Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

The only person I know who did this sort of wedding asked two friends to be witnesses and the parents from each side. I don't think you can ask your parents and not his.

You could have invited your mum, his mum and his aunt. Your sister and his sisters could have attended too and waited outside if there was really no room, then all go to the restaurant together.

Who you invite to your wedding is a joint decision. So yes I do mean 'let him'. I would not have agreed to this for my wedding, not because I would have forced my husband to have his mother there, but because if he didn't want his mother there I would have forced him to deal with it properly, in advance and as an adult rather than a kid trying to pretend shd wouldn't be extremely upset. If my husband had insisted, and I thought that the resulting strife would cause me stress, I would take all the blame and I would be be left running around trying to find a solution (as has happened to the OP and was pretty much guaranteed to happen unless the OP actually felt able to say 'fuck her' and have it all wash over her (which is pretty damn hard hen you're the one the whole dysfunctional family is pointing the finger at)) the wedding would be off. Because I wouldn't marry a man who has such little regard for the impact of his decisions on me.

There is nothing infantalising about my position whatsoever. Saying 'you do you dear' and letting it happen is infantalising.

Oh my goodness. It's Mumsnet, so you're not going to hear many dads complaining about their MILs on here, but that's a trope for a reason. My Mil is much more in our lives and sees more of our children than my mum. Who is also great, but less availability/interest. I'm every relationship I know, the wife is in WhatsApp chats with the MIL and manages the family interactions/get together/birthday gift correspondence, but the husband would never contact the wife's parents. It's therefore not surprising if wife's parents are more involved, if she's the one accountable for the "involving" of both sides. If you want to make sure you're heavily involved, make sure your sons know how to share family arrangements and family life admin equally.

Are we in the wrong?

Yes.

You've just set yourself up for a married lifetime of angst because not inviting his mum and sister when yours have been invited is, as someone else pointed out, quite a bold move.

You're not building bridges with it are you?

And if I felt he was struggling because of a history of abuse, I would have supported him to deal with it properly, in advance and as an adult. Potentially even going so far as advocating for him. That's supporting your partner.

But his wedding was not the event to pick to decide to make a passive aggressive point to his mother about how terrible a parent she is, and then play the 'oh I didn't realise you'd be upset because it's only signing a piece oh paper' card. Because it's not just his wedding, it's hers too, and she should be more important than trying to get one over on his abusive mother.

Tbh, it does sound they’ve been left out of the wedding due to spite on your part. Your dp can’t have much of a backbone if he’s accepting this. Sounds like they don’t like you, and you don’t like them. Wouldn’t it be a good start if you included them, and just sat down like adults and put the past to bed? These people are going to be in your life for a long time,so you don’t want to spend your life at war with them. Or do you?

See, I voted YABU and then after reading this I would change my vote if I could. I would have included this in your OP for the rationale of the decision and this may have changed a lot of the reactions.

It’s your wedding so ultimately up to you who you invite, but it’s hardly surprising that the groom’s own mother is upset to have been excluded. How would you feel if your child did this in the future?

Usually I try to write helpful supportive things on mumsnet, but this is about the most deliberately mean thing I have ever read. Are you serious? Unless he was abused by her growing up, why bother with the social convention of a ‘wedding’ if you’re not going to not follow the most basic social convention of inviting both mothers?

Friends have just got married at a registry office and had coffee and cake afterwards (just them and us two witnesses) but they had neither mothers (horrendous abuse from one of their families growing up). They had a good reason and didn’t pretend it was a wedding.

Are you two really good together if you just encourage each other to be mean? What harm would two more guests do? Just ask for contributions if you can’t afford it, or find a cheaper place.

Just elope. Simple.

Ouch that your partner chose his aunt. Thats a total slap in the face. Did he really think there wouldnt be fall out?

Tbh I would have gone with just both mums and a mutual friend

Honestly, OP, for your sanity stay well out of it. This is between your dh and his family. You cannot fix it and you will only cause more problems if you try to get involved.

Yes they will blame you. Fuck them. You and your dh know the truth.

Like it or not you will have to deal with her for years to come, and if you let her get to you at all it will cause you no end of misery.

Absolutely this.

You’re not close to his family so you forgot that he has a mother?! Come on.

If I was the aunt I wouldn’t attend in my sister’s place, even if I didn’t like her. I would say to your fiancé that I knew things had been difficult between him and his Mum but I just didn’t feel comfortable taking her place, even though I wished him all the luck in the world.

Agreed. I'd realise that this was going to throw a bomb into family relationships, and say thanks, but no thanks.

As I said earlier, unless the aunt is already NC, she's going to suffer for 'taking mums place' every bit as much as (if not not more than) OP and her DH. Why put herself through that?

But @JanineR still hasn't answered the questions about whether aunt knows that her sister isn't invited, and if so, what she thinks about it.

I would just invite both Mum’s if you really can’t get a slightly bigger room.

How is it possible you can get married in a room with only 3 people ? Don’t you need 2 witnesses? So surely you’ll have you, DH, registrar, 2 witnesses?

He should be totally free to decide for himself who he invites to his wedding, it seems to be forgotten in weddings it os a grooms wedding too

Every day we see poster's complaining on here about they are sick of the thought load yet we also see examples of poster's involving themselves when they dont need too

Sorry, it sounds like a very poor decision to have your mum and sister and not his. Mean.

I say that as someone who got married with just two witnesses. We carefully choose non family members so that neither family could feel they were specifically excluded

I think that if your mum and sister are there, his should be too. Its ill-advised to exclude them.

I had just eight, but included parents both sides but not siblings.

It's your decision and the decision of your husband. Those decisions are going to have consequences and it's up to your husband to pick his battles. Inviting an aunt over a mother and sister was most likely going to be controversial but it sounds he had a good reason to prefer his aunt to be there. I'd probably have put my foot down and waited and gone for the bigger ceremony room so everyone could attend both parts. These things cause headaches and often the gain is not worth the pain. But it's your/your husband's call ultimately whether to make a decision that inevitable has consequences.

This is the aunt that took OP's DH in when his step-father abused him and his mum did nothing to stop the abuse. I would imagine that the aunt's opinion of her sister is pretty low.