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AIBU?

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Original poster

Are we wrong for not inviting my MIL and SIL to our micro wedding ceremony?

492 replies

JanineR · 17/10/2025 15:18

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

OP posts:
IAmThePrettiestManOnMyIsland · 17/10/2025 17:33

If your mum is going his mum should be going too.

Ashersmom · 17/10/2025 17:35

NRTFT. You either have a legal ceremony (with just two witnesses) or a service where a couple of more guests makes no difference. If my DS was getting married and I wasn't invited, I'd be upset.
DD and DIL had a huge wedding which cost six figures. None of those guests know they married in a legal ceremony a couple of weeks before with just myself and DIL's DM in attendance. Why did you tell MIL you were even getting married if she couldn't come? It sounds like there's no good reason for not inviting her, other than to cause hurt.

PeachySmile2 · 17/10/2025 17:35

If your mum is going and his is not, that’s really awful. The poor woman.

marryescargatoire · 17/10/2025 17:38

Or alternatively, did you let him because you actually don't care because you think she's a shit person and you were fine with her being upset? If so, then own than and don't scrabble around trying to make peace. If you're going to take the approach that you don't care about her, you have to then actually not care!

thepariscrimefiles · 17/10/2025 17:41

SandyLanes · 17/10/2025 16:39

How would you feel if in 25 years time your own child didn’t invite you to his or her wedding but his or her MIL was invited?

Hopefully, OP won't let her child's step-father abuse her child like her MIL did with OP's DH. The aunt that he did invite actually took him into her home so he could get away from the abuse.

binkie163 · 17/10/2025 17:43

WhereYouLeftIt · 17/10/2025 17:11

So, to summarise:

"She always prioritised his stepdad during his childhood, even when [his stepdad] was abusive to him." "He actually lived with his auntie for a time as a teenager" which suggests living with his mother&stepdad was either intolerable for him, or, his stepdad wanted him out and his mother was again prioritising her husband over her son. He presumably moved back at some point but his home life was again unsatisfactory, which is "the reason why we moved in together so early on." Despite not providing a loving home for her son, "They feel like I took him away from them". (Because, there is a type of person who, even when they don't want 'something', get very possessive should anyone else show interest in the 'something'.)

Rather than drawing a line and forming a new adult-to-adult relationship with her son and you, the woman he lived with, his mother instead pushed the two of you away by "always excluded[ing you] during Christmas and other occasions" and never being particularly welcoming.

On top of all that "His mum told him she downed a bottle of vodka when she found out she’s having him" , effectively telling him she tried to abort him. What a lovely thing to tell your child!

Did I read your posts right, @JanineR ?

Honestly - fuck her. She was an appalling mother then and she remains an appalling mother now. She treats her son and his fiancee like this and then expects to be prioritised? Pfft! I'm surprised your fiance talks to any of the family apart from his beloved aunt at all., never mind involves them in his wedding. It would probably be best for him to put some distance between himself and his birth family, who give him nothing but grief.

This with bells on 👏
It is really hard for people from dysfunctional families to articulate it in a way that others understand, especially when the 'its family...you only have one mum' brigade come out.

Daughterofthesea · 17/10/2025 17:45

You are being unreasonable and selfish.
I can’t imagine that your finance is too happy with this inequality and it won’t bode well for your marriage to put a rift between a mother and son.

thepariscrimefiles · 17/10/2025 17:46

Favouritefruits · 17/10/2025 16:51

Imagine your child doing this to you, it’d be heartbreaking! Surely two more people isn’t going to ruin your wedding.

Imagine not protecting your child from your husband's abuse. That is what OP's MIL did when his step-dad abused OP's DH. The aunt that he did invite let him move in with her to get away fro his step-dad's abuse, so he is obviously closer to her than to his own mum.

ThatGreatMember · 17/10/2025 17:50

ShanghaiDiva · 17/10/2025 15:34

So starting your married life together by alienating your dh’s family. Not the wisest move…

But from the OP, sounds like the MIL was already alienating her?

5128gap · 17/10/2025 17:50

Of course it's unreasonable to pretend your partners own mother wasn't in your mind when thinking who to have at your wedding. However your behaviour pales into insignificance compared with the wet lettuce you're marrying who didn't bother or lacked the gumption to insist. If I were you, I'd take careful note. Because how a man behaves as a son and the kindness he shows his mother is often a really good indicator of how he'll behave as a husband.

Dliplop · 17/10/2025 17:55

OP, this is the kind of MIL you will always have wronged. You could switch the ratio so both mums and his aunt, but his mum will never be a good mum or MIL. So yes it was his choice and also guaranteed to upset them, but they will be permanently upset.

TimeForATerf · 17/10/2025 17:56

Just wow.

housethatbuiltme · 17/10/2025 17:57

JanineR · 17/10/2025 15:18

We are having a micro wedding with only 3 people at the twin hall wedding ceremony (2 family members from my side, 1 from my fiancé’s side). We are inviting 6 people apart from us to the wedding reception meal, all paid for by us of course. My MIL and SIL are upset over not being at the ceremony. We didn’t intentionally exclude them, but we chose another family member from his family who are are both much closer to. The rest of my fiancé’s family have never been particularly close welcoming to me and I WS always excluded during Christmas and other occasions. That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony. His family are of course blaming me for everything. Are we in the wrong?

'That’s probably why his MIL wasn’t at the top of my mind when we were choosing witnesses for the wedding ceremony.'

Why do you think YOUR relationship with them matter?

As long as they didn't murder your mother or something you dont have to like them and they dont have to like you, stopping your partners relationship with them over your feelings is wildly controlling (if it was a man saying his fiancees mam cant come because he doesn't like he much, we would talk about red flags, isolating and it being a sign of abuse).

He is his own person with his own family and own relationships with them that long pre-date you.

I could not imagine for one second telling my DH his mother or brother could not attended even though I have had issues with them (hell we didn't talk for years) but they are HIS family and HE has a relationship to them.

He was never close to my family either, he has anxiety and avoids getting to know them like the plague... damn sure I wouldn't let him tell him who he 'picked' and who should be invite though based on him not caring about MY loved ones.

HangingOver · 17/10/2025 18:00

Nah fuck her. Parents who knows their kids are abused and do nothing don't deserve a front row seat to their kids milestones. She's lucky she's bloody invited at all.

Mapletree1985 · 17/10/2025 18:00

I wish you all the best in your ongoing mission to completely separate your soon-to-be DH from his birth family. With any luck the fallout from Operation Wedding will cause him to go No Contact with those other women in his life, his mum and his sister, and then he'll be All Yours.

BloominNora · 17/10/2025 18:02

@JanineR - ignore all the people on here who clearly haven't read your updates, or are still being wilfully obtuse to what you are saying. He clearly doesn't want his abusive mother (and allowing someone else to abuse your child is abusive) to be there when you sign your marriage licence.

All of these mothers to boys who are talking about how upset they would be in your MILs position and blaming you for not doing more when it is your fiancés decision not to invite his abusive mother sound as bad as your MIL. I feel sorry for the future partners of their sons.

You have done more than I ever would in the circumstances you describe to facilitate her being there, even to your own detriment (offering to get married later for the bigger room, offering to give MIL your sisters place, even feeling bad enough about it to post on here).

Given what she allowed to happen to him as a teen and how she has behaved towards you in the past and now over this, I would be rescinding her invitation to the reception as well!

I would really stop putting any more thought into it now. Your fiancé has made his decision. You are not in contact with her anyway on a day to day basis (which it something it sounds like you should be grateful for), and I'm sure his aunt, who sounds like the only sane one in the family, knows it isn't down to you, so forget about it and enjoy your day.

Shoulderscuff · 17/10/2025 18:02

OP, stay away from his mother.
This is not on you.
This is his choice.
His mother created the situation allowing him to be abused and to live with his aunt.
Easier for her to blame you than take responsibility for her actions.

If I was your mother I would hate you marrying into such a mess.
Be careful.
Leave his family to him.
This is not for you to fix at all.
Stay out of it.

BloominNora · 17/10/2025 18:05

Mapletree1985 · 17/10/2025 18:00

I wish you all the best in your ongoing mission to completely separate your soon-to-be DH from his birth family. With any luck the fallout from Operation Wedding will cause him to go No Contact with those other women in his life, his mum and his sister, and then he'll be All Yours.

@Mapletree1985 and @housethatbuiltme

Have you even bothered to read all of the OPs posts? His mother was abusive to him and he was the one who didn't want them there. The OP has done everything she can to try and facilitate her mother in law being able to attend!

RainbowBagels · 17/10/2025 18:08

I'd let this go actually. Its not your problem to fix. Your fiance sufered the abuse from, it sounds like his stepfather and his mother. He doesn't want her at the wedding ceremony so that's tough for her. None of your business. If he doesn't want a relationship with her or a low contact one it's not your problem to fix. If they blame you, so what? You and your fiance know the reasons. You dont get to be a shit parent, dump all the responsibility onto your sister ( i presume) and bitch about your sons choice of wife when your own poor choice of partner caused the problems in the first place with no consequences.

BloominNora · 17/10/2025 18:08

The bloody misogyny and child abuse apologists on this thread is astounding!

Owly11 · 17/10/2025 18:10

there is no right or wrong but yes you are being unreasonable and will cause lifelong upset. I can't imagine being excluded from my son's wedding. How mean.

CarpetKnees · 17/10/2025 18:10

YABU with all your faux innocence "I never gave it much thought..." stuff.

Not inviting one's own mother is (as the first reply said) a bold choice.
Now, it might well be the right choice for your dp. Your drip feeds paint a different picture. But in that case he needs to own that choice.

You pretending you never gave it much thought is ridiculous.

BloominNora · 17/10/2025 18:12

marryescargatoire · 17/10/2025 17:38

Or alternatively, did you let him because you actually don't care because you think she's a shit person and you were fine with her being upset? If so, then own than and don't scrabble around trying to make peace. If you're going to take the approach that you don't care about her, you have to then actually not care!

'let him?' really? It is not the OPs job to stop him inviting who the hell he wants to his own wedding - he is not a child!

I'm adding people who infantilise men to the misogyny and abuse apologists that are running through this thread!

lazyarse123 · 17/10/2025 18:14

marryescargatoire · 17/10/2025 16:51

It's not and I've been clear that it's not ok that she takes the blame for his decision.

But OP is the one who came on here acting all innocent, asking whether they're in the wrong and acting like the MIL is unreasonable to be upset. Any body would be upset. I don't know if OP's father is in the picture but unless they are extremely distant he will be upset too (and he can see that she did her best with a hard call as she was going to upset someone). The blame is not all on the DP here - this was always going to be the reaction and OP admits she didn't actually care enough about the MIL to spare her a second thought. Fine if the DH decided he didn't care about his mother's feelings, and the OP decided to support her husband, but that's actually not what is being said (and it's certainly not how the thread started).

But yes of course the vast majority of this is on DP. I would have refused to entertain this as I've said because it is disfunctional to blow up your wedding day like this. If my DH actively wanted his aunt in this scenario, we would have gone with the two mothers and the aunt, and if he actively not wanted his mother there she wouldn't have been invited to the wedding at all, and we would already be no contact.

Show quote history

I agree that in these circumstances I would have expected them to be nc already.

BloominNora · 17/10/2025 18:17

Owly11 · 17/10/2025 18:10

there is no right or wrong but yes you are being unreasonable and will cause lifelong upset. I can't imagine being excluded from my son's wedding. How mean.

"there is no right or wrong" - is abusing children not wrong now?

I'm sure you won't be excluded from your son's wedding if you:

a) don't allow him to be abused
b) don't treat his fiancé like crap
c) don't blame his fiancé for his decisions

However, given your response that the OP is somehow unreasonable, then I don't hold much hope for you managing to achieve b) and c)