To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

[Porkyyorkylass]

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

Eugh. Sorry they didn’t put on enough of a show for you OP. Must have been hard. No one needs to mingle at a funeral, they aren’t hosting a party for you.

I would not feel able to judge anyone at a funeral. Emotions are running high and people have to do whatever gets them through.

It is often more difficult to be at the funeral of someone with whom you had a slightly problematical relationship than someone you loved unreservedly.

I think your friend would have understood this. I think you should too.

In my experience Guests should arrive in good time and be in place ready for the family to follow the coffin down the aisle.

However, it is never ok to bitch and criticise bereaved family members for what you consider to be an etiquette issue.

You put the ‘rude’ in prude OP.

The family did nothing wrong - I’ve never been to a funeral where the family are there waiting because they’re often in a funeral car following the hearse or in their own in a respectful procession.

Personally I don’t view a funeral or wake as a social occasion - people are grieving - and for many families there are difficult dynamics and relationships to navigate on top of grief. As a guest I am there to pay my respects to the deceased, with no expectation of the family members at all. I can’t believe you challenged them on their time keeping and actually hope this is a reverse for that reason.

The latter falls more into a celebration of a full life lived well; the former is a time to support those shocked and bereaved at a time of extreme emotion, and a degree of emotional incontinence has to be pretty much expected

You are another one judging how people should behave at a funeral. The death of an elderly person is not always a celebration of a full life lived well. It can also be a time of extreme emotion for all sorts of reason, sadness at a difficult relationship, things not said, circumstances of the death and so on. Everyone is different and grieves differently. Some people are completely numb after a bereavement and others openly emotional. No way is wrong.

We arrived with the coffin for my DH’s funeral.
Yes I think family should host - it’s not hard, and people are there to share their condolences with the family, so the family need to be available to accept them.

We all arrived with my Dad - I think that’s quite common and left straight after for a private burial , my mum couldn’t face lining up to meet a church full of people but we saw most people afterwards at his wake. If I had chosen to sit at the wake with my brother and not speak to anyone I don’t think anyone would have commented - or if they had I’d have thought less of them. Shame on you

This is really poor taste. Let people grieve in their own way. Imagine judging someone at their father’s funeral and then putting it on a discussion forum to be picked apart. Is this a real post?

Well I can certainly understand why the OP created a new username for this thread and hasn’t returned to it. They must have known the likely response.

I was late for my F's funeral, the M4 was shut. I don't remember having much control over the low-loader that hit the central reservation !

It was quite distressing enough without worrying about the judgement of others.

Well quite.

Its irrelevant whether they were delayed or had intentionally arrived at a time when they wouldn’t have to deal with self absorbed people like the OP just before an important moment which can be very difficult.

The nerve of you

Who are you to judge? How can you tell how upset they were? Not everyone weeps and wails whilst mingling with guests. The whole thing is traumatic and people act differently. Mind your own business, you are not even related.

Where I live the coffin is already in the church. A couple of family members greet people at the door then the undertaker brings the immediate family in just before the service starts.

you are being very judgemental. It’s one of the hardest things to get through and you just do whatever you can. I turned on the full hostess charm and delivered the eulogy (s almost like it was a work event)) as a coping mechanism because otherwise the sadness and the fact I had the responsibility supporting my dad and my children too would have over whelmed me. I can’t imagine how I would have felt it people were commenting that I wasn’t sad enough if I was doing that.

None of this ia your business, best i leave it there

Very rude of the OP not to properly host this thread and return to address her guests’ comments…

OP is the traffic bad and preventing you replying?

I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned

I actually can't believe you did that! How rude and insensitive of you.

How on earth can anyone critique people who have lost their father based on their “hosting” how visibly upset they are?

You think they were “rude” and made no effort to “mingle” and so were “disrespectful” to their dead father? Perhaps if they or he knew your thoughts they might think you self-obsessed, judgemental, shallow and unpleasant.

It's giving Main Character Syndrome.

I agree @Nannyfannybanny and it drives me up the Pedants wall when people called the funeral baked meats event a wake: it makes no sense to call something a wake after the funeral. But I fear that ship has sailed

Did the family spoil the party for you?!

With all due respect it may not be hard for you but you don’t get to say that for others. It absolutely was hard for me and again I make no apologies for it. I was there to mourn my son not to host others. If others like yourself are able to do that then fine. But it is absolutely not ok to judge others just because you personally didn’t find it hard.

I've never heard the funeral tea after the service called anything other than a wake.