Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

[JanineR]

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

Exactly.

I feel as though the people berating OP are reading a completely different thread. She's done nothing wrong.

that said, I would not be marrying into this strife. DP may be a great guy, but I would not sign up for decades of drama, alienation, strops, walking on eggshells, etc.

I think this is awful. Why would your fiancé do that to his mum and sister?

@OP You've excluded MIL & SIL fine. Do you plan to have dc? how do you see the family relationships in your future dc's lives? have you made peace with them not having a grandparent on their dad's side nor aunt? if you've made peace with all this then that's fine. Out of interest, who is the member of dh's family that you did invite?

Not sure why your DM and DS are more important than his and that is what this boils down to. It is appalling to exclude 2 of his closest family members from a really important event in his life whatever you think of them. You come across as a complete control freak.

They should be invited to everything

Not read all the posts OP but I think it’s absolutely horrible and I don’t buy the “we didn’t deliberately exclude them”. Of course you did- you have the autonomy over who is invited and included in your wedding and you’ve both chosen that they aren’t.
I have no idea how you mend the rupture to be honest, but I am not in the least surprised that your MIL and SIL feel hurt- and I’m sure you can’t be surprised either?

You lost the argument the moment you stooped to personal insults. As you are well aware the 'no right or wrong' statement referred to wedding invitations, not every other single thing in life. The op asked for views and that's mine.

Did you even read the OP's posts about the DP choosing who was invited? And about his mother not protecting him from abuse, while his auntie did?

I seriously don't understand why everyone is blaming the op. She has repeatedly said it was her fiancé's choice to not have his mother at the ceremony ...

People don't read the updates, @lazyarse123, and just stick the boot in on the basis of half a story - though admittedly the fact his mother allowed him to be abused to the point he moved to live with his aunt would have been a useful thing to put in the OP

Are you sure you want to build any kind of relationship with this woman, @JanineR? Because personally I'd be backing your OH's decision, and wouldn't really care if they tried to blame me for upsetting their happy family fantasy

Ok but:

The OP said that the decision was made based on cost (saving c. £160)
The mother is still invited to the other parts of the wedding
The sister is also excluded despite not being part of the abuse

It is terrible to exclude your MIL.

The wedding invitation that his mother didn't get because she was abusive. You can't put the abuse down to 'every other single thing in life' when it is one of the actual reasons that she wasn't invited 🙄

You literally said that the OP was unreasonable due to the "lifelong upset" that would be caused to her abusive mother in law because she was not invited by the son that she abused to his wedding, despite her doing more than she ever should have to try and facilitate her attendance.

This thread is giving me a headache

Oh dear. Alright have your excluding war on MIL but remember that feelings do count and actions have consequences.

You are wrong. The op said that they diidn't mean to exclude her it just happened.

I'd usually think it's completely up to bride and groom who attends. Not inviting grooms mother and sister is brutal though, especially when brides mum and sister are attending. I think any mum would be extremely upset at this. Anyone that would do it to a mum without very good reason isn't a nice person.

Yabu.

This situation was entirely predictable and the fallout won't be repairable. You both made this decision knowing what would happen. It's cruel. If you want to cut contact with her at least be upfront about it.

If the faux naivety here is actually genuine naivety then I'd really question both of your emotional intelligence here.

Could you seek help from your Priest? Perhaps it would be better to wait until you can receive the Sacrament of Matrimony with everyone present in Church.

OP setting aside all the stuff about your STBMIL, you can get married in a Catholic Church even if one of you isn’t baptised. It is a valid marriage but you can’t have a nuptial Mass. If one of the parties isn’t Catholic it’s normal not to have a nuptial Mass.

BUT you need to check carefully what you will be allowed to do if you do a civil ceremony first (assuming you wre in the UK). You may not be allowed to have a Catholic wedding service after. But just have a convalidation process.
https://catholicweddinghelp.com/questions/civil-ceremony-first.htm
Check with your priest.

On the guest thing, change your plans. Spend another couple of hundred quid and invite your MIL unless you want to damage the relationship for good. I know it’s not your fault but be pragmatic.

Not inviting your mother to your wedding is in my view the child's equivalent of disinheriting one's son or daughter

Yep. Your DH (and you) seem to have made this decision quite casually. If his mum is as bad as you are (only now) saying, then surely have gone NC with her?
If he had, the decision would be reasonable, but given that she's still in his life, not having her there is incendiary.

@JanineR you haven't said whether the aunt knows that she's not in addition to her sister, but instead of. If she does know, is she honestly comfortable with that? If she's not already NC with her sister, effectively their relationship will be over.

We didn’t realise it would cause all of this I mean this kindly, but what were you both thinking? If your mum remarried and only invited your sister because she was getting married in the same room you’ve chosen, but told you not to worry because she’d be having a party later and you’d be invited to that, would you be completely ok with that? And as you’ve invited your mum, I’m guessing she’s much nicer and more reasonable than your fiancé’s mum; did you not stop to think whether MiL’s reaction would be calm and measured? Does she have a history of reacting calmly?

Having said that, none of this is your problem. Your fiancé was the one who didn’t want to delay it so that you could afford a different room (I wonder if he didn’t really want her there and thought this was the perfect reason to only have his aunt?) Your fiancé was the one who chose not to invite her. Your question is not ‘Are we wrong for not inviting them’ but ‘Why the fuck isn’t my fiancé telling his mum that it was his decision, not mine, and that if she says one more negative thing about me, she won’t be invited to the party either, because I am his wife, I am his priority and I did not make this decision’. That’s the question you should be asking.

If you're not in contact with the mil, how do you know she's blaming you? I'd this from your dp?

Your dp needs to stand up to his mother and stand up for you.
He needs to make it very clear that it was HIS decision to invite his aunt, that he won't have his mother blaming you, and you're trying to make amends but as far as he is concerned, it's on HER that she won't accept your invitation now.

I don’t really see why you care what they think. My DH has an abusive mum and she wasn’t at my wedding. I don’t care if she blames me - it wasn’t my decision but if it makes my DH’s life easier to tell her it was all my fault then he can go ahead. I could not care less what she thinks or what she tells anyone. She is lucky my DH speaks to her on the phone.

If you barely see her like you say, what difference does it even make?

You didn't "deliberately" exclude someone from her son's wedding? What, you honestly just. . . forgot she existed?

You can do what you want, but if you treat someone like that, they're going to be very hurt, very insulted and very angry. Actions have consequences.