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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend asked for money instead of a holiday, CF?

172 replies

namechangedohmy · 17/10/2025 18:13

My friend ‘Jane’ isn’t great with money and has got herself into a mess a few times and in the past I’ve gifted her some small amounts to help but stopped doing so as it was getting awkward.

Anyway, she’s been a bit run down and wanting a break so I offered to take her away for a winter break at a hotel up north. DBB plus has a pool, sauna, large grounds to walk in so she could swim, walk or just sleep as much or as little as she wanted. I was also looking forward to a bit of a break too tbh. She’s subsequently asked if she could have the money equivalent instead as that would be more helpful. I’m irritated by this as I’d knocked giving her money on the head, which she knows, so feel this is a bit much. Or AIBU and I offered help and this is the help she wants.

OP posts:
chocolateychurros · 17/10/2025 21:58

My opinion is that it’s cheeky to ask for money, I don’t know some people might say well if the money is going to help her more then why not? But I don’t know it just seems really cheeky to me.

SoReadyFor · 17/10/2025 22:01

omg 😝 wtf is wrong with people.

SoReadyFor · 17/10/2025 22:01

omg 😝 wtf is wrong with people.

Endorewitch · 17/10/2025 22:04

Cheeky!Not a good friend.
Of course you should not give her the money. Take another friend.

MotherPuppr · 17/10/2025 22:05

I think that would be the final straw for me! It’s honestly deranged behaviour, so crass. Are you sure she’s not got an addiction problem? It feels to me the kind of shameless thing a drug addict would say. Sorry if that sounds dramatic!

Dissappearedupmyownarse · 17/10/2025 22:54

namechangedohmy · 17/10/2025 18:13

My friend ‘Jane’ isn’t great with money and has got herself into a mess a few times and in the past I’ve gifted her some small amounts to help but stopped doing so as it was getting awkward.

Anyway, she’s been a bit run down and wanting a break so I offered to take her away for a winter break at a hotel up north. DBB plus has a pool, sauna, large grounds to walk in so she could swim, walk or just sleep as much or as little as she wanted. I was also looking forward to a bit of a break too tbh. She’s subsequently asked if she could have the money equivalent instead as that would be more helpful. I’m irritated by this as I’d knocked giving her money on the head, which she knows, so feel this is a bit much. Or AIBU and I offered help and this is the help she wants.

Fuck me! Really?!
The brass neck of some people is unbelievable!
You kindly offered for her to join you on a fabulous mini break and she has asked for her 'half' of the money equivalent?!
Find yourself a new friend who deserves you and respects you for the kind and generous person that you are!^

LoyalMember · 17/10/2025 22:58

FuzzyWolf · 17/10/2025 18:18

You are asking her to accompany you on a holiday of your choosing which isn’t necessarily what she wants to do and she quite possibly needs money to cover bills or food which is going to take priority.

Oh, I see the person the original poster's referring to has managed to find this thread...

HelenaWaiting · 17/10/2025 23:03

FuzzyWolf · 17/10/2025 18:18

You are asking her to accompany you on a holiday of your choosing which isn’t necessarily what she wants to do and she quite possibly needs money to cover bills or food which is going to take priority.

Yes, that's right. That's the offer - a holiday of OP's choosing. If the friend doesn't want to go, the correct response is "That's very kind of you but it isn't my thing, so no, thank you" not "Gimme the money." 🙄

DeemonLlama · 17/10/2025 23:06

Yeah this would make me uncomfortable too. I would also be worried that's it's setting a precedent, as in if you say yes this time she will come to expect it in the future, and when birthdays or Christmas comes up start asking you for the cash you would have spent on her gift. Not cool. You're not her mum!

CantBreathe90 · 17/10/2025 23:07

There was an advert years ago, advertising something "refreshingly honest" (can't remember the product). Anyway, it showed a scene in a nightclub where a bloke approaches a woman at the bar and asks "Can I buy you a drink?" to which the woman replies "Actually I'd rather have the cash". The joke was based around the concept, that it was such an outlandishly rude response. And that was to a stranger at a bar, not someone who's supposed to be a friend.

pinkyredrose · 17/10/2025 23:26

Tbh if she looked after you like that when you were in need then she's obviously a good friend but useless with money.

I'd tell her you really wanted the two of you to go away together to relax and recharge and that's all you can offer.

Florencesndzebedee · 17/10/2025 23:28

Perhaps she doesn’t have the money spare to do the journey or spending money whilst there for drinks/little extras. Still very cheeky to ask for the cash though.

NeighbourDespair · 18/10/2025 00:00

FuzzyWolf · 17/10/2025 18:18

You are asking her to accompany you on a holiday of your choosing which isn’t necessarily what she wants to do and she quite possibly needs money to cover bills or food which is going to take priority.

If only there were a two-letter magic word she could use to deal with this…

OakleyAnnie · 18/10/2025 00:26

FuzzyWolf · 17/10/2025 18:18

You are asking her to accompany you on a holiday of your choosing which isn’t necessarily what she wants to do and she quite possibly needs money to cover bills or food which is going to take priority.

What an odd response. OP suggested a holiday as Jane was feeling low. Jane is perfectly entitled to decline but it’s not up to the OP to therefore pay her bills.

Abouttoblow · 18/10/2025 01:02

FuzzyWolf · 17/10/2025 18:18

You are asking her to accompany you on a holiday of your choosing which isn’t necessarily what she wants to do and she quite possibly needs money to cover bills or food which is going to take priority.

No one is holding a gun to her head and forcing her to go on an all expenses paid break.
She can obviously decline the invitation.
She can't, however, expect that invitation to be converted into cash for what she wants.
She can decline, not have the break and deal with her financial issues

Iloveburgerswaymorethanishould · 18/10/2025 01:06

OP you sound lovely. I wish I had a friend like you. It’s definitely her loss. Slow fade the friendship….. if I was skint and feeling crap and someone offered me a little break for some R and R, I’d be over the moon. Even if I couldn’t afford to go I’d be beyond grateful just for being thought about. Fuck her off, she’s taking the piss 💐💐💐

BauhausOfEliott · 18/10/2025 01:27

Anyahyacinth · 17/10/2025 18:58

Isn't all you've said irrelevant if the person giving the gift is in no way responsible for your financial wellbeing?. They simply choose a gift. If it is too luxurious them sell it and eat / heat...I'm not sure how anyone but a dependent child could say..."but I would have preferred". That's not how gifts work...interesting to hear though how others think you are responsible for them as independent adults...it's like hearing about a mysterious foreign land called Entitlement

Show quote history

That’s quite a leap you’ve made there from what I actually said, which was nothing like your weird interpretation.

I didn’t suggest anyone else is responsible for anyone else’s financial wellbeing. At all. I didn’t suggest anyone has to buy anyone else any kind of gift, ever.

I did say I would always have been grateful and appreciative of any gift anyone happened to buy me. I didn’t suggest anyone is entitled to anything.

I also agreed that Jane was totally in the wrong.

My only point was that if you are in a position, as I was many years ago, where you are so short of money that you literally can’t afford to eat every day, and someone else is happy to spend money on you and give you a gift, your preferred gift would not be a luxury item. But at no point did I suggest that anyone has to buy you anything at all.

IridiumSky · 18/10/2025 01:36

Astoundingly discourteous.

Consider an analogy: I ask you for dinner at a restaurant. Your response is that you’d have had a steak, which would cost twenty quid. But you don’t want to join me, so give me twenty quid now instead.

Said no one ever.

But that said, saying no to her is not the correct response.

Something stronger would be appropriate. 😀

NorthernLass2025 · 18/10/2025 01:47

I find it bizarre these supposed friends keep asking for money, never in all my 41 years has a friend or family member asked me for money...And quite frankly no way does a friend ask for the equivalent in cash...Get yourself on a break if my friends are busy I go weekends myself and thoroughly enjoy the quiet time, good food and pampering

MsAmerica · 18/10/2025 02:13

namechangedohmy · 17/10/2025 18:13

My friend ‘Jane’ isn’t great with money and has got herself into a mess a few times and in the past I’ve gifted her some small amounts to help but stopped doing so as it was getting awkward.

Anyway, she’s been a bit run down and wanting a break so I offered to take her away for a winter break at a hotel up north. DBB plus has a pool, sauna, large grounds to walk in so she could swim, walk or just sleep as much or as little as she wanted. I was also looking forward to a bit of a break too tbh. She’s subsequently asked if she could have the money equivalent instead as that would be more helpful. I’m irritated by this as I’d knocked giving her money on the head, which she knows, so feel this is a bit much. Or AIBU and I offered help and this is the help she wants.

I'd say no, but I admit it would take me a while to figure out how to word it.

Maybe something like: Well, this wasn't simply a gift for you, it was a mutual thing for both of us to experience. And, I know this is awkward, but I think we have to keep the financial element out of our relationship before it becomes a real problem.

TwistedWonder · 18/10/2025 07:03

NorthernLass2025 · 18/10/2025 01:47

I find it bizarre these supposed friends keep asking for money, never in all my 41 years has a friend or family member asked me for money...And quite frankly no way does a friend ask for the equivalent in cash...Get yourself on a break if my friends are busy I go weekends myself and thoroughly enjoy the quiet time, good food and pampering

Agree. I’m 60 next month and never had anyone in my life ask to borrow money other than’lend me a tenner til I get to cashpoint’

Im shocked how often this seems to happen on MN.

JMSA · 18/10/2025 07:23

Oh God, that is really REALLY cheeky of her.

Original poster
namechangedohmy · 18/10/2025 09:39

Thank you to everyone who has commented, some very good points made. I’m obviously not going to give her money and will put some distance between us for a while to let the dust settle and review the friendship later on. There is a kindness within her but financially she is woeful.

OP posts:
Createausername1970 · 18/10/2025 09:53

Having read your update, she sounds like a good person at heart, just can't manage money, and that clouds her judgement.

You made a nice offer and she was VU to respond as she did.

Before I read your update I was in the camp of tell her to FO and let the friendship dwindle.

After reading your update, I still agree you should not give her the money, but I wouldn't bin the friendship if she is good in other ways.

It's not your responsibility, but could you offer to help her budget? Some people do need assistance with budgeting. But I appreciate you may have already been down this route.

Re the break, if you were looking forward to it yourself, then still go.

Branleuse · 18/10/2025 10:36

im sure she is nice and kind too, but ultimately, it seems like a dynamic has developed. It couldnt have been made more clear when you offered to take her to spend time together and do something lovely spending time, and she literally said she would prefer to have the money.
Thats not something I would even ask of my mum, and she does bail me out sometimes as i am not brilliant with money tbf. I cant imagine ever saying that to a friend. Its an insult, and she needs to reflect on that.,