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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed at SIL holiday plans - long rant

139 replies

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 00:07

My SIL is leaving her 8yr ds at her parents for 8 weeks in the summer. My mil isn't able to look after children & my fil has his own activities and work (both are wonderful btw).

We're going for 10 days & will have to look after her ds as well as our 5 kids (one is a baby). The rest of the hols other family will be there for sometime, he'll be on his own with pil for awhile & then at nearly the end of August sil arrives for a week & a bit.

We planned to visit pil when we'd not have to look after other kids (as she's done this before). Sil hasn't spoken to us to ask us if we'd be able to look after her ds or even to acknowledge the efforts we'll make.

I was so looking forward to a troublefree holiday & just hate how she just expects that me & dh will do her job for her. We can't change our plans as it's all booked & also we want our kids to spend time with their grandparents.

OP posts:

clam · 05/06/2008 12:19

You've been put in an impossible position, and it sounds like you've thought out every avenue of solutions. Sorry, not much help here. I do think that someone needs to point out to her that there'll be a problem when you go off out and how would she like you to handle it? She is clearly too selfish to have considered it for herself.

Upwind · 05/06/2008 12:22

Clam, how on earth can a small boy staying with his PIL create an impossible situation for his Aunt? Mildly inconvenient, maybe.

Cupsoftea, I do think there is maybe an element of jealousy - everyone could do with a break sometimes, especially if they have five kids! And it sounds like it could never be feasible for you to leave your ds with PIL while you have a break. But that is not your SIL's fault.

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 12:23

handlemecarfeully -

How can you say something like that without knowing any details?

I sometimes go away for a few weeks at a time, for work, and have to leave my DS with my parents. I hope to god noone would see that basics and think I had 'fecked off' and was a 'selfish c*'

Horrible.

handlemecarefully · 05/06/2008 12:27

Oh fgs I am not talking about you. I am talking about this particular woman who is simply dumping her son so that she can have a 'lovely' time. Read what I said, I specifically referred to parents who did this "just for a jolly", not because they had other (more valid) reasons

clam · 05/06/2008 12:32

OK, maybe not impossible, but dificult, nonetheless. It sounds like the OP's already doing/prepared to do a great deal, but I think the SIL is taking the piss, quite frankly. Why should she (OP)pay for a larger car/2 cars to accommodate an extra child who no-one has had the decency to ask if she'd look after? Of course she'd find a way of she had 6 kids of her own, but THEY WOULD BE HER OWN and therefore HER CHOICE, not foisted upon her by someone who's too thoughtless to think about proper arrangements for her child. I'm sure the SIL has good reasons for sending her son away for the summer (her business) but not if it takes advantage of other people's goodwill.

Original poster

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:32

DSmummy I meant that if it was me I'd call up & say thanks to recognise someones efforts. We don't live near sil or pil so don't see each other often. If we had more kids than 5 we'd obviously manage but when I know that sil is having a fine old time it's hard for me. I'm not jealous of her as I wouldn't want to be like her.

upwind - he might not take any baths!! meals will be the same so no extra work apart from coping with his complaining at fruit & veg. I'll do all the washing at pil as we'll take just a few things & everything dries in minutes. I'll be washing everyday so will do everyones at sametime.

moop - it is the only way we can afford a holiday to stay at pil. No way could we pay for accomodation plus travel. We will do shopping when we stay at pil so we are contributing to our stay. sil has so far had a hol on her own this year & will go to a clubmed type place later on in the year.

I do know that we are lucky to be able to stay with pil and also to have a holiday.

OP posts:

Original poster

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:36

It's really good to read all your opinions - hmc well said! It is her business & I'm not jealous of her - I find it thoughtless of her.

OP posts:

Upwind · 05/06/2008 12:38

cupsoftea - I admire the way you have taken such a wide range of opinions on board

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 12:39

Sometimes I leave my DS with parents so I can go away for the week on holiday. 3 times this year, actually, and 4 weekends.

Does that make me a 'selfish c*'?

moopdaloop · 05/06/2008 12:40

it might not be but it sure does sound like jealousy

you are lucky to have 5 children but it is exhausting. she has one so can do more. she hasn't called you and probably should have but she doesn't see any huge difference having one extra kid i'll bet - tbh neither do i particularly if you have an 8 year old too

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 12:40

Agree with upwinds last post.

clam · 05/06/2008 12:45

DSM, no of course it doesn't make you a selfish c** but presumably you have asked your parents if they're willing to have your DS. This SIL may have asked her parents, but in reality, it's other family members who are going to be looking after him, and she hasn't asked them.

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 12:47

Well, the SIL has asked her parents, and they have agreed. Same situation as me.

If my brother and SIL decided to also come and stay with their kids, and then complained that my DS was there and was putting them out, I would consider that unreasonable.

Therefore, I consider the OP unreasonable.

kitsmummy · 05/06/2008 12:51

Cupsoftea, i totally see where you're coming from and i think your SIL sounds like an thoughtless cow.

Original poster

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:51

thanks upwind & dsm - it's the great thing about mumsnet - helping me see a situation from many angles

DSMummy - of couse not. I expect your parents are able to look after your ds & you're not relying on someone else being their to sort everything out - someone you haven't spoken with even just to say - really appreciate.

moop - really, really not jealous of sil!! You're right that one more wont make a difference in the way of meals, washing but in terms of group dynamics it will.

Think I was looking forward to relaxing as best you can with a baby! with dh in the pool with the others.....and then in jumps sil ds big splash, lots of confusion, he's not got sun cream or hat - big battle. Burk noises at each meal - drives me crazy. Treking through dirt, mud (as normal but he does have tendancy to make a huge mess) & me cleaning a path for dd to crawl through.

OP posts:

moopdaloop · 05/06/2008 12:53

ok ok I believe you (have to say I am jealous of her)

Original poster

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:53

agree kitsmum

OP posts:

nametaken · 05/06/2008 12:54

YANBU - I agree your SIL is taking advantage of your good nature somewhat.

I disagree that if you have 5 children that one more makes no difference - of course it does. It's one more child to look after. I've lost count of the times people have tried to get me to have their child just because I've got 3. Eff off I think - If she wants 6 kids she'll have 6 six kids.

On the other hand, they are her parents and if they agreed to do it they agreed to do it.

You do get a free holiday for 7 people in peak holiday time though don't you. That would cost a couple of grand if you were paying. Maybe they think in return for that, you'd be happy to chip in with childcare. Not saying it's right, just that that's what they think.

Here's food for thought - hire a summer au-pair.

clam · 05/06/2008 12:57

But it's not the fact that he's "there" that is putting her out. It's the fact that she feels she should (and wants to, by the sound of it) include him as one of her own (food/laundry/play/trips out)and feels responsible for his safety that is the issue. Most of that is straightforward to handle (as OP said, cooking a meal for 6 is no different from 5, and it's no bother to chuck in some extra washing) but the car-space and pool supervision is different. If she and her DH have house rules and a routine that they follow with their own kids, it's difficult if there's another kid in the mix who disregards those rules (and runs down to the pool when he feels like it, meaning they need to follow, in order to keep him safe). ESPECIALLY if no one's asked her.

Original poster

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 12:57

lol moop - can I change my tune & agree with you!!! - how she gets away with what she does is astonishing & perhaps I just get stuck like a rabbit in headlights at the sheer skill she has of doing her own thing. I wouldn't want to be like her though www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=2724&threadid=524752#10672187

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 12:57

But, you are only going for 10 days. SIL DS is there for 8 weeks.

So really, you are assuming you will be looking after him. Clearly your PIL are able to care for hi for the other 6.5 weeks so you can't possibly think you are needed?

What are Burk noises?

And why does he not have suncream or a hat? Are PIL not doing these things for him the whole summer?

And - I don't mean this to sound nasty - but maybe he is brought up with more freedom and maybe allowed to be a 'boy' a bit more than your children? Being shocked at an 8yo boy jumping into the pool and getting muddy etc is a bit . He is 8, what do you expect?

I get the feeling that you expect a nice, quiet, relaxed time, and you can make sure your own children are quiet and peaceful, but can't with your nephew.

clam · 05/06/2008 13:01

Nametaken. The PILs agreed to do it, yes, but actually, they're not really doing it, are they? For perfectly valid reasons, of course, as MIL is not fully fit and FIL needs a break to do his stuff? So it falls to cupsoftea to do it. Which might be fine, if SIL had acknowledged that and sorted it out in a decent way.

And I don't see what a free holiday has got to do with it.

Original poster

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:03

nametaken - yup we couldn't afford a hol in peak time otherwise & I am grateful that pil invite us to stay. It is their house & I really respect this. Like the idea of a summer childcare but we couldn't afford it & don't need it for ours.

clam - the pool will be the tricky part. I'm going to ask dh to say to sil that we can't accept any responsibility for her ds - we will do everything we can though to be sure he is fine though.

OP posts:

DirtySexyMummy · 05/06/2008 13:10

Seriously - if my brother and SIL come to stay with my parents with their 4 kids in the summer when I am away, and then tell me they will take no responsibility for my DS, I would be livid.

Why would you do that? He is under the care of your FIL for a start, and surely as family you would want to make sure he was okay regardless? I know I watch my nieces and nephews even when their own parents are there, just in case.

Original poster

cupsoftea · 05/06/2008 13:13

dsmummy - he will be left to his own devices when we're not there. My other sil will be there with her two kids for sometime but other than that he'll be looking after himself.

burk noises - not sure how to spell but you know the throwing up type sounds kids make sometimes when a meal is on the table.

pil wont think to put a hat or cream on him. Not their fault as it's a different generation plus mil not able to remember this

Our kids have lots of fun Mine do make mess & they all play alot in the garden at home but the bigger ones think about the smaller ones. If they have muddy feet they take their shoes off rather than track it all over - sil ds wouldn't think to do this (as is usual when he doesn't have younger brother/sisters)

OP posts:

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