Holidays with young kids just not worth it? Holiday from hell incoming…

[Welshinlondonmum]

Myself (F45), DP (M47), DS (3-nearly 4) and DD (9Months) are on day 2 of 11 night holiday and I’m already at the end of my tether and wondering are holidays just not worth it with young kids?

DS just runs off and doesn’t look back. He’s always been a runner and we’ve tried everything - reigns, refuses to sit in high chair, pops out of buggy that we brought to try and contain him. This morning I’ve had to wrestle him into chair to get breakfast in him, being stared at by others disapprovingly. Eventually got so cross I shouted at him as last night he cried for 20 mins before bed he was starving - when he refused to sit down in restaurant and eat! He’s also dairy intolerant so we have to wait for his food to be made, which doesn’t help. He escaped from kids club this morning. We were thankfully sat on loungers outside, but I jumped up to chase him and slipped on wet tiles. I’ve really hurt my back as a result and can’t lift or chase him now. Already dreading a night of breastfeeding in a hotel bed when my back in agony like this.

Also livid as I booked this holiday as they take kids from 3 at kids club but they don’t lock the door. Myself or DP will have to stay with him at every session if we want to give each other a break, which I was so desperate for. Last night he escaped kids disco and can also open hotel room door from inside, so having to barricade ourselves in with suitcases as there’s no way to keep door child safe.

We’ve been on at least 8 holidays with him since he was born and this could be the worst so far! I thought with age he would calm down a bit.

DS caring and loving and generally well behaved in childcare but really pushes it when in a busy environment . I’m firm and try to have consistent boundaries, stay calm but DP has a short temper and ends up frustrated and angry. To be frank, I don’t blame him, but this just adds to overall stress. DS just doesn’t stop moving - typical boy x10. He also has a mild tic and Dr has suggested potential ADHD, but says we must wait till school to refer when he’s older. But it is challenging and we are at a loss how to do ‘normal’ things.

DD (9M) is lovely but attached to me constantly- cries minute I put her down and squirms when dad holds her. Combo feeding but she’s in with me feeding all night off and on, so sleep is lacking. I was also up till 4am packing to leave at 10.30am. I just managed a last minute bikini wax at 9am on 3hrs sleep. Husband annoyed I left this till ‘last minute’ - Plus now I’ve unpacked I’ve realised I’ve got 3 tshirts, 3 pairs of knickers and several dresses that don’t work for breastfeeding whilst I managed to pack for both kids and husbands! My clothes order and underwear currently say in next which I had no time to retrieve :(

DP and I already arguing over sons behaviour and generally sniping about how he hates the stress of holiday. But I was desperate for a break but this is far from relaxing.

DP saying he cannot cope with DS and is physically shaking from his behaviour and keeps saying he’s going to have a heart attack!! I literally feel completely overwhelmed. Both miserable!

I know people on here will say I have a DP problem but I’m literally just looking for some kind words of advice on how to deal with son right now in this All inclusive hotel that is not set up for young kids, despite the reviews to the contrary. I’m trying to salvage the holiday and not feel like a hormonal, breast feeding, frazzled mum who’s completely overwhelmed with the worry of 9 days of this! praying it all calms down soon and we find some calm! Is this possible with 2 young kids?

Thanks if you’ve read this far! Please be kind - any advice?

I know you want time with the baby but if you feel you need time to yourself as well, dh could take the 3yo to go play with the baby napping in the pram so you get time on your own and vice versa.

Your son evidently enjoys the kids club and playing with other kids but he's not able to do it without a parent - that's fairly typical for most 3yo.

I'm glad he was allowed to stand up and eat today and that made life easier. A lot of being a parent of a neurodivergent child is letting go of other people's expectations about what you "should" be doing, and instead doing what works.

Good luck for tomorrow, I'm sure you'll have a lovely day. Id say keep a mental note of what works better, what doesn't work, compare notes with your husband. Communication is everything. Even write it down to remind yourselves in the moment so you can figure out the best way to help your son stay regulated. Write down positive moments as well. It helps to read back in the hard moments.

One thing me and my husband have had to get very good at is realising when we are becoming dysregulated ourselves and handing off to the other parent and walking away for a bit. Also building rest time into our days so we know that we will have a chance to recuperate - for example on holiday having half hour scheduled in to go and get a coffee in peace and quiet while the other parent deals with the kids. The instant you or your husband recognises you are getting frustrated with your son, you hand over to the other and walk away for a minute.

I didn't get that impression from the OP. And this is her 3 year old's 8th holiday since he was born. So she clearly has a pretty healthy holiday budget. I have a friend who reduced to one holiday a year with a travel nanny instead of two without as she said it was so much less stressful she'd rather go away less and be more relaxed.

I just don’t get your logic as a parent, and why you are doing your husbands packing too

Its hard, I've got no advice but solidarity. Mine are 3 and 5 and holidays are an ordeal. We've started going on long weekends an hour down the road and calling it a holiday - they dont know the difference at this age and its easier to cope with than a week/ fortnight. Hope you get through it, and then get yourself a babysitter and relax on a date night after you get home.

You can do cottage and caravan abroad. We have. Yog can go out for a meal just saying.

Haven’t read the whole thread, but my advice would be to let go of what you consider a traditional holiday - relaxing by the pool, drinks, long dinners etc.

We've travelled all over the world with toddlers and love it so much! But we focus on doing things as it’s just build in entertainment - museums, walks, beach, attractions etc. We only eat out when child is asleep (nap/in the evening) or accept food will be a quick affair (take away or just eat and go vibes).

Fook me - aged 45 and having a 3 year and a 9 month old! It was hard enough when I was 25, can't imagine doing that now (47) when I'm all old and creaky.

We've just had a lovely 2 week holiday with our twin 2 year olds a 3 and 4 yr old....They loved the pool and beach, trips to animal parks, aquarium etc a couple of days were wet so we did sticker and colouring books for some of there favourite treats and watched some cartoons with them. Went to a few parks great for running there energy off and had a few nice meals out. Maybe you need to do more child friendly things as if you don't kids just go hyper and bored. We found that once we started having kids had to totally change what kind of holidays we have and it does work

It does not sound relaxing OP I hope things settle down soon.

Just wondering why your nearly 4 DS is still in a high chair and stroller? I struggled containing my 2 year old in these contraptions and now she is 3 she sits at the table on a normal chair and the stroller is collecting dust. She really enjoyed the independence from them.

Relaxing holidays as you once knew them have changed for the time being. At least while the kids are so young. This stage won’t last forever but for now it will help to accommodate the children rather than expect them to understand what holiday mode is.
They are likely unable to understand the upheaval of not being at home and don’t know what to do or how to behave except to either have fun by running away or clinging to the person making her feel safe.
Both mine were Velcro babies and the youngest was an incessant runner and mover.
He is now 9, diagnosed ADHD and DCD, and always upto something 😅
Time to relax is likely going to be a tag team event for you and DP, but that’s ok - it’s just the norm for now. Just make sure he is on board with that.
Take some prepped non dairy food/snacks with you so he can be entertained before his meal arrives or feed the kids first before you go out to dinner so they can snack when out. Colouring in, playing with toys and movement breaks will all be essential.
it won’t be like this forever but it’s a mind shift for now.
PS get your DP to pack the bags on the way home this time x

When you get home, get DS assessed for ADHD.

Start making a huge effort to get your 9 month old to sleep through the night. Look into strategies and see what one might work for you, then stick to it. Plan this with DH. Talk to each other as you work through it.

I agree get his food at the room and take a few snacks to the restaurant, we played snap endless games of eye spy and those water painting books were a god send. Let him kneel up in a chair if he is not eating and he can be a big boy!

I have to say boys are wired for adventure. My Ds was a loud bold lively little boy. I read “raising boys” by Steve Biddulph and it really helped me understand that this is a massive development stage. Don’t start labelling his so young, this is quite normal and my DS when through tics and lost speech at this age, it all passes but raising boys is exciting and they don’t always fit into our expectations he is a baby until age 5.

Well,depends on the kids, I think, OP. I've seen some really well behaved toddlers and very calm babies on holiday this summer. I didn't start taking mine abroad until they were 6. Your holiday does sound very stressful, but if you've been on holiday 8 time since you 4 year old was born , surely you must have known what your ds's behaviour was like.

I would also say to plan the day with a decent walk, perhaps play in the pool until three and back for a nap we found our were too over tired after being in the sun and playing. The nap before dinner made a difference we did too. If they have entertainment they were alway great with children at the shows . Often that reset bedtime too

The OP hasn't said she's taken her child on this type of holiday before. How he would react in a noisy AI buffet resturant may well have come as a surprise. As has the fact that the kids club isn't suitable. If DS was able to sit and eat regular meals and could have a few hours in KC the holiday may well be looking very different.

No advice sorry just solidarity. I hear you.
it sounds like you’ve had a really hard year and completely understand the feeling of desperately needing a break and almost romanticising a holiday only to go away and feel even more stressed because it’s been such a build up and stress to get there and it’s just not how you envisaged it to be. My friends and I call holidays “same shit, no kit 🤣.”
Also ignore people having a pop because you have put your child in holiday club - different strokes for different folks- I was desperately upset that my child was too young for holiday club at 6 months 🤣 Whenever someone complains about being overwhelmed with parenting, work, relationship etc the comments always suggest getting a babysitter / time away from the kids to recharge - I don’t see why people feel the need to dig at you for wanting an hour or so of your holiday to relax without your 4 year old whilst they would be having a great time too (obviously different if they hated the kids club)
I also completely get the wax - I am deeply disorganised, type b mum (not saying you are) but that would 100% be me even before I had kids 🤣 - so solidarity.

sound alike you needed to vent and glad you have. There’s been loads of good advice already and it sounds like you’re taking those on. Hopefully rest of the trip will be easier. Like others have said don’t put too much pressure on yourself, try to carve some time out for you and DP where can as well as one on one time each kid. It doesn’t feel like it now hut one day you will look back at rose tinted glasses with fond memories of this time. Only thing I would suggest and others have is maybe some UK holidays in future - not necessarily exclusively but loads of gorgeous places that are v family friendly that come without the stress of a long haul flight etc and means you don’t build it up as much so less chance to have disappointment when things invariably go up the shitter as they can with kids abroad. I know you said no GPs - maybe if you really want a family holiday abroad could consider a villa with another close couple / family where it feels less intense and everyone can share the load a little bit more. Might be better for both yours and your husbands mental health.! hope you get some sleep soon and enjoy what’s left

I feel for you OP. I did one holiday with a verbally (rather than physically) ‘active’ DS when he was 3 and I never did it again. When I then had more DC with a new partner we just did self catering in Wales. That way we could keep to normal routines, feed them healthy food that they knew and liked, go to some not too busy beaches, and call it a day when needed. My youngest are now mid teen and it’s only now that I feel like holidays abroad are worth it and in any way relaxing for me. For adults who maybe care less about the impact of their DC in public places, and are less ‘on it’ in terms of safety, maybe they can ‘go with the flow’ more, but that didn’t feel relaxing for me. I’d try to find when the restaurants are quiet when you are and have one of you sit and order early, eating at that point themselves and only bringing DC to the table once the food had arrived. That way you don’t have the difficult wait at the table and one of you has eaten in peace to manage the DC when you are at the table together.

hey - he hasn’t been in a high chair since early 2. Think my OP read incorrectly when I said we’ve tried everything to contain the running over the years.

The stroller had been a god send this holiday at airport with 2 children. as I say - he is a runner and doesn’t stop. For a safety reason the stroller was a choice. He usually use a buggy board but he jumps off that as well and will run near the road etc. I’ve had to get a double buggy for the child minder drop off. It’s just too much with baby and him sadly. He does a lot of outdoor activities like sports and swimming. This doesn’t have the desired effect to wear him out until he literally goes to bed after talking ten to the dozen! Suddenly turns over and says ‘good night’ and then sleeps.

Hi OP that sounds so tough and it’s so frustrating when what you imagined with kids (nice family holiday together) doesn’t seem to be working!

I would personally say it does sound like your DS does have some individual needs going on. The constant running at nearly 4 is not what you would expect at that age. Nor is the lack of attention to sit. I think trying to ‘wear him out’ is not going to work if he has ADHD or something along those lines as actually pushing them to their limits so they are so tired can make it worse.

Try to give up on what you think he should be doing and try to make some adjustments to try and make the rest of the holiday as manageable as possible e.g divide and conquer so one adult gets regular breaks, small meals on the go rather than expecting big sit down meals. The buggy sounds like a godsend and otherwise it’s hand holding or reins. When you get back home, phone the HV and see if you can start the process for an assessment. If hes in any childcare liaise with them to get the ball rolling. I’m not sure how easy it is for a diagnosis (it’s always a shocker SEN services) but keep insisting and advocating for him.

It sounds like your DH is getting very stressed with it all and I can understand it’s disappointing when they are not acting like a ‘normal’ child. But hopefully getting somewhere with a diagnosis or help at home will help with strategies, meeting other parents in the same position at SEN groups etc.

The kids’ club staff do have a duty to keep the children safe, but when you have a child who’s as an extreme a Houdini as your son, it’s then not feasible to keep him contained as well as look after all the other children in the club. It sound like your child would need a 1:1 in this situation, which I’m guessing the hotel just can’t accommodate. There will be certain behavioural expectations and your child clearly doesn’t want to be in there if he keeps trying to bolt. You admit you and your husband struggle to stop him from escaping, so personally I’d either speak to hotel management about his potential SEN and see if there’s anything they can do, or knock the kids’ club idea on the head and tag team looking after him. One sits by the pool with the more chilled out DD, whilst the other takes DS to play in the pool / on the beach etc. It’s not ideal and I do really feel for you as it’s awful anticipating a fantastic family holiday that doesn’t come off, but you need to make the most of the time you have left there.

From experience, kids with adhd or asd gradually peak at age 4 in terms of overactivity. Youve got a mix of more freedom out of constraints of buggys etc and more awareness of how to get out of these things but still a lack of danger awareness.

With all the love in the world, this isn't a family holiday issue, this is life with a child with additional needs. A nearly 4 year old wouldn't normally escape from kids club, or run off and not sense danger in a strange environment, or be totally unable to sit for a meal despite having food and you providing entertainment. My son is ND and some situations are really hard, and difficult and not what you wanted/needed/expected/everyone else has. You both need to come to terns with it. Research some strategies for supporting him, especially in busy environments. Find places to holiday that aren't busy and that are easy environments for him.
Stop getting cross, it's not his fault the holiday isn't turning into what you wanted, the fact he's normally well behaved makes me think he's really struggling. Try and get into a holiday routine as the predictability might help and try and do active stuff in the day to help let out some energy. Can you find a restaurant with a play area so he can get down and run (with supervision).
Give everyone (yourself, dh, rhe holiday, your kids) some grace. Holidays can be wonderful with kids, but they're never perfect, kids can horrid, parents can get things wrong, couples argue. It'll never be like Instagram.

Ignore the judging around buggy. We took our double pram away when kids were 1 and 4 and it was essential. Shade for when too hot, handy for when pavements were narrow, roads fast and a bed for later meals ‘alone’. Both kids wanted to be in it at times and it helped with us having time alone.

We wouldn’t have used a buggy at all at home at the ages we used on holiday. 5/6 year old who can’t stay up late being in buggy when 9 year old wants to watch fireworks at eurodisney - yes please! Same for the ‘Greek night’ in the hotel when one wants to stay up and dance and one wants to curl up and get sleepy- oh yes!

So we always did foreign holidays with ours but yes they are tricky and you learn what works just to get glimpses of happiness/fun.

We always took a pram of sorts for both for a long time.

Toys toys toys and more new toys. We had a budget each day for a little crap toy to buy to play with at dinner.

Lots of swimming where we would trade off between kids.

IPads when needed. It’s a holiday and you do what you can.

We always made sure we had a nice time for an hour on the balcony once they had gone to sleep. Took a little speaker (on low) and got nice snacks in the day.

I would have half an hour or so once I had got ready for the evening to sit at the bar and get a drink and read my book while he finished getting ready and then brought the kids down.

Meals could be hit and miss. We would always be ready to take turns going for a walk and one of us would usually go back earlier with the kids and the other one get dessert alone.

We would often get food for room picnics and had the best night once with kids asleep and us in comfies with plates brought back to the room watching Line of Duty streamed on the iPad. My need for a perfect holiday had crashed and burned at that point after days of bad weather (abroad) but giving in to it felt like such a relief 😂

We would do a couple of kids club sessions a week and absolutely make the most of these. I would complain severely about the kids club issue - it has ruined your holiday - be firm on that.

We also found hiring a car was really good when they were a bit older than yours. Gave us all some downtime. They were used to chatting in the car and listening to music and shock sometimes watching a film in the iPad. Then we could also go to more quiet beaches which lowered the stress.

I’ve had many a happy time on holiday with the kids tired after a stunning active beach day and strapped into their car seats with us stood by the car with the door open, eating an ice cream and enjoying the view while they were safe for a minute 😂

If nothing else you will look at the photos for years and always remember the best bits. Solidarity!

I feel your pain OP. We tried a hotel when our two were a similar age. We only did it once. It just wasn’t relaxing. The eldest wouldn’t stay in kids club, mealtimes were a hassle finding something they’d eat, one of us constantly had to amuse the eldest, one of us had to go and sit in the room with the youngest for their nap. Both were tired and grouchy by 8 so we ended up putting them to bed and sitting on a tiny balcony with a bottle of wine and a bag of nuts! We decided for the same cost we could hire a little villa where we had our own pool and they could play happily whilst we supervised from our sunbeds! Yes it was a bit more work in terms of cooking but it was in all far more relaxing.

we went back to the AI hotels once they were 6 and 8 and they were much better.