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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Hosting guests, did we expect to much?

399 replies

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:13

Apologies for the long post.

We met a couple abroad a couple of years ago where we have a holiday home. Kept in touch via what's app and met up them when we were abroad at the same time. We got on well but did notice they were a bit mean. My DH is overly generous and they were happy to accept my DH paying for dinner, drinks etc and never reciprocated. I kept telling my DH to stop paying for things but that's who he is.

Anyway DH then invited them to our country to stay for the weekend. We have a rental that we had just finished refurbishing and he offered them the accommodation before we put it up for rent. They gladly accepted and booked flights.

The rental is high quality, top spec and in a very sought after part of our country/area. We made sure it was kitted out with toiletries, towels, fridge was stocked with drinks and treats etc.

We collected them from the airport after a 4 hour delay ( not their fault). First night we had drinks in the local and got a takeaway on the way home. Second day we had booked a tour ( their request). My DH had booked and paid for it and told them how much it was. They never mentioned paying for the tour so DH didn't say anything more about it as he was thinking they might offer to get food, drinks etc. DH paid for three taxid, again they didn't offer. We bought the alcohol for our home that they drink and cooked lovely food, desserts etc. In total my DH spent close to 800 quid the weekend they were here.

In return they contributed nothing bar buying a few drinks for themselves when we were out. Surely this is not normal. I know I'm going to be told that it's DH fault for being too generous and I agree and he agrees himself but surely you would expect them to at least buy you a drink at the bare minumum.

OP posts:
Whatwouldnanado · 17/10/2025 17:31

You and dh sound lovely. I would chalk this one up to experience. With their various complaints etc as well as selfish attitude they are not your friends! Be ‘busy’ if they contact you again. They will take the hint.

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 17:32

jumpingthehighjump · 17/10/2025 17:30

OP... do they have a timeshare abroad? One where they go the same 2 weeks every year? Because if you own a property, they are probably jealous and decided to just use you because - in their eyes- you are more wealthy

It's a family friends house. They probably stay there for free too 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 17:35

Rumpledandcrumpled · 17/10/2025 17:31

Ok, so you think they likely think you’re wealthy. You also think they are not wealthy and don’t have much money. So set them straight, and say how will we split this. I beleive their behaviour to be awful and grabby but I am also not sure yours is much better. You gifted these people hugely and did effectively pay to be with them. It’s odd, op. Really odd.

Show quote history

It's really not odd. We have hosted many times both home and abroad and have never had anybody stay with us or visit us or use our holiday home and not been grateful and gifted us something or wanted to at least contribute to something.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 17:37

Also the country we are from are known for their hospitality, warm welcome and a generally more laid back attitude who value family and friends.

OP posts:
FreeTheOakTree · 17/10/2025 17:38

I voted YABU because allowing this cheeky fuckery makes you unreasonable.

You knew what they were like, yet invited them to stay.

I would block all contact going forward. They are parasites.

Hayfield123 · 17/10/2025 17:41

Don’t beat yourself up for being nice people they were freeloaders and they have completely taken advantage of you. Don't let it cloud your judgement in future. There are lots of people out there that are really nice and would deserve your friendship.

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 17/10/2025 17:42

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 17:37

Also the country we are from are known for their hospitality, warm welcome and a generally more laid back attitude who value family and friends.

I recently stayed with some friends for two nights, we arrived with about £25 of treats that they can’t get in America.
My DH and I paid for brunch out for the four of us twice, each couple paid for their own dinner out twice.
We then went somewhere else with them, they paid for 4 days car parking and we paid for $130 Uber.
They picked us up from the airport and drove us back which we really appreciated.
I think we were fair and didn’t take the mick, it’s tricky to get it completely right.

jumpingthehighjump · 17/10/2025 17:42

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 17:32

It's a family friends house. They probably stay there for free too 😂

Show quote history

Oh heck yes, even worse. We used to own a mobile home in an idyllic spot when the DCs were little. Some 'friends' of ours (I use the term loosely!) stayed for two weeks in school holidays as a favour. Because we did it once, they just assumed that those two weeks were 'theirs'. We were a bit meek and mild back then and rolled with it.
But having this mobile home where I could take my DCs on a whim (literally pack up and go the next day) meant I couldn't do that and it drove me potty. They gave us nothing, nothing at all for the privilege and left the place in a mess. Never again.

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 17:45

jumpingthehighjump · 17/10/2025 17:42

Oh heck yes, even worse. We used to own a mobile home in an idyllic spot when the DCs were little. Some 'friends' of ours (I use the term loosely!) stayed for two weeks in school holidays as a favour. Because we did it once, they just assumed that those two weeks were 'theirs'. We were a bit meek and mild back then and rolled with it.
But having this mobile home where I could take my DCs on a whim (literally pack up and go the next day) meant I couldn't do that and it drove me potty. They gave us nothing, nothing at all for the privilege and left the place in a mess. Never again.

Show quote history

It's awful isn't it. I could never do that.

OP posts:
Skyflyinghigh · 17/10/2025 17:49

you and your DH sound lovely and have been totally taken advantage of. Don’t let it change who you are but I wouldn’t be meeting up with those CFs again. My DH is a bit like yours and it upsets me when people take advantage of his kind nature

Lindy2 · 17/10/2025 17:49

Why did you invite them?

You don't actually know them very much. You met them on holiday and stayed in touch via WhatsApp. That's just an acquaintance really and you already spotted they were tight.

To he honest you were a but daft to keep spending so much. Generous but a bit daft if you're now disappointed they didn't contribute.

They sound very rude and entitled.

TorroFerney · 17/10/2025 18:01

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/10/2025 13:17

Why did you invite them in the first place?

Yes this boggles my mind inviting people who you don't actually know and have only really seen whilst on holiday. Random people really!

Is your husband a terrible people pleaser or does he get a kick out of being seen as a generous host? I think there is something to unpack there for him. People who keep paying for others - it's some boundary issues, like people will like me if I am generous.

TorroFerney · 17/10/2025 18:06

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 14:32

My DH was not showing of, he is not like that all. Extremely generous to a fault but not flashy.We don't talk about our income but it doesn't take much to know that we are comfortable.

Show quote history

We do things because we get something out of it. He gets something out of being generous, it's for him not other people. Did he grow up poor?

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 17/10/2025 18:06

TorroFerney · 17/10/2025 18:01

Yes this boggles my mind inviting people who you don't actually know and have only really seen whilst on holiday. Random people really!

Is your husband a terrible people pleaser or does he get a kick out of being seen as a generous host? I think there is something to unpack there for him. People who keep paying for others - it's some boundary issues, like people will like me if I am generous.

Edited
Show quote history

I went and stayed with people I met on holiday, then we holidayed together and now meet every year.

Melonmango70 · 17/10/2025 18:15

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:13

Apologies for the long post.

We met a couple abroad a couple of years ago where we have a holiday home. Kept in touch via what's app and met up them when we were abroad at the same time. We got on well but did notice they were a bit mean. My DH is overly generous and they were happy to accept my DH paying for dinner, drinks etc and never reciprocated. I kept telling my DH to stop paying for things but that's who he is.

Anyway DH then invited them to our country to stay for the weekend. We have a rental that we had just finished refurbishing and he offered them the accommodation before we put it up for rent. They gladly accepted and booked flights.

The rental is high quality, top spec and in a very sought after part of our country/area. We made sure it was kitted out with toiletries, towels, fridge was stocked with drinks and treats etc.

We collected them from the airport after a 4 hour delay ( not their fault). First night we had drinks in the local and got a takeaway on the way home. Second day we had booked a tour ( their request). My DH had booked and paid for it and told them how much it was. They never mentioned paying for the tour so DH didn't say anything more about it as he was thinking they might offer to get food, drinks etc. DH paid for three taxid, again they didn't offer. We bought the alcohol for our home that they drink and cooked lovely food, desserts etc. In total my DH spent close to 800 quid the weekend they were here.

In return they contributed nothing bar buying a few drinks for themselves when we were out. Surely this is not normal. I know I'm going to be told that it's DH fault for being too generous and I agree and he agrees himself but surely you would expect them to at least buy you a drink at the bare minumum.

Why did no-one ask about payment for the tour beforehand? Why not agree, yes, that sounds a great tour, it's £XX.XX, pop the wonga over and we'll book it. If someone just offered to book a tour for me, even if I'd expressed an interest, I'd think maybe they wanted to go too, and that it was possibly a treat. However, I'd follow that up with "How much do I owe you?" Equally, if I booked a tour for someone else, even if I was going myself, I'd message saying "Tour is booked, looking forward to it! My a/c no. is xxxxxxx, it was £X each, looking forward to it!" Or, I'd suck it up. But if I sucked it up, I'd be really pissed off (and not really sucking it up at all!) and I'd have to remind them out loud if they were staying with us! And then all enjoy the tour together....

Wrenjay · 17/10/2025 18:23

We have had relatives (DH's) stay for 2 weeks from another country, and we had bought nicer food and wine. They never even bought us coffee or tea when out, let alone a bun. One evening we (DH and I) weren't having wine, but they wanted wine and when the bottle was empty asked for another bottle. They came to the supermarket with me and I thought they would pay for the groceries (it was not a big shop) but no. They purchased some mineral water and when putting it in our car said it was just for them when we take them out on trips!

On the last evening my husband told them that we would be going out for dinner and they were expected to pay as a gesture of thanks. It was a Beefeater place, so not expensive. Their comment was "It was the most fine dining they would ever do".

We will never entertain them again in our home.

VickyEadieofThigh · 17/10/2025 18:25

We have close friends who are constantly moaning about how, when they've been out with other people, they end up paying for everything. We keep saying "So, stop doing that" - but they continue to do it.

CommonAsMucklowe · 17/10/2025 18:26

The other couple found their perfect mark. Send them an itemised list of what that all cost and ask if they'd like to contribute. Bet you don't hear a word from them again.

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 18:36

Melonmango70 · 17/10/2025 18:15

Why did no-one ask about payment for the tour beforehand? Why not agree, yes, that sounds a great tour, it's £XX.XX, pop the wonga over and we'll book it. If someone just offered to book a tour for me, even if I'd expressed an interest, I'd think maybe they wanted to go too, and that it was possibly a treat. However, I'd follow that up with "How much do I owe you?" Equally, if I booked a tour for someone else, even if I was going myself, I'd message saying "Tour is booked, looking forward to it! My a/c no. is xxxxxxx, it was £X each, looking forward to it!" Or, I'd suck it up. But if I sucked it up, I'd be really pissed off (and not really sucking it up at all!) and I'd have to remind them out loud if they were staying with us! And then all enjoy the tour together....

Show quote history

You obviously have not read the full thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 18:38

Wrenjay · 17/10/2025 18:23

We have had relatives (DH's) stay for 2 weeks from another country, and we had bought nicer food and wine. They never even bought us coffee or tea when out, let alone a bun. One evening we (DH and I) weren't having wine, but they wanted wine and when the bottle was empty asked for another bottle. They came to the supermarket with me and I thought they would pay for the groceries (it was not a big shop) but no. They purchased some mineral water and when putting it in our car said it was just for them when we take them out on trips!

On the last evening my husband told them that we would be going out for dinner and they were expected to pay as a gesture of thanks. It was a Beefeater place, so not expensive. Their comment was "It was the most fine dining they would ever do".

We will never entertain them again in our home.

Some people are just awful.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 18:43

TorroFerney · 17/10/2025 18:01

Yes this boggles my mind inviting people who you don't actually know and have only really seen whilst on holiday. Random people really!

Is your husband a terrible people pleaser or does he get a kick out of being seen as a generous host? I think there is something to unpack there for him. People who keep paying for others - it's some boundary issues, like people will like me if I am generous.

Edited
Show quote history

So I added it up that before they visited us we had met them 15 times. Not all of our meet ups were dinner and drinks. We went to the beach, local markets, local waterfalls, they came to us and we went to theirs. If you think of somebody dating they might meet twice a week so that's over 7 months as well as whats apps etc.

Yes my DH is a people pleaser due to his upbringing.

OP posts:
Mumtobabyhavoc · 17/10/2025 18:43

You can't ask for money after the fact. You could stay pleasant and just pay only your own way in future get togethers, phase them out or just ghost them now.

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 18:53

I would not ask for money for the food and drinks we paid for but I think it's reasonable to ask for them to pay for the tour they wanted to do.

OP posts:
SunnyViper · 17/10/2025 18:58

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 14:34

I think I might speak to DH tonight about at least asking for the money for the tour. The funny thing is I know DH will feel that we are being tight by asking 😅

Your DH has issues with money. He will be abused for the rest of his life by CFs if he doesn’t sort himself out.

Caplin · 17/10/2025 19:04

We have a family friend who is terrible for this. We have learned just to tell them it is their turn to pay.

in this case I would just itemise everything and say, as we mentioned beforehand, this was the tour cost, plus we split the food and taxis. Here are our bank deets to transfer to.

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