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Original poster

Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

492 replies

JanineR · 17/10/2025 15:18

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
Tagliateriroa · 18/10/2025 09:57

I can’t believe that for the sake of £150 you’re bothering to have this fall out

Seasidewalker · 18/10/2025 11:12

This is why we are seriously considering eloping and maybe not even telling anyone afterwards!

We're older, both married before, no parents but I've a huge extended family, he has an adult child who prefers not to engage with me but grandchildren he loves dearly. Plus various family around Europe tied to different school holidays. We can't work out how on earth we accommodate everyone so maybe the answer is offend everyone equally as someone else suggested!

This set up sounds like it's going to sour relationships for years.

ParmaVioletTea · 18/10/2025 11:23

Tagliateriroa · 18/10/2025 09:57

I can’t believe that for the sake of £150 you’re bothering to have this fall out

My thought exactly.

And a wedding probably isn't the occasion for your partner to act out his resentment towards his mother.

Autumnleaffall · 18/10/2025 11:57

When you inflict a wound it is necessary to understand the depth of it. The best and most forgiving person in the world would find this difficult. I’m personally sick of reading it’s my life/kid/choice with no reference to outcomes or feelings. It often sounds as is ops have had a load of bad therapy.

PumpkinSparkleFairy · 18/10/2025 12:22

Eloping seems like the answer!!

LadeOde · 18/10/2025 12:42

It's always with these kinds of threads that the @OP starts with something really incriminating (unknowingly), then following lots of 'unwanted comments' starts to furnish their appeal with so much more damning information on the other parties side inorder to get the comments they really want.

At the start, @OP prefaced everything with 'We' did this and 'We' did that. Gradually, its changed to this is what DH wanted and it's not OP's doing at all.

However, the OP said, 'The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. ' OP has a huge axe to grind here.

Clearly implied it is indeed OP who couldn't be bothered and the feckless DH just went along. Now we've got abuse happening in childhood, estrangement, vodka drinking when MIL was pregnant, the reasons are getting worse and worse to back up why she hasn't been invited. Hasn't said what the SIL has done, though. I'm a firm believer in that the 1st testimony is always closest to the truth.

JeminaTheGiantBear · 18/10/2025 12:47

I have read your updates and think it is extremely sad that, rather than making your wedding a source of joy, you have used it to create division and bitterness between your husband and his family, and to bring yet more sadness to an already damaged family.

Inviting your mother and sister and not his was clearly intended as an insult, and a revival of old bitternesses. If you’d wanted to avoid that you could just have had 2 non-related witnesses (and no, I don’t buy the idea that you were unaware you could do that).

I don’t think it is unreasonable so much as spiteful and destructive and sad.

LetMeGoogleThat · 18/10/2025 14:19

Oh dear, so you say there is history of you being blamed and left out, didn't it occur to you that this would be a massive issue?

I would be so upset if either of my son's did this. I'm sorry, but this is really not going to end well and the day will not be pleasant and possibly the worst start to a marriage. You're starting married life together and his mum and sister are part of that life.

OneGladRoseTiger · 18/10/2025 14:19

BuzzyBallz · 18/10/2025 02:56

How is it possible you can get married in a room with only 3 people ? Don’t you need 2 witnesses? So surely you’ll have you, DH, registrar, 2 witnesses?

It depends where she is getting married. Where I live witnesses are not required.

Terrribletwos · 18/10/2025 14:26

LetMeGoogleThat · 18/10/2025 14:19

Oh dear, so you say there is history of you being blamed and left out, didn't it occur to you that this would be a massive issue?

I would be so upset if either of my son's did this. I'm sorry, but this is really not going to end well and the day will not be pleasant and possibly the worst start to a marriage. You're starting married life together and his mum and sister are part of that life.

It was her partner who chose not to have his mum at the wedding

LetMeGoogleThat · 18/10/2025 14:51

Terrribletwos · 18/10/2025 14:26

It was her partner who chose not to have his mum at the wedding

Show quote history

I know, but if that was me I wouldn't agree to it. OP hasn't said why or how long there has been an issue, but sometimes we do need to think through the consequences and have that conversation with our partners. If it's a temporary rift, this is a very permanent action to agree to, which will have a long lasting impact.

WhatNoRaisins · 18/10/2025 16:34

If this man was the one posting I'd be telling him to figure his shit out before he gets married. He's either got to find a way to let go of the hurt and forgive his mother or he needs to accept that he can't and go NC. Life is too short to keep someone in your life that you hate so much that you can't help but ruin what should be special events with this drama.

Do you really want your life, getting married, maybe having your own children and celebrating milestones to be ruined by this man's mum drama at every event?

ClaredeBear · 18/10/2025 17:17

It’s up to OP’s DP if he wants his mother there and up to OP if she has hers present. It never ceases to amaze me that people can’t seem to empathise - can people not understand that when your mother treats you like a piece of shit when you’re growing up, it’s worse than a stranger doing it? I’m glad for those people who’ve never had to give this a second thought but there’s a LOT of it about and it’s not easy at all. Of course you wish your mother wasn’t that person and of course it’s weird but try to understand that giving birth doesn’t actually make you a good person.

Why on earth should OP not have her mother there just because the new MIL doesn’t have a good relationship with her own child?

RobertJohnsonsShoes · 18/10/2025 17:45

That’s appalling

saraclara · 18/10/2025 17:47

Why on earth should OP not have her mother there just because the new MIL doesn’t have a good relationship with her own child?

Is anyone saying her mum shouldn't be there? If so, I missed those posts. What I see people saying, is that both mums should be there.

In OP's position, I'd be suggesting that they invite both mums and the aunt.
But before OP started drip feeding info that would bring people on side, she clearly had no intention of even thinking of inviting MIL, or considering what the fall out would be.

Theroadt · 18/10/2025 17:48

I think you’re a bit mad about this, to be honest. You might not like them, but they should be there if your mum and sister are there. If the cheaper room is too small, then just have two council workers as witnesses (strangers), no-one else there, and have everyone to the party afterwards, equally. You are storing up big trouble later by deliberately poking a stick at them.

ohyesido · 18/10/2025 17:56

I would cry for days if my DS chose anyone except me in this scenario. I’m not surprised your MIL is distraught

141mum · 18/10/2025 17:58

JanineR · 17/10/2025 15:18

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

No, my son is getting married with just his sister and bil to be there.
we will have a smallish party a few months later
their choice
enjoy your day x

HandmadeNanna · 18/10/2025 18:00

JanineR · 17/10/2025 15:18

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

You will always upset someone or other. We invited my youngest DD and her fiancé and DH's sister plus her husband.
It was our wedding, our way. Besides, we couldn't afford anything else.
You do your wedding your way. Invite those who are closest to you, whether it is relatives, the postman or the milkman.
We are having a bit of a do for our 10th anniversary and will be inviting those who have been there for us through thick and thin.
Congratulations.

Linzloopy · 18/10/2025 18:04

OP, I don’t really understand why you posted this. You asked if you and your partner ("we") were being unreasonable and the large majority of people responding have said yes, you are, but you seem to be saying there’s nothing you can do about it.

Can you really not afford an extra £160, or whatever it was, for a room big enough to invite your MIL-to-be to her own son's wedding? Is he really so unwilling to wait for a month to be able to afford this for what is arguably one of the most important days of his life? I just cannot understand this. Either the relationship has broken down so much that DP no longer has anything to do with his mother, in which case fair enough, or it hasn’t and he is still in regular contact with her, in which case not inviting her is incredibly and deliberately hurtful.

You say you've tried to reverse the decision but she now won’t come. I don’t blame her. She must feel incredibly hurt. The only thing I can suggest is that her son has a heart-to-heart with her, tells her the original decision was his not yours, and begs her to come as the beginning of a fresh start to their relationship.

ittakes2 · 18/10/2025 18:06

Have the wedding that you want - but I think you are back peddling a bit.

In your op you said “That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony.” … and then later you try and say you had suggested to your partner you push the wedding back and get a bigger venue so his mother could attend but he had insisted on getting married sooner with the smaller room.

You have your reasons for not liking his mother and thats ok. But stand firm to this or it makes you look like you are being a bit flaky and not fair to your partner. Inviting his mum to a small reception but not the ceremony is a bit weird to be honest.

Jumpers4goalposts · 18/10/2025 18:07

YANBU but it’s pretty sh1t and I can fully understand why she’s pee’d off. If decisions are constantly being made like this then I can understand why there are issues.

KurtansFringe · 18/10/2025 18:07

Autumnleaffall · 18/10/2025 11:57

When you inflict a wound it is necessary to understand the depth of it. The best and most forgiving person in the world would find this difficult. I’m personally sick of reading it’s my life/kid/choice with no reference to outcomes or feelings. It often sounds as is ops have had a load of bad therapy.

This attitude is definitely on the increase. Completely selfish and with no recognition that you yourself have probably been invited things out of obligation/ kindness not to exclude you and that actually people involved in your life and who have helped you over the years deserve a bit more kindness and thought.

Dawnb19 · 18/10/2025 18:08

I think most sisters and mothers would be offended if they don't get invited to their brother/sons wedding. I'd actually be really hurt if it was me. Especially if your mum and sister is going. Have they did something really wrong? If not then it's unnecessarily cruel.

Dawnb19 · 18/10/2025 18:08

I think most sisters and mothers would be offended if they don't get invited to their brother/sons wedding. I'd actually be really hurt if it was me. Especially if your mum and sister is going. Have they did something really wrong? If not then it's unnecessarily cruel.