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Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL holiday plans - long rant

139 replies

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:07

My SIL is leaving her 8yr ds at her parents for 8 weeks in the summer. My mil isn't able to look after children & my fil has his own activities and work (both are wonderful btw).

We're going for 10 days & will have to look after her ds as well as our 5 kids (one is a baby). The rest of the hols other family will be there for sometime, he'll be on his own with pil for awhile & then at nearly the end of August sil arrives for a week & a bit.

We planned to visit pil when we'd not have to look after other kids (as she's done this before). Sil hasn't spoken to us to ask us if we'd be able to look after her ds or even to acknowledge the efforts we'll make.

I was so looking forward to a troublefree holiday & just hate how she just expects that me & dh will do her job for her. We can't change our plans as it's all booked & also we want our kids to spend time with their grandparents.

OP posts:
jammi · 05/06/2008 10:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clam · 05/06/2008 10:41

Jammi, your experience sounds great and I understand about the family heritage bit. But this scenario is a bit different. The SIL is perfectly entitled to make an arrangement with her parents to mind her child for the summer. However, if that means that in reality the OP is expected, un-asked, to take responsibility for the boy, and it adversely affects her holiday arrangements/finances (car/trips etc..) then it's not so fair. Of course, it'd be nice to include him in trips out etc.., and would seem churlish to leave him out, but there is a real issue with the car and the safety rules around the pool. And if he's not particularly obedient, then it's a problem that needs addressing. SIL probably hasn't thought through the practicalities and knock-on effects, which is why DH (preferably - up to them who's best) to deal with it.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 11:10

thanks for all the replies - hope I've not missed a reply

Wannabe & 9dragons- he doesn't have sn. Pool safety he knows to be careful but at 8yrs he'll jump in with no regard for anything, he wont put sun cream on....The pool is a big one & not fenced but even if it was he'd just open the gate

Laura - we can't ask for sil to pay for any car hire & she's not offered.

SofiaA - not jealous of my sil in a way I feel sad that she off loads her ds at every opportunity sher gets. Sil ds will do as he wants regarding the pool & it is only because dh & I are responsible that we will monitor him - me by the side of a pool with a crawling baby & 2 yr old. My 5 yr, 7 & 10yr old I will trust to play in the houuse
or patio. Or dh instead of relaxing (he often works 12-14 hrs a day) or spending time with his own kids will be by the side of the pool.

2point4 - they will all play together & this is nice - mainly for him as he will only see our kids & my other sil kids during the hols.

Yomell - sil should arrange some activities for him but hasn't. fil would have to take him on the days we weren't there & he has his activities & work. mil isn't able to look after kids - it is a break for my fil that we're there 10 days & other sil is there a similiar time. mil does swim but can't be responsible for anyone in the pool.

jammi - do see your point of view - it's just that I get to do loads of extra work on holiday. sil will be enjoying a full social life without her ds to look after. If mil could look after him then it would be fine but she can't. She can play cards, draw & read with kids but when it comes to responsibility for kids she isn't mentally/physically able. When mil comes to stay with us to give fil a break it is like having another child - if the doorbell goes she lets anyone in, she wonders off. fil will be busy and sil knows this

cheeset - wish we could hire a bigger car but we can't. If we took him to the beach though he'd just go off on his own & we'd be constantly running after him. sil is me me me She never asks me anything about myself - just not interested.

Ineedacleaner - you've explained it better than I did!

love2sleep - she's done this before - wait until she knows we're staying & then left her ds. Even going back early & then returning two weeks later to pick him up (a long story here & this is why we check her hol dates carefully only this time she's outwit us)

clam - spoke to dh today & he said well it's just sil & how she is!!! He should be on the phone sorting this out with her.

OP posts:
cheeset · 05/06/2008 11:20

Make your DH sort this mess out, I would be mad mad mad.

You should be looking forward to your holiday.

Why can't your DH ask his sis to pay the extra for a bigger car? Fear?

I would sort this out as thinking about it is so negative and will build resentment for your SIL. I feel resentment towards her and she's not even related to me

pofaced · 05/06/2008 11:24

I would be outrageously indignant if my brother's wife told me how to behave towards my own parents and my own son!

I wouldn't do what your sil is doing and would be pissed off if I had planned a nice trip to visit family in a warm climate while kids got to know grandparents better but I'm afraid that there's not much you can do about it

And I'd be very wary of mentioning concerns to your pils.... your sil is their daughter so they'll be aware of her failings and not want them pointed out by anyone else, even their son's lovely wife!

I'm afraid sometimes virtue is (not) its own reward... you either include the 8 year old in your plans/ take care of him as it's the best way to have a good stay or you exclude him and resent his presence and have a not-so-good stay... (but you don't need to rent a car big enough to take him...)

Upwind · 05/06/2008 11:30

Could it be that SIL simply allows her DS to be more "free range" at 8 than you would yours? And so does not see her DS as a burden to her parents or to you?

I know when I was 8 my parents never worried about me swimming by myself (in a river!) or wandering off anywhere. They barely knew where I was and in the 1980s that laid back attitude seemed to be the norm.

When you are not there it seems that your nephew will do what he likes and keep his Granny company, I don't think that is necessarily a problem. His care is not your responsibility and you can't expect everyone to have the same standards as yourself.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 11:32

thanks cheeset - we've hired a 7 seater & will need boot space to fit all our things. We do travel light but will be taking a pushchair as dh has back problems if ds 2yrs wants to be carried. sil ds will have to stay behind when we got to the beach in the morning. But sil will be there at the end of august & she could use fil 2 seater jeep to go places but in the past she has just relaxed by the pool & willeven float & read at the sametime whilst her ds gets on things.

OP posts:
Uriel · 05/06/2008 11:37

cupsoftea, what actually happens when sil's ds is only with pil?

Am I the only one who thinks fil should step up and do a bit more with his grandson, given that mil can't?

I agree, btw, that sil shouldn't put anyone in this position.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 11:38

pofaced - quite right - I wouldn't talk to fil or sil about this.

upwind - right as well- - like 'free range'. I do let her get on with it. I suppose it's just that she doesn't call us and say something like - my ds will be staying for 8 weeks. I know you'll be there for 10 days & thank you in advance for looking after my ds. If I was her I'd want to say thanks.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 11:42

uriel - fil & mil are the best pil - they are lovely people. fil looks after mil all the time & he looks to the hols to have a break himself when family comes to stay. Last time we were there he took some days to go out on a boat. He has continued to work past retirement and I think it's unfair of sil to expect him to run after his grandson.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 11:44

when we're not there sil ds will be left to his own devices during the day. fil will have to go out or will need to rest a bit & mil will get up at midday, have brunch & then spend the day in the pool. She can't keep an eye on anyone though.

OP posts:
Uriel · 05/06/2008 11:44

You said in the op that dn is left with pil for a while - just them and dn? Is he safe then?

Uriel · 05/06/2008 11:45

Oops, x-post.

Upwind · 05/06/2008 11:46

To be honest - it seems unkind to exclude your nephew from daytrips. I would contact SIL and explain about the car, asking her to contribute towards a bigger one. It probably has not occured to her that it would be necessary and more expensive to hire a bigger car.

And I would just relax about what he does while at your PILs, explain to your DCs that SIL has different rules to you.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:01

If we got an 8 seater we'd not have the boot space we need - we don't take much but want to travel comfortably. I could put pushchair under kids feet in the back but they'll have their own rucksacks on their laps then. She knows it costs alot for us but hasn't offered anything. The renault trafic van which we did consider wont get round the narrow bend on pil drive - & would block fil from getting out. They live down an unmade track (with streams on the sides of the narrow one carwide road) - ahhhhhh!!!

Just feel so upset that our holiday is being changed by sil & her selfishness. We'll include her ds in everything as one of our own apart from beach trips - I'll do activities, read, wash clothes, check on baths!, check on bedtimes, cook, look out for him, make sure he has fun.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:03

in full rant mode now !!!!!!!!!

OP posts:
Uriel · 05/06/2008 12:07

cupsoftea - I think you're a fabulous aunt to your dn, really looking out for him.

I don't think it's too much to ask for your beach trips to be just your family.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:09

thanks uriel - that makes feel better

OP posts:
DoubleBluff · 05/06/2008 12:12

I htink you need to chill. Seems to me your griping that yr holiday is being spoilt because not everyone else is falling in with you.
They are your sil's parents after all, and they know each other well enough to sort out her and her son.
If she is a single mother maybe her parents feel SHE deserves a break.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:15

dbluff - it's really fil that could do with a break & sil doesn't see this. I do need to chill out on this but need to work through my annoyance with her

OP posts:
DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 12:16

Hang on - she has not asked you to look after her DS, so why would she call you to say thanks?

My DS sometimes goes to stay with my sister and BIL for a few days when I am away for work. Sometimes, BIL's family go there to stay too, and sometimes it has been at the same time. I would never think to ring BIL's brother and say 'thanks, I know you were there too and therefore probably helped with DS', even though I am sure they probably do.

Your PIL have made an arrangement with your SIL to look after her DS. This is not really your business. Because you have chosen to also go at the same time, the children can all play together, and you should be pleased.

I am sure that if you wanted to find a way to include him in everything, you could. If you had 6 children, you wouldn't leave one behind, you would find a way. You are not doing this for a reason, and I think it might be that you are bitter as you think you have been somehow put upon. Maybe, as someone else suggested, there is some slight jealousy? I am sure most people with 5 kids would like a bit of free time for themselves once in a while.

I don't think it is fair to let the little boy suffer because you feel resentment. If you made the effort, you could include him in everything.

Get the bus. Take 2 cars. Hire a bigger car. Get a cab. Walk. Go as separate, smaller groups. You know that if he was your child, you would manage.

Upwind · 05/06/2008 12:16

"I'll do activities, read, wash clothes, check on baths!, check on bedtimes, cook, look out for him, make sure he has fun."

Has anyone asked you to do all that? An 8 year old who swims every day hardly needs his aunt checking on his baths! Why does he need special meals? Surely your PIL do his washing at the same time they do theirs?

moopdaloop · 05/06/2008 12:17

so he's having a holiday while she works. how lovleyl

and you all get to go on holiday to your ILs house and not pay accomodation. how lovely

and you know one extra child when you have 5 makes no difference

think its ok to gripe but unreasonable to be annoyed when you know its not a big deal really

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 12:19

Also, everyone could always do with a break, couldn't they? Its not a contest of who deserves a break more.

PIL have decided to give SIL a break, for whatever reason, she is going away for 8 weeks, not your business.

handlemecarefully · 05/06/2008 12:19

An aside - but what kind of parent fecks off and leaves their child for 6 weeks just for a jolly. Selfish c*

And the imposition put upon other members of the family such as yourself....blimey, speechless!