Page 6 | DH at event while I'm unwell

jacks11 · 18/10/2025 12:57

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 11:55

Some women make martys of themselves and then this causes resentment.

Decent men do the right thing with their families, without even having to be asked.

Decent men don't look on it as "helping" they just automatically do what's needed.

I’m not a martyr. I just don’t think I need to be mollycoddled when I have a cold. If something needs done, and you happen to have a cold it’s fine- you just get in with it. It’s not the end of the world, babies and colds are quite common, life carries on and if you’ve got anything about you then you just get on with it. No need for drama or suggestions of martyrdom. It’s totally unnecessary- “mountain out of a molehill”, as my granny would have said.

She has a cold, she’s not seriously unwell (unless there’s something she’s not telling us). I’ve no doubt op feels a bit rubbish but really, it’s a bit much to suggest she won’t manage to look after her baby on her own because of it. Or that she “shouldn’t have to”. I can, and have, looked after a baby (and older dc) when I’ve been feeling a bit unwell with a cold and DH has had other commitments. Even when those have been social ones. As he has done for me. None of us came to harm or ended up resentful because we are both capable adults.

SmallestGnome · 18/10/2025 12:59

My youngest son has slept 4 hours per night (around 11pm-3am sometimes 4am if I'm lucky) since 8 months old. He's nearly 4 now and has an autism diagnosis so when he's awake he needs 24/7 full care due to dangerous sensory seeking behaviours and dangerous self injurious meltdown behaviours. All care, both day and night, is down to me with no help (other than 1.5 days nursery per week).

You have a cold, and a 4 month old baby. You're not dying, and the moments when your child is awake they don't need THAT much care other than feeding and changing and cuddles. There's no need for him to miss the event. You really need to just get on with it because if you can't handle a cold without significant help at this stage then you're gonna really struggle as they get to toddler stage and need more care when you're ill.

SmallestGnome · 18/10/2025 13:00

Sorry if that sounded blunt and harsh, but I really feel like this is a massive over exaggeration and you will really struggle in toddler years if you can't handle a cold at this age.

abbynabby23 · 18/10/2025 13:38

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:51

My husband has an event tonight that has been in the diary for months.

I've woke up with a horrible cold - sore throat, runny nose, body aches, not helped by the fact our baby is going through the 4 month sleep regression and had me up every hour last night. (Me, not my husband, as he had work today so just did one nappy change in the night)

Husband got in from work and essentially headed straight out to this event, he'll be home around midnight tonight.

AIBU that I was hoping he'd stay home to help me with the baby whilst I'm feeling so rotten? I've had help from a friend during the day but am still going to have to face bedtime alone (which is a trial in itself at the moment), as well as the many wake ups that will happen before he gets home.

It's not like this is his first evening out since we've had the baby - he's had many.

Get a paracetamol and you will be fine!

DurinsBane · 18/10/2025 16:04

And it all depends if it was just a night out, or an actual event

MyLimeGuide · 18/10/2025 16:09

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:59

Thank you for your responses everyone, can see IABU 🙂

This was posted early on in the thread by OP - Why are ppl still going on at her?

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 16:18

jacks11 · 18/10/2025 12:57

I’m not a martyr. I just don’t think I need to be mollycoddled when I have a cold. If something needs done, and you happen to have a cold it’s fine- you just get in with it. It’s not the end of the world, babies and colds are quite common, life carries on and if you’ve got anything about you then you just get on with it. No need for drama or suggestions of martyrdom. It’s totally unnecessary- “mountain out of a molehill”, as my granny would have said.

She has a cold, she’s not seriously unwell (unless there’s something she’s not telling us). I’ve no doubt op feels a bit rubbish but really, it’s a bit much to suggest she won’t manage to look after her baby on her own because of it. Or that she “shouldn’t have to”. I can, and have, looked after a baby (and older dc) when I’ve been feeling a bit unwell with a cold and DH has had other commitments. Even when those have been social ones. As he has done for me. None of us came to harm or ended up resentful because we are both capable adults.

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I feel a decent man would not leave his ill wife to have to get up every hour for baby.
He would just take over instead of going out.

Just my opinion and my own experience.

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 16:20

SmallestGnome · 18/10/2025 12:59

My youngest son has slept 4 hours per night (around 11pm-3am sometimes 4am if I'm lucky) since 8 months old. He's nearly 4 now and has an autism diagnosis so when he's awake he needs 24/7 full care due to dangerous sensory seeking behaviours and dangerous self injurious meltdown behaviours. All care, both day and night, is down to me with no help (other than 1.5 days nursery per week).

You have a cold, and a 4 month old baby. You're not dying, and the moments when your child is awake they don't need THAT much care other than feeding and changing and cuddles. There's no need for him to miss the event. You really need to just get on with it because if you can't handle a cold without significant help at this stage then you're gonna really struggle as they get to toddler stage and need more care when you're ill.

Edited

Then they can continue to share all care, if it's been established now.

SliceofTosst · 18/10/2025 18:40

You've only got a cold. You can't seriously expect him to cancel.

MaurineWayBack · 18/10/2025 19:56

SliceofTosst · 18/10/2025 18:40

You've only got a cold. You can't seriously expect him to cancel.

You dint get body aches and a bad sore throat with ‘just a cold’
Nor do you need support from another adult during the day.

The ‘it’s a cold’ is being misused I feel. Usually used to indicate an unknown virus that might make you sniffly. But really bears no relationship to how bad the illness is. You can see it with the whole ‘I have flu/no it’s a cold’ regular debate.

End up with people like you dismissing the OP even though she’s given plenty of info showing she isn’t well. And it’s not feeling a bit rotten.

It’s a shame

MaurineWayBack · 18/10/2025 20:00

jacks11 · 18/10/2025 12:57

I’m not a martyr. I just don’t think I need to be mollycoddled when I have a cold. If something needs done, and you happen to have a cold it’s fine- you just get in with it. It’s not the end of the world, babies and colds are quite common, life carries on and if you’ve got anything about you then you just get on with it. No need for drama or suggestions of martyrdom. It’s totally unnecessary- “mountain out of a molehill”, as my granny would have said.

She has a cold, she’s not seriously unwell (unless there’s something she’s not telling us). I’ve no doubt op feels a bit rubbish but really, it’s a bit much to suggest she won’t manage to look after her baby on her own because of it. Or that she “shouldn’t have to”. I can, and have, looked after a baby (and older dc) when I’ve been feeling a bit unwell with a cold and DH has had other commitments. Even when those have been social ones. As he has done for me. None of us came to harm or ended up resentful because we are both capable adults.

Show quote history

I didn’t realise that ‘not being that unwell’ included needed support during the day …..

If the OP needed help during the day from a friend, surely she needs help in the evening from her dh too?
And that has nothing to do with ‘being mollycoted’. Which tbh I feel rarely happens with women. That’s not how we’ve been educated. However the strong bias that women are generally weak, complaining about nothing etc… THAT is a very strong idea always been trotted about.

Wildefish · 18/10/2025 20:19

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:56

I did ask him to stay, he said he wouldn't ask me to miss an event if it was the other way around (In reality, he wouldn't have to ask, I'd just stay)

Unfortunately this is just some men. After looking after two kids who had a bug one after the other, my ex took a day off when he had it, Guess who went to work when I had it and left me with a year old and a baby. Thats why he’s an ex!

Jack80 · 18/10/2025 21:17

Maybe you could wake him up with the baby and go back to sleep on the sofa. Express some milk if your baby has a bottle and chill.

StandFirm · 18/10/2025 21:24

I think it depends on the context. If it's an important work function then he has to go as it might not reflect well on him to miss it (in the calendar for months etc). If it's an important event because he's catching up with friends or relatives he hasn't seen in years, then again, he should go because these things matter. Anything else, he should stay in because looking after a small baby whilst sick is just utterly miserable.

FioFioSILK · 18/10/2025 21:28

This is mum life I'm afraid. We suck it up and most of us on here with a bit more experience realise a cold is the least challenging thing you could experience. Along with a husband who can still go to work events.

Jamesblonde2 · 18/10/2025 21:38

Family/friends? If no, why no? It’s only a cold. Event sounds rare event. Just one of those things.

mamabird2984 · 18/10/2025 21:40

I had norovirus when my first was 4 months old and I felt like I was actually going to die. I’m not someone who feels sorry for themselves really, I tend to just crack on but I wasn’t even strong enough to change her nappy that day and I couldn’t get up from the floor. I had to change her whilst I was lying down. I was exclusively breastfeeding and so dehydrated. My DH went to work that day/the day after and I’ve still never forgiven him, 6 years later. We have three DC now and I promise you, 4 months feels hard now but you’ll look back on this and think it easy. Just take what you can and get what sleep you can and don’t worry about routines etc. Hand baby over to him tomorrow morning and go back to bed until the next feed. You’ll feel better in a couple of days :) xxx

user1476613140 · 18/10/2025 21:47

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:56

I did ask him to stay, he said he wouldn't ask me to miss an event if it was the other way around (In reality, he wouldn't have to ask, I'd just stay)

Feeling similar tonight. DH went out with a friend to a gig leaving me at home with two additional needs DC, who often wet themselves at night....I am also having heavy bleeding on my period so could honestly have done without being left tonight. I have texted him about everything that's happened since he left. Showering and washing machine on etc. It gets me down.

OP I get it. Hope you managed some rest. Dose up on painkillers if you can. Same as yourself I just wouldn't leave DH if it was the other way around.

Misty333 · 18/10/2025 22:31

If you hadn’t had help during the day I might have felt more towards you but definitely not when you were lucky enough to have had help during the day.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/10/2025 22:37

Milosc · 18/10/2025 04:40

I think a decent person would miss out if their partner was unwell. I am always surprised at the bare minimum that some people give their partners of themselves. There is so much emphasis on friends and events and outings and hobbies on here I wonder where the emphasis on your partner and family are. My DH never would have left me with our childrens when I was unwell if possible and I wouldn't either because no event is more important than each other and our family.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP. Being sick with a baby is torture. I certainly hope your DH steps up tomorrow now that he has had his fun.

Completely agree.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/10/2025 22:40

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 18/10/2025 00:57

Blimey how parenting resilience for the primary carer has changed in the last 25/30 years
I waiver between thinking it’s a good/bad thing… but honestly a non mobile infant to hunker down with when you’ve got a nasty head cold for something in the diary, I assume important for the wage earner?
Cripes it’s a different world now from when I had my six kids

Edited

Give yourself a medal.
My husband would stay home to look after our first if I was ill, 30 years ago.

FloozyMcGee · 19/10/2025 04:51

It sounds like DH is working and supporting you staying home. While it would be NICE if he stayed home, I don't think you should expect it.

AussieManque · 19/10/2025 09:13

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 06:31

Wearing a mask near your own baby that has got to be a joke are people really this deranged 😂

So you'd rather infect your baby with a harmful pathogen than take a simple measure to keep them safe from illness? What have we come to that people think it's good for children to get sick? This is a 4 month old, a cold could land them in hospital.

In case you misunderstood: exposure to common dirt is fine for building healthy systems. Exposure to viruses is not recommended.

Lyraloo · 19/10/2025 09:20

Gosh I don’t want to sound harsh, but who’s the baby here, you or your child?
im afraid you’re going to have to toughen up a bit, your a mum now! You said you had help during the day and now you expect your husband to cancel his plans because you have a cold! Bless, I think you’re going to have a tough time moving forward if you can’t cope with a cold and one 4 month old.

pollymere · 19/10/2025 11:09

I've had long chats with my DH about this topic. He would never expect me to stay for him if he was ill or injured as he wouldn't want me missing out on something or for me to let people down.

I was explaining that people usually don't ask you to stay but that they need to offer to stay. That it's almost like arguing who's going to pay for a meal.

It does seem a bit mean for him not to stay if you actually asked him. However, I think it could be argued that you weren't in any danger and you were fine. You could have called him if the situation got desperate.

I'm not allowed much more than Paracetamol either. I'd recommend Jakemans (the black ones), lots of cola and coffee and Manuka honey.