To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

[Porkyyorkylass]

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

It’s not hard? What a bizarre comment.

I agree that close family usually arrive last because they have been in the cars following the hearse. Most funerals I have been at though the other guests wait outside and follow the family and coffin inside.

I do actually agree with the OP about it being a poor show from the other DDs not making any effort to mingle. I assume that they have not been to many funerals and didn't realise it was expected.

At my DMs funeral my sisters and I stood outside to have a few words with everyone as they left to thank them for coming and make sure they knew they were invited to the refreshments afterwards. Then during the wake we all mingled, I made sure I worked my way round most of the tables to chat to everyone. I am not a wildly sociable person normally but there are things you just have to do. DD and the DNs were all young adults so they were there and we thought likely to feel like spare parts so we asked them if they would take charge of providing teas and coffees and they were relieved I think to have a role.

You've been very judgmental.

Funerals very rarely bring out anyone's best sides, and even then, so what?

As a guest, it's your role to be as kind and supportive as you can be. Going up to them and giving a veiled accusation of being late, then judging them for keeping themselves to themselves at the wake, isn't part of your job description.

Your job is to attend, dress appropriately, remember your friend, sing heartily if there's any hymns, give a robust "Amen" at any prayers (even if you don't believe), offer your condolences to the family, have your share of the food and drink, spend some time politely looking at any photos or mementos that might have been laid out, offer your condolences once more, then politely take your leave.

Save any gossiping about the family members for a more private space.

I have learned something today - thank you, @HoppityBun. I assumed that the get-together after the funeral was the wake, but clearly not.

Funnily enough, dh and I were talking about funerals today (his dad is not at all well) and I couldn’t bring the word ‘wake’ to mind, and ended up calling it the ‘After party’ - which I knew was wrong! 😬

What should it be called, please - and I will try to commit it to my (unreliable) memory.

I think the term wake has evolved and is used to describe the event after the funeral. I understand that it doesn't make sense semantically but that's not how lexicology works.

People grief in different ways.

However all the funerals I’ve been to the family arrive with the deceased and the church or chapel is full of guests.

Are you always so judgy and rude?

YABVU to judge anyone on the day they bury a parent. To say they didn't look distressed is awful. Do people need to walk around weeping for people to believe they are worthy of empathy and understanding.

My mum died earlier this year and the funeral was a lovely tribute to her. I took a lot of comfort being surrounded by people who obviously cared about her. I greeted people as they arrived at the crematorium but I didn't mingle at the wake. My Dad mingled but that's how he dealt with his grief. But I definitely didn't and I would hate to think anyone would judge me for that. By the time of the wake I felt exhausted from the emotion of it all. I did speak to those I felt most comfortable with but certainly didn't feel like "hosting". And ultimately I don't think my mum would have minded, I think she would have understood.

Everyone grieves in their own way. Don’t judge them.

I did a lot more at my Dad’s funeral than my sister. I read the eulogy and did a reading. She just didn’t feel she could face people. So I just took on the lion’s share. It’s what families do for one another.

This

Not in my experience, no. Family arrived with the coffin and the guests are already seated. What a bloody awful thing to judge a bereaved family on.

In my experience immediate family always arrive last as they usually travel in convoy in limousines with the coffin in the hearse. Usually they leave two rows of seats at front of church/crematorium for family to sit when they arrive with the coffin.

Some families might not like each other or get along they turned up but unless you know there circumstances you can’t judge them.

Yes,this is my experience. You speak to the other mourners (they aren’t guests) after the ceremony.

I cant stand judgemental people and sadly you are one of them. Close relatives always arrive last so asking them if the traffic was bad,is beyond rude.
And you dont 'host 'a close relatives funeral. You are grieving and you are allowrd to grieve as you wish.
Even if yhey werent close to their parent,who are you to judge and comment?

Family arrive last. Friends who judge have no business meddling in how children grieve. You are now back to normal. They're probably dreading Christmas and dealing with all the emotions while you're posting on MN about how awful they are and etiquette

See this fears me, my mum is elderly and is ill at the moment, not on deaths door but it may happen sooner than we know she is 74. I don't see any family members and I'm an only child, the thought of having contact them to come to a funeral I don't want them to come to and to have people come to a crematorium then a wake. It's all daunting especially having to speak to them and pass small talk. I think a drink in a local pub and no food etc suits me.

So for my dad's funeral- we had a thanksgiving service with no coffin
My siblings and I were all there and hour early finishing sorting out the last minute things and ready to mingle with people who arrived....
We then mingled and spoke to all 300 people who turned out between the 3 of us. It was exhausting- we tried to ensure the less stress on mum though by us doing it. We didn't have a recieving line but mingled whilst people had cake and a drink.....
But seriously hosting a funeral is exhausting- particularly with the stress of the week's before- and worse if there was an illness/time in hospital before that .. give the family a break....

I was more concerned about my minor children when we were primary mourners at a funeral than other people's expectations. We did all the right motions, stood in line and received handshakes and condolences. The funeral director took care of the catering, which is the whole point of taking some of the load off at such a heavy time. I did go to talk to a friend who was alone in the corner at one point. There were so many people though, getting to everyone was impossible for any decent length of time, so I assume they all had someone they knew and took care of each other.

It was all very performative. We've decided to never have another funeral and take another approach to death in future. More intimate, immediate family and close friends only.

I would never judge anyone for coping with the situation however they need to. You only see a snippet of the family at the funeral. There's a lot more going on before and after, in private. I don't suppose you went and did something supportive before and after the funeral, just for the family? Or did you just expect to be hosted at the funeral itself?

Has it occurred to you that you making pointed* comments about time-keeping might’ve put the deceased’s daughters off mingling?

*you may have thought you were being polite, but people are perceptive so they may have realised you were referring to them being late

Yes this is unusual I would say but without knowing the family dynamics it's difficult to know.

All I can relate is that for me, apart from being in the hearst carriage so of course on time, have always been early or stayed over night before in a different town for loved ones.

It was exceptionally rude of you to have hit them with a thinly veiled comment, questioning why they were late (in your perception). Awful behaviour. These people are grieving. Anything (within reason) goes. How they show up and who they talk to is nothing to do with you.

Why are you being so mean about a family who have just lost a parent? Come on, OP. That’s just not cricket.

Everybody grieves differently. Please don’t judge.