To think family members should turn up before guests at a funeral?

[Porkyyorkylass]

I went to a dear friends funeral last week.
service started at 1pm. One of his daughters was there when I arrived saying hello etc at about 12.45ish. However his other two daughters were nowhere to be seen. They dashed into the chapel at 5minute past one - they had to delay bringing in the coffin to wait for them. They they were the first out at the end of the service and huddled in a corner together not talking to any of the invited guests. They didn’t look particularly upset or distressed so I don’t think that was the issue. I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned. At the wake again they just sat on a table chatting amongst themselves with their husbands and made no effort to mingle - again didn’t look particularly upset. I was just so embarrassed for my friend who I know would be upset if he saw his daughters being rude like this at his funeral. Also, I felt a bit sorry for the youngest daughter who clearly was making an effort and had to essentially ‘host’ alone. Maybe I’m being a prude - what do people think AIBU or were they incredibly rude and disrespectful to their father?

Do you think that your friend would be more upset at his daughters arriving (as is traditional) just before him, or at the idea of a friend spending his funeral nosing at his daughters, making unkind judgements about them, and then taking to MN to tell the world how awful they were? If this is your takeaway from your friends funeral, you are not much of a friend.

I hope the catering was up to your standards.

We arrived the same time as Dad did, following behind in the funeral car so were last in, we walked down in front of Dads coffin with male members carrying the coffin. We didnt greet people immediately after the service as we were distraught.

Your post is actually horrible and I wouldn't have wanted someone like you to attend mine or anyone I loved's service.

The worst part is when people come over and say how wonderful the deceased was, it sets you off all over again

That really is a matter of opinion.

I took great comfort at each of my parents' funerals from the number of people who came to tell us how much they liked my Mum or my Dad, and how much they were going to miss them. Over 20 years on and I still think about some of the stories they told me and memories they shared. I still get a warm feeling from the number of people who took the time to be there, and who stayed afterwards to talk to us.

So, personally, that wasn't 'the worst part' at all - it was what lifted the days to a sort of celebration of life. It was a hugely helpful part of the whole grieving process for my siblings and for me.

I don't want anyone, undertaker or otherwise, telling me how I 'should' behave at a friend's or relative's funeral.

Well I was treated with a lot of kindness at the funeral. People did approach me to offer condolences and then at the wake came to ask if I had everything I needed in terms of food and drink. That made it somewhat easier to interact. I was not, mercifully, doorstepped upon exiting the crematorium with a judgemental question. If this post is actually genuine, I think it’s perfectly possible the daughters were just taking a moment to process after the service. The comment about their lateness may well have upset and destabilised them and put them off talking to people later.

i have also been at a funeral of a child where a close relative was so utterly bereft that they entered and left the church in a daze and spent the wake in the garden in despair, unable to communicate with anyone. No judgement whatsoever from me. It was a harrowing sight to see and I can’t imagine feeling in any way affronted that I wasn’t acknowledged.

The lack of compassion in your post is staggering. The lack of self-awareness is also bewildering.

I didn't know you invited people to a funeral I thought you told people a person was dead and put the time of the funeral in the paper and made sure friends and family knew when it was - and who turns up is up to them, really. At both my late DH's funeral and his DM's and my DM's and my DB's funerals the guests were waiting outside when the cortege arrived with the family. In my DH's case we formed a procession to enter the church, behind the coffin (carried by his 3 grandsons, his nephew, his step-son and his step-daughter's partner) as the bells rang for him - ditto in reverse when we went to the cemetary. Much the same with DMiL. DB's coffin was in situ when we all walked in and DM's was taken in ahead of all the mourners, my DB (the one still alive, I have 2 brothers and one is dead) leading them behind the priest. So I don't expect family to arrive before all the other mourners, I expect family to be in the cortege (and some friends).
Also, funeral receptions are hardly a party and the guests are all in mourning. There may be chat but family members are not expected to circulate but, if able, can thank people for attending and recieve condolences. It's a wake, which can be jolly (we had a bonfire for one funeral) but may not be.
My family must be weird. Or maybe our local customs are weird?

Yes, that child’s funeral is what I was hinting at. I think everything goes out the window at such times. It’s a wholly unnatural horror that we’re generally not prepared for. I too sadly have been to such a funeral (and was embarrassed by my own mother’s inability to not dump her grief on the parents’ shoulders: I still shudder at the memory).

Perhaps I read the OP differently. In my mind, she approached her friend’s children, offered condolences, shared a memory or two, maybe made some polite small talk with others who may have been around, expressed pleasure the sun shone, asked if they’d got stuck in traffic because these things can be stressful at the best of time. I didn’t envision any door stepping or passing of judgement to the daughters’ faces!

Maybe they had a reason to arrive when they did which they didn’t want to tell you, someone they don’t really know. Crying too hard, mooncup overflowing, lost their notes for the speech, whatever

If your friend is looking down from on high, I expect he’s embarrassed to have been friends with someone so judgemental rather than about his children.

I don't know which op you were reading but

I managed to talk to one of them and said ‘I’m so sorry etc and politely asked if they had hit traffic and how stressed they must’ve been trying to get to the service - they looked a bit non plused and said they weren’t stressed and arrived exactly as planned.

This is why we kept my dad’s funeral as small as possible - to avoid judgmental busy bodies.

It's not. Though maybe in London?

Have you ever buried someone you love? Hosting the wake is a bit hit and miss. In my case I was on anti-depressants as DH had a cardiac arrest when I was out of the room for 5 minutes making our lunch and I was also floating on a sea of gin and wine fed me by DS, DD, DSS etc who were also distraught (DD had sat with me the 18 days it took my DH's heart to stop after he was resuscitated). A funeral is both a social occasion and a sad occasion. Yes, we meet and chat, but there is no obligation on distraught family members to be good hosts so that you can feel you have enjoyed the party.

I think you shouldn't judge people who have had a bereavement.

I think the etiquette being talked about is non-existent. Family arrive with the coffin. Mourners may be in the church but locally are always outside and then the family and the other mourners process in following the coffin.
At a wake the 'etiquette' is to make sure the family are comfortable and fed and given drinks, people come and condole and speak of the dead person. No-one hosts an after funeral wake.
I am so sorry about your son. You must have been beside yourself. I hope you have come to some terms with the loss.💐

A funeral is not a party where you have to worry about "guests" People react differently in grief and if you don't know someone well you can have no idea what they are feeling or how they are coping behind closed doors.

People who are grieving don't have to perform for the public and because they can try to appear calm for a few hours and not call attention to themselves doesn't mean they have no feelings. They may prefer to be private about their grief and they have every right to do that.

The fact that the daughters in the OP's post arrived just before hand and left quickly, indicates that they didn't want to mix with the crowds. It was hard on the Youngest, but perhaps that's the way she wanted to deal with it. It's just different approaches.

OP your post comes across as very nasty and judgemental - I am sure you aren’t nasty and judgmental. Maybe ask yourself why you feel the need to comment about people and the way they behave when they have recently lost a parent and it’s the funeral? Good people wouldn’t do that would they?

This as well as your elephant-sized rudeness and judgement.

I attended a funeral a few years ago where the deceased had young grandchildren. A mini slide, some toys and a tablet with cartoons on at low volume had been put in the back of the hall where the service was held. This raised eyebrows but it turned out that the babysitter was ill and the wife and daughter had decided that this was the only way that the daughter could attend her own father's funeral in relative peace. At the wake, the kids were taken to play at the playground opposite and their grandmother popped out now and then to play with them. It was a bit odd but I'm sure they wouldn't have given much thought to other people's opinions of how a funeral should be run. All families are different.

Maybe they are ND and the thought of mourning their father and have to talk and in Tracy with others is too much.

maybe their relationship with their father was bad and they weren’t ready to be at how wonderful he was to everyone else.

please don’t judge others until you have walked a mile in their shoes.

On the morning of my auntie's funeral her mother - my grandmother - decided she couldn't bear to go, it was just too hard. So my mum stayed behind with her to keep her company at the house where we had food and drinks afterwards (which was something in and of itself as my mum and her MIL never got on - but my mum put all of that aside on the day, because compassion is a thing - I'm not sure if you're heard of it OP?) If I had heard even a single person comment on the fact that my grandmother wasn't there I would have taken them aside and given them some short shrift that would be ringing in their ears to this day. Honestly this thread has made me so cross.

5 minutes doesn’t sound like much in the scheme of things, and if you were seated you can’t know exactly how things went for them to enter at 1.05 with the coffin anyway. You mention them leaving first too as if that was rude, but that’s the correct funeral etiquette!

Perhaps this is how you are dealing with your own grief for your friend, as perhaps feeling peeved is an easier thing to concentrate on than loss. Would your friend have appreciated you effectively chastising his daughters and certainly judging them on this day? I doubt it. They could have got roaring drunk and created a scene at the wake and you still wouldn’t have the right to be embarrassed on your late friend’s behalf, but it doesn’t sound like they have done anything remotely embarrassing.

It's a funeral. Stop judging people

I sadly had to attend the funeral of a young person this week. The last thing we expected of his family was to ‘host’ and go round making small talk to the other mourners.