Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

It's the OP as well. You can't simultaneously say you're surprised the MIL is upset, that you didn't think the ceremony mattered and that you didn't even think to invite the MIL and also say you seriously raised the issues of waiting a month for to be able to have a bigger room, and to take both invites for the two family members closest to you. I think OP knew the mother would be upset, just underestimated how upset.

It's also obviously not a situation where the mother has been so horrifically abusive long term that they are happy to not even care about her feelings or that the DP actively doesn't want her there - once the MIL got upset they were rolling to try to rearrange things so she could get there.

The whole thing is completely dysfunctional. I'm not particularly close to my family (not because of anything they've done but just because of how we are as a family) but I still made sure that they were on equal footing with DH's family at our wedding. I actually regret not having a friend rather than my sister as MOH because it did upset my sister a bit to have a friend chosen above her, and I genuinely didn't realise it would. If I had even thought it was a possibility, I would have chosen my sister as MOH because it's just a title that means nothing and my friend wouldn't have been upset (or if she was I could have just said I needed to choose my sister as immediate family).

Of course she is upset about not being invited to her son's wedding.

I seriously don't understand why everyone is blaming the op. She has repeatedly said it was her fiancé's choice to not have his mother at the ceremony and he doesn't want to wait to afford the bigger room.
I would just get on with it op and it might make his mother reflect on her actions.
Good luck and I hope you have a lovely day despite your in laws actions.

How would you feel if in 25 years time your own child didn’t invite you to his or her wedding but his or her MIL was invited?

It IS her fiances decision and she IS supporting him. Just being blamed for his decision making by his family which is not uncommon when there has been abuse and toxicity but the family takes no responsibility for their bad actions.

As for him 'allowing it' @ladykale , did you read the posts? He CHOSE it.

OP, its done now, you just have to live with it. He needs to be open with his family. And you will both have to live with the fallout of what happened so far. Sorry, it sounds tough for you. IME, lots of men dont stand up to their families until they have a gf or wife - but then it is easy for the family to blame her for the new dynamics.

If she’s not talking to you it sounds she’s not coming to the reception either? Is his sister still doing that part?

Why are you blaming the op? Her fiancé didn't want his mum there. Why is that ops problem to solve.

Thank you for your kind message. I agree, if the family relations were normal and not so dysfunctional she would be the first one we’d invite along with my mum to be the witnesses. Instead my fiance chose his auntie as his witness.

It’s a shame she wasn’t upset when her son was being abused as a child. The woman sounds nasty, good on OPs Fiancé for not wanting the woman there! None of this is OPs fault, but as the woman she’s getting blamed.

Thank you. That’s exactly what’s happening. I have the urge to fix it but I know I can’t. These issues run deeper and they’re beyond my reach. Unfortunately the wedding added fuel to the fire.

His mother sounds like a nasty piece of work. Carry on as you both agreed and don't worry about it. It sounds as though preserving the relationship with the aunt will be better in the long run than preserving the relationship with the bio mother.

His mother is responsible for her own reaction to the situation. She can graciously show up at the reception as invited or she can cause a rift. Her choice.

At any rate it's for your partner to manage, not you.

Unbelievable.

So you and your fiance invite your mum, but you and your fiance do not invite his mum…and you are wondering if you are unreasonable….

And you invite a different family member from his side.

This can't be real life.

Well, presumably the OP wouldn't have been allowing her child to be abused for years on end.

Really your fiancé should communicate with them clearly about why he made this decision. He is allowing you to take the flak for it and it’s very intentional and deliberate on his part. He has made a passive aggressive move designed to get back at his mother. He should talk to her properly. Have you considered writing to her to say that you are sorry she is upset but it was primarily her son’s decision and it would be best to talk to him about it.

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I think I would ask your mum and his mum and aunt to keep the peace. Parents trump siblings in these situations.

Please read my replies of context on this situation thank you ❤️ His mum never stood up to his stepdad who abused him (and her to be fair, he cheated on her numerous times). That’s why he is closer to his aunt.

Stupid question then.

Of course YABU.

Honestly, if you’re having six people at the meal, they should all be at the ceremony. It’s pretty hurtful, especially to his mum, to say that she’s not welcome.

You either have a wedding with witnesses you don’t know or you invite the equivalent people on both sides of the family. Therefore, if you’re having your mum & sister, he gets his parents & siblings (and any plus one’s I’d say). I had twice as many relatives at our wedding as DH did but that was because I have two siblings when only has one and one of my siblings is married.

Am I the only person who read the OP properly? The MIL wasn't welcoming to the OP. Why should she be invited? It doesn't sound as if the OP's fiance is close with his mother, either.

It's not and I've been clear that it's not ok that she takes the blame for his decision.

But OP is the one who came on here acting all innocent, asking whether they're in the wrong and acting like the MIL is unreasonable to be upset. Any body would be upset. I don't know if OP's father is in the picture but unless they are extremely distant he will be upset too (and he can see that she did her best with a hard call as she was going to upset someone). The blame is not all on the DP here - this was always going to be the reaction and OP admits she didn't actually care enough about the MIL to spare her a second thought. Fine if the DH decided he didn't care about his mother's feelings, and the OP decided to support her husband, but that's actually not what is being said (and it's certainly not how the thread started).

But yes of course the vast majority of this is on DP. I would have refused to entertain this as I've said because it is disfunctional to blow up your wedding day like this. If my DH actively wanted his aunt in this scenario, we would have gone with the two mothers and the aunt, and if he actively not wanted his mother there she wouldn't have been invited to the wedding at all, and we would already be no contact.

I agree it sounds dysfunctional @marryescargatoire but I cant agree it is OPs responsibility. It is her DPs responsibility to manage his side of the family. There is no suggestion OP insisted on having 2 invites to his 1.

As for this It's also obviously not a situation where the mother has been so horrifically abusive long term that they are happy to not even care about her feelings or that the DP actively doesn't want her there - once the MIL got upset they were rolling to try to rearrange things so she could get there.

I disagree again. I worked with abusive families for over a decade - its very hard to break from families and most people try to have a relationship until they reach the realization that it is just too harmful - this can take years, or never happen at all, to the detriment of the victim. Or people live in fear of negative reactions from their family of origin. And some forms of abuse are more difficult to identify in a way - because people often dont feel like they should have the strength of reaction they do because 'it wasnt as bad as some people have', or 'it was nothing sexual' or 'I never got hit'. There is considerable evidence that low level emotional neglect or abuse is extremely damaging to the child.

For a lot of people. standing up to, or breaking away from an abusive family only feels possible when they have or start their own family. But then it is very easy for the abusive family to project the blame for it onto the partner.

To me, it sounds like the OPs DP is reacting from a place of trauma, rather than because it was 'not too bad'. But whatever it was, women are not responsible for managing all the emotions of entire extended families.

Imagine your child doing this to you, it’d be heartbreaking! Surely two more people isn’t going to ruin your wedding.

I would be more than happy for her to be there, she doesn’t want to come anymore because she wasn’t invited initially. Only 3 people are allowed to be in the ceremony room apart from bride and groom, otherwise we would definitely invite her despite everything that happened.