Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

It was self-evidently a very pointed choice by your dh not to invite his own mother to be a witness at the wedding, OP, and I think you are being disingenuous not to own that. Personally, I would feel obliged at this stage to give her a few home truths - it was her son’s choice for his aunt to be the witness instead of her, not yours, and by persistently trying to blame you for the poor relationship she has with her son, she has driven a further wedge between herself and him, because it shows a complete failure on her part to accept responsibility for the real reasons for their poor relationship. It is not for you to appease her - if she actually cared about her son, rather than being obscenely self-centred, she wouldn’t expect to be a witness at your wedding. She clearly doesn’t wish you well, she just wants to deflect the blame for her own failings onto someone else. You are her excuse not to make an effort for her son and yet again, as was the case in his childhood, it’s all about her and her feelings. She is abusive towards him and you’re enabling her to continue to be abusive by pandering to her.

Good point we didn't tell our families to save ourselves the stress and the money, we wanted to get married for us, not for others or a party. If someone spoils your wedding, it's spoiled, you can't get it back. I wouldn't invite them at all.

She always prioritised his stepdad during his childhood, even when he was abusive to him, and that kind of started everything and it is the reason why we moved in together so early on. They feel like I took him away from them though.

If the DH-to-be's mother is upset because she isn't a main character in her son's wedding then it's a case of chickens coming home to roost. She stood by and allowed him to be abused by her husband. He has chosen to invite instead the person who offered him love and security and safety when she didn't. There isn't a violin small enough to indicate the extent of my sympathy for her.

And OP, I bet they feel you took him away from them. Now who are they going to abuse? Well done for supporting him.

I think this is awful. Why would your fiancé do that to his mum and sister?

Read the OP's posts and what I've written above. Not wanting his mother there is a no brainer as far as I'm concerned. And maybe the sister has never offered him any support either, maybe she thinks the sun shines out of her mother's arse.

The OP said she didn't mean to exclude her initially - but she also said:

"As I said before, I tried to suggest having a ceremony later on so we could pay for the bigger ceremony room and everybody could be invited to both the ceremony and reception. My fiancé insisted on us doing it this way."

Which part of insisting on continuing not to invite her, when offered a solution by the OP (despite being treated badly by her) suggests that it is unintentional?

If it was unintentional, he would have agreed to the suggestion.

And unintentional or not, it still doesn't excuse blaming her for his decision!

I'm just going to have to say it, OP is your fiance quite controlling? You sound very passive in what should be a mutual thing.

I bet you wish you'd not bothered consulting the "sisterhood" on here! The number of commenters who haven't bothered to read the thread is cringe worthy!! I think the only option really is for you to do what makes the two of you happy. Perhaps support him in maintaining a positive relationship with the aunt who took him in after the abuse. Sounds as like she'd make a good substitute grandparent down the line. Doesn't sound like the abuse-enabling or denying MIL would!!

You would still (only) be a MIL if you had daughters who married.

I think you'd be making a big mistake if you didn't invite your MIL and SIL to your wedding ceremony. I understand you want a small wedding, but it's still going to be very small with those 2 people added.

As long as you a re a baptised Catholic, he doesn't need to be baptised to get married in a Catholic Church

If I were the Aunt , no way would I be going to an occasion were my sister has been disregarded in such a cruel manner!

If your mum was there, his mum should have been there. No wonder she’s gutted.

My brother did this. Ruined family relations forever probably. She had her mum but mine wasn’t there. She was devestated

It sounds as if you are taking revenge on the in-laws. Did they attend the reception/meal?

But if her mum is nicer to the couple and respect OP’s fiancé, it’s different.

Usually the mum’s who are not invited to their adult child’s wedding have only themselves to blame. No child would do that to a genuinely caring parent. I also believe if you are not nice to your adult children’s partners for no reason them, you don’t care about own child’s happiness.

Wow. Quite the leap there. You have no clue. My brother even says himself it was to keep the wife happy because she said if they invited my mum then we would all want to come and there’s too many of us. Try not to jump to conclusions

Ok your Mum is invited but not his Mum, Christ how hurtful is that, can't you see that!

I pretty much disagree with almost everyone. If she wasn’t good to you, I don’t see any reason why you need to appease this woman. And no, just because your dm and sister are there it doesn’t mean you need to be fair and equal. If people treat you badly then that’s what they deserve.
leave your dp to deal with it. If they don’t like you then nothing you could do would ever change that, so leave them to stew.
its their choice not to come so that’s that. Don’t run and beg these people

What do you mean, you'll only ever be a MIL? surely you'll be mum to your son's and MIL to their spouses (assuming they marry)? Just like their spouses mum will be both a MIL and a mum?

So the op has been inconsistent in her account and the question she asked was whether she and her fiance were unreasonable. Which i have answered yes they were. She didn't ask whether she personally was being blamed unreasonably.

Fucking hell, how can it be a surprise that the mother and sister of the groom would be upset or offended not to be invited?!? Awful and rude. Imagine you had a child and they didn’t invite you to their wedding. I find this just absolutely unbelievable.

"not read all the posts" - but if you had you'd realise MIL had enabled the childhood abuse of DP and antagonised OP throughout the relationship and only has herself to blame for not being prioritised in the wedding ceremony.

What is it with the fake crazy stories today? It's not even half term yet!

When it comes down to most families I know including my own, paternal grandma is always put behind maternal grandma.

You only have to see on hear how many woman whinge about their MIL.