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AIBU?

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Original poster

Hosting guests, did we expect to much?

399 replies

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:13

Apologies for the long post.

We met a couple abroad a couple of years ago where we have a holiday home. Kept in touch via what's app and met up them when we were abroad at the same time. We got on well but did notice they were a bit mean. My DH is overly generous and they were happy to accept my DH paying for dinner, drinks etc and never reciprocated. I kept telling my DH to stop paying for things but that's who he is.

Anyway DH then invited them to our country to stay for the weekend. We have a rental that we had just finished refurbishing and he offered them the accommodation before we put it up for rent. They gladly accepted and booked flights.

The rental is high quality, top spec and in a very sought after part of our country/area. We made sure it was kitted out with toiletries, towels, fridge was stocked with drinks and treats etc.

We collected them from the airport after a 4 hour delay ( not their fault). First night we had drinks in the local and got a takeaway on the way home. Second day we had booked a tour ( their request). My DH had booked and paid for it and told them how much it was. They never mentioned paying for the tour so DH didn't say anything more about it as he was thinking they might offer to get food, drinks etc. DH paid for three taxid, again they didn't offer. We bought the alcohol for our home that they drink and cooked lovely food, desserts etc. In total my DH spent close to 800 quid the weekend they were here.

In return they contributed nothing bar buying a few drinks for themselves when we were out. Surely this is not normal. I know I'm going to be told that it's DH fault for being too generous and I agree and he agrees himself but surely you would expect them to at least buy you a drink at the bare minumum.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 21:39

MayaPinion · 17/10/2025 21:31

Is there a big disparity in finances. For example, is your holiday home in a really deprived third world country so although they are comfortable there they can’t afford lot in your country? That said, it would have been polite of them to bring some gifts as a minimum. Otherwise they’re just freeloading.

Definitely not a third world country. There is a disparity in finances but as I said on the last night after a few to many drinks we found out how much they actually earn and have in savings. At the end of the day even if we asked for 400 quid, half of what DH spent that is incredibly cheap for 3 days and nights in a very popular and expensive city. I have never paid 400 for food, drinks and accommodation for two people for three nights.

OP posts:
jumpingthehighjump · 17/10/2025 21:44

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 21:29

My DH is not a Billy big balls whatsoever. We are actually a very humble and low key couple. It's hard when you walk into a pub and they sit down and expect drinks. Same in the taxi, sit in the back and the get out before fare is paid. Please don't be disrespectful to my DH who is the most lovely, kind person you could ever wish to meet.

Show quote history

I'm with you. My DH is like this. But.... once bitten twice shy.

Fiendship · 18/10/2025 08:21

We have local friends - funny, interesting, similar age kids. They go away and stay a lot with their friends from childhood, uni, work.
The thing all these friends have in common when the trips are described, is huge amounts of wealth.
I do sort of admire the woman, poor upbringing, hustles to move up. I suspect she makes an effort to keep in touch with them and has the balls to invite themselves.
Every trip is described and I do love the details of the holiday homes, the London houses, the transport. She is good company.
May be the hosts think they are hard up, they couple talk the modest talk of care home fees, uni aged kids but there's a few properties and the expectation of inheritance. I think at one point they both assumed they would be wealthier by this point so there's a feeling their owed a bit of wealth, that they should be in that circle.
I sometimes wonder how the host families feel after they've left.

ThePoshUns · 18/10/2025 08:40

Fiendship · 18/10/2025 08:21

We have local friends - funny, interesting, similar age kids. They go away and stay a lot with their friends from childhood, uni, work.
The thing all these friends have in common when the trips are described, is huge amounts of wealth.
I do sort of admire the woman, poor upbringing, hustles to move up. I suspect she makes an effort to keep in touch with them and has the balls to invite themselves.
Every trip is described and I do love the details of the holiday homes, the London houses, the transport. She is good company.
May be the hosts think they are hard up, they couple talk the modest talk of care home fees, uni aged kids but there's a few properties and the expectation of inheritance. I think at one point they both assumed they would be wealthier by this point so there's a feeling their owed a bit of wealth, that they should be in that circle.
I sometimes wonder how the host families feel after they've left.

Maybe their friends like them for who they are and enjoy their company?

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 18/10/2025 08:52

Fiendship · 18/10/2025 08:21

We have local friends - funny, interesting, similar age kids. They go away and stay a lot with their friends from childhood, uni, work.
The thing all these friends have in common when the trips are described, is huge amounts of wealth.
I do sort of admire the woman, poor upbringing, hustles to move up. I suspect she makes an effort to keep in touch with them and has the balls to invite themselves.
Every trip is described and I do love the details of the holiday homes, the London houses, the transport. She is good company.
May be the hosts think they are hard up, they couple talk the modest talk of care home fees, uni aged kids but there's a few properties and the expectation of inheritance. I think at one point they both assumed they would be wealthier by this point so there's a feeling their owed a bit of wealth, that they should be in that circle.
I sometimes wonder how the host families feel after they've left.

I have two couple friends who are really wealthy. I have recently visited both and I really don’t think it is as you describe. I’ve received lovely messages from both couples saying what fun they had and when can I go back and can I stay longer/stay at their condo with them next time and so on. How they loved that I loved their boat etc.
Wealthy people don’t only like to hang out with other wealthy people. One of my friends often messages me and says she’s so happy we met. She often tells her friends about what fun we had doing such and such and I feel the same way, I feel we’ve enriched each other’s lives.
Your friend’s friends wouldn’t have them over unless they really enjoyed her company. Some people are generous and want to share their fabulous homes/boats etc with their friends.

MaturingCheeseball · 18/10/2025 09:11

I so recognise the dh here. It is difficult, as the OP states, when people hang back from paying, resolutely sit down in pubs and leap out of taxis first. What do you do? If you challenge them there’s an atmosphere, so you just pay up and the cfs win.

When I get wound up about this sort of thing dh just says it’s not worth it. As I said upthread, he has improved, but for years he was Mr ATM. (Agree that upbringing is the root of it.)

PennyPugwash · 18/10/2025 09:46

You and your husband are without a doubt Irish. I recognise your husband’s traits in myself. Being generous is a beautiful trait. Unfortunately this pair have used it to their advantage and been cheeky with it too.
stinginess is such a turn off for me. You’ve learned a hard lesson and you won’t entertain them
again.
I do suggest messaging them re: the tour.
“hi guys, hope you made it home safely. I know we mentioned the cost of the tour was X each. With all the catching up we never got round to sorting that. Could you pop X in Y account? Have a good weekend”

best of luck OP!x

moose62 · 18/10/2025 10:31

Your DH is lovely. I am overly generous as well...especially with my children, but that is another story.
I would chalk the food and drinks up to experience but would send them a message saying how much you enjoyed their visit and include your bank details so that they can pay you the money owed for the tour.
Word it so they are in no doubt that you expect payment.

JediNinja · 18/10/2025 11:05

It sounds like they are not your friends but friends with the lifestyle and entertainment you could provide. Even if you were absolutely loaded to the point of not needing to keep count of how much you are spending... a friend or someone who cared for you would try to please you and show gratitude in some other way. Perhaps with a small present or food from their country, some little ornament for the house, some chocolates, whatever. Or trying to help with the hosting, entertaining the kids, being generally grateful. They are no seeing you as people and definitely not as friends, just as a means of payment with whom they need to interact and have some conversations in order for you to keep paying. So sorry.

You and your DH both sound lovely btw.

PloddingAlong21 · 18/10/2025 11:22

You can be nice and still not be a doormat.

If they aren’t forthcoming after the first round of drinks…”right, you’re round next isn’t it?” or an email to sort the tour fees shouldn’t be feared.

These people are not your friends. I wouldn’t bother with them. If they reach out I would probably tell them I felt our friendship was no longer feasible due to the feeling of being taken advantage of. You’re losing their friendship anyway, calmly informing them why may help them reassess their behaviour towards others.

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 18/10/2025 12:45

So an update. Myself and DH spoke last night and he read some of the posts here. He agreed it was the right thing to ask for the money for the tour.

Text message was sent at 9pm, something along the lines of " Hi Bill and Ben, just remembered I didn't give you my bank details to transfer money for the tour. I will send them now, thanks. He then sent a screenshot of the booking with the cost.

Literally instantly the cheerier one replies with a puzzled face emoji. We didn't respond to that. They then sent a message saying, if they had of known the tour was not what they had imagined they wouldn't have bothered because its not worth the money in their opinion.

We didn't respond to that either just sat tight. Thirty minutes later another message questioning if we knew if there would be bank fees involved if they did a bank transfer.

DH replied that he didn't know.

Another message, "probably be just easier to buy you a round of drinks next time we meet up" and a laughing emoji.

We didn't reply and went to bed.

This morning DH text and kept it light. Laughing emoji, "no thanks, you can just transfer the money . Wardrobemarker and I are not sure of our plans for next year so bank transfer be best, thanks.

No reply as of yet.

Bearing in mind a round of drinks for me and DH is literally 5 quid. The tour was 35 quid each.

OP posts:
Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 18/10/2025 12:45

Not cheerier, cheekier.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 18/10/2025 12:54

Well I would rather be married to your DH than either of these grifters- better to be overly generous, than just plain mean and rude.

Unfortunately with folk like that, they pick their marks very carefully. Your DHs generosity on holiday had him identified as a prime target, plus the lack of insistence on getting paid for the tour at the time of booking. With people like that it’s very hard to wriggle out of the situation once you’re in it, and as you have said you have entertained people before and not had scenarios like that. So I would chalk it up to experience and watch out carefully for warning signs in future.

We have some relatives with stingy tendencies. It is very hard to keep your hands in your pockets when it’s not what you’re used to. In my immediate family and friends people are always fighting to have the honour of paying the bill, or at least making sure the other company is not out of pocket in any way. But after some years with tighter relatives and a reduction in our own finances as we head to retirement, we have learned to match the energy and only pay our fair share.

PennyPugwash · 18/10/2025 12:55

@Wardrobemarkerwell done both. I would imagine you’ll not see them or the money again, but at least you’ve let them know that you’re miffed and they’ve been CF.
some people are unbelievable

Terrribletwos · 18/10/2025 12:55

I am wondering @Wardrobemarker did they even thank you for you and your husband's generosity at the time or later send a message?

rookiemere · 18/10/2025 12:56

Sorry cross posted - good on your DH ! You will never see the money but I guess it’s worth it as you will never see them again either !

Theslummymummy · 18/10/2025 13:25

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 13:32

I do agree that it's our fault and we were naively hoping that they would buy something. I just dont understand how you can be so mean though. My DH is not flash with the cash at all, I was actually really saddened by the whole experience. Lesson learned though.

It sounds like he is incredibly flash with the cash.

Theslummymummy · 18/10/2025 13:28

Wardrobemarker · 17/10/2025 14:44

They know somebody with a home in the same place so they go there for 10 days at the same time for the last five years or so and have booked their flights for next year. I know the dates they go so that's something. Yes we are fortunate to have what we have but it hasn't come without blood, sweat and tears and lots of sacrifices. Myself and DH are very normal, not flashy, my car is 10 years old and a people carrier and I don't wear expensive clothes or designer brands and neither does DH. We put our money into building up our assets for our future and our children's future.

Show quote history

No one has said you haven't sacrificed, but owning 3 properties isn't normal.

Terrribletwos · 18/10/2025 14:15

Theslummymummy · 18/10/2025 13:28

No one has said you haven't sacrificed, but owning 3 properties isn't normal.

Show quote history

What's that got to do with the cfs being cfs?

Original poster
Wardrobemarker · 18/10/2025 14:32

Theslummymummy · 18/10/2025 13:28

No one has said you haven't sacrificed, but owning 3 properties isn't normal.

Show quote history

I don't know how you would like me to respond to this.

OP posts:
howshouldibehave · 18/10/2025 14:38

It's hard when you walk into a pub and they sit down and expect drinks. Same in the taxi, sit in the back and the get out before fare is paid.

If 'friends' did this once, I probably wouldn't see them again. I certainly wouldn't ever have them to stay!

ThePoshUns · 18/10/2025 14:39

Well done on messaging the CFs, their replies show just how cheeky they are. My money is on them not paying and you never hearing from them again.

Firedrink · 18/10/2025 14:42

They are low class scum.
Hope you and your husband realise that.

YourPeppyAmberTraybake · 18/10/2025 15:31

Wardrobemarker · 18/10/2025 12:45

So an update. Myself and DH spoke last night and he read some of the posts here. He agreed it was the right thing to ask for the money for the tour.

Text message was sent at 9pm, something along the lines of " Hi Bill and Ben, just remembered I didn't give you my bank details to transfer money for the tour. I will send them now, thanks. He then sent a screenshot of the booking with the cost.

Literally instantly the cheerier one replies with a puzzled face emoji. We didn't respond to that. They then sent a message saying, if they had of known the tour was not what they had imagined they wouldn't have bothered because its not worth the money in their opinion.

We didn't respond to that either just sat tight. Thirty minutes later another message questioning if we knew if there would be bank fees involved if they did a bank transfer.

DH replied that he didn't know.

Another message, "probably be just easier to buy you a round of drinks next time we meet up" and a laughing emoji.

We didn't reply and went to bed.

This morning DH text and kept it light. Laughing emoji, "no thanks, you can just transfer the money . Wardrobemarker and I are not sure of our plans for next year so bank transfer be best, thanks.

No reply as of yet.

Bearing in mind a round of drinks for me and DH is literally 5 quid. The tour was 35 quid each.

They are unbelievable, I thought maybe they weren’t tight and just thoughtless but this shows how cheap they are. I feel really cross on your behalf.
Good for both of you to send these texts.

Exhaustedanxious · 18/10/2025 17:41

You noticed they were tight on holiday yet still decided to invite them to stay, and now you’re surprised they free-loaded? I don’t understand your logic.
in some cultures an invitation means the host pays.