WIBTA if I refuse to cater for my ‘vegan’ MIL?

[Veganornotvegan]

My MIL recently announced that she is vegan. Great. Love that for her.

This obviously came with a request that whenever we cater for her (think Sunday lunch, dinner parties, events, etc.) we cater for her as a vegan. All good so far.

However, she says she’s vegan, but she’s not. Two recent examples when we’ve been out for dinner, she ordered a vegan chilli, but with a side of dairy sour cream (“to make it less spicy”), or a vegan roast dinner, with a side of normal Yorkshire puddings (because “there’s no vegan alternative”).

We are hosting a typical 3 / (4 with cheese course) course Christmas dinner for 14 adults and 4 children, no one else has any dietary restrictions or requirements, and my MIL wants me to make a separate vegan version of everything just for her (no duck fat potatoes, no honey roast parsnips, no meat dripping gravy, etc). WIBTA if I said no / she needs to bring her own?

You can have your turkey twizzlers and dino nuggets.
You have your preferences, the OP has hers.
Everyone is different.

I am vegan, your MIL isn’t, BUT….

I would tell her that you are prepared to make her vegan food, but due to the effort it requires, you just want to check that she’s not going to end up eating the non vegan stuff like she has before. If she insisted she needs vegan food, then I’d make sure she only ate the vegan stuff. If she tried to eat the non vegan stuff, I would remind her of the effort you had gone to to provide her with vegan foods.

I do find this odd though, mumsnetters seem to know people who claim to be vegan but apparently eat animal products at any opportunity. I know loads of vegans and they’re all really strict, check packets, are really cautious when eating out etc.

There's always a vegan option at our house: Leaving.

I am veggie and always take my own food to family events as I am the only one in my family who is.
I would never expect anyone to make special catering arrangements for me.

That’s not very welcoming to someone you’ve presumably chosen to invite!

If I invite someone for a meal, I’ll make sure there’s something they can eat (and will hopefully like, although some restrictions are more difficult e.g. I won’t cook for a coeliac due to not being able to guarantee no cross-contamination, so would have to serve something pre-packaged)

Everyone appears to be missing the most important point...

MIL IS NOT VEGAN

In my case, all the people I know in a personal capacity are vegan. Or were. One isnt anymore but he started eating dairy again for health reasons.

I meet the "Oh I am vegan now....." and then ordering non vegan food at work. You should do my job for a week, there are an awful lot of attention seeking virtue signallers about.

She's trying to adopt a plant based diet. She just isn't always successful at it. That's the case for many people who engage with veganism.

Indeed. And as well as making things uncertain and annoying for her fellow omnivores, she's also belittling, blurring the pathway and making things very difficult for actual vegans.

"Sorry, I can't eat that - I'm a vegan."
"What on earth do you mean? My MIL is also a vegan, and she doesn't have any objection to eating it."

Ready meal from Aldi, chuck some parsley on it.

She definitely doesn’t seem to eat meat, though (even the examples given by the OP seem to be vegetarian choices), so a lot of the advice is still relevant even if she’s not technically vegan.

I know quite a few people who would describe their diet as “plant-based where possible”, rather than vegan, so wonder if MIL falls more into that category.

I suppose I’m lucky not to mix with attention seeking virtue signallers. 😂

I’m not saying OP is lying, but I’ve read posters on mumsnet claiming that they know vegans who ‘snaffle’ bacon sandwiches at every opportunity. One poster claimed that their vegan friend came to their house and ‘wolfed down’ 2 roast chickens, without even asking her. I mean, come on. It’s so often bollocks from people who have an issue with veganism.

But her berating other people - who don't even claim to be vegan - for not eating a vegan diet is kind of intolerant and hypocritical, isn't it?

That aside, there's nothing wrong with just being honest and saying that you prefer to follow a vegan diet as much as possible. Piously insisting that "I AM a vegan" when you aren't - at least not yet - is just dishonest and muddying the waters for everybody.

Oh yes I think that some people really do have an issue with veganism.

But as I say, its only at work I have seen it.

I think the phrase "perfect is the enemy of good" might apply here. So your MIL is mostly vegan but makes the occasional exception. So what? Are you suggesting that because she likes Yorkshire puddings she might as well just give it up and have a big juicy steak?

It's not that hard to accommodate the vegetarian/ vegan alongside the omnivores. I have done it before now. I got a vegan something or other substitute for the meat which I cooked in the small oven. Roast potatoes in olive oil might not be quite as nice as with goose fat but really not bad. The rest of the veg is fairly inoffensive. And it sounds like your MIL will be pragmatic about any slip ups.

I don’t know anyone who makes duck fat roast potatoes or “meat dripping” gravy.

Even if she were vegan, it's rude that she's making this specific demand rather than discussing it with you/seeing if there will be vegan food for her and perhaps what she could bring. But I would probably make her a vegan main and be mindful of what's in the side dishes so you can at least tell her what's in them and she can eat or avoid them as she chooses (as she does at other times, as you've observed). I'd also make an effort to keep meat items a bit separate when it's easy - for example, bacon bits in a dish to sprinkle on salad, not mixed in. It does sound like she's at least eating vegetarian, though (a restaurant Yorkshire Pudding will likely be cooked in vegetable oil, although the batter contains eggs and maybe milk).

It’s her sons responsibility but she shouldn’t have a decent meal

So I would get a vegan ready meal for her, plus veg from say M and S. bung in the cooker/microwave and would also get ready made starter and pudding. These will be different to yours no doubt but you just say these are the vegan alternatives.

if she dare eat anything else I would call it out at the time and say you won’t be accommodating her in the future she can eat what you do

I am veggie and I have to bring my own food to xmases that my brother and his family host

Agave nectar on carrots and parsnips is just as good actually. Or maple syrup, though that is quite strong. Maybe try them out in advance to see if you like it?

I'd do her a vegan nut thing, adapt the carrots etc and do her a small separate tray of roast spuds, but if no oven room, she would be given boiled spuds instead I'm afraid. Having said that, I prefer roasties done with a really posh rape seed oil anyway myself.

Buy a ready made dessert. I cater for vegans quite a bit, and I don't mind if they scoff a non vegan item now and then. They don't mind if they don't have 100% home made food. I try to keep tools etc separate but they wouldn't know if I slipped up a bit (obviously if it was an allergy I'd be a lot more careful).

Also, put Gavin and Stacey on when Pam pretends to be veg

I think OP just isn’t keen on going to extra effort for someone who might end up eating the non vegan foods, which is fair enough.

Duck or goose fat potatoes are pretty mainstream, you can buy the fat in most supermarkets.It gives lovely results. But it's easy enough to use olive oil instead if you are entertaining a vegetarian.

I don't know anyone who doesn't make meat dripping gravy with a roast.

I don't bother with duck fat for potatoes but I have done goose fat ones at Christmas now and then.