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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL holiday plans - long rant

139 replies

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:07

My SIL is leaving her 8yr ds at her parents for 8 weeks in the summer. My mil isn't able to look after children & my fil has his own activities and work (both are wonderful btw).

We're going for 10 days & will have to look after her ds as well as our 5 kids (one is a baby). The rest of the hols other family will be there for sometime, he'll be on his own with pil for awhile & then at nearly the end of August sil arrives for a week & a bit.

We planned to visit pil when we'd not have to look after other kids (as she's done this before). Sil hasn't spoken to us to ask us if we'd be able to look after her ds or even to acknowledge the efforts we'll make.

I was so looking forward to a troublefree holiday & just hate how she just expects that me & dh will do her job for her. We can't change our plans as it's all booked & also we want our kids to spend time with their grandparents.

OP posts:
clam · 05/06/2008 13:13

Then the kid needs to follow their house rules re: the pool.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:21

dsmum - sil needs to know that if I or dh can't go down to the pool when her ds is there it's a risk for her ds. pil both sleep late or fil is up & out doing his things. Just want her to star to think about others.

I would rather say to fil - you go & have some fun/ a rest whilst dh & I keep an eye on mil. Just think it's so selfish of sil that she can't see how much her father does for her mum.

OP posts:
DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 13:21

Okay, well first you need to tell your FIL (or better, get DH to) that the child needs suncream on. Its not something to be ignored because its a 'different generation'.

So, he is completely uncared for by PIL? Left to his own devices?
Do they cook for him, do the washing, make sure he is in bed at the right time?

If so, then you don't need to interfere. However, he will probably want to spend as much time as he can with your kids. Is natural.
If not, then I would be very concerned. The boy is only 8. He should not be cooking, or washing or anything like that.

My DS has no brothers and sisters, yet he would look out for smaller children when they are around. He makes sure they are okay. He also knows to take muddy shoes off at the door. If he doesn't, I don't think it is anything to do with being an only child.

(No idea what you mean by burk noises, BTW! Like gagging?)

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:24

If only clam - sil will do nothing, dh will tell sil ds not go by himself but he wont listen.

OP posts:
DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 13:24

So, whats going to happen for the time when he is just with PIL? Noone will watch him at the pool, ever?

That is very concerning.

conniedescending · 05/06/2008 13:24

I have 4 children and I would be really pissed off if any of my family thought they could foist another child onto me because 'another doesn't make a difference'.

If you have lots of children you tend to be organised and the children all have routines and ways of doing things so another child added to the mix can cause havoc. Am really irritated by the attitude that of you have lots of kids you should be able to cope with more. Plenty of posts moaning and complaining about playdates and parties highlites the fact that an extra child is hard work!

So YANBU at all. Nonones asked you to be responsible but from the sounds of it you feel you are obliged to be. In a way its really is your in-laws fault for agreeing if the stay depended on you holidaying there and caring for your nephew. The issue is with them not your sil.

DoubleBluff · 05/06/2008 13:26

Poor you..
a holiday spoilt by an 8 yr old jumping in the pool, and being silly at the table.
Sorry, but you sound realy mean spirited towards your nephew.

Upwind · 05/06/2008 13:29

"Just think it's so selfish of sil that she can't see how much her father does for her mum."

Maybe she is in denial or unaware of how much your MIL needs looking after?

My Dad is showing early signs of alzheimers and my youngest sister refuses to accept that, though it worries the rest of us. People who are not mentally well can often hide that very successfully. On my last visit home my Dad seemed completely normal. So much so that I began to totally doubt the signs we and others had seen in the past. On the last day we spent with him we went to visit my brother and he got angry, insisting my brother has never lived in the house he has lived in for five years. We left feeling very but had that not happened we would have been convinced there was nothing wrong.

MrsTittleMouse · 05/06/2008 13:31

I would be angry at the PIL, to be honest. It isn't right for them to agree to look after an 8 year old boy for 8 weeks if they are incapable. Expecting all their visitors (who haven't been able to express their opinions) to look after him just isn't right.
Why on Earth did they say "yes"?

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:33

When sil ds was 4 she was at pil as well & did almost nothing for her ds. He took his baths by himself - running them & getting in & out!! I was shocked. Or saying to me can her ds would have his bath with my kids.

sil does have a 16yr old but he's staying home with to be with his friends.

pil wont slap sun cream on - they'll be suncream on a table but mil wont think to say anything - & fil wont be around at the moment sil ds should put some on. When we're not there & sil not there he really will be on his own because mil can't watch out for kids

Connie - pil will have just said fine to sil & they would have known they'll have help. But it's not their fault. They are lovely & sil does what she wants. They should say no sometimes.

OP posts:
themoon66 · 05/06/2008 13:39

It may not be that bad. Your nephew will be a whole year older than the last time you had to deal with him around the pool, at the table, etc.

Is the 16 year old home alone for eight weeks?

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 13:40

I don't understand this sentence:

pil wont slap sun cream on - they'll be suncream on a table but mil wont think to say anything - & fil wont be around at the moment sil ds should put some on. When we're not there & sil not there he really will be on his own because mil can't watch out for kids

what do you mean FIL won't be around at the moment DN should put suncream on? Tell him to get it on him, anytime. Anytime.

It sounds like you don't like SIL very much, she sounds like an independent woman, and her DS sounds independent as well. She obviously takes time for herself and I do think, on some level, you resent this. whether it is jealousy, or whether you think this makes her a bad mother.

Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:41

Sorry to hear about your dad Upwind -

My mil has various physical probs which mean she can only walk a short distance slowly and she finds standing & sitting difficult sometimes. She has mental health issues that are helped by medication but she has problems with memory and dealing with everyday life. She & fil are wonderful people and I'm so lucky to have fantastic pil.

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:45

moon - her older one will do his own thing - hanging out with friends, going away for weekends with them.

dsmum - will reflect on this - I know I'm not jealous of her lifestyle as I love doing what I do. She's not someone I'd choose as a friend
Burk noises - you're so lucky not to know these

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:45

again thank you all for your posts xxx

OP posts:
Original poster
cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:48

Will reflect as I trundle my trolley round the supermarket.......

OP posts:
DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 13:48

Well, thank you for being one of the most open minded AIBU posters in the history of MN.

PippiCalzelunghe · 05/06/2008 13:49

cupsoftea I don;t know what others have said but I find selfishness a characteristic of SILs (I'll try to rememebr that when I'll become one)! Mine would do exactly the same. I've just pointed out to her how selfish she can be and she's now got the hump. so i don;t know what's the right answer but I'll mention it. sometime people just do not realise. maybe she's better than mine and apologise and change her attitude.

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 14:02

Pippi - if you have one, then you are one.

Upwind · 05/06/2008 14:06

DSM

PippiCalzelunghe · 05/06/2008 14:06

yes yes you're right... but I meant SIL to my brother's future wives! I'll try not to be horrible to them. do I make some sense?

PippiCalzelunghe · 05/06/2008 14:06
Blush
VinegarTits · 05/06/2008 14:09

Goodness! how do your PIL cope for the rest of the 8 weeks holiday when you are not there

Surely if they could not cope they would not agree to have him stay!

Sounds to me like your playing the martar, and maybe jealous of your SIL having such wonderful supportive parents that will look after their grandson while she has to work during the summer hols.

barnstaple · 05/06/2008 14:12

YAB utterly U. This is what families do. I was often sent to stay with relatives during the holidays - both my parents worked. It was wonderful. Not one aunt or uncle had a problem just squeezing in another one - and that includes the uncle/aunt who had 10 children. How did we fit in the car going to the beach? We squashed up and put things on our laps and had a great time. You are ungenerous. Your dh's family clearly have a more family feel than yours did, but you can learn from this and grow your own wonderful gorgeous generous loving family.

cheeset · 05/06/2008 14:20

Well if the sil's kid/nephew falls in the pool or if they go to the beach and said nephew runs off and gets into trouble whilst in her care, she will be responsible won't she?

If she squeezes nephew into the car without a seatbelf and they have an accident, she will be responsible wont she?

I would find it really hard not to include the my nephew/neice whilst I was there.

I don't think the poster is jealous, if she's wanted to lead an independent life, she wouldn't have had so many dc IYSWIM.

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