Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

What is the price difference between the tiny room and the next smallest room? Only being allowed three people sounds incredibly odd to me. I have seen small venues but that sounds like a cupboard.

OP, you are getting a really hard time on here, unfairly I think.

You offered to wait to have a bigger wedding. Your fiance did not want to.
You see the ceremony as just paperwork and the reception where you are going to read your vows.
Your fiance got to decide who to invite which was not his mother. You are being blamed for this, in his family and here.
His family is abusive or has been in the past.

So, firstly you need to set the record straight as does your DP. He needs to tell his family what his thinking was and if it comes up again, direct them to him. Lots of women get blamed for their husband or partners behaviour and often because their own families dont want to admit that they have done anything to cause them to be treated that way.

@JanineR How much is your dress / shoes / outfit etc. costing?

To be honest I wish we thought of doing it that way sooner, just inviting strangers instead. We really don’t see the ceremony oat as the biggest part of the wedding, hence why we were so taken aback at the reaction. We want to have a ceremony in a church in a couple years time when my fiancé is baptised which we would invite everybody to. Hence why this wedding is so tiny

So you can have two witnesses for £56, 3 guests for £86 but after that you have to pay for the £241 version?

Seems unlikely...... So you could have just added them on for the extra guest uplift.

Micro wedding my arse - as Jim Royle would say.

YABU

It must be a very small room indeed. 🙄

It sounds like your fiance needs to make the decision on whether or not he wants to be in contact with these people. Some people seem to get into this rut where they stay in contact but treat the person like shit because they hold a grudge and I don't think that does any good.

Thank you. That’s kind of how I see it. I really don’t want it to be like this and I really want to form a relationship between his mum and me, but their relationship isn’t exactly great so that’s not a good starting point. She always prioritised his stepdad during his childhood, even when he was abusive to him, and that kind of started everything and it is the reason why we moved in together so early on. They feel like I took him away from them though.

You walked right into this one.

I'm sorry - but reading vows at the reception is not the wedding - you know and your guests will know it. It will be just cringe-worthy.

The power imbalence seems a bit off between you. You suggested, he insisted, you acquiesced.

I suggest you both arrange to met with his Mum - apologise profusely with him doing the talking and you the nodding. Invite her in place of your sister.

And please be really clear as to who is signing the register, ie being the actual 'witnesses', as opposed to simply a guest. I know from personal experience this can cause big issues. I would further suggest you ask your mums to sign.

If course she was excluded intentionally. It was hardly an accident. You chose someone else instead of her, while including your own mother and sister. That's as intentional a snub as can possibly be imagined.

I would be devastated in her place, as would any other mother, I'm sure.

What’s that got to do with anything? So she can’t have a new outfit for her wedding and has to pay for a bigger room instead?

No, we were presented with 3 options. The smallest room was the cheapest hence why we chose that one. We can’t add any more guests, otherwise we would.

To misquote Lady Rose from Downton abbey, 'this is where I become his wife'.
It's paperwork, yes, but the tiny register office ceremony is where you legally become each others next of kin. I think I'm old fashioned but to me, that is the most important part. The rest is a party.
Having a church blessing in two years time is an awfy long time to wait!

I think most people are responding as if you have a normal relationship with his mum/family
Obviously there are some strained dynamics and adverse childhood experiences going on with dh and his family.

Reddit r/justnomil and r/raisedbynarcissists are very good and can be helpful if any of that resonates with you and your dh.
You have unfortunately bombed the last of the goodwill remaining I imagine lol and hugely offended mil. You will no doubt be blamed even if fiance explains

All dh can do if he wants to salvage any relationship is he sends an apologetic text with the open invitation and don't grovel.it's done now! I imagine she will either 1. Ignore you and you will hear about how awful you are from other members of the family up to and including on your wedding day or 2. Turn up on wedding day and then hold it against you forever.

It is what it is, surely you have discussed the relationship between dh and his mum and estrangement etc prior to this? If not perhaps you need to explore that especially if you are going to have children...

It wasn’t my choice, my fiancé insisted on his aunt coming. I would be more than okay with her coming.

I agree about the church blessing part, but because it is going to be in a Catholic Church my fiancé has to get baptised first which takes time.

Its just that OP said they were ‘paying for everything else’ which sounded like lots of expenditure.. so I wondered if it was a £300 pair of shoes and a £1000 frock, (or more, obviously), then not being able to ’afford’ the extra money to have more witnesses. If it is the case, then the priorities are wrong…

I would be interested in what the relationship is like between the mum and aunt Is the aunt the mum’s sister or a different branch of the family? I can’t imagine mum is too chuffed to be put aside for another relative, whatever reasons there may be for it. There will be (rightly or wrongly) a lot of hurt there.

Sorry. I missed a few pages, and I see it was entirely your fiancé's decision. Then he has to front up and make it absolutely clear that it was entirely his choice and he rejected your suggestions to resolve it.

As for inviting his aunt instead of his mum... That's just astonishingly cruel of him. I'm surprised that the aunt accepted the invitation, knowing that his mum, her own sister, had been rejected in her favour.

They're not invited to the bit where you actually get married.

Either your fiancé's parents have been awful to you so he's gone no-contact with them or you include them properly.

Your version is neither - is your fiancé actually happy with this?

We really don’t see the ceremony oat as the biggest part of the wedding, hence why we were so taken aback at the reaction...

and yet... you invited relatives you are closer to for the part that isn't important?

I think you sent out mixed messages here and, like a PP suggested, the invite list for the ceremony should have reflected the hierarchy of your day with strangers or functional witnesses at the ceremony and your nearest and dearest at the reception.

Still, it's also a pretty odd dynamic with your DH and the aunt. If I was the aunt, there is no way I would take the mother's place, invite or no, so I also think you should examine how your (future)* DH is dealing with this and why he is letting you take the blame.

*edited to add future... there's still time to run for the hills!

I think you were exceptionally naive not to have anticipated that she would be very upset. When it comes down to it, and you have the power to choose 3 people for something, and (as you acknowledge) you chose the three people you were closest to, she didn't make the cut. Of course she's extremely upset - any mother would be (actually and any father who was actually in their child's lives). To make it worse, you (plural) went for her sister over her, and then, your own sister.

Now it sounds like this was you DP's choice not yours and you suggested other options. The only part of this that is on you is your shock that's she's so upset - and I'm not sure I believe you. If you had genuinely thought the ceremony was nothing why did you pick your mum and sister? You could have chosen your next door neighbour and asked your mum and sister to be arranging things at the restaurant. When you raised extending to be able to have more people why were you having that conversation at all unless you were thinking it might be important to have more people in the room.

But this was your DH's choice not yours. Don't accept that you take the blame for this with his family and make sure that he tells his family that this was his choice not yours. He needs to decide whether to try to fix this, or to accept that the relationship with his mother (for both of you) is probably irretrievably broken.

These threads are so weird to me. Sure, invite who you want etc etc, but can it really be a massive shock to anyone, that the groom’s mother is hurt at not being at the ceremony?

We want to have a ceremony in a church in a couple years time when my fiancé is baptised which we would invite everybody to. Hence why this wedding is so tiny

What? You are getting married now, and after a few years of being married, will have another marriage ceremony in a church that you will invite people to? That’s bizarre. Another wedding 2 or 3 years later. Surely guests would think wtf to watch a married couple get married again 2 years later? I’d say I had something else on, and just go do my grocery shopping.

Or perhaps it is a reaction to years of mother not taking care of her son and allowing his step father to abuse him?

Its clear that a lot of people are reacting as if the family dynamics here are those of a happy healthy family. Its clear from OP posts that this is not the case, and MIL is reaping what she sowed over years.