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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL holiday plans - long rant

139 replies

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:07

My SIL is leaving her 8yr ds at her parents for 8 weeks in the summer. My mil isn't able to look after children & my fil has his own activities and work (both are wonderful btw).

We're going for 10 days & will have to look after her ds as well as our 5 kids (one is a baby). The rest of the hols other family will be there for sometime, he'll be on his own with pil for awhile & then at nearly the end of August sil arrives for a week & a bit.

We planned to visit pil when we'd not have to look after other kids (as she's done this before). Sil hasn't spoken to us to ask us if we'd be able to look after her ds or even to acknowledge the efforts we'll make.

I was so looking forward to a troublefree holiday & just hate how she just expects that me & dh will do her job for her. We can't change our plans as it's all booked & also we want our kids to spend time with their grandparents.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:19

Probably makes no sense!!

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:22

could rant & rant on this

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 05/06/2008 00:25

I can understand your annoyance, but you're a bit stuck if your PILs have agreed to look after their GS.
Will one more child make all that much difference, though?
If so, is there somewhere nearby that you can stay, so you can still see PILs, but won't be directly responsible for the little boy?

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:25

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 05/06/2008 00:28

I'll assume not then.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:29

thank for replying HC - will make loads of difference as dd will be crawling, pil have a swimming pool.....

Would feel bad staying somewhere else as kids need to see their granparents & even if we did we'd be at pil all day & evening. Plus it would be so expensive - already we've reached our holiday budget with plane & car rental.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:29

thank for replying HC - will make loads of difference as dd will be crawling, pil have a swimming pool.....

Would feel bad staying somewhere else as kids need to see their granparents & even if we did we'd be at pil all day & evening. Plus it would be so expensive - already we've reached our holiday budget with plane & car rental.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 05/06/2008 00:30

Tis tricky, indeed.
Is SIL working away?

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:34

Sil lives a whole days travel away from pil as do we.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:36

she also works & her exP has her ds every other weekend. She wont see her ds for 6 weeks & will have lots of her own activities planned. This happened last time when she returned home to her social life leaving us with her ds on hols.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 06:54

just bumping this up ......

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 07:00

all our kids apart from one are younger than him.

He'll just run down to the pool at any moment so hard for us to explain to our kids about pool safethy plus we'll have to monitor him there. So everytime I or dh will have to grab all the younger ones and head down to the pool area or leave the other looking after our kids so one of us can watch out for him. He wont listen to us.

We'd planned some some day trips as well - leaving early for a morning at the beach, going to the park - we wont have space in the car to take him plus we can't leave one of ours behind. Last time my sil dumped him on us we still did our day trips but he was upset by this. So do we just cancel our plans?

OP posts:
ninedragons · 05/06/2008 07:26

Isn't the pool fenced? Jesus, you can't be responsible for an eight-year-old (who may not regard you as having much authority anyway) around an unfenced pool.

Short of cancelling your trip, though, I can't see what you could do about it.

wannaBe · 05/06/2008 07:32

does he have sn? I ask only because I would have thought that at 8 he should have some idea about pool safety.

am that anyone could leave their child for that length of time.

laura032004 · 05/06/2008 07:32

That's a really difficult situation. I can't imagine what I'd do. Can you approach your SIL and explain how you feel? Perhaps suggest that if she pays something towards your car rental you could hire a bigger car and take him too?

What does she expect him to do? Be entertained by all of your PIL's visitors?

SofiaAmes · 05/06/2008 07:44

I'm confused. Isn't sil leaving her ds with her parents. Why is that an infringement on you. Presumably her parents have agreed to the arrangement. I understand that you are also visiting for a short period, but isn't that your choice. And also your choice how much you look after your nephew during that period? Frankly I think you sound a little jealous of sil's freedom vs your 5 children. Is your nephew not nice to your kids? I would have thought he would be useful for playing with them.
I would be quite irritated if I had arranged with my parents to have my son over the summer and then my brother's sister complained to me that my arrangements put her out when she was visiting with her 5 kids!
Regarding the pool...it should be fenced in and NO CHILD not even an 8 year old who knows how to swim should be allowed to enter the water without an adult present.

2point4kids · 05/06/2008 08:23

Invent something 'urgent' that has come up at work and change your holiday dates!

Failing that then just go and make even more plans to be out and about and just leave him with your in laws who are supposed to be looking after him.

What do your older children do on holiday - wont they play with their cousin if they are similar ages? while you watch the baby more closely...

yomellamoHelly · 05/06/2008 08:32

So he's there as an extra play/help-mate for your dcs. That's good surely?
Do the days out etc you'd planned. He is old enough to understand that there's no room in your car. And when you're there include him in your activities. Make PIL run after him to the pool or don't allow him to go down to it.
Personally I'd speak to your PIL or SIL about arranging tennis club or whatever for a couple of those eight weeks.
I feel a bit sorry for him, particularly if your parents aren't up to looking after him that well.

jammi · 05/06/2008 08:37

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cheeset · 05/06/2008 09:18

Your nefew is your PIL's responsibility whilst he is in their care but how can you ignore him when he is doing things that can harm himself and drag your dc into harm as well?

It is unfair on you all.

YABU because of the impact on you and your family, I would be too.

It's all very well saying that you should all muck in because you are a family but it's your holiday as well.

Yes it's lovely that you have this close bond and all the GC benefit from this sunny happy senario of lazy days but the reality is different. When your there and jonny hasn't put his suncream on, your chasing him around the house trying to catch him blah blah, it's damn irritating. You'd want to step in and help your IL's out naturally. Where's his mother? She has no responsibility of his care for 8 weeks.

8 weeks without his mum?
Your SIL and PIL have arranged this set up ,just let them get on with it.

I'd hire the car because it will solve guilty feeling of driving off without your nefew and will be nice for your DC.

IneedacleanerIamalazyslattern · 05/06/2008 09:31

Sorry confused so not sure if YABU or not.
The way I read it was that your SIL is leaving her DS at her parents house (your PIL) over the summer BUT your FIL will be at work and your MIL is not fit to look after children for one reason or another so basically she is leaving him there knowing that her parents can't/won't be doing it that it will be other visiting relatives over the summer is that right???

If that is right then YANBU to be annoyed because although he is staying at your PIL it is under the premis that you will be doing the childcare for him while you are there so really in that case she should have discussed with the people that will end up doing the child care.

love2sleep · 05/06/2008 09:33

I'm confused

Would SIL be able to leave her ds with your PIL if you were not going to be there? If so then YABU as this is an arrangement between them. If not (and if she is relying on the fact that you will be there) then YANBU as she is taking you for granted and should not presume that you would look after her child.

cheeset · 05/06/2008 09:37

I just can't believe SIL is not there for 8 weeks Thats 2 months

When we have children, we have to make sacrifices and take responsibility for them, they are our kids.

I think your SIL is selfish to leave her son there for 8 weeks, it's not fair on her parents. How does anyone know wether they are prepared to care for him for their daughters sake?

Is SIL me me me, have you got some background before I rattle on?

clam · 05/06/2008 09:43

So, during the periods when nephew will be with PILs alone, without other family members there, who is looking after him? Just re-read your post, as had missed part about MIL being unable to look after kids and FIL being busy. In that case, your SIL is BU, not you. I totally sympathise and the only way you're likely to get a resentment-free holiday is if you clear some ground rules (with SIL and nephew) in advance. Might be better if DH was in charge of this, as it's his family. 1st rule being about the pool!

jammi · 05/06/2008 10:10

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