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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH at event while I'm unwell

173 replies

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:51

My husband has an event tonight that has been in the diary for months.

I've woke up with a horrible cold - sore throat, runny nose, body aches, not helped by the fact our baby is going through the 4 month sleep regression and had me up every hour last night. (Me, not my husband, as he had work today so just did one nappy change in the night)

Husband got in from work and essentially headed straight out to this event, he'll be home around midnight tonight.

AIBU that I was hoping he'd stay home to help me with the baby whilst I'm feeling so rotten? I've had help from a friend during the day but am still going to have to face bedtime alone (which is a trial in itself at the moment), as well as the many wake ups that will happen before he gets home.

It's not like this is his first evening out since we've had the baby - he's had many.

OP posts:
Milosc · 18/10/2025 04:40

I think a decent person would miss out if their partner was unwell. I am always surprised at the bare minimum that some people give their partners of themselves. There is so much emphasis on friends and events and outings and hobbies on here I wonder where the emphasis on your partner and family are. My DH never would have left me with our childrens when I was unwell if possible and I wouldn't either because no event is more important than each other and our family.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all OP. Being sick with a baby is torture. I certainly hope your DH steps up tomorrow now that he has had his fun.

AussieManque · 18/10/2025 05:36

You most likely have COVID based on current stats in the UK. Please protect your 4 month old but also your husband. Ventilate the house with open windows and most importantly wear a tightly fitting mask near the baby. Baby's probably already been infected but continue to limit their exposure to lower the overall viral dose. If possible sleep separately from husband and baby.

COVID is not a joke, causing long term harm to organs (heart, blood vessels , brain amongst others) and even a cold in a 4 month old is very worrying.

Lauzg90 · 18/10/2025 06:19

My opinion would be very dependent on the event. I asked DH to skip karate last week (he did) as both of our kids were sick, I was just so run down and needed some help.
Would I ask them to skip…

  • A common weekly activity (e.g. karate)- yes
  • A work event- no
  • A pint with friends they see every week- yes.
  • A catch up with friends they rarely see- no
  • A planned, pre-paid activity (go karting/ rock climbing)- no

So I am somewhat on the fence 😂

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 06:26

Oh bless you. Its hard when you are feeling rotten but kindly, you have 1 small immobile baby. All you have to do is lie in bed and cuddle them. Try looking after a newborn, toddler and school age children solo whilst ill. Im not saying this to beat you down but honestly you really dont realise how easy you have it. Stop being so hard on yourself / perfectionist. Just lie in bed, sod the bedtime routine your baby can skip that for a few nights theyre 4 months its not like they have school tomorrow. You can take allllll the medication you need. Ive breastfed 3 and have taken whatever i need to take whenever. Just do what you need to do to look after yourself, let DH enjoy his event, but make sure he owes you a day in bed to rest and is pulling his weight with the housework.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 06:30

AussieManque · 18/10/2025 05:36

You most likely have COVID based on current stats in the UK. Please protect your 4 month old but also your husband. Ventilate the house with open windows and most importantly wear a tightly fitting mask near the baby. Baby's probably already been infected but continue to limit their exposure to lower the overall viral dose. If possible sleep separately from husband and baby.

COVID is not a joke, causing long term harm to organs (heart, blood vessels , brain amongst others) and even a cold in a 4 month old is very worrying.

What is this dramatic nonsense.
Shes breastfeeding of course she cant sleep separate from baby!!!
I had covid in lockdown with a newborn. Breastfeeding is the best protection against illnesses for babies, almost like a natural antibiotic! Many times when ive been ill my breastfed baby hasn't caught what ive had because theyve received my antibodies.

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 06:31

Wearing a mask near your own baby that has got to be a joke are people really this deranged 😂

MasterMind1982 · 18/10/2025 06:45

I found 4 month the easiest stage well 4-6 months actually it was a dream. So I think I could have done it and do recall doing it poorly, as I had a 2 year old who was in daycare a couple of times a week I remember calling and asking if they had a slot so at least she could be entertained and then just hanging in my room all day with baby and resting!

LlynTegid · 18/10/2025 06:49

Moresparecashplease · 17/10/2025 18:30

You say he has had quite a few evenings out since baby was born OP.

Have you had any time to yourself?

How is he normally with the baby ? Does he do his share? Does he do his share of housework?

I actually agree with you that if his social.life has been largely unaffected by him becoming a father then it was not unreasonable for you to ask him to stay in when you are unwell.

My view would very much depend on the event, to be honest.

dunroamingfornow · 18/10/2025 06:49

It’s sounds tough but thankfully not a sickness bug which would make it so much harder. It’s a shock when you are ill for the first time as a parent and realise you still have to crack on whilst feeling terrible. I wouldn’t have expected a partner to stay in because I had a cold.

RosenWilloughby · 18/10/2025 06:50

Sounds like Covid as it’s making the rounds. Your husband is likely spreading it at the event and I bet you’re not masking around your baby. Gotta spread that Covid love around!

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 06:51

RosenWilloughby · 18/10/2025 06:50

Sounds like Covid as it’s making the rounds. Your husband is likely spreading it at the event and I bet you’re not masking around your baby. Gotta spread that Covid love around!

Do you wear a mask around your own baby? Do people seriously do this?!?!?

SandyY2K · 18/10/2025 06:53

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:56

I did ask him to stay, he said he wouldn't ask me to miss an event if it was the other way around (In reality, he wouldn't have to ask, I'd just stay)

I agree with him tbh.
It's just a cold, not a life threatening illness.

You can rest up and pass the baby to him throughout the weekend.

I know it's crap looking after a baby when you're unwell, but he had this event planned for a while.

user1492757084 · 18/10/2025 07:00

You are b.feeding so you have to see baby regularly anyway.
You don't want DH to get the cold so just be happy that he can attend, enjoy hearing about the event and ask DH to do most of the non feeding chores over the weekend.

MrsDoubtfire1 · 18/10/2025 07:01

What's with this generation needing all this help with baby, and small children when they have a cold? In the past people just got on with it and with more children in tow. Take a couple of pills, get a box of tissues and start your day. Get an early night and minimise the crap.

MzHz · 18/10/2025 07:14

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:56

I did ask him to stay, he said he wouldn't ask me to miss an event if it was the other way around (In reality, he wouldn't have to ask, I'd just stay)

Well… there’s your answer for next time he’s ill.

its just a cold, get dosed up an get as much sleep as you can

Ireallywantadoughnut36 · 18/10/2025 07:48

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:56

I did ask him to stay, he said he wouldn't ask me to miss an event if it was the other way around (In reality, he wouldn't have to ask, I'd just stay)

I wouldnt normally expect my dh to miss a night out or work thing if I had a cold. However, we always agreed a rule that if it really really was getting too hard(for any reason not just illness), and we asked one another for help, regardless of the situation we would ensure we helped. It was a sort of MayDay request. We did agree that A) we were a team and we wouldn't ask for the help without fully understanding what was being cancelled/missed out on for the help B) the person helping would not make any judgement/ask any questions (eg I once asked when, on the surface, I looked well, I just really really didn't feel great. He cancelled a trip to see friends and it did turn out I was very ill and ended up in hospital, I just looked fine at the time he was leaving).
The fact you asked and he said no is a bit of a red flag to me. If you need him, you should be top priority (unless you regularly ask him to cancel plans, which isn't ok).
I think you need a chat about how you support one another. Your post sounds a bit like he's going out (or you perceive he's going out) a lot more than you? That you're finding this stage hard and feel unsupported, and that last night was just a sign of that rather than the whole issue. It doesn't really matter what strangers on the Internet think, what matters is that you wanted/needed him and he didn't think you did need him and went out - if that pattern continues you'll be resentful, and he'll find you overly needy/a drama queen. You need to find a way to decide between you how you manage feeling awful with kids, what's the line. Once you have a line it's mutual, so if you have a spa weekend booked and he gets a cold and asks - you'd have to be prepared to give it up. You need, as a couple of parents, to work out these boundaries and both agree.

Undercookedby10 · 18/10/2025 07:58

Welcome to motherhood. Buckle up, this is just the beginning and is irrespective of what DH does or does not do.

LaDamaDeElche · 18/10/2025 07:59

If you read this post years after the baby stage you would tell the OP they’re being unreasonable and he should go etc. When you’re actually in it and are just generally exhausted from months of broken sleep, breastfeeding and sick on top of that it’s pretty normal to feel as you do and to feel a bit resentful. I think it would have been more understanding of him to cancel, but I had a particularly difficult time when DD was a baby so am probably projecting a little as it seems I’m in the minority on this.

Catmother18520 · 18/10/2025 08:03

For context its a cold, yes you feel rough but its just a cold.

As a single parent I've never got to stay in bed moping about a cold, or flu or covid. No family around either to help.

I never got help during chemo and had to get my arse out of bed and take care of my child and even home school her during lockdown.

I never got any help when I had an ankle replacement and had to be off my feet for 6 weeks. I still had to cook, clean, get her to school.

You are owed a night out though so plan to go somewhere nice, get the baby used to a bottle so you can express some milk and have some down time.

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 08:06

Onesipmore · 17/10/2025 16:53

I wouldnt have expected my DH to stay at home. If you have a cold I would dose up and snuggle down. Have a lie in, in the morning and get DH to take over then. You have had help during the day, its just one evening

How can she "dose up and snuggle down"?
The baby has her up every hour?

Fruitsherbert · 18/10/2025 08:11

I don't think I'd have asked. But it's a long time ago now.
My favourite illness was when ds caught dv at about 4 months old.... which then swept through the three of us. He was right as rain v quickly (bf) whilst we were in the throes of it. Quite the experience.

TheLemonLemur · 18/10/2025 08:15

Single parents manage all the time with illnesses much worse than a cold. I can recall as a child my mum managing to look after 3 of us as a single parent undergoing chemo with side effects and illnesses caused by low immunity. At least your partner will be home by midnight and can help through the night and weekend

popcornandpotatoes · 18/10/2025 08:26

It's just a cold op. What kind of bedtime does a 4 month old need anyway? Surely you can lie down in bed and baby feeds to sleep

popcornandpotatoes · 18/10/2025 08:30

RosenWilloughby · 18/10/2025 06:50

Sounds like Covid as it’s making the rounds. Your husband is likely spreading it at the event and I bet you’re not masking around your baby. Gotta spread that Covid love around!

Colds still exist. There is nothing op has said that suggests it's COVID over a cold

Livelovebehappy · 18/10/2025 08:34

Hope you’re feeling better this morning OP. Colds are massively played down, and can be pretty hellish. Let him take over today and so you get recovery and rest.

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