Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

S your DH didn't invite his mother or his sister? YABU. It looks very mean.

You keep saying that this was your fiancé’s decision but it wasn’t. It’s your wedding, therefore you jointly decided who to invite.

It’s a kick in the teeth to not only not invite his mother, but to invite an aunt who is either her sister or sister-in-law. If your fiancé is too thick to see this you should have pointed it out to him.

That said, it’s not fair that his family are blaming you. Your fiancé (who isn’t coming out of this at all well) really should clear this up.

If his mum put her partner before her son, especially when he was abusive towards him, sounds like he had a safe person in his auntie and so I can completely see why he'd prefer her there. He's happy with it, you're happy with it.
Ofcourse you'd want loving, supporting people to be the three guests, so that's what you have done.
Perhaps his mum should reflect a little on why it's this way but doesn't sound like she will. The auntie possibly seen the dynamics of how her nephew was brought up so is happy to continue being his support and loved one. I'd definitely step in for my nephew on that situation, if my sister/SIL wasn't happy, I'd be the first to tell her why her choices while raising him made it this way.

It is what it is, so long as your partner makes it clear that it was his decision and stands by you when his mum and sister kick off, what else can you do. Judging from your posts, it doesn't sound like there's much to gain from his side anyway so who cares what they think, he should handle their issues. Have a fab wedding day!

I come from a family with DV etc..I wouldn’t do this to my Mum (she was cold and unloving because she was struggling to survive) and wonder what kind of person you are marrying that thinks making such a hurt filled decision is ok? Unless his aunt reared him I can’t see this as anything more than a slap in the face and your not noticing seems to show you are a good match. It’s a hurt that shows how his Mum is regarded and pretty unforgettable..I’d be horrified to have this unkindness attached to a day about love..the whole thing would feel tainted. Unless she is an absolute monster this is cruel ..but sadly already done.

I got married in a Catholic church as I am Catholic however my husband is not Catholic and there was absolutely no issue with this. My husband did not need to get baptised.

I don't agree that's why OP is getting the reaction she is. There may be perfectly good reasons why he chose his aunt over his mother. The issue is the ridiculous notion that it's shocking his mother is upset about that.

She may be reaping what she sowed, but the clear outcome of choosing the aunt over the mother would be her being extremely upset and (if the type to do it) making a massive scene about it. Maybe he wants to be no contact with his mother, but this is a very high conflict way to achieve that. I don't understand why you'd do this unprepared and if you actually cared about her coming to the wedding meal. I can see the DP deciding he didn't want her at the ceremony because of history but that means he should be no contact and should not be using their wedding as the occasion he decides to make his point. If the ceremony really means nothing to him, then he should has chosen his mother to avoid the conflict around your wedding (and if I were you I wouldn't have accepted his choice of his aunt for that reason).

I also think future DH has thrown you under a bus here. Are you absolutely sure he isn't playing you and future MIL off against each other?

I’m going to disagree with many here. But just because she is his mother doesn’t mean she has a right to be there.

she has made her choices that have led to the relationship with him not being good. His aunt, the person he obviously feels supported by, is who he wants to be there.

The size of the wedding is irrelevant. I have a feeling she’d have found a reason to blame you for something regardless.

I would follow your DHs wishes here. He’s the one who has grown up in this family. Be led by him. Big some sense of societal obligation.

Yep …he should be handling and explaining this

I agree, I think you need to take some time and really try to get a good understanding of the dynamics here before you commit to this man. It all sounds very dysfunctional, I'm not trying to say that people with strained relationships with their parents can't make good partners. I do however think it's what I'd call an amber flag, something that you need to take the time to look into.

In that case YABU and of course she will feel upset.

@marryescargatoire - I dont think it is fair that OP is bearing the brunt of this all. As for shock, I have been to a number of weddings in europe where the bit everyone was invited to was the bit that the bride and groom felt most important, but if you were nit picking you would say it was not the actual wedding. I find it odd that people get so focused on one aspect of things, rather than the bit that the bride and groom feel more important.

Yes there is some mixed messaging here. But that is OPs partners messaging, not hers. Its not her job to fix his family dynamics.

She didn't protect her son from her husband's abuse so she shouldn't be surprised that he isn't bothered about having her at his wedding ceremony. I'm assuming that the aunt that he did invite provided him with some love and support while the abuse was going on, so he feels closer to her than to his mother.

Why are people blaming op. When she's clearly stated it's her partners decision and his family have treated her badly in the past.

So your entire immediate family will be there, but his immediate family wont be? I can see why they are miffed tbh, unless there is a strict restriction by the venue on numbers, why start off your married life with bad feelings to your new in-laws - what would be so awful about them being there that your husband-to-be is willing to irreparably damage his relationship with his sister and mum?

Well, given that she wasn't invited in the first place, I don't blame her. To invite her sister, over her - that is a nasty nasty slap in the face - unless you're going to drip feed that his mother was abusive or neglectful.

Your partner's meanness - in money & invitations - is coming home to roost. I hope he realises what his frugality has cost him - a happy family, and a family who is happy for him.

And you are not uninvolved in this - why did you allow his meanness over the size of the bloody room & it's cost, to overshadow what should be a happy occasion?

What was the discussion with regards to who got 2 people and who got 1?

I don't think you can play naive, not inviting a mother to the legal part of a wedding is a very, very big deal.

so then you wouldn'T make them feel unwelcome and left out at Christmas then would you, unlike OPs MIL

I’ve said YANBU giving birth to someone dose not give them automatic right to be prioritised for life events like weddings. Just because your mum and sister are there also dosnt mean his sister and mum should automatically be there.

You have a cap on the number of people your allowed, you choose your side and he chose his. Fuck what his family say, if they come at you direct them to the man that made the decision and walk away.

i was railroaded into having a bigger wedding the first time I was married, it was supposed to be no more than 10 people, we had best man, maid of honour, in-laws & exs 3 siblings and DSD that was 8 people, I had 2 friends but exs aunt kicked off she was being pushed out in favour of my friends, I literally had 3 people because my family lived overseas. Anyway it was a shit show, the aunt worked high up in the LA and pulled strings to get us a bigger room, we ended up with 50 people and were then expected to feed them all. Our original plan was a pub meal then a small reception at a local sports club. I was extremely intimidated by his family, all bullies but hadn’t got the courage up to tell them to fuck off so I kept quiet and took the stick. That would not happen now.

If you’re inviting your parentb, it seems unkind not to invite his.

It looks like you're trying to make a point- something along the lines of you blame his DM for not including you, so now you're not including her with your your faux innocence "why would she be top of mind when she has ignored me"

Has he told them it's not your fault? He needs to tell his DM he chose his aunt over her.

But I don't understand why you keep saying that you're not close to his DM.so they weren't top of mind to you?.
Because if it was his choice, it doesn't matter who was top of mind to you.

But also- even if you didn't know his DM, you are aware he has a DM so thie whole "they weren't top of mind" thing doesn't really make much sense.
Because as I said at the beginning, I suspect that's not truth.

It sounds as if your fiancé has taken this as an opportunity to get back at his mother because of resentment he feels towards her. What is her relationship with the aunt who is invited like?

Of course it’s horrific to have your mum there but not his mum.

honestly some men have no back bone.

awful for him to have allowed that!

Who does your soon to be husband want to invite to his wedding?

I wasn’t invited to my mum’s wedding (but friends and neighbours were) and yes, it hurt because we were close back then (or so I thought).

If I had my wedding to do over again now, my mum and her partner wouldn’t be invited as we are NC. This would have nothing to do with Dh or who we invited from his side. It would be totally down to me not wanting them to be there. This should be your fiancé’s decision and you should support him either way.

That’s exactly what happened. He actually lived with his auntie for a time as a teenager. She was the only one celebrating our engagement, inviting both of us for Christmas and other important occasions… I personally see her as his mum in a way, and he does too. His mum told him she downed a bottle of vodka when she found out she’s having him, and she openly despises his biological father who wasn’t in his life for 12 years (which is fair enough, I sympathise with her in that regard).