone at home every morning needing to get themselves to school by the start of secondary school. They were told they had to get a job as soon as they finished their gcses, which they did. They worked weekends during their A levels, and PT during Uni (400 miles from home). Both got very good degrees.

They arranged and paid for their driving lessons. I helped them paying half for their cars (12 years old plus) and first year insurance.

They got jobs within a few months of finishing uni and managed all their admin and financial matters afterwards, but would contact me for advice on rental contracts, council tax, insurance, pensions etc...

They both experienced some ups and downs, and found it hard at time. I feel I was there for them during these times, but coming home and offloading on me was never an option.

They are very well balanced young people, confident yet humble and happy.

Their friends come in all shape and form. One became a dad at 18, moved with his partner to raise their child. He was a very lazy unmotivated teenagers but parenthood has changed him. He is doing brilliantly and coping admirably.

Another had the absolute ideal middle class, parents together, great school, nice activities and holidays, but he's never worked. Went to.Uni, got a good degree, but he has done nothing I the two years he's left. Lives at home, not working, not driving, not going out much at all, won't do any small jobs or says he can't get any, has dreams of great jobs in London. His parents are purring no pressure on him at all and seem to just wait for something to happen. Maybe it suddenly will. He is a clever person.

Or possibly with no kids at all but referencing what they did 15 or so years ago.🙄

yep, quite a few of these experts on mumsnet

Why was "coming home and offloading" on you never an option?
Genuine question

I left my birth country at 17 out of necessity, I would never want my kids to go though that. As I tell them, I had to go childhood on speedrun, and the greatest thing for me is that they don't have to do that.

Yes, some parents end up in difficult situations with their kids, and some of it is a rod they've made for their own back. Some of it is their children are genuinely going through a difficult time, and the idea that ideally parenting should end at 18, 22/23 max is laughable, especially with what is being considered as high level parenting.

I also feel it’s an unreasonable burden for parents. We’re still people and deserve a life after 18 years of fairly intense parenting duties.

I have three teens and a twenty something, and I haven't had 'fairly intense parenting duties' in years, and that's with helping autistic young adults deal with the many non-intuitive things in our world. Technically they all still live with me, though the oldest is only here when he's on leave, otherwise he's housed by his employer. He's called for motivational chats regularly while away and the deep hug I got when I surprised him at the train station the last time he came home on leave is a memory I'll treasure as long as I can.

The idea that helping with job search is high level parenting duty made me laugh - I'm more than happy to pass on job adverts, be a sounding board for applications and interview prep for my friends, I've done it plenty of times, so why would it be high level parenting to do that with my kids? I'm more than happy to check in and have motivational chats with my friends, and I have a lodger who I've helped out when he was depressed...

I'm not stopped from having a life doing all this, I'm not stopped living life from having my kids live in the same house, it is life.

I don’t think many kids can just fall on their feet anymore. It was easy when you could rent a room for £60 a week, eat for a tenner a week, get a job by walking into any place in town and asking for an application form and have a good night out with free entry and £1 a drink.

That sounds tough. You have to be careful not to overcompensate for what you should have got when you was a child. You suffered childhood trauma and you should try and tell your mother that. Bringing up idle adult children is not helping them to learn organising skills. They should be encouraged to clean up for themselves. My 10 year old empties his room of all his rubbish. I am not his maid to him or my daughter's. We all have to pull our weight.

Was much more affordable though.

I moved out of my parents house when I was 20, but most of my friends still stayed at home. But I could afford a mortgage (with my boyfriend) and could just about afford it when we split up Did have to work 3 jobs to do so though.

my parents have always given support when needed.

That's the wrong attitude to have you have to instill it into your children to want more and work hard to get it.