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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH at event while I'm unwell

173 replies

iridescentbloom · 17/10/2025 16:51

My husband has an event tonight that has been in the diary for months.

I've woke up with a horrible cold - sore throat, runny nose, body aches, not helped by the fact our baby is going through the 4 month sleep regression and had me up every hour last night. (Me, not my husband, as he had work today so just did one nappy change in the night)

Husband got in from work and essentially headed straight out to this event, he'll be home around midnight tonight.

AIBU that I was hoping he'd stay home to help me with the baby whilst I'm feeling so rotten? I've had help from a friend during the day but am still going to have to face bedtime alone (which is a trial in itself at the moment), as well as the many wake ups that will happen before he gets home.

It's not like this is his first evening out since we've had the baby - he's had many.

OP posts:
Maia77 · 17/10/2025 23:33

You are not being unreasonable.

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 17/10/2025 23:33

I really think that it depends what the event is and whether by not going he would also be letting other people down (i.e. whether it was related to work, a best friend's stag or something that he had bought tickets for which had cost a fortune). Personally my husband would always have offered to look after his baby if I were too unwell to and wouldn't have gone out. People qre saying that "it's only a cold". Well, I had the new strain of covid recently and it was far worse than a cold and took much longer to get over. Throat infections can make you feel pretty lousy too. The sooner you rest the better you will feel. You still have to get through next week whilst he's at work. Two days over the weekend is actually quite a short period, even if he does all the work and you don't lift a finger, which i doubt it. I'm surprised by the responses here. Being unwell and looking after a young baby is pure hell. Hope that you feel better soon.

Grammarnut · 17/10/2025 23:37

I have no idea what the 4 mths sleep regression is but guess it's what I called (and everyone else) the point when a baby changes its sleeping pattern and settles into a new one. You make it sound grim, sadly, and at least your DH changed a nappy in the night.
It's only one night. Snuggle up with a blanket on the sofa and dose yourself up (it's only a cold - you wouldn't be standing up if it was anything worse such as flu). Have baby with you on the sofa and let them constantly feed and snuggle. Watch TV - anything cosy or Traitors or Strictly etc. Have something nice to drink by you (not alcohol) and some nice nibbles, cheese, crisps, dips etc and eat them all evening, whilst feeding. Bet baby goes to sleep and you can put them down.
Others say you can take ibuprofen - if you feel happy about that take some.
Take DH up on point about you not missing event and next time something comes up, go, even if he has 'man flu'.

JFDIYOLO · 17/10/2025 23:37

Tell him he's on duty tomorrow. You need rest to get over it. He can take the baby out and be in charge of the feeding and nappies.

Umidontknow · 17/10/2025 23:44

It's a cold. I'm all for men pulling their weight but the world doesn't stop because of a cold. Who was going to have your baby if you had gone? If you are really that unwell couldn't they still have helped for the evening?

Fireflybaby · 17/10/2025 23:50

I am thinking if the shoe was on the other foot and you had an event and your DH was miserable with a cold, would he have expected you to cancel your event to stay home with the baby?
If the answer is yes, then yeah, I totally understand where you're coming from...
We, mothers, seem to be able to pull through and manage everything no matter how we feel. And it is expected of us, but it never happens in reverse.
I understand.
Well, he didn't stay home, he left so the only thing I can recommend is throw all parenting rules out the window, get yourself and baby comfortable , make sure you have a hot drink close by and meds and just get though the evening until husband comes home. Tomorrow pass on the baby to him and wish him good luck and you go to bed x

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 17/10/2025 23:52

Shewhoshallnotbenamed91 · 17/10/2025 22:45

It's been in the diary months. It's not his issue your feeling unwell. You have a cold your not dying. You really don't need him to miss out and stay home. You have to parent through all illness! This is just the beginning

Of course it's his issue if she's feeling unwell and is unable to properly care tor his baby. if they employed a nanny or childminder then she would call in sick and he would have to deal with it. If the OP returns to work and their baby is too unwell to go to nursery, then it's his issue too. Because, guess what .. he is also a parent and it is also his responsibility to ensure that his baby has someone able and well enough to adequately look after it! I would also argue that it's also his issue insofar as maintaining a good supportive relationship with his wife. As an aside, both my husband did nearly die from a 'cold' a few years ago when his sore throat triggered sepsis. He ended up on a life support for weeks and his recovery took several years. He still suffers from bouts of tiredness. When he does it is definitely my issue because the children are also my children so obviously I have to drop my plans to step in. And that's the way that it should be. The children come first, always, and that includes ensuring that the person looking after them is fit enough to do so.

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 17/10/2025 23:55

3luckystars · 17/10/2025 23:14

You are.

Show quote history

No you're not!

Shewhoshallnotbenamed91 · 17/10/2025 23:56

Nayyercheekyfeckers · 17/10/2025 23:52

Of course it's his issue if she's feeling unwell and is unable to properly care tor his baby. if they employed a nanny or childminder then she would call in sick and he would have to deal with it. If the OP returns to work and their baby is too unwell to go to nursery, then it's his issue too. Because, guess what .. he is also a parent and it is also his responsibility to ensure that his baby has someone able and well enough to adequately look after it! I would also argue that it's also his issue insofar as maintaining a good supportive relationship with his wife. As an aside, both my husband did nearly die from a 'cold' a few years ago when his sore throat triggered sepsis. He ended up on a life support for weeks and his recovery took several years. He still suffers from bouts of tiredness. When he does it is definitely my issue because the children are also my children so obviously I have to drop my plans to step in. And that's the way that it should be. The children come first, always, and that includes ensuring that the person looking after them is fit enough to do so.

Show quote history

Nearly dying from sepsis is the such a small % risk. Chances are OP has a cold and is mad he isn't running around after her.
I wouldn't expect him to stay home because I had a cold. I would dose up on cold flu and sleep when little one sleeps. It's life unfortunately we don't all have nanny ECT. How on earth do single parents cope when ill. People are too soft

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/10/2025 00:02

Slightly dependent on the event but my husband used to take over if I was unwell if he could without letting people down (speaking at event for example).

Littlemisscapable · 18/10/2025 00:05

FuzzyWolf · 17/10/2025 16:57

Your baby is four months old and it’s a very easy age to look after when you are also unwell. Trust me, you will both have endless viruses and illnesses that you will catch from your child/ren over time and you can’t just expect to be looked after for them all.

I’d have encouraged DH to go out.

This. It's a cold you will be fine.

JudgeBread · 18/10/2025 00:09

On Mumsnet it seems to be the case that you have to accept being the bottom of your husband's priority list, and any deviation from this is you being precious, demanding and completely and utterly unreasonable.

I just asked my husband what he'd do in this position and he looked baffled, said "stay home with the baby and let you sleep, obviously". Evidently having a husband who loves you and is willing to deviate from his Very Important Man Schedule to do something nice for you is seen as a sign of tremendous weakness on here.

I'm with you though OP, sleep regression sucks and it sucks even harder when you're sick and alone. An offer of help would've been nice.

I'll finish by asking, when was your last evening out, since this isn't even a once in a blue moon night out for him?

EilonwyWithRedGoldHair · 18/10/2025 00:19

YANBU.

Sounds miserable, especially with the sleeping issues as well. Breastfeeding, ill and no sleep - I don't blame you for wanting your DH to look after you.

I don't get the comparison to single parents. OP isn't a single parent. We can all manage many things when we have to, it doesn't mean wanting help is a bad thing.

MrsSkylerWhite · 18/10/2025 00:20

JudgeBread · 18/10/2025 00:09

On Mumsnet it seems to be the case that you have to accept being the bottom of your husband's priority list, and any deviation from this is you being precious, demanding and completely and utterly unreasonable.

I just asked my husband what he'd do in this position and he looked baffled, said "stay home with the baby and let you sleep, obviously". Evidently having a husband who loves you and is willing to deviate from his Very Important Man Schedule to do something nice for you is seen as a sign of tremendous weakness on here.

I'm with you though OP, sleep regression sucks and it sucks even harder when you're sick and alone. An offer of help would've been nice.

I'll finish by asking, when was your last evening out, since this isn't even a once in a blue moon night out for him?

Edited

Depressing, isn’t it.

Macarena1980 · 18/10/2025 00:24

People are being very unsympathetic to you, i don’t think your being unreasonable, 4mth old is still early days and at that stage people would understand if you had to cancel last minute. I think he should have stayed at home and helped and looked after you. Hope you’re feeling better and make sure he gives you a rest tomorrow.

FourIsNewSix · 18/10/2025 00:25

YANBU.

I'd expect him to actively ask you whether you will manage on your own and promise to take a solo care of the child over most of the Saturday if he goes.

His failure to check doesn't look good.

PeacefulHouse · 18/10/2025 00:44

Also it's winter soon, odds are you're going to have more colds between now and next spring, I'd save the cancellations for when you're really ill

Yes, I'm guessing this is op's first baby. It's really crap when for the first time in your life you can't just take yourself to bed with a Lemsip and sleep it off.
Because baby.

It happens over and over and then eventually there are 2 kids and maybe then even 3. By which time you are more attuned to the reality of being a parent.
It never stops unless you're hospitalised !!

Sorry, not at all helpful but it's the raw truth.

JayJayj · 18/10/2025 00:47

I get it. The lack of sleep feels like torture. So add feeling ill on top of it is too much.

I do think he should have gone but I understand why you would have wanted him to stay.

He needs to make it up the next day so you can rest and get better.

Cherryicecreamx · 18/10/2025 00:51

As it's been in the diary for months, I think you are being unreasonable here as hard as it is!
If your illness was worse/needed A&E, broken something etc. then yes I think he should sacrifice the plans, but not for a cold.

Mondaytuesdayhappydays · 18/10/2025 00:57

Blimey how parenting resilience for the primary carer has changed in the last 25/30 years
I waiver between thinking it’s a good/bad thing… but honestly a non mobile infant to hunker down with when you’ve got a nasty head cold for something in the diary, I assume important for the wage earner?
Cripes it’s a different world now from when I had my six kids

RustedOver · 18/10/2025 02:05

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.
My husband can be very uncaring, and selfish.
He’d do the same as your husband, without a second thought.

You feel ill, you aren’t being unreasonable, just poorly.

Make sure you get some time away for a weekend soon..

RustedOver · 18/10/2025 02:08

And bottle feed. I think we are put in a worse situation by breast feeding, constantly tired and tied to the baby.
Congratulations on the baby, but look after yourself too.

MirandaBlu · 18/10/2025 02:16

... he said he wouldn't ask me to miss an event if it was the other way around ...

If your going to an event meant his staying home alone with the baby and he felt he was was too sick to take care of her, then he would have had to ask you to stay home, or ask you to help line someone up to come in and stay with him and look after the baby. If you are that ill and he knows it, he is probably being unreasonable. If not quite that ill - you CAN look after the baby but it's a strain - then I guess it depends what type of event it is. If it's something he's expected to do for work, or a family obligation, or a very special occasion for a close friend then I'd give him more of the benefit of the doubt than if it's a routine/optional work or social event.

WaltzingWaters · 18/10/2025 03:26

I wouldn’t have expected him to miss the event. I would expect him to pick up the slack tomorrow and let you sleep in and rest.

PollyBell · 18/10/2025 04:33

So if a mum had event they really wanted to go to and came on here and said their partner had 'man flue' would they be told you have to stay and look after the baby? They would advise tell him to just get on with it