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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH at event while I'm unwell

173 replies

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:51

My husband has an event tonight that has been in the diary for months.

I've woke up with a horrible cold - sore throat, runny nose, body aches, not helped by the fact our baby is going through the 4 month sleep regression and had me up every hour last night. (Me, not my husband, as he had work today so just did one nappy change in the night)

Husband got in from work and essentially headed straight out to this event, he'll be home around midnight tonight.

AIBU that I was hoping he'd stay home to help me with the baby whilst I'm feeling so rotten? I've had help from a friend during the day but am still going to have to face bedtime alone (which is a trial in itself at the moment), as well as the many wake ups that will happen before he gets home.

It's not like this is his first evening out since we've had the baby - he's had many.

OP posts:
CassandraWebb · 18/10/2025 08:35

This thread is so mean. Sleep deprivation and a cold combined is a horrible combination. In a partnership we should look after each other when we can

QuickPeachPoet · 18/10/2025 08:55

Very unreasonable and a bit pathetic.

Cheerio123 · 18/10/2025 08:57

Wow I’m pretty astounded by how harsh these comments are. You have probably stopped reading them by now, but if I were you I would avoid Mumsnet like the plague. Plenty of women here who have either forgotten how hard it can be with a baby or think that suffering is some sort of competition. You are not being unreasonable. Being woken up every hour and breastfeeding both take a huge toll on your body, without being ill. My eldest child was a terrible sleeper and I was broken physically and mentally. My second was a dream and only then did I realise how bad it had been the first time. If your husband is normally very hands-on and this event was important to him, then fine maybe he should have gone. But if you feel like you are drowning and he’s off out socialising like nothing’s changed, you are right to expect more from him. It’s not a lie that it takes a village, and I hope the women in your life in the real world are more supportive than the people in this thread who think you should suffer because they did. And don’t let them tell you you have it easy - my life is 1000 times easier now with two than it ever was with a 4 month old who was up all night. Good luck xx

isthesolution · 18/10/2025 08:57

It sucks but no I wouldn’t have asked him to miss his event. I would be making sure that I was going out to do my own thing fairly regularly too though.

SplishSplash123 · 18/10/2025 09:02

OP, I imagine a lot of the responses here have forgotten just how rough the 4 month sleep regression can be!
People says it's "just a cold" probably aren't realising just how exhausted and sleep deprived you are right now, before you even add the effects of illness on.
I'd also he disappointed that my DH wasn't doing everything possible to support me, especially when breastfeeding and carrying all of the nighttime burden yourself. A night at an event seems pretty frivolous and I really think during baby's first year that being on hand to help comes first!

As others have said, make sure he picks up the slack over the weekend and get as much rest as you can between the daytime feeds.

Hugs, the regression is brutal but it does end eventually and you'll feel a little bit more human again!

Luckyingame · 18/10/2025 09:05

YABU.

linaharven · 18/10/2025 09:06

Hello!

DaisyChain505 · 18/10/2025 09:20

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:59

Thank you for your responses everyone, can see IABU 🙂

You’re not being unreasonable to feel sorry for yourself but I think in the situation I would grin and bear it and let him go.

If it was just a casual night out with the boys yes I’d be asking him to cancel. Bit an event that’s been in the diary for months I wouldn’t.

Have a lie in tomorrow and tell him to take the baby out for the day.

KookyRoseCrab · 18/10/2025 09:21

FuzzyWolf · 17/10/2025 16:57

Your baby is four months old and it’s a very easy age to look after when you are also unwell. Trust me, you will both have endless viruses and illnesses that you will catch from your child/ren over time and you can’t just expect to be looked after for them all.

I’d have encouraged DH to go out.

That’s how I rock n roll nowadays 😂 oot ye go byeee.
I remember going to the doctor me and daughter asking why we kept having viruses and she said you both work wi weans they are wee viruses

SleepyLemur · 18/10/2025 09:27

If you didn't have a newborn baby then I would say you were probably being a bit unreasonable unless you had explicitly asked him to stay home and explained you were too sick to look after the children. However, with a newborn I think he probably should have asked if you needed help. Saying that he didn't and that doesn't make him bad, just that you will need to be clearer about your needs (not something I am very good at). My DH who is normally wonderful was not good at understanding what I needed when we had a newborn (nothing big but like if I have been up all night whilst you slept and I am now trying to breastfeed please get me a drink when you get yourself one). To some extent I do think it was obvious, but I realised I had to get better at being clear about my needs and it helped a lot. I don't think you are being unreasonable though.

PastaAllaNorma · 18/10/2025 09:31

I hope you're feeling better this morning, @iridescentbloom

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 10:02

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 08:06

How can she "dose up and snuggle down"?
The baby has her up every hour?

Show quote history

Yes the baby may wake her frequently- trust me ive BEEN there- but she does not need to do anything other than the bare minimum of feed and change nappies. Baby can go without a bath for one night (or shock horror- two!). Can order takeaway and potter in pajamas. And lie down every single time baby sleeps. And leave the housework for when DH returns home.
Not quite the same as when you have a 2 year old climbing all over you going MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY. I truly have sympathy for the op but I think the harsh posters are just being realistic.

cowbags73 · 18/10/2025 10:20

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:59

Thank you for your responses everyone, can see IABU 🙂

Well done for taking it on the chin. Lots of people would have got defensive I’m sure.
i came here to agree with the other person that said to sleep when baby sleeps and ask him to take over in the morning. If he doesn’t help then, that would be unreasonable of him.

notacooldad · 18/10/2025 11:00

I think it depends what the event was.
Obviously its over and done with now a it was posted yesterday but if its just a bit of a social gathering with others then yes, it would've been good if dh came home and took over while you had an early night to help recovery
It was an expensive ticketed event then do should have gone

I hope he is stepping up today and letting you rest.
I know people are saying its only a cold but it can make you feel pretty miserable, especially if you aren't getting much sleep anyway.

Ivelostmyglasses · 18/10/2025 11:06

I 'm not well. I came home from work yesterday and went straight to bed, nothing in between. I just could not stay awake anymore. When I woke up in the night I thought how would a Mum with a baby cope. I really feel for you. For me it would depend on how you are supported today, when he has no commitments.

I'llBuyThatForADollar · 18/10/2025 11:08

Hope you feel better soon! 💐

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 11:17

popcornandpotatoes · 18/10/2025 08:26

It's just a cold op. What kind of bedtime does a 4 month old need anyway? Surely you can lie down in bed and baby feeds to sleep

OP has already said, the baby has her up every hour.

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 11:20

Cheerio123 · 18/10/2025 08:57

Wow I’m pretty astounded by how harsh these comments are. You have probably stopped reading them by now, but if I were you I would avoid Mumsnet like the plague. Plenty of women here who have either forgotten how hard it can be with a baby or think that suffering is some sort of competition. You are not being unreasonable. Being woken up every hour and breastfeeding both take a huge toll on your body, without being ill. My eldest child was a terrible sleeper and I was broken physically and mentally. My second was a dream and only then did I realise how bad it had been the first time. If your husband is normally very hands-on and this event was important to him, then fine maybe he should have gone. But if you feel like you are drowning and he’s off out socialising like nothing’s changed, you are right to expect more from him. It’s not a lie that it takes a village, and I hope the women in your life in the real world are more supportive than the people in this thread who think you should suffer because they did. And don’t let them tell you you have it easy - my life is 1000 times easier now with two than it ever was with a 4 month old who was up all night. Good luck xx

Great post. Completely agree 👍

JLou08 · 18/10/2025 11:26

Being ill with children can feel brutal when you're new to parenting. You're lucky to still be off work and have had help from a friend. Many parents have to just carry on with no rest but that does just become normal. You won't get much sympathy because many of us have forgotten there was actually a time pre-children when we could take time to rest when ill.

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 11:35

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 10:02

Yes the baby may wake her frequently- trust me ive BEEN there- but she does not need to do anything other than the bare minimum of feed and change nappies. Baby can go without a bath for one night (or shock horror- two!). Can order takeaway and potter in pajamas. And lie down every single time baby sleeps. And leave the housework for when DH returns home.
Not quite the same as when you have a 2 year old climbing all over you going MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY. I truly have sympathy for the op but I think the harsh posters are just being realistic.

Show quote history

But OP doesn't have to do all that. She has a husband.
It's selfish of him to go out when OP is ill and already up every hour with the baby.

If it was the other way round and he was ill, I bet he would expect OP to stay in?

OP, YANBU

It wouldn't have been the end of the world for DH would it? You and baby come first and if he doesn't already get that, tell him.
Start as you mean to go on.....

MaurineWayBack · 18/10/2025 11:41

Well I’m not sure if you’re still reading @iridescentbloom but I voted YANBU.

A simple cold doesn’t give you a sore throat and body aches. I’m going to guess you’re more likely to have covid tbh. But regardless of the name of the virus, your description doesn’t say ‘just a cold with a bit of a sniffle’.
You being exhausted enough to bed support during the day is another sign.

Many people on here are very much ‘push through until you collapse and even then carry in bring a mother/Getting up at night’ because that’s what mums fo’.
in reality, a good father doesn’t leave the mother who is bfing on top !! On her own. Just like you wouldn’t have gone to that evening do (let alone if your dh had been on his own with baby) if roles were reversed.

And that the thing too.
I suspect many of the posters would do the same than you - stay with their dh - rather than going out. Recognising looking after a baby when you’re unwell is shit.
I also suspect your dh would have a major issue if you were to leave him on his own in that case too (or maybe he diesnt realise. First baby, never Gettimg up at night, nit bfing. He is unlikely to have never been left with baby in his own fur long stretches. That’s the nice take)

MaurineWayBack · 18/10/2025 11:43

Wavescrashingonthebeach · 18/10/2025 10:02

Yes the baby may wake her frequently- trust me ive BEEN there- but she does not need to do anything other than the bare minimum of feed and change nappies. Baby can go without a bath for one night (or shock horror- two!). Can order takeaway and potter in pajamas. And lie down every single time baby sleeps. And leave the housework for when DH returns home.
Not quite the same as when you have a 2 year old climbing all over you going MUMMY MUMMY MUMMY. I truly have sympathy for the op but I think the harsh posters are just being realistic.

Show quote history

Then you know that sleeping when the baby sleeps doesn’t happen.
That the issue with being woken up is the broken sleep, aka not restful sleep. Etc…

Just because you chose to be a martyr, doesn’t mean everyone should. Or that theyre supposed to because you did,

Petitchat · 18/10/2025 11:55

Some women make martys of themselves and then this causes resentment.

Decent men do the right thing with their families, without even having to be asked.

Decent men don't look on it as "helping" they just automatically do what's needed.

zingally · 18/10/2025 12:03

It's just a cold, hardly the bubonic plague, and you're hardly at deaths door.

A 4-month old is probably perfect, as he'll just stay where you put him and doesn't need active policing like a toddler would.

jacks11 · 18/10/2025 12:46

I think YABU. You have what sounds like a bad cold- yes, you feel rubbish but the reality is you are a bit unwell and that’s it. You can manage, it’s not ideal but it’s not the end of the world either. When you don’t feel well everything feels worse than it is, but I honestly think you just need to have a bit of grit and resilience and get on with it. You have had help today from your friend, so you’ve not been at it all by yourself all day anyway.

As this is an event that has been in the diary for a while, I would guess it is probably reasonably important to him in one way or another (not clear if work or purely social event). So no, I don’t think he should skip it. I would say the same if the positions were reversed and you had plans and your DH had a bad cold.

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