Page 7 | DH at event while I'm unwell

iridescentbloom · 2025-10-17T15:51:12+00:00

My husband has an event tonight that has been in the diary for months. I've woke up with a horrible cold - sore throat, runny nose, body aches, not helped by the fact our baby is going through the 4 month sleep regression and had me up every hour last night. (Me, not my husband, as he had work today so just did one nappy change in the night) Husband got in from work and essentially headed straight out to this event, he'll be home around midnight tonight. AIBU that I was hoping he'd stay home to help me with the baby whilst I'm feeling so rotten? I've had help from a friend during the day but am still going to have to face bedtime alone (which is a trial in itself at the moment), as well as the many wake ups that will happen before he gets home. It's not like this is his first evening out since we've had the baby - he's had many.

Usernameismyname01 · 19/10/2025 11:28

is this the first time feeling poorly since having the baby? Before the baby came along would you have normally felt sorry for youself and stayed in bed etc?

once a baby comes along, you no longer have this luxury and I’m afraid to say, unless you are on deaths door, you suck it up and just get on with.

You have a baby/child/teen to look after and put first before you (single parents don’t have the luxury to have a day off)
I know it’s shit, but that’s being a parent know - enjoy

Imdoodleladie · 19/10/2025 14:10

The reality of having a child I'm afraid. It's nothing like the postings on social media. This is when partners show who they really are & men in particular will always find a reason to not stay home at times like these.

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/10/2025 14:11

Lyraloo · 19/10/2025 09:20

Gosh I don’t want to sound harsh, but who’s the baby here, you or your child?
im afraid you’re going to have to toughen up a bit, your a mum now! You said you had help during the day and now you expect your husband to cancel his plans because you have a cold! Bless, I think you’re going to have a tough time moving forward if you can’t cope with a cold and one 4 month old.

He’s a dad now. It isn't 1950.

Lyraloo · 19/10/2025 14:54

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/10/2025 14:11

He’s a dad now. It isn't 1950.

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Absolutely, but I’d be saying the same thing if he was at home with the baby and she was going out! Two parents don’t need to stay in to look after one tiny baby!

Emskies · 19/10/2025 15:05

It depends. If it’s a non event event ie not a big deal to miss then I’d expect him to ask you if you’d prefer he cancels. If it’s important then yes probably not something reasonable to cancel. But with an 11 month old I totally get this and my husband would always clear nights out with me as he knows it’s asking me to do all the baby stuff myself! It’s just nice to clear it and obviously I always say it’s fine! Feels nice to be asked though. Also I saw you say you can only have paracetamol when breastfeeding - you can have ibuprofen too btw - I had it given to me in the post natal ward straight away, it’s totally fine!

MrsSkylerWhite · 19/10/2025 15:06

Lyraloo · 19/10/2025 14:54

Absolutely, but I’d be saying the same thing if he was at home with the baby and she was going out! Two parents don’t need to stay in to look after one tiny baby!

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If one of them is feeling crappy, it’s the decent thing to do for the person you love.
Perhaps we’re odd? It’s worked for us for 36 years 🤷‍♀️

Petitchat · 19/10/2025 17:04

Lyraloo · 19/10/2025 09:20

Gosh I don’t want to sound harsh, but who’s the baby here, you or your child?
im afraid you’re going to have to toughen up a bit, your a mum now! You said you had help during the day and now you expect your husband to cancel his plans because you have a cold! Bless, I think you’re going to have a tough time moving forward if you can’t cope with a cold and one 4 month old.

Yet the DH couldn't manage to stay home and be up with the baby every hour?
Ahh, poor DH.....

Petitchat · 19/10/2025 17:05

Usernameismyname01 · 19/10/2025 11:28

is this the first time feeling poorly since having the baby? Before the baby came along would you have normally felt sorry for youself and stayed in bed etc?

once a baby comes along, you no longer have this luxury and I’m afraid to say, unless you are on deaths door, you suck it up and just get on with.

You have a baby/child/teen to look after and put first before you (single parents don’t have the luxury to have a day off)
I know it’s shit, but that’s being a parent know - enjoy

There's 2 parents. The other one could have stayed home....

CraftyGin · 19/10/2025 17:16

I don't usually use this language, but FFS, it's a cold!

There is no impediment to breastfeeding. I breastfed for 13 years without a break. I imagine I had numerous colds in that time. I've forgotten all of them.

Lyraloo · 19/10/2025 17:33

Petitchat · 19/10/2025 17:04

Yet the DH couldn't manage to stay home and be up with the baby every hour?
Ahh, poor DH.....

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So he’s supposed to work full time, network for his job in the evenings and get up every hour with the baby, while his co parent is at home 24/7 ? If this was a woman working and stay at home husband, you’d be going mad that he was expecting her to get up with the baby.
such double standards!

Oneeyedonkey · 19/10/2025 17:39

What help exactly did you need from a friend during the day??

ItWasTheBabycham · 19/10/2025 19:28

I don’t think it would have occurred to me to ask him to stay home to be honest. It’s a cold, OP. And if you’re breastfeeding and baby’s up every hour in the night I’m not sure what help he’s going to be. Isn’t the baby going to want to be fed?

Petitchat · 19/10/2025 20:10

Lyraloo · 19/10/2025 17:33

So he’s supposed to work full time, network for his job in the evenings and get up every hour with the baby, while his co parent is at home 24/7 ? If this was a woman working and stay at home husband, you’d be going mad that he was expecting her to get up with the baby.
such double standards!

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Erm....just for a day or two while she feels so rough?
Why is that so difficult for either working partner?

Original poster

iridescentbloom · 19/10/2025 20:17

Thank you to everyone who saw through this thread that I am a new mum struggling with sleep deprivation, made worse by illness, who was hoping for a bit more compassion from her husband. The nastiness of some of the comments here was so uncalled for.

Husband went to his event, which was not work related, and begrudgingly did the majority of the childcare on Saturday. He does normally pull his weight at home regarding childcare and housework but this post has made me realise he does have far more nights out than I do and he has more coming up in the next month.

I have had one evening away from baby so far (with husband) and have no desire for any more just yet. But I'm sure I will in the future.

I'm sorry to everyone who has had to struggle through looking after children through illness, and I'm sure I'll have worse days ahead of me with my little one, but I am feeling very blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who will gladly offer to help rather than expect me to soldier on.

OP posts:

DaisyChain505 · 19/10/2025 20:19

iridescentbloom · 19/10/2025 20:17

Thank you to everyone who saw through this thread that I am a new mum struggling with sleep deprivation, made worse by illness, who was hoping for a bit more compassion from her husband. The nastiness of some of the comments here was so uncalled for.

Husband went to his event, which was not work related, and begrudgingly did the majority of the childcare on Saturday. He does normally pull his weight at home regarding childcare and housework but this post has made me realise he does have far more nights out than I do and he has more coming up in the next month.

I have had one evening away from baby so far (with husband) and have no desire for any more just yet. But I'm sure I will in the future.

I'm sorry to everyone who has had to struggle through looking after children through illness, and I'm sure I'll have worse days ahead of me with my little one, but I am feeling very blessed to be surrounded by friends and family who will gladly offer to help rather than expect me to soldier on.

You need to be bringing this up to him.

If you don’t you’ll only resent him and he’ll see him doing less than his equal share of parenting as normal.

BruFord · 19/10/2025 20:23

Husband went to his event, which was not work related, and begrudgingly did the majority of the childcare on Saturday. He does normally pull his weight at home regarding childcare and housework but this post has made me realise he does have far more nights out than I do and he has more coming up in the next month.

@iridescentbloom Yes, you need to talk to him about helping out properly, he shouldn’t have done it begrudgingly on Saturday. Your child is his responsibility too and he needs to recognize this.

The first few months are a hard slog, none of us realize how hard it’s going to be. 💐

PithyHedgehog · 20/10/2025 11:46

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:57

Thank you for your response - I can only take Paracetamol unfortunately as I'm breastfeeding, but I am taking this as often as I can. Also have some honey and lemon to add to tea.

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You can take nurofen when breast feeding too, I had a c section and was given morphine and nurofen when breastfeeding, I had to take nurofen for about 3 weeks after it. Hope you’re feeling better, a lot of daddy’s are rubbish at looking after us and it’s not fair ❤️❤️❤️

PettyMare · 20/10/2025 23:49

Oh get a grip! You've got a cold. You'll have them for the next 8 years in constant succession now you have a child.

Petitchat · 22/10/2025 17:21

PettyMare · 20/10/2025 23:49

Oh get a grip! You've got a cold. You'll have them for the next 8 years in constant succession now you have a child.

And the DH will have to stay in a lot then, won't he?

Petitchat · 22/10/2025 17:22

Hooe you're feeling better now OP 💐

BoredZelda · 22/10/2025 17:33

Depends on the event.

Concert/theatre that he’d had tickets for, then sure, I’d just suck it up. Party at a friends house, then I’d have said to him it would be better if he didn’t go. Not that I’d have to as he would have checked with me that it’s ok.

You’re the default parent, you need to raise that with him before it goes much further.

Boomer55 · 22/10/2025 17:35

I wouldn’t have expected him to stay home over a simple cold.

Anything serious, yes. But not for a cold.

Sagaciously · 22/10/2025 17:39

It’s just a cold. I’d not expect him to stay home. I’d pop the baby in bed with me and sleep the evening away.