Friend asked for money instead of a holiday, CF?

[namechangedohmy]

My friend ‘Jane’ isn’t great with money and has got herself into a mess a few times and in the past I’ve gifted her some small amounts to help but stopped doing so as it was getting awkward.

Anyway, she’s been a bit run down and wanting a break so I offered to take her away for a winter break at a hotel up north. DBB plus has a pool, sauna, large grounds to walk in so she could swim, walk or just sleep as much or as little as she wanted. I was also looking forward to a bit of a break too tbh. She’s subsequently asked if she could have the money equivalent instead as that would be more helpful. I’m irritated by this as I’d knocked giving her money on the head, which she knows, so feel this is a bit much. Or AIBU and I offered help and this is the help she wants.

Are your initials ATM op? She seems to think so.

She isn't your friend. She sees being nice to you as something she has to do to get money from you. Stop giving her money. I think when this happens you'll see her true colours.

Sorry Jane, I was inviting you for a weekend away to come with me! No worries, I will ask someone else.

Jane is a CF you ask me.

Breathtakingly rude!

I would use this as the reason you will never offer any help, financial or otherwise again.

What a disgusting creature she is.

That would really make me see her differently.
I would not reply to her anymore

Fair enough for her to decline the holiday. But asking for the money? No way. I would tell her that if she doesn’t want to come, you’ll see if anyone else fancies a free holiday.

Have you already given her the cash?

I would say 'I thought a little break away would do us both good and I understand if you don't want to go but there isn't a cash alternative.'

It's not your job to bail her out, especially if she doesn't seem to learn by it. Offer to help her make a budget plan (she will probably refuse).

People like her never learn to stand on their own feet when they always have someone to bail them out. She needs to understand that the bank of @namechangedohmy is closed for business, and she needs to grow up and manage her finances herself.

She helped me out many, many years ago when I went through an awful time after a nasty break up. Literally cared for me through cooking, letting me stay with her, getting me in a routine. I’ve always been so grateful and generous in a way she has needed, which is financial, but I do think the debt has been repaid.

What a cheeky response.

Stop giving her money going forward.

Your friend sees you as walking atm.
What do you get from this friendship?

And what @matilda said is a good response.

Goof grief thats CFery at its finest!! I don't know how some people have the brass neck 🤣

Hugely cheeky.

This but I’d delete the last sentence. This would be the start of a slow fade out of the friendship for me, she values your money, not spending time with you sadly.

Ive just had a chat with my ds11 about friendships.

He said his primary school mate has been acting like a bit of a knob (im paraphrasing!) since starting secondary school. This friend invited my ds to disneyland Paris last year. Ive just told my son that just because he was treated to a trip doesnt mean he gets to be treated like shit!

I think the same applies here.

Your friend was there for you, yes, but you have also helped her loads since.

Delete the last sentence and add 'don't worry. I've asked another friend to join me now.' Don't give her the opportunity to backtrack and come!

I wouldnt go with reiterating the offer for a break because when she realises that she wont get any money, she will still expect to go on the break. So I would make it clear that you are no longer booking it (or at least, not booking it for the two of you).

That is so bloody cheeky I cant get my head around how on earth she could even being to think that it was ok!

What a lovely.offer OP, sounds great.

You never know, if you send Matildas reasonable text, she might realise she's behaving like a CF and apologise.

Either way, this is an opportunity for change - either by no longer lending money or letting the friendship go.

Having been in a position of having very little money - to the point of not being to eat sometimes - it can be a little bit frustrating when someone buys you or offers you something that’s a luxury. Obviously I’d have been grateful, don’t get me wrong! And of course I’d have fully understood and appreciated that someone was doing something nice for me and I’d have made it clear to them that I was incredibly grateful for their kindness. But it can be hard to enjoy a luxury when you’re thinking ‘This is lovely but it could have paid for the weekly food shop that I can’t afford next week’. So I can slightly see where Jane is coming from. My boss at the time bought me a designer accessory as a birthday present (imagine, eg, a Burberry umbrella or a Chanel washbag) which was genuinely lovely of her and it was a generous gift, but every time I used it I just thought ‘If she’d just given me this as a bonus on my pay cheque instead…’

However! I think Jane is missing the point that the holiday offer was for both of you. You wanted a nice trip away and were happy to pay for Jane to go with you so you can both have a nice time. It’s not the same as if you’d offered to, eg, send her off on a spa weekend on her own or buy her a piece of jewellery or something. If you’d said ‘Tell you what - I’ll buy you a diamond necklace to cheer you up’ then she’d have been justified in explaining that the money to clear a debt instead would cheer her up a lot more. But she’s being a cheeky cow to ask for the money when her not going on the holiday would effectively mean you not going either.

@namechangedohmy she isn't a real friend. I would walk away.

She's not your friend, she's highly transactional and she's not even being subtle about trying to hit you up like her personal ATM now. Byebye.

Yeah I’d say, sorry for the misunderstanding but I was inviting you to join me? Another time though.

As is often the case
The first post nails it exactly

You were prepared to spend money to spend time with her, but she would rather you act as an ATM 🤷‍♀️

She sounds like an ungrateful cf who is lacking in a lot of self awareness! I can't actually believe someone would have the gall to ask this!